Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Aida Rodriguez

1 Aida Rodriguez is one of my favorite comedians.
She's talking about the things that are real to her being a mom, being a woman.
She's always her true self, and that, to me, is beautiful.
I think they ready They all the way ready - We gon' do or die - We gon' do or die We gon' conquer the world Aida's here! - Hey! - Hey! - My baby.
- Aww! I started doin' stand up comedy while I was homeless.
I woke up one day, I looked in the backseat of my car, where my two kids were sitting in there, and I said, "I'm doin' an open mic.
" And what compels a homeless woman with two children to go do stand-up? It was cathartic for me.
I knew that that's what I was supposed to be doing and I was gonna continue to be homeless until I went out and pursued my dream.
They all the way ready Remember when we first met at that little raggedy party? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I just love the way you speak.
You're one of the most powerful women I know.
- Mm.
- And when you say certain things, it just hits my heart, like, immediately.
Thank you.
We have come a long way.
Many, uh early morning phone calls, cryin' about how messed up and sexist things were.
Oh, yeah.
And then me sayin', "Look, don't worry, We just gotta believe in ourselves.
" - Candles? Multicolored candles? - Yeah, multicolored candles.
Gotta burn the candles.
Keep your focus.
The candles you get from the, uh What do they call - Botánica? - A botánica.
You are more Hispanic than I am when it comes to the spiritual stuff.
I met Tiffany when I first started doin' stand-up.
She gave me some advice.
which was, "Don't sleep with the comedians, and just keep going.
" And we've been friends ever since.
We made a pact that whoever goes first throws the rope back, and she threw the rope back.
Anything you need me for, I'm there for you.
Ditto.
- Always.
- I'll beat somebody up about you.
- I love you.
I'm excited about the show.
- I love you too.
Me too.
- Me too.
- Rock it up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah Ladies and gentlemen, make a whole lot of noise for your last black unicorn, Tiffany Haddish! Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah - Hey! - Yeah, yeah, yeah Hello and welcome to They Ready.
Comin' to the stage, right now, this comedian is one of my personal, personal favorites.
Now, let me tell you how close we are.
She'll call me at six o'clock in the mornin', tell me somethin' weird.
Then, I'm like, "Okay, who we about to fuck up today?" Then she tell me more and then I'm like, "Girl, we just need to pray on this.
" Please make a whole lot of noise for my very good friend, my ace-boon-coon, the one and only Aida Rodriguez! We gon' do or die - We gon' conquer the world - We gon' conquer the world There's no stoppin' me No stoppin' me We gon' do or die - Hey! - We gon' conquer the world We gon' conquer the world Whoo! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! As you can see, I brought my whole family.
Aida! That's how we do it.
Latinos roll deep.
Yes.
My name is Aida Margarita Rodriguez.
They named me that shit and said, "Go now, go to school with them mean-ass white girls.
There you go.
Go make it.
" My mother's Puerto Rican.
My father is Dominican.
And my stepfather is Cuban.
I single-handedly represent the entire Spanish-speaking Caribbean.
And I grew up goin' to the hair salon with my grandmother every week, and every week they tried to blow-dry the Dominican out of me.
'Cause Latinos are racists.
They can be very racist.
They're racist with others and they're racist with each other too.
Like Dominicans? Some of them think they're better than Haitians because they speak Spanish.
Right? And Cubans think they're better than the Dominicans 'cause they're a little lighter, and they think they speak better Spanish.
And Puerto Ricans think they're better than all of 'em 'cause they're citizens and they speak English.
Meanwhile, the racists are like, "Send all them fuckin' Mexicans home.
Build that wall.
" So, I didn't know that I was part Dominican until later in life.
My mom used to say, "You don't have to claim him.
You ain't gotta claim your daddy.
He ain't shit.
He has not been around.
" And the reason he wasn't around was 'cause he kept gettin' deported.
He got deported three times and he came back four.
He did.
You wanna know how he got here? Delta.
The last time he came, he came on frequent flyer miles.
So you can build that wall if you want to.
You might keep a couple of Mexicans out, but the Dominicans are gonna fly right over that bitch.
Right? You wanna keep the Dominicans out, you better build a motherfuckin' dome.
I got kidnapped twice.
I was hot in them streets.
Both times by family members.
All the time, my whole life, I was waitin' on a white lady to come steal me, right? A white lady with a house, a pool, some cherry pie and a daddy in the house, all right? And then I just kept gettin' snatched up by motherfuckers with my last name.
I was like, "Fuck.
" The first time, it was my mom.
My mom kidnapped me from my father.
I was livin' in the Dominican Republic with my dad, and my mom stole me.
She brought me to America, like, basic parental kidnap shit, you know what I mean? She stole me.
She was like, "That motherfucker cheated on me.
He will never see you again, you hear me?" And that's how it went down.
That bitch was serious.
The second time I got kidnapped, though, I got kidnapped by my grandmother and my gay uncle.
Imagine that, right? They did a whole stakeout.
My grandmother flew to New York because my mother was dating a killer, right? Yes.
She was dating a murderer.
Killer, not like white-girl killer, like, a actual murderer-killer, you know? Like a real killer, so True! So, my grandmother was like, "I'm going to get her.
" So my grandmother did a stakeout.
She put a knife to the babysitter's throat.
Another old lady.
And, um she cut all my hair off.
I looked like Lou Diamond Phillips.
She did.
I was like the first transgender bitch on the planet, you know? And they flew me back to Florida and I stayed there with my grandmother.
And this is the thing.
When you get separated from your mother, no matter how fucked up she is, you still want your mother, right? Like, I really wanted my mom.
My grandmother had me livin' a better life.
I was goin' to school regularly.
Uh I was eating meals every day.
I was clean.
But I wanted to go back on the road, on the run with my mom and the killer.
I was like, "I want to be in the motel rooms, lookin' out the window for the SWAT team.
" This bitch is tryin' to give me stability, and I was like, "I don't want that shit.
" And finally, my mom came home 'cause somebody dropped a dime on the killer.
Um, I think it was my grandmother.
I was happy.
I was with my whole family again, but I never trusted my grandmother again.
I would never go anywhere with this bitch.
This bitch would be, like, "Hey, you wanna go to McDonalds?" I'd be, like, "Hell, no, bitch.
No! I will end up at McDonald's in Milwaukee, fuckin' around with you.
No!" I love my grandmother.
She's no longer with me.
But I love her, Not with a "d" at the end.
Love her, do you hear me? I was my grandmother's translator my whole life.
There's a downside.
When you're the translator and you are a kid, you learn shit you don't need to know.
I'm at the grocery store with my grandmother and this white lady is like "Is this banana ripe?" And I'd tell my grandmother, "Quiere saber si el guineo esta maduro?" And my grandmother was like, "Dile que se lo meta por el culo, y me diga a mi si esta maduro" Which means, "Tell her to shove it up her ass.
" "My grandmother said shove it up your ass, and you tell her if the banana is ripe bitch!" My grandma didn't know what that meant so I slid that in there.
At the bank.
"Tell your grandmother her account is overdrawn 'cause your grandfather's been writing bad checks.
" I was like, "Abuela, dice ella que la cuenta no tiene dinero porque el abuelo esta escribiendo cheques que no tienen fondo.
" My grandmother was like, "Ese hijo de la gran puta.
Yo lo voy a matar.
" Which means, "I'mma kill that son of a bitch," right? But the thing about it is that when Puerto Ricans say "son of a bitch," they don't say "son of a bitch.
" They say "hijo de la gran puta," which means "son of the greatest bitch.
" Like, the biggest bitch ever.
That bitch.
That bitch! That's the bitch I'm talkin' about right there.
At the gynecologist's.
I gotta tell her she has an STD.
I did not know how to say syphilis in Spanish.
I was like, "Esta rota la chocha, señora.
Lo siento, pero no trabaja.
El medico dijo que ya no va a trabajar, abuela.
" I told her her pussy was broken.
My bad.
I come from some bad bitches, you hear me? My grandmother shot my grandfather because he cheated on her.
Yes.
Yeah! True story.
I was like, "Grandma, what'd you do when you shot him?" She was like, "Nothing.
Cheaters don't get to go to the hospital.
" She said, "If he lives, that means Jesus forgave him.
" Bueno.
Es verdad, hey, bitch.
And my mother stabbed my father with an ice pick because he pushed her.
He was like, "Aida, what does that tell you about your mother?" I was little.
I was like, "I don't know.
Don't push Mommy?" And I was a punk-ass bitch to them, 'cause, like, the most gangsta thing I ever did towards a man was put a pillow over his face and hold it till he started kickin' his feet.
I wasn't gonna kill him.
I was just tryin' to send a message.
And to them, my daughter is, like, a full-on white girl, right? 'Cause the worst she'll ever do to a dude is accuse him of toxic masculinity.
No So my life changed because my Cuban stepfather came into my life and he was very racist and he didn't like me 'cause I was the dark one, right? It's all relative.
All relative.
I was the dark one in my house.
And we had a station wagon, and he used to sit me in the back of the station wagon.
For those of you who are millennials, a station wagon is a real big Prius.
And, uh They have engines and they use gas.
He used to sit me in the back of the station wagon.
I was like the Rosa Parks of my family.
And one day, he was takin' me and my brother to school and it was raining, and he splashed this black man on the bus stop.
A black man with his umbrella, lookin' like he was goin' to work, like he was goin' to get a job.
He looked like Walter Lee from A Raisin in the Sun.
Black man, sitting on the bus stop with his dignity and his pride, goin' to get a fuckin' job, and this motherfuckin' man splashes him on the bus stop, and the light turns red.
Yes, the light turned red because God is good.
You know what I mean? Yes.
Yes.
That black dude was like, "You motherfucking Cuban.
I hate you!" He knew he was Cuban 'cause Latinos always have flags in their cars.
And he was like, "Go home to your motherfucking country.
I hate you!" And my stepfather put that station wagon in park, walked around to that guy and punched that dude in the face and that black dude beat my stepfather's ass! Hey! It was beautiful.
The rain was comin' down.
I had a front seat.
I was like, "Beat his ass! Fuck him up! I'm so tired of this man.
" That dude had an umbrella in one hand, and with the other hand, he beat my stepfather's ass.
I was like, "I wanna go home with him.
He may not have a car, but he got hands.
" Yeah, my stepfather wobbled back to the car and he had all these bruises and welts.
I slid into the front seat.
Hey, my brother was crying 'cause that's his real father.
He tried to boss up on me.
He was like, "Put your seat belt on.
" I was like, "Put a Band-Aid on, motherfucker, you're bleeding.
Now, drive.
" He was so embarrassed.
He didn't take us to school that day.
We went home.
It was national Black Dude on the Bus Stop Day.
Hey, when we got home, I wasn't scared of him no more.
He tried to eyeball me.
He looked at me and I looked at him and he looked at me and I looked at him.
I was like, "You know, you got your ass beat on the bus stop.
Don't you dare bring up my grades.
'Cause I got a C in math, but you caught an L at the bus stop.
Now, clean this motherfucker up!" So I had to get away from those people.
I took my kids and I moved the fuck to California, where the white people are free and everybody else.
And, listen, California is so funny to me, 'cause I'm from Florida.
And, uh Especially white women.
The white women in California are hilarious, like, I live in LA and there is a white woman who has a missing cat.
She got "Missing Cat" signs all over the city of Hollywood, right? "Missing Cat.
" This bitch went to Kinko's and went to work, right? And the sign the sign has a picture of the cat, her home address, a phone number and a $5,500 reward.
I'm like, "This bitch is trying to get robbed.
" Yeah! "The cat is not the only one that's gonna be missing.
" But it says "missing," it doesn't say "lost," like a cat.
It says "missing," and this shit should say "escaped," 'cause that motherfucker left.
He got tired of you kissin' him on the mouth 'cause he is a fucking cat, bitch.
He's a fucking cat! He don't wanna snuggle with you and be on your Instagram, 'cause he's a fucking cat.
And that's what cats do.
They leave.
They walk out the fuckin' house, they don't look back.
They're like fathers.
They go! Hey! So I'm like, "I gotta round up these white women 'cause I need them to be allies to me, right?" 'Cause we need solutions.
Like, I got molested um, and I talk about it freely.
I had five uncles and not one of them touched me.
You know, I felt something was wrong with me 'cause everybody I knew got molested by their uncles.
Now, they would rob me, but they would never touch me.
But I feel like there are better solutions to deal with people who touch children.
Right? Like, instead of testing cosmetics on animals, white ladies? - I'm with you on that.
- Yes! - Test them on pedophiles.
- Yes! Set them on them.
Set 'em.
Yes.
Send them motherfuckers to prison with some MAC lip gloss on.
Uh, MAC lip gloss will always get you some dick.
Right? They should call that shit "dick gloss.
" So, this Me Too shit? This Me Too shit is real, and I'm gonna tell you something.
Like, ladies there's a much more practical way to deal with this.
We don't have to fucking cry on Twitter and write think pieces and shit.
We outnumber men.
- Yes.
- You hear me? We outnumber them.
Listen, this is Peep game.
This is what I got from the women who raised me, 'cause those women from that generation, they didn't have fucking Twitter.
They didn't have WordPress.
They had .
38 specials.
That's what they had.
They didn't have time for that bullshit.
We outnumber them.
Like, right now, if we wanted to send a message, we could.
All we gotta do is get in a big circle around all the men, like a Fight Club circle and put gay men at each exit and beat the shit out of them! We'd be like, "You could catch this ass-whoopin', or you can catch that dick on the way out.
" Yes.
"Catch it on the way out.
" Ain't nothin' scarier than a dick you don't want, right? Isn't that what homophobia is? A gay man said to me, "Hey, that joke is homophobic.
You have no idea how hard it is.
" I said, "Sir, first of all, I'm not homophobic.
My uncle was murdered in a hate crime.
I stand in the gap for gay people all the time, and I need you to do it for me.
Right? I need the gay men to do it for me.
Ladies, you don't need pepper spray.
You walk around with a big buff gay dude with a big dick, and every time every time one of these motherfuckers try to touch you, you'll be like, "Adam, pull out your dick.
Pull out your dick.
Fix this, Adam.
Fix this.
Fix it.
" He said, "You have no idea how hard it is.
" I said, "Sir, I have a vagina.
I always know how hard it is.
All right? Everywhere we go, they offer us dick as a solution.
- Right! - Yes! I had a headache.
My guy friend said to me, "You know what you need, A? You need some dick.
" I said, "No, sir, I need some Motrin.
Dick is what gave me the headache, but, thank you, asshole.
" You could be in a wheelchair.
Motherfucker will be like, "You wanna walk? You know what you need, girl? You need this dick.
" Ah! I was at Whole Foods.
I picked up an eggplant, and this dude looked at me, and did me like this.
I did not expect that shit at Whole Foods.
That is some Trader Joe shit.
Think about it.
Think about it.
Listen, fellas, you gotta be honest.
I'm not talkin' to the gay men, I'm talkin' to the straight ones.
If you think about all of the social ills of the world, they are all connected to men, testosterone, ego and penis.
All of 'em.
All of 'em! When you see the KKK marchin', you don't ever see women out there.
Them bitches ain't got time for that shit.
They back at the compound makin' some white chocolate chip cookies.
It's too fuckin' hot to be wrapped up in sheets.
Them bitches don't want a fuckin' yeast infection.
They not marchin' out there with them dummies.
When you think serial killer, you always think of a man.
- Yes.
- And the Women who are serial killers are killing men who've mistreated women.
Think about it.
You never hear that child say, "It was the nun.
" Never.
Never.
So, I don't think that men should be born with dicks.
I think they should have to earn them like a driver's license.
And there are prerequisites they should meet before they get their dicks, right? They should have to learn how to read.
"You want a dick? Let me tell you about my day, and at the end of the day, I'm gonna ask you five questions and you gotta answer four of them correctly before you get your dick.
" And I'm a believer in post-secondary education, so if you get a degree, you get a couple more inches.
You know? They won't call you Dr.
Dick for nothin'.
Ladies, imagine being able to know how smart a man is by the size of his dick? Right? That motherfucker walkin' around slingin', looking like a Mandingo.
You're like, "Ooh! He must be a scientist.
" Yeah! But when you see that little dick, you'll be like, "G-E-D! That's the pool cleaner.
Fuck that guy! Fuck that guy!" So, white women, I hope you get on board with me.
Um We can fix this.
Y'all owe me 'cause this white bitch, that got all these signs about that cat? Where was that bitch when I was missing? I needed you then, bitch.
I needed you, the cherry pie and a fuckin' daddy.
My name is Aida Margarita Rodriguez Paradas and I I am everything I am because the hood loved me.
Thank you.
She ready! - You're so funny.
- Thank you.
I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do or die - We gonna do or die - We gon' conquer the world - We gon' conquer the world We gon' do or die - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah - No stoppin' me - They ready, they ready - I think they ready - We gon' do or die They all the way ready - Oy, vey! - Use your knees.
Push it!