Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Tracey Ashley

1 Here's the thing about Tracey Ashley.
She's the only female comic that's black that I know that has done cruise ships, colleges, executive parties, Bar Mitz well, she ain't did no Bar Mitzvahs.
I do the Bar Mitzvahs, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did a Mitzvah.
She has done it all.
If you didn't know Tracey Ashley before, oh, you gonna know her now.
I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing We gonna conquer the world - Hey! - Hey, Tiffany! - It is so good to see you! - Girl, so good! My name's Tracey Ashley and I've been doing stand-up comedy for 20 years.
When I would do the clubs and I would look at the roster of who they had coming, there was maybe one female comedian I would see for the entire year, and definitely not an African-American.
- I wanted to make sure you got ready.
- Cool.
- Today we havin' our spa day.
- Yes.
I used to just put that prayer out.
"God, I need somebody who can say, 'Give her an opportunity.
'" - They all the way ready - I remember my first time ever seeing you.
- I was like, "She is hi-larious!" - Aww! - That means a lot.
- Why don't I know her personally? Well, I told you, I sent you a friend request.
- Yeah, well, you know what? - [laughs.]
What? I did colleges, I did clubs, I did corporates.
I even did weddings.
I've been on college campuses where a bear walked on the campus and I'm like, "There's a bear, y'all.
Y'all realize there's a bear on campus.
" And the students were like, "Yeah, it happens.
" [chuckles.]
I can't thank you enough.
- You don't gotta thank me.
- I gotta kill it.
- That'd be my thank you.
- Okay.
- Destroy the stage.
- All right, cool.
Just drop it, and your nails are looking nice.
Thank you.
Will you accept my friend request? - Okay, I will.
- Okay, thank you.
You keep talking about it.
I'm embarrassed, I tell people we tight.
I'm super tight with my granny.
She ain't on my Facebook page.
She has a Facebook page? - No, she don't, but I'm just saying.
- See? See? - I'm just saying, but we tight.
- Exactly.
I see.
And now, comin' to the stage, the one and only last black unicorn, Tiffany Haddish! [cheering and applause.]
Hello, hello, and welcome to They Ready! [cheering.]
They Ready is a divine, diverse and damn funny series of stand-up comedian specials.
Oh, yeah! And I picked them out myself.
I handpicked [cheering and applause.]
I handpicked some killer comedians.
They gonna kill this stage, you gonna laugh so hard, you gonna pee just a little bit.
Are we ready? [cheering.]
Because they ready! [laughs.]
This comedian I'm bringing to the stage, now, I have been following her career for a long time.
She is one of my personal favorites.
I'm a I'm a fan that just watches from afar.
Please make a whole lot of noise for Tracey Ashley! [cheering.]
- We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world We gonna conquer the world There's no stoppin' me No stoppin' me We gonna do our thing - Gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer Wow! I love it! [cheering.]
Whoo! [cheering and whistling.]
Well, y'all I'm just going to get it off my chest right now, all right? I've been strugglin'.
I went walkin' the other day.
I was enjoyin' my walk, and then I caught my shadow on the side of a building.
[audience laughs.]
And I got a fat-ass shadow.
[audience laughs.]
It will ruin your day when you feelin' good, and you catch your shadow and you notice there is more to you than you thought.
[audience laughs.]
I kept rubbin' myself.
"Is that all me?" "Oh, damn, that is all me right there.
" I hate it, but I've dealt with my weight and my body image my entire adult life.
I've tried everything, always workin' on me.
I took a spin class.
That was a big mistake.
[audience laughs.]
Went to the spin class, I'm on that stationary bike, y'all.
I'm just goin', I'm hangin' with the class.
All of a sudden, the instructor, she stands up and she keeps pedaling.
Everybody else stands up.
They keep pedaling.
I gotta hang in.
I stand up, I keep pedaling.
But then, all of a sudden, I start seein' spots.
[audience laughs.]
I said, "I'm seein' spots.
" She said, "Tracey, cycle through the spots.
They'll go away.
" "Keep cycling, I promise the spots will go away.
" I said, "Yeah, you right, 'cause now I'm seein' dead relatives.
" [audience laughs.]
My grandma over there, goin', "What the hell you doin' on that bike?" I joined Weight Watchers.
I did it 'cause Oprah told me to.
[audience laughs.]
I know y'all saw the same commercial I saw.
I woke up one mornin', Oprah Winfrey was on my screen and she said [mimicking.]
"I love bread.
" [applause.]
"I love bread!" [applause.]
I shot out of my bed, I said, "I love bread too, Oprah.
" [audience laughs.]
"That's why I got a fat-ass shadow.
" My girlfriend told me, she said, "Girl, you need to go to a food addicts' meeting.
" I said, "What?" She said, "You're an emotional eater.
" "You eat when you're happy, you eat when you're sad, you eat when you get good news, you eat when you get bad news.
" I said, "Isn't that what everybody else does?" [audience laughs.]
So I went to this food addicts' meeting, and the nutritionist, she was askin' everybody about their food weaknesses.
And she gets to me.
"Tracey, what's your food weakness?" I said, "Well, I can eat a pint of ice cream like that.
" She grabbed her chest in shock.
"You can eat a whole pint?" And I'm sittin' there thinkin' to myself, "We are at a food addicts' meeting.
" [audience laughs.]
"I am not a pioneer of this shit.
" [audience laughs.]
I mean, she was so shocked, I told her, I said, "Look, if you think rock bottom is eating a pint of ice cream, then y'all are not food addicts.
" [audience laughs.]
"Y'all are just recreational users.
" [audience laughs.]
And she went on to explain, she said, "No, Tracey, on this program, you can eat a half a cup of ice cream.
That's a serving, that's good.
" So I thought that was reasonable to what my brain thinks a half cup of ice cream is.
[audience laughs.]
Then I measured out a half cup of ice cream.
You people ever measured out a half a cup of ice cream? if you wanna get pissed off, go measure out a half a cup of ice cream.
[audience laughs and applauds.]
I went back to that meeting, I told that lady, "You can kiss half my ass.
" [audience laughs.]
I ordered a sheet cake once.
[audience laughs.]
It wasn't even my birthday.
[audience laughs.]
I just wanted a whole cake.
I went to go pick the cake up, y'all, and the cake was blank.
I got paranoid.
I was thinkin' "That looks suspicious.
" [audience laughs.]
So I told the baker, "Put 'Happy Birthday' on that cake.
" She was all happy.
"Who should I put 'Happy Birthday' to?" I said, "To Tracey.
" And she kept askin' questions.
"Who's Tracey?" I said, "Me, bitch.
Will you ring up my sheet cake?" What's with all these questions?" Look, I wasn't gonna eat it all in one sitting.
My fantasy was to eat the cake with my hand.
[audience laughs.]
I mean, we've all been to a party, and you see a cake on the table, there is an impulse in your brain that says, "Put your hand in that cake.
" [audience laughs.]
My husband tells me, he goes, 'Baby, you're beautiful.
" I go, "Really? I'm beautiful? So, if I get bigger, if I get rounder If I get weebly-wobbly roly-poly you still gonna love me?" He said, "Baby, of course I will still love you, but sometimes I will cry.
" [audience laughs.]
He said, "Baby, we're a team.
If you get fat, I'mma get fat.
" See, that's my problem right there.
I married somebody just as lazy as my ass.
We lie around the house like a couple of pandas, just rubbin' our bellies all day.
But I do have a good guy.
My husband is fantastic, y'all.
We are gonna be celebrating ten years of marriage this year.
[cheering and applause.]
Thank you.
I'm in what people call an interracial marriage.
And I say "What people call" 'cause people have to tell us, like we don't know.
My husband is white, and I have to tell you, everywhere we go, people stare at us.
They stare at us real hard.
Not when we come here, though.
We flew to, uh into LAX.
Walkin' around LA and my husband goes, "Babe, did you notice somethin'?" I said, "What?" He said, "No one is staring at us here.
" I said, "Baby, we're in Hollywood.
Nobody gives a shit about us here.
" [audience laughs.]
I said, "You see that girl over there?" He said, "Yeah.
" I said, "That's a guy.
" [audience laughs.]
Nobody cares about an interracial couple here, but we live back in the Midwest, in Indiana [scattered cheers.]
And people stare so hard at us.
I used to think they were staring because of the race thing.
But then it hit me.
"Maybe they're staring, Tracey, also because of how different you two look together.
" You know, we'll be walkin' around, I'll have braids in my hair, you know, 'cause I'm a sister's sister, right, you know? And my husband, he's [whispers.]
[audience laughs.]
He's socks-and-sandals white.
Whoa! So we'll be walkin' around Gary, Indiana, holdin' hands.
Predominantly black city, everybody just double-takin', pointin' at us.
I asked him, "Baby, what do you think these people are thinkin' when they stare at us so hard?" My husband is so funny.
He says, "I don't care what they're thinkin', as long as they're thinkin', "He must have a big dick.
'" [cheering and applause.]
He said, "That's all that matters.
" But whenever we walk out that door, we always have to put on that emotional armor, just to be prepared for what may come our way.
Usually, it's funny, though.
I'll never forget my husband.
I was at his football game.
He's a high school history teacher.
He also coaches football.
I went to the game, the game was over.
I'm standin' on the side, waitin' for him.
My husband was talkin' to a student, and there were four white coaches standin' not too far from me, and they were all starin' at me, and I was starin' at them.
Finally, I heard one of them say, "I think that's one of the players' moms.
" They start to walk over to introduce themselves.
My husband runs over at the same time.
"Hey, guys! That's my wife, Tracey.
" All four coaches at the same time.
"Oh!" Like a racial siren went of, or some shit.
[cheering and applause.]
I thought the Purge was about to begin, I didn't know what the hell.
[audience laughs.]
But my people are guilty too, though, right? I took him down to Opa-locka, Florida where I grew up to meet some of my friends.
They're all black, they hadn't met my husband.
I said, "This is my husband.
" All of them, "Oh! Y'all together.
Ain't nothin' wrong with that.
" [audience laughs and applauds.]
I'm like, "Why are you yelling? We're standin' right here.
" People always have an opinion! I'm in Columbus, Ohio, I'm doin' a show at a comedy club, I talk about my marriage.
I'm walkin' out to my car after the show, a black woman chases me to my car, scares the crap out of me, y'all.
She goes, "Hey! You go ahead on with your white man.
[audience laughs and cheers.]
'Cause I'm thinkin' about goin' to the other side myself.
" I said, "Other side? I'm still black.
What the hell you talkin' about?" [audience laughs.]
I didn't go to another dimension.
[audience laughs.]
Even at our wedding, I'll never forget, my cousin sat us down, he and his wife, they wanted to give us this very important marital advice.
They've been married 20 years.
So they sat us down, they said, "Now, look.
Y'all are in a interracial marriage.
Things are different for y'all.
So remember, when you argue, never make it about race.
" And that made me laugh.
I kept thinkin', what are we gonna have, some big blowout racial argument? I leave the house, come back, there's a sign on the bathroom that says "Whites only" or some shit like that? [inaudible.]
Really? You did this shit? [audience laughs and cheers.]
I'mma burn this house down.
[audience laughs.]
I do not know what people think goes on in an interracial marriage! We argue like any other couple argues.
The only thing I've learned is what we've learned in how to argue as a couple.
What we learned growin' up with our families.
In my family, if we have a problem with you, we gonna let you know.
It might get ugly.
We might yell and scream, but we'll make up eventually.
In his family, if they have a problem with you you may never know.
[audience laughs.]
You might read a vague Facebook post or some shit like that.
[audience laughs.]
"Is this shit about me?" So we had our first big blowout argument, right? And I couldn't help it, I was angry, it came out before I could stop myself, and I called my husband a motherfucker.
And it came out like I really meant it.
He stopped me, he said, "Uh-uh.
We're not gonna argue like that.
" He said, "Babe, you can yell, you can scream, but we're not gonna call each other names like that.
" I said, "Come on, babe.
You mean to tell me that your parents didn't have big arguments, and they said things in the heat of the moment that they didn't mean because they were just that angry?" He said, "No! The worst thing I ever heard my parents say to each other is one time, my mom called my dad "ridiculous.
" [audience laughs.]
I said, "Y'all some ridiculous motherfuckers, 'cause I ain't never heard no shit like that in my life!" [cheering and applause.]
I can tell you that we've come a long way as a family.
My in-laws were interesting in the beginning.
My mother-in-law, she used to fidget around me all the time, right? Get real nervous.
Then I started fidgeting around her.
Took her out for lunch 'cause I wanted to have a talk.
I said, "Come on, admit it, you're havin' a problem.
Your son married a black woman.
You didn't want that to happen.
" She said, "No, Tracey, I wouldn't care if my son were gay!" Uh-huh.
Because, to her, they are both the same thing.
[audience laughs.]
Well, bad news is just bad news, y'all.
Same woman bought me a blouse for Christmas from a restaurant called Cracker Barrel.
Whoa! Now, I have eaten at the Cracker Barrel.
They have fantastic grits and eggs at the Cracker Barrel.
But I did not know they have fashion at the Cracker Barrel.
So I asked her if she was joking with this blouse, and that hurt her feelings.
Yeah, so now, I'm the asshole in the family.
But after the holidays, how about she came over and she felt bad about that blouse.
She said, "Tracey, I am so sorry about that blouse I bought you from Cracker Barrel.
" I said, "Why?" She said, "I did not know Cracker Barrel did not serve black people back in the '60s.
" Y'all, I leaned back, I said, "Well, damn, I didn't know Cracker Barrel didn't serve black people back in the '60s! You mean to tell me your gift was racist and tacky?" [audience laughs.]
My father-in-law, he tries to connect with me by bein' funny.
Well, he thinks he's funny, right? We all have that relative that thinks they're so funny in the family, but they're just inappropriate.
We go to get ready to go out for dinner, and I go to sit in the back of the family van.
Oh! Uh-huh.
I'm gonna say that again.
I go to sit in the back of the family van.
My father-in-law says, "Tracey, you don't have to sit in the back of the van.
Civil rights made it so you can sit up front!" And he is dyin' laughin', y'all! He's slappin' his legs, he's reelin' back, he's killin' himself! [audience laughs.]
And I'm thinkin' to myself, "My father-in-law is tryin' to connect with me by makin' racist-ass jokes.
" And he has a million of these bits.
I feel like he's been sitting' on these bits for years, and he asked his son, "When you gonna bring home a black girl? 'Cause I got some jokes.
" [audience laughs.]
I used to think they had a problem with me, but I realized they do love me, because they wanted us to have kids.
Right? And we tried, y'all, but my husband and I, we met much later in life.
And by the time we decided to look into having kids, I went to the doctor and he was very honest and very clinical.
He said "Tracey, you old.
[audience laughs.]
Past 35, we consider it to be [deeply.]
a mature pregnancy.
" That's how I heard it, like it echoed.
"A mature pregnancy.
" I kept thinkin', "Im'ma have a old baby.
'" [audience laughs.]
So, we finally decided we're just gonna adopt.
That's somethin' I've always wanted to do.
But again, we waited on that, right? We kept saying, "We're gonna adopt when the time is right.
" But every year, every year just kept goin', and I kept travelin' and my career was doin' different things.
So now, we both have gotten even older.
And I was talkin' to my girlfriend, I said, "Girl, we can't adopt a baby! By the time my child grows up to go to high school, prom, graduation, college, job, marriage, I'm gonna be so old!" And she said, "Girl, don't worry about that.
You won't be here.
" [audience laughs.]
She said, "You're worrying about shit you ain't gotta worry about, like global warming and social security.
Don't worry about that shit!" She said, "Worry about the things you gotta focus on right now.
" I said, "Like what?" She said, "Well you travel a lot.
You're always doing your comedy.
You're gonna need a nanny.
" I said, "That's a good idea.
But I'm gonna get a ugly nanny.
I keep readin' all these stories about the daddies and the nannies.
That shit ain't happenin' in my house.
" Do you know there's a whole section of porn all about nannies and the daddies? Look at the guys not sayin' one damn thing.
[audience laughs.]
People say, "Well, Tracey, don't you trust your husband?" Yes, I trust my husband.
I don't trust the situation.
We first got married, I would go on the road and I would come home, and sometimes, my husband would have the house clean, the laundry done, the dishes done.
He might even have flowers waiting for me.
And instead of me thinking what a great thing my husband did for me, my crazy brain is thinkin', "What the hell just went on while I was out of town? Why is everything so sparkly up in here?" I started an investigation.
I'm in a hazmat suit.
"Whose blonde hair is this?" My husband's like, "It's mine.
" 'Cause he's blonde.
But I'm crazy.
"Oh, you slick.
[audience laughs.]
I'm goin to the lab.
" [audience laughs.]
I feel so bad, I put him through it in the beginning, y'all.
I have trust issues and imagination.
That's a bad combination.
I'll never forget, I was losing my mind.
I came home from touring and I noticed in the kitchen, some plates were missin'.
Yeah, 'cause I know how many plates we got in the house.
We got four dinner plates, four dessert plates, and four bowls.
And three of the bowls are chipped on the side, 'cause I did that shit.
[audience laughs.]
I said, "Baby, what happened to the plates?" He said, "Baby, I dropped a couple.
" "You dropped a couple?" "Yeah, they broke, I threw them in the trash.
You all right?" "I'm fine.
I guess that shit could really happen.
" [audience laughs.]
I go on the road, I come home, I notice some forks are missing.
Uh-huh, 'cause I know the flatware situation in the house.
"Baby, what happened to the forks?" "Baby, I ran them through the dishwasher.
Some of 'em had food stuck on 'em, a couple were bent, so I just threw 'em in the trash.
" "Oh, they were bent, you just threw 'em in the trash?" "Yes.
Are you all right?" "I'm fine.
I believe that shit could really happen.
" So I was losin' my mind.
I'm talkin' to my girlfriend, and she's laughin'.
She said, "Girl, your husband is not cheating on you.
He's a good guy.
And think about it, Tracey.
Who is this woman he is cheatin' on you with? This bitch don't have no plates, [audience laughs.]
she don't have any forks.
Who is this bitch and what is she after? A table setting? What is goin' on?" [audience laughs.]
I don't care what anybody says, our nanny is going to be half human and half gargoyle.
She gonna come slithering in there.
I hear there's a baby up in here.
[audience laughs.]
Where that baby at?" [audience laughs.]
And the great thing about her is we won't even have to drive her home at night, 'cause she just gonna fly and sit her ass on the roof.
[audience laughs and applauds.]
[deep voice.]
"I'm the nanny.
" So we're gonna adopt an older kid.
Right? 'Cause the older kids don't get adopted.
So one night, my husband and I were sitting at the computer, we're doing our research about adoption.
Blew my mind, y'all.
Did you know that kids come in different prices? Did you know how expensive adoption can be, based upon the kid's race, age and gender? I could not believe that.
I mean, white babies are more expensive than black babies.
That blew my mind.
Asian babies are expensive, Russian babies.
Do you know, biracial babies, in some states, they'll give you a discount for a biracial baby.
Yes, y'all.
It goes white babies, Asian babies, Russian babies, pit bulls, werewolves, Latin babies, miscellaneous, biracial babies, black babies.
But how about I found out that, if you adopt a kid and that kid grows up to go to that state college, the state will pay for their education.
- Yes.
I couldn't believe it.
- [applause.]
So, on one end, I'm offended by the price of all these kids.
But on the other hand, I'm like, "I'll take that damn college discount!" I just hope my kid doesn't ask me, "Mommy, was I expensive?" "No, baby, you was a Groupon.
" [audience laughs.]
You can't beat a deal, y'all.
You can't beat a deal.
But I have to tell you, as much as I've spent my lifetime worrying about my body image, worrying about how the world sees me and my husband, worrying about when I'mma become a parent, the one thing I still have is hope for our world.
I'm still optimistic, right? [applause.]
And people give me that optimism.
I'll never forget, we were in Indiana and we were at the grocery store.
People surprise me, sometimes.
Older black man came over to me and he grabbed my hand, and he put a blue card in my hand, and then he closed it.
And he said, "This card is for you and him.
" And I just knew it said somethin' fucked up.
[audience laughs.]
I said, "Baby, let's go read this outside.
" We go outside and I open my hand, and, to my surprise, the card read, "Always remember, it takes both the black and white keys to play The Star-Spangled Banner on the piano.
" - [man.]
Yeah! - [audience.]
Aww! [cheering and applause.]
It really touched me.
But why did my intellectual, white teacher husband have to say, "You know, I think you can play it with just the white keys"? [audience laughs.]
I said, "Yeah, but the black keys give it rhythm, motherfucker.
" I'm Tracey Ashley! Thank you so much! I love you guys! - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world We gonna conquer the world [cheering and applause continue.]
There's no stoppin' me - No stoppin' me - We gonna do our thing We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing There's no stoppin' me - No stoppin' me - They ready, they ready I think they, I think they ready They ready I'm so proud of you! - Girl, you rocked it! - Girl! - I think they ready - Do our I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - Yeah, yeah, yeah - There's no stoppin' me No stoppin' me - They ready, they ready - We gonna do our thing I think they ready