'Til Death s01e02 Episode Script

Sex for Furniture

* All Right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Smell that meat.
How is this not a cologne? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's happening here? I'm grilling the corn.
I read it's supposed to taste better.
Slide your steaks over.
I'm not moving my meat for a vegetable.
Move your corn, lady.
You move it.
Oh, I will.
I'm getting my tongs.
Unpleasant.
Ooh, sorry.
We were just playing a little Frisbee before dinner.
Well, we didn't mean to interrupt.
I'll see you tomorrow for car pool, right, Eddie? Okay then.
Ha ha! Thank you so much for having us.
No problem.
Can I speak to you? What the hell is going on? I'm gone for two seconds, and I come out, and Woodcock's breathing on my meat? I invited them over.
They were staring at the grill.
I didn't know what to do.
Well, this is not company meat, okay? This is the private stuff from the catalog.
Okay.
All right, thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
What are you doing there, chief? Uh, sitting.
Okay, we don't sit in these chairs, okay? They're old.
You have to ease, okay? Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? Aw, my chair.
Thank you, Steph.
I'm fine.
All right, this is This is the better one here.
Oh! Nobody says a word.
You know, I could go get some folding chairs.
Thank you, Jeff.
Eddie, help him.
Well, the good news is now you can get new patio furniture.
Yay.
What? Won't that be fun? I hate shopping with Eddie.
Oh, 'cause he's really annoying? Yeah, but you're not allowed to say that.
Sorry.
You know, he makes buying anything into this huge, drawn-out process.
He has to do all this research, and then he has all these opinions.
He goes into the chat rooms, gets blocked from the chat rooms.
Yeah, shopping with Jeff can be a real pain, too.
Yeah.
That's why whenever I want something for the house, I What? Just there's a way to make it easier.
What? What way? Well I tell Jeff if he lets me buy whatever I want, sight unseen, I'll make it worth his while.
What do you mean "make it worth his while"? What do you do, rub his feet or something? Mmm-hmm.
And other parts.
I get kind of freaky.
Are you telling me that you trade sex for furniture? No.
Oh.
I guess I am.
That is This is brilliant! * Hey! * Oh! * All right Hey, what'd you just do to the television? I turned it off.
That is an option in some homes.
Listen, I have been out shopping for patio furniture, and I found something that I like.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, lady, okay? There's a lot to consider.
You got your aluminum, your wrought iron, your premium teak.
I know, I know.
It is a complicated issue.
Here is a way to make it simple.
If you let me buy the furniture that I want, sight unseen, no questions asked, I will have sex with you right now.
Say again.
You heard me.
Patio furniture for sex.
Daytime sex? Daytime sex.
In the day? That is why it's called daytime sex.
Well, you realize it'll be light out.
I'll be able to see you.
Yes.
And you'll be able to see me.
I will see you.
You will see me.
It'll be like we're doin' it together.
Interesting.
This is a highly unorthodox offer.
Where would this "sex in the day" happen? Gentleman's choice.
On the couch? Couch it is.
No, wait, wait, wait.
I'm not committing.
Not committing to the couch yet.
Stairs? Wherever your trick knee allows.
Keep in mind we eat there.
Okay.
So let's say we're gonna have the daytime sex on the couch.
What kind of sex are we talking about? Oh, anything you want.
That we've done.
Including the thing in Mexico? You feel you're up to it? I don't even have to brush my teeth? I just ate a hoagie.
Okay, fine.
I'll have the daytime sex on the couch, despite the hoagie.
Wow.
How bad is this patio furniture? You see, that is the thing.
You don't get to hear anything about the furniture.
You have to agree to my choice sight unseen, and I am all yours right here, right now.
How 'bout it, cowboy? Pass.
Did you just say "pass"? I did.
To sex? That is correct.
Okay, wait.
Just to make this incredibly clear, you just chose patio furniture over sex with me.
I've had sex with you.
I know what it's about.
You say "Oh," I say "Oh," then you run into the bathroom and I try to find my socks in the bed.
But patio furniture, that I cannot believe this.
I mean, I have got some good stuff going on here.
My body is a freakin' wonderland.
When did we get to a point in our marriage where I couldn't have patio furniture for sex? When did they cancel Knight Rider? I haven't had it since KITT, the talking car? You are an ass.
Hey, look, I was just sitting here, minding my own business, having some lovely cheese doodles, and all of a sudden, you're forcing me to pick between patio furniture and your bouncy house.
I didn't realize it would be such a tough choice! You see? That's what happens when the TV's off! * Oh! Ah, ah, ah! Enough with the humming, Woodcock.
Either sing it or shut up.
Sorry.
How loud do you breathe? You're like a foghorn.
I can't stop breathing, Eddie.
Well, we gotta come up with something, because this is brutal.
What is with you? You've been in a bad mood all day.
I have not.
You made the lunch lady cry.
It's called Chicken a la King, not Chicken a la Band-Aid.
She should have gloved up.
Fine.
I'm mistaken.
You are a little ray of sunshine.
Joy and I got into this fight yesterday.
She came home with this crazy idea that we should trade patio furniture for sex.
Really? What, like if you agree to the furniture without looking at it, she'll make it "worth your while"? Yeah.
How'd you know? Steph and I, we do the same thing.
So my wife got the idea from your wife.
I bet she did.
Get out.
What? Get out of my car.
We're still moving.
I don't care.
I don't want you or your wife or your "get your freak on" furniture selves anywhere near me.
Would you calm down? It's just a game.
It's a sweet, wonderful game.
No, no.
Uno is a sweet, wonderful game.
This is prostitution.
What? That's right.
You heard me.
Your wife is a furniture hooker.
She may not be walking the docks in high heels trying to drum up business during fleet week, but the effect is the same.
No, it is not.
Look, you're young.
You may not realize it yet, okay? But you are trading a moment of pleasure for a lifetime of furniture that you had no say in.
Well, that's not a problem, because there is nothing that she picked out that I would not have bought myself.
Oh, really? So the berry farm's out back? You don't need a farm to have a berry sign.
It's called folk art.
Folk art.
Mmm-hmm.
Shame on you.
What the hell is that? It's a gardening bench with a distressed patina finish.
Oh, my God.
Okay, all right, all right, well, that one slipped by me, but I'm okay with everything else in here.
Like this chair.
Steph got this chair here especially for me.
It's very masculine, she calls it my throne.
Looks like a shell.
No, it doesn't.
Hey, manly chairs can be scalloped.
I can't imagine the horror that's happening in your bedroom.
Oh, my God! Well, could be worse.
You could have a shelf of dolls on the wall.
You got one of those somewhere, don't you? They're First Ladies, they're not technically dolls.
You know, you don't have to enjoy this so much.
I'm sorry.
Well, look, at least you still have this, the big, ugly man dresser.
Yeah.
Yeah, she calls that "fine for now.
" She's been wanting a new one.
Oh, I bet she has.
All right, now listen to me, Woodcock.
This is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna stand your ground.
The next time your wife tries to seduce you into trading your joeys for a pair of antique sconces, you're gonna say no.
I gotta go.
The smell of potpourri is making me nauseous.
* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Guess what, Joy? Your sick little neighborhood sex trade is over.
I just spoke to Woodcock, and he Joy! Out here! Ha! What did you do, woman? I bought patio furniture.
But you just can't buy furniture.
Actually, you can.
And it turns out if you don't have an annoying giant with you, it only takes about 15 minutes.
But I didn't take the sex.
Bet you're regretting that about now, huh? Joy, I had ideas.
I have wood samples and fabric swatches.
Did you know that Relax The Back and NASA are working together on a smart foam? No, you didn't know.
You know why? Because you don't do the research! You just can't change how we make decisions.
Yeah? Well, a lot of things change.
You used to want to have sex with me.
Then America falls out of love with Knight Rider, and it's a different world.
Now I pick the furniture.
It doesn't even glide.
You know I like to glide.
This is why we had a shopping protocol, because you deliberately, deliberately seek out things that I hate, and I will hate this furniture for the rest of my life.
All right.
Well, I guess I'll take my daytime sex now.
It's almost dusk.
Let's get it going.
Oh, I'm afraid that offer is no longer on the table.
Or the couch.
Wait a minute.
So you get the furniture, and I get nothing? Pretty much, yeah.
Fine.
I'll do it myself.
* Ow! * Ow, ow! There's my handsome husband.
Yeah.
Here I am on my scalloped chair.
So, on my way back from the library, I dropped off your dry cleaning, and guess what I saw in the store next door.
A new dresser? Oh, yeah.
Does it have a patina? Shh.
No more talking.
It's on.
Wait, wait.
Wait.
Stop.
What's wrong? I can't do this.
But you love doing this.
But it's wrong.
No, it's not.
I'm tired of living in a berry patch.
What? Yeah.
Look and I'm tired of your baskets and your dried flowers and your crates from the French bakeries, and I cannot stand all that girly crap in the bathroom.
I washed my hands for 15 minutes before I realized I was rubbing a candle.
A man lives here, a manly man who drinks beer and guts fish and throws boomerangs! Enough! Stop trying to seduce me, you furniture hooker.
Did you just call me a hooker? Hello.
Forget what I said.
They can go out and buy the furniture anyway.
She found a new dresser, and I stood my ground.
There is no ground.
Abort mission.
Take the sex before it's too late.
Hey there, bunny.
Bet you're feelin' pretty good, aren't you? Yep.
Pretty smug on your frilly wrought iron.
I'm ridin' a nice buzz, yeah.
Well, you can ride it straight to hell.
Because what you have done today hasn't just ruined our patio, which incidentally looks like it's owned by a gay man in Palm Springs.
But you also ruined sex.
That's right.
You took something that we did together, that was beautiful, though infrequent, and you made it a commodity, something to trade, something dirty.
And not the good dirty, like we had in Mexico.
Hi.
Hello.
What you readin'? A book.
What are you after now, a new set of stemware? Come on, Eddie.
Fine.
Do your business and then hit IKEA.
I'll just shut off inside.
Come on, I'm sorry.
Really.
I mean, Steph just told me about the whole sex-for-furniture thing, and I thought that it was kind of a fun way of getting what I want.
But I realize we're not them.
I mean, it would have worked for us 20 years ago.
Right? You kiddin'? Back then, I would've let you furnish the entire house just to watch you walk out of the room.
You got a great onion.
I mean, with Jeff and Steph it's all so magical and undiscovered, and for us, I've I've seen you move a rug naked.
Well, technically I did have flip-flops on.
Anyway I would really like to keep the furniture.
But listen, instead of sex, I would like to offer you something else, something that I think actually might arouse you.
Mail-order beef? I'm giving you 25 pounds of whatever you want.
Even if it's dry, aged Kobe beef in its own commemorative chuck wagon? Done.
Okay, wait, wait.
I'm not committing to the chuck wagon.
Ooh, the words "bacon-wrapped" just caught my attention.
Oh! Chops! I am so turned on to you right now.
I love you, too.
No, no.
Leave the catalog open.
* Hey, baby! * Yo, oh, oh, oh, oh * Hey * Ta-na-na Hey, neighbor.
So, uh, got to keep my dresser.
Yep.
I mean, you know, Steph pointed out that it didn't really go with anything else that we had, so she painted it white and distressed it a bit, and added some antique crystal pulls, but still A win's a win.
You know what I'm saying? Let me address the giant elephant in the room.
All this meat is for me.
* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey *