Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Flame Monroe

1 Flame Monroe.
Flame is one of my favorite comedians.
I think that Flame is brave, funny, fiery, inspiring, joyous.
We gonna do our thing I love me some Flame Monroe and I know you do, too.
They ready, I think they ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - So good to see you.
- I wanted to show you how strong I am.
I know you're strong, baby.
My name is Flame Monroe and I've been doin' stand-up comedy for about 20 years.
- Would you like some champagne? - I would.
- Success! - Success! I met Tiffany at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood, and she was like, "You a drag queen, right?" I was like, "I am.
" She said, "I just had to make sure, so I had to ask.
" And she just always made me feel like I belonged.
What are some of the challenges you've experienced in your career? Comedians I worked with, major names, A-listers back in the late '90s, wouldn't speak to me in the green room.
I was invisible to them.
I felt ostracized and unwelcome, and Ten years in, tran is just commonplace now.
Everybody fist-bumps, "what's up, Flame?" And I welcome that with open arms, because that's what I wanted in '97.
Tiffany didn't see my tits, or my ass, or my smile.
Tiffany saw me.
She heard through my stories and through my jokes on stage, she knew that there was somebody up under all of that.
Tiffany told me, "I'm gonna make it and I'm gonna come back and get you.
" I've heard that from so many other people.
Guess what Tiffany did? Tiffany came back and got a bitch, so I My hat's off.
My wig is off.
My stocking cap, all that.
This life chose me and I'm livin' it.
I like all this chocolate skin.
I like that I got titties and a penis.
I like the silicone.
I like everything about my fat ass.
I feel like the world deserves to get to see y'all shine, and so, it's time to shine.
Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah We didn't have enough money to hire an announcer, so I'm announcin' myself.
That's right, you know the voice.
It's Tiffany Haddish! Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - Yeah! Hello, hello, and welcome to They Ready! Ladies and gentlemen, this comic that I'm bringin' to the stage is fierce, fabulous, and funny.
And also, has always inspired me to be a better woman.
Please make a whole lot of noise for Flame Monroe! - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing There's no stoppin' me, no stoppin' me We gonna do our thing We gonna do our thing Whoo! You better work! I'm just gonna stand here for a couple of minutes, and let y'all figure it out, because somebody don't know and they whuppin' fags in Chicago.
And I'm telling you, I only know I think I'm going to somewhere to whup my ass, goddamn it.
Jessie Smollett did fucked that up for everybody.
So long as y'all know.
Look at some of the brothers looking.
Scratching your head? I'm scratchin' mine, too, nigga.
Uh Aaaaah! It's like that! It's like that! Shit! Plus, I'm not even a novelty anymore.
Shit, we all over TV! Caitlyn Jenner.
And the biggest drag queen of all Wendy Williams.
'Cause that nigga bigger than me! Let me tell y'all something, y'all ain't mad.
There's two camera guys in the back, been buyin' me drinks since I got here, thinkin' they was gonna get some pussy.
They mad.
Them white boys don't know, they can buy me drinks 'til Jesus come back, ain't no pussy here.
They've been slappin' each other, givin' each other high-fives, "We gonna run a train on this bitch.
" Fellas! I'm still with that train if y'all with it.
Just know, nigga, this is an equal opportunity.
If you hit me, then I hit you back, goddamn it.
Whoo! It's that kind of party, goddamn it.
Look! So let me explain who I am, let me start all over.
My name is Flame Monroe.
I am a comedian that happens to be transgender.
Because, if I wasn't if I wasn't transgender, the bitch would still be a comedian, she just wouldn't look like this.
I'd look like Rollo from Sanford and Son or some shit.
This ain't the look.
We got any Republicans in the house? Don't be scared.
Don't be scared, nigga, you voted for that nigga.
I didn't vote for that nigga.
I voted for the other white man.
Hillary! 'Cause Hillary didn't show no titties, if Hillary would've shown some titties, she would've destroyed Donald Trump, he don't know how to control himself around women.
We would've won, and I'm mad at that bitch for wearing them ugly-ass jackets and that short-ass weave.
I voted for that bitch two times, once in my man name and once in my woman name, and she still lost! Shit.
But let me tell y'all about the Trump.
Let me tell y'all about the Trump.
The Trump might not be smart, but that nigga gangsta.
Let me tell you how gangsta Donald Trump is.
Donald Trump will pay to have sex with beautiful women, but he hired three of the ugliest bitches in captivity to be on his team to work in the White House.
He said, "I ain't gonna fuck none of you bitches at work.
" Ugly woman number one, Kellyanne Conway.
She look like a hag.
Or my white-people word, she looks tattered.
Ugly woman number two, Ann Coulter.
Ann Coulter look like a beautiful horse.
You just wanna get some oats and just ride that bitch.
Just ride.
Just ride that bitch.
But the Holy Grail of ugly, the ugliest bitch on the planet that work with him, and we see her almost every day, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Oh, that ho ugly! And can lie I wanna say she can lie with a straight face, but the bitch can't straighten up her face.
But the older I get, I swear, the older I get, I really confirm it's really affirmed that the richer and more powerful white people get, the more black and gangsta they act, I swear to God.
The richer a white person get with some power, they just turn into a straight gangsta.
Old vice lord from Chicago.
e Speaker of the House.
Four feet nine.
Nancy Pelosi.
Nancy Pelosi gangsta.
Nancy Pelosi say, "Look here, Orange Crush.
Lookie here, homie.
Ain't no money for no wall, nigga.
Fuck you and your mail-order bride wife.
" But the biggest gangsta of all, ladies and gentlemen, the owner of Amazon, Jeff Bezos.
He pulled a nigga move if I ever saw one in my life, goddamn it! They said, "We got some dick pics of you.
We gonna show 'em if you don't give us a billion dollars.
" Jeff Bezos stood back folds his arms like a nigga in jail looked at you with that one good eye and that other eye that closed really, really slowly, like one of them '70s baby dolls, and said, "Show dat, motherfucker.
" I said, "Ooh, that was a black man move!" Jeff Bezos say, "I got a dick like Subway.
It start off as a six-inch, but dependin' on what sides you add, it turn into a foot-long right there.
" Now y'all know why they call it Amazon Prime.
But let me tell you, when the government shut down, it was great for me, 'cause, here it is Here it is.
I can fool some people sometimes.
White men? Pfft.
Every day.
White women just think that I'm Becky with the good hair.
The brothers, the black men "Damn, I didn't even know.
But ain't nobody looking.
Come on, come on, come on!" But you loud-ass, ignorant-ass Michelle Obama-smart black bitches always fuckin' know.
And you're loud and rude! I'm in the bathroom changin' tonight two sisters in the bathroom "Girl, did you see the man in the blue dress?" I say I say, "Yeah, bitch.
I'm in here.
" Them hoes ran out the bathroom, y'all! I didn't see their face, but I saw the bitches' shoes.
I saw their shoes.
I'm checkin' shoes.
I'm checkin' shoes.
So, with the government shutdown, it was so messed up for so many people, 'cause I cannot fool black women, I fucking can't fool little kids.
Oooooooh! Ooh, little kids is rude and ignorant and they just lie.
I'm walkin' through Ralphs, walkin' through Walmart.
They walkin' with they mama, they just stop and look at a bitch.
Like I'm a circus freak or a Tussaud show attraction.
Piss all down their leg and shit.
That's number two, but the worst thing I can't fool, ladies and gentlemen which worked for me with the shutdown, is the fuckin' full body scannin' machine at the airport.
Oooh! I call that machine "Taraji Henson," 'cause it finds my hidden figure every time.
And the machine got a life of its own.
I could be eight or nine in line waitin' to go through, and it's like the machine look around and be like, "Oh, yeah, bitch, I see you.
I'mma get your ass.
" They say, "Come on through, ma'am.
You have to come through.
" And you have to put your arms up and open your legs.
This is my version of opening my legs.
They say, "You have to open your legs, ma'am.
" I say, "Mm! Mm-mm.
" But it's always some sister.
Some black bitch.
Lookin' at the screen, tellin' everybody, "Come here, look, look, look, look! That's a man!" But the coward bitch always send a little Asian bitch running over there.
"Oh, excuse me, ma'am sir, sir ma'am, ma'am sir, sir ma'am.
" I'm like, "Little bitch, get your pronouns together, I'll slap the shit " She says, "You have to get pat down.
Do you prefer a male or a female pat down?" So I always scan the room to see who lookin'.
It's always some fine brother up in the cut.
Lookin' at a bitch, laughin' and shit.
I say, "Excuse me, ma'am.
Technically, I'm still a male.
It's illegal for you to pat me down.
Get that nigga.
" She go and tell him, y'all.
You can see him stompin' and shit, and like, "Hell, no!" He come over to me, I'm standin' there, he say, "Man, this some bullshit.
" I say, "Do your job, playa.
" He say, "I have to ask you a couple of questions.
Do you have any sharp objects or weapons that could cause me bodily harm?" I'm thinkin' to myself, "Only if you touch me right here.
" He start pattin' at the top.
He's like, "Damn.
" I was like, "Mm-hm.
Hit that top, playa.
I'mma turn you on.
Touch that bottom, I'mma turn your ass out.
" He quit his job, y'all.
He at my house watchin' my kids right now.
We go together! And yes, before you get before you ask, I do have three kids.
I'm a single father of three, that's real shit.
Some days, 'cause I'm just like any other parent, some days, I wake up and say, "Fuck them kids.
" 'Cause they works my goddamn nerves.
So what you gotta know is being a dad to kids and being transgender is real different from what y'all see.
'Cause I got a 12-year-old daughter, she the meanest bitch on the planet.
I say that with love, I would never say it to her face, but she ain't here, fuck her.
So she hasn't started developin' her breasts yet, so she's been havin' bullyin' issues at school.
So she came home and told me what happened.
I was like, "Hold on," 'cause the dad in me didn't know what to do.
But the fag in me was like, "Lemme tell you what to tell them heifers.
You go back to school and let them know that no, you do not have any breasts right now, but when you do get some breasts, not only did your mama have a fantastic B cup, but your daddy rockin' a double D, so tell them bitches, when you get some titties, they in trouble.
" Got milk? My 16-year-old daughter is havin' bullyin' issues at school from some little boy likin' her or somethin' so he's been terrorizin' my daughter.
So I went to the school, I followed protocol.
That didn't work.
I say "I'm gonna meet this fool on the playground.
" I got up one mornin' Now, what you got to understand about my mornings is I didn't wake up like this.
I went up there one mornin' with a beard, the titties pushed, bad breath and everything.
Hair, stubble and I say, "Im gonna" I see him on the playground, I say, "Lookie here, little homie.
You gonna leave Izzy alone or I'mma fuck you up.
" When I tell y'all, he was so confused, he didn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass.
I'm sure he went home and told his mom and dad that he was attacked by her mom and dad.
But that ain't even the kicker, 'cause I have a son.
Twisted Sister right here.
And I found out on purpose through by accident that he has Yeah.
That he has discovered the joys of manhood, fellas.
Ladies, I ain't talking to y'all right now.
I'm talkin' to the fellas.
So I go in his room to change his linen, I pull the blanket back, when I tell you, it's all kind of DNA just runnin' across the sheets, just twins and triplets and shit.
I'm like, "What the hell?" I step off the bed and step on the carpet, it's just crunchy.
I'm like, "Oh, hell, no!" Then I go in I go in the closet to get his gym clothes.
The The sweat socks? Stiff as ironin' boards, y'all.
They smokin' cigarettes and shit, givin' each other a high-five.
I'm like, "Oh, playa, I gotta talk to you.
" So, when he came home from school, I said, "Let me talk to you, playa.
" "It's a natural thing, all men do it, gay, black, straight, white, Mexican, all men do it.
Married, whatever.
Men just do it.
" So I'm leavin' the room.
He's like, "Okay, cool.
" He said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?" I said, "What's up, little playa?" He said, "Do you do it?" I say, "No, dude, I got somebody to handle that for me.
I'm cool.
" 'Cause I'm tellin' you, it had got serious in my house.
He kept comin' to the dinner table with his hands lookin' like Rihanna, shinin' bright like a diamond.
Ooh, shit! I'm like, "Boo, do wash your hands.
Use the dollar store soap twice.
Shit!" So, fellas.
Hold on, ladies.
Hold on.
- Fellas! I'm sorry.
- Fellas.
What's up? Y'all ain't talkin' back to a bitch? What's up, fellas? Fellas, take your sons fishin'.
Look at them, "What is this crazy drag queen bitch talkin' about?" Fellas, take your sons fishin'.
At the age of six, I asked my daddy to take me fishin' for a whole year.
He never did.
He got a lot of regrets.
Look, somebody got their cellphone.
"Let me text my baby mama.
" Gonna be a lot of people at the Walmart tonight! Whoo! And since we brought up baby mamas Ooh! Y'all don't even understand.
Y'all baby mama issues ain't got shit on mine.
Y'all fighting over child support, daycare and shit.
I'm fightin' with this bitch over my wigs and my shoes.
Yeah, but but let me tell you about my baby mama, 'cause you know I got three kids.
One 12-year-old, two 16-year-olds.
They not twins.
Seven months apart, two different baby mamas, both named Tasha.
It's a fetish.
I couldn't have picked blind, crippled or crazy if God would have put me in the worst woman patch.
Both of them hoes drive me nuts.
But my baby mama number two I can't even really give it to y'all with this wig and shit on, The playa in me wanna say, "That bitch pussy was so motherfuckin' good.
" Her pussy was like the Della Reese line.
If you throw it up in the air It'll turn into sunshine, goddamn it! She had me so bitched, y'all, I was about to grow a full beard, cut my titties off get a job workin' construction, holdin' a "Slow" sign on the road.
It had me goin', y'all.
Now that we got past all the family shit, let me talk to my other family, 'cause I know y'all in the room.
The LG BT ABCDEFG PTSD community.
All these motherfuckin' alphabets is blowing me out.
I'm old school.
You either like penis or vagina or both.
Yeah! Penis or vagina, or both.
I can't keep up with all this terminology.
Asexual, B-sexual, pansexual, skillet-sexual, Crock-Pot-sexual, I don't fuckin' know! I don't know! Don't ask me! I love my community, but we trippin' over the wrong shit.
Meanwhile Ed Buck is still in West Hollywood, killin' black boys.
Y'all President Donald Trump is tryin' to completely erase the transgender community, and I know y'all see my big ass.
Let me hide.
Can y'all see me? Let me turn to the side.
Can y'all see me? 'Cause Donald Trump wants to do away with us, and we're not fighting over that.
So I love my community, but y'all be trippin'.
And in this country, I'm telling you, livin' as a trans woman, it is safer for me to tell the police if I get pulled over that I'm a trans, - than it is for me to say I'm a black man.
- Yeah.
That's real shit.
'Cause I'mma tell you, I was stopped on the road a couple of weeks ago.
I ain't tellin' this This wasn't that kind of story.
I was pulled over by motorcycle police.
He got behind me, but he was a white boy.
I say, "I got this, nigga.
" He got off the motorcycle, comin' to the car.
I was already dressed up.
Titties were sittin' way up high.
They weren't down here, they was way up high.
He say, "Excuse me.
" I say, "I'm sorry, officer, is there a problem?" He say, "Yes ma'am.
You were speedin'.
" I said, "I'm sorry, officer.
I'm running late for work, I promise to slow down.
" He said, "Hold on, pretty gal.
Hold on.
" I said, "Ooooh!" So he lookin' at me, but his eyes so focused on the titties, he ain't looked at me up close, 'cause I cut the shit out of my face on the left side on my way to work.
I was shaving.
So he lookin' at the titties, he say, "Well hold on, pretty gal.
You sure is a lovely gal.
" I'm thinkin' to myself, "He really don't know.
" So he lookin' at me, he say, "I need your license and registration.
" And here's where it got tricky, 'cause "Flame Monroe" ain't on shit.
Marcus Parker is on everything.
I say, "Well, officer, hold on.
I promise I'm going to slow down.
I'm going to be good.
" He says, "Let me talk to you," he says "Is it true what they say about you black gals?" I'm thinking to myself, "And what is that, officer?" He say, "That you black gals got a fat monkey.
" I thought to myself, "Playa, I don't know how fat the monkey is, but the giraffe is a motherfucker.
" He say He say, "You know, I never had sex with a black gal before.
" I'm thinkin', "Nigga, that same statement gonna be true tomorrow if y'all fucking with me.
" Before I go, ladies and gentlemen, you all have been so great.
Tiffany is just Tiffany reached in the bottom of the barrel to find me.
I had really, like, just said, "Fuck comedy.
" I was done.
I took the towel I took the towel and threw the towel in.
God threw the towel back in my face.
And when I opened it up, it had "Tiffany Haddish" on it.
I swear to God.
As I travel a lot and I meet a lot of people, And I'm always very upfront about who I am.
'Cause I live my life, this is me.
If you don't like it, mother had you, mother love you, motherfuck you, that's it.
That's it.
So I'm in Vegas a couple of years ago.
I did a comedy show on the weekend.
It was about six years ago.
Met a football player.
Six-four, ladies.
Two forty-eight.
All that.
So he saw me walkin'.
He say, "What's up, boss lady?" I say, "Hey, playa, how you doin'?" I'm tryin' to get away.
I didn't know if he knew.
I just didn't want that big nigga to hit me.
I'm walkin' away.
He said, "Let me talk to you, baby.
Damn, you tall, you fine, you my fantasy, you my fairy tale.
" I say, "Be careful what you wish for, playa.
" Because Cinderella and Dracula ain't got shit on a bitch like me.
At the stroke of midnight, Cinderella turn into a broke-ass white bitch.
At the crack of dawn, Dracula turn into some dust.
Playa, you gon' go to bed with Halle Berry, but you gon' wake up with Chuck Berry in the morning.
" So I'm walkin' away, he still tryin' to holla at me.
"Let me talk to you.
" I say, "What you got for me, playa?" He say, "I'll give you $5,000 for some pussy.
" I immediately stopped.
I said, "What you say?" "I'll give you $5,000 for some pussy.
" I ran back, "Okay!" Now, the funny part was, all I could think about was "Bitch, where in the hell are you gonna get a pussy in the next two minutes? You want to get this money, but you ain't look or feel like a pussy.
" He say, "Come on up to my hotel room.
" He was on the 66th floor of this hotel.
We get on the elevator, he's just grabbin' and touchin'.
I say, "Hold on, playa, slow down.
" I'm scared he'll go below the belt and fuck the whole deal up.
I say, "They got cameras on the elevator, stop, your wife gonna see.
" He stopped.
We get to the room.
We open the door.
As soon as we get in the door, he jumped butt-hole naked, y'all.
He was fired up and ready.
He's like, "Come on.
" He grabbed me.
I was like, "No, playa, hold on.
This a business transaction.
Run a bitch her change.
" He reached in the nightstand, gave me $5,000 cash in my hand.
Ladies and gentlemen, this was where the rules of the game had changed, goddamn it.
'Cause I would've boxed that fool all night to hold onto the money.
We already in Vegas, let's do it.
He say I say "Okay," I take the money, I put it in my bag, and all I could think about was, "Bitch, get your bag and get out.
" The only thing I could see on the news the next day was, "Drag queen flies out of 66th floor window.
" He say, "Come on, get naked.
" I say, "Hold on, playa.
" So he get back in the bed, lay down naked, he lay stretched out like Jesus on the cross.
I say, "Put the lights down low.
Set the mood.
" I'm tryin' to get my way up outta here, tryin' to find an escape route.
He lay back on the bed, He say, "Alexa, put the lights down low.
Alexa, put the radio on.
" I'm thinking, "Alexa, bitch, while you at it, find a girl a pussy.
" Baby, Alexa put the lights down low, put the radio on.
As he was about to pull the panties down, Beyonce came on the radio.
Uh-oh, uh-oh I say, "This bitch right here.
" It fell out, y'all.
He screamed! "Aaaah!" I grabbed my bag.
"Aaaaaaah!" I'm runnin' down the hallway, I get to the elevator, the elevator door close, he comin' down the hallway like the Hulk.
Whomp, whomp I say, if he hit me, he gon' kill a bitch.
I made it, I got away with it.
But he must have caught an express elevator to the first floor, ladies and gentlemen.
'Cause, when I got there, he was waitin' for a bitch.
But what he did not know was the professional West Side from Chicago ho he was fuckin' with.
'Cause between floor 66 and floor two, I did a metamorphosis change on that ass.
Y'all know I got a bald fade up under this wig, I took my makeup off, put my scarf and my hat on, put my glasses on.
Jogging suit and my Tim's, put on my big chain, I was lookin' like 2 Chainz in that bitch.
The elevator door open.
Ding! He lookin' around, "Man, you see a tall red bitch?" I said, "Playa, that bitch got off on two, homie.
That bitch" Whoo! Ladies and gentlemen, you know what they say.
What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas! Before I leave, I just want to let this audience know, let you all know that the only thing in life that really matters is acceptance.
Accept who you are.
I wanna accept who I am.
I wanna thank you for allowing me to be me and I wanna present to you my family.
- We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing There's no stoppin' me No stoppin' me - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing There's no stoppin' me No stoppin' me We gonna do our thing There's no stoppin' me No stoppin' me They ready, they ready I think they ready, I think they ready I think they ready, I think they ready I love you so much! You did it! I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing There's no stoppin' me No stoppin' me They ready, they ready I think they ready, I think they ready They all the way ready