Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

Marlo Williams

1 Marlo Williams is one of my favorite comedians.
I always looked at her as a big sister.
She's from the same place I'm from, been through the same type of things I've been through.
She will say exactly what she think, how she think it, because she don't give a fuck.
That's Aunty Marlo.
I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing We gonna conquer the world Is this Marlo? - Marlo in the house! - You're lookin' good! This is my fuckin' house! What do you do, what do you do? My name is Marlo Williams.
I've been doin' stand-up comedy for 15 years.
Where I started doin' comedy, it was actually a fluke.
We happened to be goin' out to a club one night, and I was buzzin', actually, off of Hennessy, and I opened this door and they were in there doin' comedy.
I said, "Oh, shit, I can do that.
" Y'all drinkin' and shit? - Where the ice and shit at? - You brought your own tequila? - You are havin' it.
- Gimme a cup with some ice.
What's up, Tiffany? Got me way over here from Compton, Westside! Tiffany kind of came up with me under the game.
We used to sit in my livin' room and she would always say, "We gonna make it big," and "We gonna do this" and "We gonna do that.
" I say, "Yeah, you go out there and get it and come back and get my ass," and she actually did that.
I'm super proud of y'all and I want everybody in the world to know that you all are super talented, and my favorites, and deserve the best and deserve to be treated with the most respect.
Oh, bitch, don't you start that crying, bitch.
Not today! You cryin' too? What the hell wrong with y'all? Marlo, shut up because your ass gonna be sittin' in the bathroom cryin' - tryin' to keep your damn eyelashes on.
- No! Y'all some cryin' bitches! What is goin' on? I've seen you cry.
Stop actin' like you don't cry.
I grew up in a foster home, and instead of bein' sad about it or cryin' about it, I said, "Let me just put this all on stage.
" And once I get on stage, it's like nothin' matters.
All I can see is them people laughin' and havin' a good time.
So guess what? We all happy right now! I want somebody to walk away saying, "Life is not as bad as I freakin' thought it was.
" Compton is ready in the house.
Marlo? - I love your ghetto ass.
- I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! Aunty Marlo! Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah We didn't have enough money to hire an announcer, so I'm announcin' myself.
That's right, you know the voice.
It's Tiffany Haddish! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Hello and welcome to They Ready.
This comedian I'm bringin' to the stage right now, she's one of my personal favorites.
She tours all over the country with me.
Please make a whole lot of noise for one of my most favorite people on this planet, Marlo Williams.
We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna do our thing - Yeah, yeah, yeah - There's no stoppin' me No stoppin' me - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing Yeah.
All right.
All right, all right.
My name is Marlo.
I'm from Compton, California.
Yeah! Yeah, uh they got me in this tight-ass motherfuckin' jumpsuit.
I'm tryin' to stand still in this shit.
I'm hot as hell with this wig on, shit.
And I'm high.
I got this stocking cap up under here, my shit tight as a motherfucker.
Ooh, Lord, I wanna pull this motherfucker off, I'm tellin' you.
If I pull it off, I'mma scare the shit outta y'all.
I'mma be up here lookin' like Kendrick Lamar.
Yeah, I got full braids up under this shit.
Yeah.
Hey, white people! Love white people with their crazy-ass White people, you know y'all crazy as hell.
What I'mma need y'all to do When we go When we at the airport and we goin' through the TSA and it's time to get on the plane, I'mma need you to get to your seat and sit the fuck down.
White people always wait to get to they seat to fold they coat, take out they laptop "Look here, Bob, sit the fuck down!" Black people already don't wanna be on this motherfucker.
Yeah.
First time me and Tiffany went out, we get right up in the goddamn air, and the man say, "Oh, we gotta make a emergency landin' 'cause we ain't got no gas.
" I was I'm the only one on the plane, "Nigga! The fuck you got me way up here and ain't got no gas!" Crazy as hell.
"Yeah, y'all hurry up and get me back to Compton, nigga.
This is ridiculous.
" I do a lot of travelin' with Tiffany, you know? Which is cool.
I love it 'cause you get to see shit.
Comin' from Compton, you don't really see shit.
So we travel, and we've been travelin' a lot in the cold.
Yeah, we went to Milwaukee.
Yeah, I ain't never felt no shit like that in my life.
You know it's cold when you feel it in your vagina bone, okay? This is some bullshit.
I had to sleep in my wig! Had to pull that motherfucker down like a skull cap.
Ooh! Cold as fuck out there! But, uh Look.
Let me tell you somethin', ladies.
Y'all do not have to go get no plastic surgery to have no nice titties.
Take your ass to Milwaukee.
That cold-ass air will perk them motherfuckers right on up.
My titties was back 18.
I was like, "Damn! It's fuckin' nice!" Yeah, we travel all over the place.
I'd be like, "Tif, look" Now, see I'm the type of person, like I believe if God put hair where it's supposed to be, that's where it's supposed to be.
Now, sometimes I don't shave under my arm.
I'mma roll with the bush, right? So, we do a show in New York.
We do a show in New York.
We do a sh It's snowin' and all kind of shit out there.
It's cold.
So we get back to the hotel, me and Tiffany in there, we put on our pajamas, we havin' girl talk.
I threw my arm up, 'cause I'm comfortable as hell.
Shit, I'm high.
And I wonder why this bitch Tiffany lookin' at me, frowned up.
She like, "'Scuse me, bitch, you need to put your arms down 'cause that look like a pussy.
Yeah, bitch, it look like ants come outta there.
" Like, fuck, you ain't going to talk about my underarm, but guess what, when we got to the club later on? Motherfucking bitch is in the corner like, "Oh, it's cold out here.
" "Yeah, bitch, wish you ass had motherfuckin' underarm hair, huh?" Motherfuckin' right.
Had a good time, though, travelin'.
I like travelin'.
It's just, the only thing about bein' a female comic, it's hard to get a man.
I can't get no man.
They think I'll get up here and talk about Do I look like I'mma do some shit like that? Oh, fuck y'all! Damn right I'mma talk about that Damn right.
Let me tell See, I feel like y'all a good crowd.
I feel like we family, I can talk to y'all.
Yeah.
Now, what happened to me, you see, I'm datin' this dude and he pissed me off, 'cause he popped up over my house without askin' me.
I don't play that shit.
You gotta be went to the county buildin' with me, or the Section 8 building.
You just can't pop up at my house, you know what I mean? You gotta have been doin' some shit with me, right? So, he's just gonna pop his ass up over my house.
I say, "Okay, I got somethin' for his ass.
" I ran in and shut off all the lights, jumped in the middle of my bed with my wig off, with a flashlight, 'cause he ain't never seen me with my wig off.
He hit that bedroom door.
I hit that lighter like click-click, click-click.
All you heard was the door slam, right? So I called him.
I'm like, "B, where you goin'? What What's happenin'?" He say, "Look here, you need to call the police.
" I said, "For what?" He said, "Look, you got a little man-boy sittin' in the middle of your bed.
" I'm like "Nigga, that's me.
" He like, "Marlo, if that's you Uh, bitch, it's over.
" This is crazy.
Oh, ladies, let me tell you.
Men and women.
I went out to the club the other night, right? And, um I got on the dance floor and I smelled some shit.
You know, it smelled like a few people needed some penicillin or some Flagyls.
No, I Y'all know what that shit is! I used to work in a gynecologist's office.
Let me tell you somethin'.
Y'all women comin' there, them young women comin' there? They little vagina be standin' straight up.
Damn! Y'all 30 and 40, that motherfucker be droopin' a little bit.
By the time you 50, that motherfucker is hung all over.
Like, damn! But I was at the club the other night.
We out there, we gettin' it in, boogie and shit.
Like, "Damn, somebody out here cuttin' up.
" I smell some shit.
So, you know My crazy ass, I'm from Compton, I'm high as shit.
I lean over to the next, be like "Mm.
" Lean over there, I'm like, "Well, shit, I smell somethin' in here.
" And you always do the test, to make sure it ain't your ass that's stinkin', so I'm just Where I'm at! Make sure it ain't your ass that's stinkin'.
Why y'all look like y'all the church choir? What's up with this shit right here? We got the pastor and the deacon All the hoes No, I'm just playin', I'm just playin'.
Aaah! I'm just I'm just messing with you.
That's why I don't go to church.
My I'm all I'm all messed up in the head.
See, I'll be the one at church And, you know, there'd always be them older brothers, the deacons, they like, 72, 73, 75, 76 but they got big dicks.
They be sittin' right there on top of the pulpit, I'd be like, "Damn, brother Johnson! Ooh "Ooh, forgive me, Lord.
" Be dick everywhere.
But I like y'all.
This shit is nice.
I didn't know it looked like this on this side of town.
We ain't got no grass where I'm from.
We don't.
I grew up right in in the middle of Compton, with the gangbangers, the Dr.
Dres and all of them, you know? I grew up in the real heart of Compton.
We ain't got no grass.
'Cause all them niggas kept diseases so when they peed and shit, just burnt all the goddamn grass.
They done peed all that trichomonas in the soil.
You know people across the 91, we don't come on this side of town.
This shit is This is nice.
Fuckin' nice.
Yeah, I brung with me a whole bag and everything.
I say, "If I'mma go that far, I'mma fuck somethin'.
" This I'm like Yeah! Yeah.
No, I tell I'mma be honest with y'all.
I ain't no ho or nothin', but look I went out with this dude, right? I let him suck my titty, but the nigga left it smellin' like a Newport.
That shit pissed me off.
That nicotine fucked my nipple up.
I still fucked him, but I'm just saying, you know? I'm into that old ghetto sex stuff.
Yeah, I like to just pull my panties over to the side and nigga put me in a headlock and hop on me Push the bitch into the microwave or some shit.
That's the kind of shit I I don't like that boring-ass sex.
That's why I don't like watching pornos.
Black pornos turn me off.
'Cause black people shit be all fucked up.
Ain't no sheet on the bed Lampshade leanin' This bitch nail is broke.
Her knees is ashy.
This nigga got on his socks.
Like, this is some bullshit.
White people porno? Can't get into that.
It look like two Band-Aids fucking.
Yeah, 'cause you know the women shave all they shit off.
They're two pink-assed Band-Aids.
Don't know what's goin' on.
Yeah! They say, "Marlo, don't get out on that stage, talking about you don't suck dick.
" I don't.
That why I drive a Toyota Camry, ma'am.
It's too much work.
It's too much work.
And it take a long time for a man to do his thing, you know, 'cause these men eat all kind of shit.
Yeah, ladies, if you ever wonder why your big toe is big and it's turned crooked with some hair on it? 'Cause this nigga done ate a cheese toast sandwich with some garlic in it.
Look at the ladies like, "Huh? Is that why all my toes swelled up?" Yeah, bitch.
They say, "Don't go tellin' about you don't" I don't.
I don't suck dick.
I mean, you know, it that's too much work.
And I smoke weed.
I'd be holdin' that motherfucker in my hand like "Mm.
"What you said What What you want me to do? Ugh.
And you better hurry up.
" That's that extra skin.
Extra skin.
They always pullin' that shit out, too.
Dick lookin' like a vacuum cleaner bag.
"Boy, put that shit up.
The fuck wrong with you? Put that shit up.
" Yeah, like, you know, like they always talkin' about "I'm When I get over there, I'mma beat it up.
" Yeah, I had this one nigga.
His dick was so little, I coughed, that motherfucker popped out and hit my couch.
I was ready to whoop his ass.
Talkin' about, "Go get that towel in there to clean it.
" "Nigga, we just left the hamburger stand.
Use some of them napkins in there, nigga.
" Oh, fuck 'em.
They talk about us, shit.
"Y'all women, y'all titties be hanging, y'all got stretch marks.
" Nigga, y'all do, too.
You ain't ever watch your man get up and go to the bathroom with the lights off and just the bathroom light on? You be like, "This nigga got hips.
" I'mma do it to his I'mma do it to his friend.
Like, if you, like, really want to turn, like, if Women, if you tired of your your man, and you don't want to be with his ass no more, I'mma tell you how to get rid of him.
Late at night, once again, it's dark, bathroom light on, if your monthly on, just get up with your pad twisted and hanging out of the back there.
And walk to the bathroom.
He gonna be like, "Nasty, bitch.
" Aaaaaah! Fuck y'all, that was funny.
This is cool.
I love this shit.
I'm glad that Tiffany called us all out to come out here.
And And Yeah.
I Yeah, I I love that bitch.
But I still ain't givin' up my Section 8.
She can kiss my ass on that one.
Fuck her, I got a five bedroom, three bath, I pay $75.
She can kiss my ass.
I'll never know when that bitch gonna say, "Fired," and I'll be like, "So?" When I used to work at Walmart, that bitch would call me every other day.
"How long that's gonna last?" "Bitch, you not gonna disrespect my job.
It's what you're not gonna do.
" "How long that's gonna last?" Then she called me.
"Come on tour with me.
" I'm all actin' hard on the other end.
I'm like, "Well, let me think about it.
I might have to talk to my boss.
At Walmart.
Let me think about it.
" I'm sayin' to myself, "Bitch, when we gonna leave, bitch?" I worked there Black Friday.
I did 935 hours.
My check was $215.
I was about to blow that motherfucker up.
Shit! Oh, my God, no, I only sold 400 TVs in that And then the customers comin' in to ask you stupid shit like, "Excuse me.
Do you work here?" "No, bitch.
I just put this blue vest on, with this big ass moon in the back of it, bitch.
" Just ask stupid shit.
Then I had to catch myself, 'cause after I quit, I fuckin' went and bought me a TV.
You know, after bein' out with Tiffany, a bitch made a few more dollars.
So I upgraded my 32-inch to a 50-inch.
So, I go to I go to Walmart.
I said, "Look Let me get a a 50-inch TV.
" Now, I'm old-school.
I ain't into this smart TV shit.
I told the lady, "Give me a 50-inch Vizio," right? I get the goddamn TV home, I plug it in.
It start asking me all these questions that the Section 8 building asked me.
"What's your name? Your social security number?" I said, "Ah, hell, no.
" I bubble wrapped that motherfucker back, took it back to Walmart.
I took it back to Walmart, I said, "Look here, bitch.
I need a dumb-ass TV.
" Hey, y'all.
My name is Marlo.
- We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah Hey! I love y'all, LA! Thank you! - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah They ready, they ready, I think they ready, I think they ready She ready! - Yes! I'm proud of you.
- Mm! I think they ready, I think they I think they ready They all the way ready - We gonna do our thing - We gonna do our thing - We gonna conquer the world - We gonna conquer the world We gonna do our thing - There's no stoppin' me - Yeah, yeah, yeah - No stoppin' me - They ready They ready, I think they ready I think they ready They all the way ready