'Til Death s01e01 Episode Script


I'd like to marry a girl that's skinny.
I think I might marry a girl who does Girl Scouts, who sells cookies and stuff.
Who would I want to marry? A lawyer, so I could be rich.
This is it.
Our new street.
I love our new street! I love you.
I love you more.
God, you're so hot! Idiot! Ow! Got a paper cut.
It's disgusting.
Look at it.
Why would I want to look at your paper cut? You said it was disgusting.
I'll take your word for it.
Just look at it.
I don't want to.
Come on.
It's got this crazy skin flap.
Look at that.
Oh, jeez.
Come on, I don't want to look at it! Ah, no! Stop it! Come on, just take a look at it.
Hello, new neighbors.
Hmm? Come on, come.
Oh, look at that.
He's carrying her across the thing.
Oh! Ooh.
Here we go.
Make it count, big man.
What? Right at the best part.
Where's their bedroom? Come on.
Show's over.
Well, well, well.
The Rupert's got groceries again.
They just went to the market yesterday.
What the hell's going on over there? * All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I'm at 142.
Okay, stretch it out.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm bucket of chicken on your lap.
Hey there! We're just moving in.
Hi! This is Eddie.
I'm Joy.
What a happy name.
Must be so great to go through life with a name like that.
Yeah, it's been quite a ride so far.
Jeff Woodcock.
This is my wife Steph.
Oh, are you the Woodcock who's going to be the new vice-principal over at Churchill? Yeah.
How'd you know? I teach history there.
Saw your name on the newsletter.
I made the newsletter? Nice.
Pretty heady stuff.
Good for you.
Hey, maybe you two should car-pool.
That would be great.
So, how do you like teaching over there? Oh, honestly, I'm just trying to save up enough money to retire while I still have a colon.
Well, my last job was teaching middle school back in Minneapolis, so high school administration's really a big leap for me.
I want to be like someone the kids feel like they can talk to, like a cool vice-principal, you know? Okay.
What? It's just You know, it's human nature for kids to hate their vice-principal.
And your last name is Woodcock.
Kids are going to have a little fun with that.
Hey, my pool table catalog.
What's that, baby? Nothing.
You know, I was just thinking, since we probably won't be using the formal dining room that much, that it may be fun to put a pool table there.
Pool table? That's an interesting idea.
You realize, Woodcock, you're never getting that pool table.
What? Yeah, we are.
Your wife said, "That's an interesting idea.
" That's woman-talk for "Maybe when the sun burns out.
" What do you got going on with those papers there? You're very busy.
Oh, these are just some fliers telling the kids about a website I set up, so they can e-mail me with their questions or concerns.
You're not making it very easy on yourself, are you? Hey, when you see how many hits mywoodcock gets That does sound kind of bad, huh? Oh, and about this pool table thing, you really don't know me and my wife all that well, okay? She is going to be fine with it.
No, she's not.
How could you possibly know that? A pool table is for fun.
Men want to have fun, and wives want to walk that fun deep into the woods and shoot it dead.
Marriage isn't about fun.
Marriage is more about having someone to drive you to the hospital for your operations.
And you will start having your operations.
Your cataracts, your tumors.
Sure, at certain points in the marriage, being a single guy might seem like more fun, but there's nothing fun about being a single guy with a tumor.
I just couldn't disagree more.
You think it'd be fun to be a single guy with a tumor? No, just your incredibly dark take on things.
Steph and I, we met hang-gliding.
We scuba-dive.
Last summer, we visited a working Amish farm.
So don't tell me about fun.
Wait, that kid's not allowed to have a scooter in the hallway.
That kid's allowed to do whatever he wants.
That's Pete Pratt.
His dad is this big heart surgeon who operated on the principal and saved his life.
Now, the little douchebag's untouchable.
There's the guy.
Looking good.
How was your summer? Not too bad.
Raced a few cars, kicked around Europe.
So, who's this? New man you share your life with? No.
I'm your new vice-principal.
I'm sorry.
Wood what? And so it begins.
Bottom line, people have always killed each other, people are currently killing each other, and people will continue to kill each other forever.
All right.
Have a great afternoon.
So, how was your big first day of school? Get any e-mails to mywoodcock? Yeah, quite a few, actually.
Most of them not so nice.
And I could have done without that hurtful one from you.
By the way, the more I think about this pool table thing, the more I realize you are so completely wrong.
Steph's going to love it.
But even if you are right and she's not that into the idea, I'm still going to get one because I'll just tell her how much it means to me and she'll understand 'cause we communicate.
That's how we solve problems.
I can predict exactly how your pool table fight's going to go.
I could write the script word for word, and our little play does not have a happy ending.
You are a bizarre human being.
Oh, am I? Here we go.
She'll say, "Isn't the room a little small for a pool table?" And you'll say, "No.
" And she'll say, "Yeah, but how often do you really get to play pool?" And you'll say, "Well, I don't get to play much, but I'd love to.
" And then she'll say, "But isn't it more important to have a nice room for dinner parties?" And you'll say, "Well, in reality, sweetie, "we really don't host that many dinner parties.
" And now you've pissed her off because even if women don't actually host dinner parties, they want to believe that they host dinner parties.
That's why you just registered for thousands of dollars' worth of china.
What pattern did you get? Butterflies.
There's a reason why china rhymes with vagina.
* Oh! Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Mr.
Get over here.
So, I was just opening some wedding gifts, and your Uncle Jerry sent me lingerie, and a card I really don't think I should share with you.
That's just Uncle Jerry.
Hey, look, about this pool table Hey, what do you think of this one, with the cherry wood finish and the purple felt? I like it.
Purple's pretty.
All right, so you're okay with this, huh? So we could get one, like, this weekend? Great.
What? Nothing.
That's great.
That's great.
Put down the Goldfish.
We are going jogging.
What? No.
You said we could be fat.
That was our 40th birthday present to each other.
That was before I met our new next-door neighbor and I look like I could eat her.
Is this because of the Woodcocks? Yes, it is.
Oh, and by the way, I invited them for dinner, a little "Welcome to the neighborhood.
" Wait a minute.
You got me car-pooling with the guy, now they're coming over for dinner.
What's next, matching Woodcock tattoos? Come on, it'll be fun.
You're always saying since Allie went away to college, we've run out of things to say to each other.
Well, we have, but in a good way.
Would you go change, please? No.
You can't make me run.
Enjoy your heart attack.
I will.
I'm shooting for March.
What you watching, Ellen? Yep.
Who's she got on? Looks like the cast of Broadway's Spamalot.
After this, we're going jogging.
So you guys all moved in, huh? We're coming along.
We still need a few things.
Yeah? Oh, yeah, honey, that reminds me, we still need to get a lamp for my desk.
You know what? We could do that this weekend when we're out pool table shopping.
That's right.
You heard me.
Okay, I'm going to go check on my gnocchi and then maybe order some backup Chinese.
Some red wine, Eddie? Actually, sweetie, I was thinking about that pool table and Are you sure the dining room's big enough? There it is.
I think there's plenty of room in there, honey, yeah.
But how much do you really play pool, anyway? I don't really play all that much, but that's mainly because I don't have a pool table.
I got to say, I'm a little confused, honey.
You said that you loved the idea of a pool table.
You thought that the purple felt was pretty.
Purple is fine, if you're a pimp.
And it seems to me that Steph would like a room to entertain in for dinner parties and stuff like that.
Yes! Thank you.
No problem.
I'm so sorry.
We shouldn't get into all this here.
No, no, please, continue.
We'll talk about this at home.
Yeah, we'll talk about it at home, but when we do, we will make sure that the lines of communication are open, and we will come to a conclusion that satisfies both parties, right, honey? Right.
But no pool table.
What? Why not? Because I said no.
You can't just say no.
Oh, I can't? Watch me.
You're not in charge, okay? You have no legal authority.
Can we get some more olives out here? I have, like, this little Magic 8 Ball.
I said, "Am I going to marry "Michaela?" That's her name.
And I shaked it, and it said yes.
Let's do this again.
This was fun! Oh, my God.
They were sniping at each other all night.
What do you think their fight was about? Oh, I don't have to think.
I know.
Really? You know? Tell me.
Well, they were having this tiff when you were in the kitchen, and, you know, it was about the pool table that Jeff wants to get, and I told him not to bring it up because I knew Steph would never let him get one.
How do you know that Steph would never let him get one? Oh, because in marriage women stop fun from happening.
Okay, all right.
I want you to name one time in our marriage when I stopped you from having fun.
All right.
You know what? I'm going to go with the redwood hot tub that I wanted to put in just after we moved in.
That's what you're pulling out? That's what I'm pulling out.
I thought that I did our neighbors a service by sparing them the sight of you lowering your freakishly long body into a big pot of back-hair soup.
Oh, that's nice.
That's constructive! It is offensive to me that you somehow think that I railroaded you into not having a hot tub.
Well, I said I wanted it, and you said no.
We don't have to call it a railroading.
We can call it something else if you'd like, like soul-crushing, or bitch-slapping is good.
You never would have used it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, and you really use your herb garden out there.
Let me ask you something.
When was the last time you put down your soup ladle, ran outside and picked some fresh cumin? I have picked herbs.
Do you want to know who's not fun? You are not fun.
I am a travel agent.
I get offered free trips all the time, but I can't go anywhere because my husband refuses to leave America! Oh, you know the outside world holds no appeal for me.
Really? Do you think that I am not fun? That's right.
I don't.
Well, prepare to experience the depths of how not fun I can be! Uh-oh.
What's the matter? We caught your fight.
What? You came over, you had your fight in my house, and now you gave the fight to us.
It happens sometimes at dinner parties.
Usually it's us giving the fight to someone else, but this time it came around and bit me in the ass! Excuse me.
Jeez, I'm sorry.
Well, you should be.
I asked you not to bring up the pool table.
Now everybody's screaming, both of our wives are mad at us, you still don't have a pool table.
Well, actually, our fight's over, and we had great make-up sex.
Make-up sex? Yeah.
And we're getting a pool table.
Oh, what's the matter, tough guy, huh? Oh, Mr.
Marriage Master got nothing to say for once? Well, how about this? How about this weekend you can just listen to the sounds of me making love to my wife on my brand-new pool table and then racking up, uh-uh! Yeah! Well! All right, all right.
Stop the dancing, Woodcock, and just tell me how you pulled it off.
I didn't pull anything off, Eddie, you know.
I was just looking at her in bed, you know, and she was so beautiful.
And I said to her, "You know what? "I don't need a pool table.
I just need you.
" And she just melted, and then we made love, and then afterwards, she was curled up against me and she said, "You know what? "Let's get the pool table.
" Oh.
And then we did it again.
Bye-bye! Ow! Coming up next, Ellen welcomes singing phenom Josh Groban.
Oh, I love him.
Just going out for my run.
What are those? Herb seeds for my lady's garden.
What is this about? Well, this is about me being sorry about our fight last night.
Really? Absolutely.
I don't need a hot tub.
I just need you.
What? Shh! So, what, are you jogging? Yeah.
You know, I don't know if it's the outfit or what, but you look trimmer already.
You're springy, like when a steak is cooked just right.
Mmm, you smell good, like fried chicken.
There's a truck from a billiard company leaving the Woodcocks'.
Oh, is there? I guess he got his pool table.
I guess he did.
Is this what Jeff did to get his pool table? Can't a man love his wife and bring her a variety of herbs without being accused of having an agenda? I knew it.
I knew something was up.
What? What? Nothing's up! I said I was sorry! Now it's time for make-up sex.
What are you doing? No, it's make-up sex.
It's what people do.
Come on, take your pants off! You cannot have make-up sex until you have made up, idiot! But wait, wait! I love you! Oh, okay.
If we can't have sex, will you please at least look at these hot tub brochures? Are you kidding? Hot tubs? So, what? The seeds, they were just a A lie, okay, I hate herbs! I hate everything they stand for! What did you even buy me here, huh? What is this, huh? Look at this one.
It's a packet of Kool-Aid! It made it look like there were more.
Give me that! Unbelievable.
Oh, yeah, unbelievable.
Why? 'Cause it's a fun drink.
That's right.
Kool-Aid is fun, and that scares the hell out of you! Well, you know what? They're not scared of that next door, where I'll be going to play billiards! Good day! Unbelievable! Let's play some pool! Where's the table? Over there.
Room's a little small, isn't it, Woodcock? Hey! Shh! I love the table, honey.
This is great.
All right.
This is sweet, huh? This is life.
This is living.
And the fun starts now.
My eye! Oh, my eye! I love this table, honey.
I've been hurt.
I'm sorry I acted like an idiot.
I really am.
It's just those Woodcocks.
They got me crazy with their communication and their make-up sex.
I liked it better when we lived next to that weird old couple who used to slip down their driveway all winter.
It was like our own personal Ice Capades right outside.
Yeah, the Woodcocks got me crazy, too.
We just have to accept who we are.
What do you always say? "Marriage is for having someone to drive you to the hospital.
" That's true.
Thanks for the lift.
It's what I'm here for.
I love you, you know.
I love you, too.
Hey, you know, maybe when we get home we could just try the make-up sex.
You know, see what it's all about.
Yeah? We could.
We'll see.
Hey, how's the eye? Good.
Good, good.
I got to get rid of this pool table.
Can I just admit to Steph that the room is way too small? Are you crazy, Woodcock? No.
Remember, I teach history.
When you conquer a land, you don't turn around and give it back.
Now, you're going to keep that thing until she's pregnant, and then you've got an elegant out with the playroom.
* Hey, hey, hey! Well, you kiss, and I don't want to do that.

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