'Til Death s01e03 Episode Script

The Ring

Oh, I took way too much hand cream.
Here.
What do you want me to do? Take my extra cream.
What? Rub your hands against mine and wipe some of this off.
I'm just trying to live my life here.
It's expensive lotion.
I don't want to waste it.
Joy, get a Kleenex and sacrifice the cream.
Is touching me really that repulsive to you? Right now, yes.
The thought of clasping your greasy hands to transfer your cream onto me is making me want to throw up.
Are you happy? Oh, you're taking my cream.
No, I'm not.
You're going to take the cream.
Oh, God! Stop it.
Stop it.
Okay, was that foreplay or is this over? * All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! You almost ready? You are not going to believe this.
Good Lord.
That came from one toe? I didn't think I'd get her clean.
I could harvest wheat with that thing.
I'm very proud.
We have to go.
All right.
So tell me Tell me why we're going out with the Woodcocks again.
They are taking us to dinner to thank us.
What for? For having them over for dinner.
And after they take us out to dinner to thank us, are we then required to take them out to dinner to thank them for the thank you dinner that they took us to? Don't you see? This is a vicious circle of thank you hell, and I want to get off the merry-go-round, lady.
Put on a shirt.
Okay.
No.
Eddie, the toilet is still running.
It is driving me insane.
Are you ever going to fix that thing? The problem isn't the toilet, the problem is you.
You flush wrong.
Okay.
I know how to flush a toilet.
I've been flushing toilets my entire life.
Yes, but not well.
A toast to our new neighbors who took us under their wing, had us for dinner when we didn't know anybody.
Thank you, guys.
Seriously.
Happy to do it.
So, we're all even-steven with the thank-yous, right? Nobody owes anybody anything.
We just get to all walk away clean.
Oh, the French sure like their old-fashioned ads, don't they? Are you folks ready to order? I would like to have the onion soup and then the mussels.
And, anybody, wine? I'm okay.
Bottle of merlot.
One glass.
Trout salad for me, please.
Ooh! I'll I'll go with the half a chicken, and I'm desperately hoping that pommes frites are French fries.
Aw.
I was going to get that.
So, what's the problem? I don't want to get the same thing as you.
Why not? Don't you think it'd be more fun if we all get different things? I think it'd be exactly the same amount of fun either way.
Just for variety, sometimes we like to, you know, taste each other's food.
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Mr.
Trout Salad? Sweetie, maybe you should just change your order.
No.
I have never seen anything like this in my life.
I want the half chicken.
Honey, I'm sure that there's half of another animal on this menu that appeals to you.
Just switch me to the steak, Rene.
And I will have If she doesn't order the chicken, I'm going to tip this table over.
I'll go with the chicken.
So, what are you two up to for the weekend? Well, tomorrow we're going hiking.
Nice.
You guys hike? Oh, God, no.
No, I find the silence of the woods a little terrifying.
We love it.
Jeff actually proposed to me on a hike.
Guilty as charged.
It was so romantic.
We were in Colorado and we hiked up this mountain to watch the sunrise, and when we got up there, there was already this incredible picnic waiting for us.
I hiked up in the middle of the night and I set it all up.
And then I noticed his face was kind of bloody.
My foot got caught on a root on the way down and I went face first into an old bridge.
Chipped the orbital bone around my eye, but it was all worth it.
Anyways, the sun came up, he told me he wanted to be with me forever, and then handed me half a cantaloupe.
That's her favorite melon.
And right there in the middle of it, in the, you know The part with the seeds.
There was this incredible diamond ring.
Wow.
It's beautiful.
Pardon me, ladies.
I'm going to go bomb downtown Paris.
How can you not think their story was romantic? Oh, come on.
Her ring is buried in some stringy melon crud, his eyeball's falling out.
It sounds like a horror movie.
And I suppose you think the way you proposed to me was better.
Absolutely.
On the way out of the movie Top Gun? Yes.
I was emotional and I asked you if you would ride into the danger zone with me.
And then your Datsun broke down and we literally had to push it through the danger zone during a police strike.
And you know what? When I saw you push that car, I knew you were the girl for me.
You got a lot of power in that lower body.
Yeah, well I thought that Steph's ring was really nice, and I seemed to recall, while we were rocking your Datsun out of a pothole, that you promised that you would buy me an engagement ring when you had more money, but you never did.
I see.
So, the problem is the little Woodcock girl has a ring and you don't.
Maybe.
Mmm-hmm.
And are you aware that illegal or "blood diamonds," as they're more commonly known, have funded civil wars throughout Africa and have played a part in the deaths of thousands of innocent people.
They're so sparkly.
Joy, we have been together forever, okay? Diamond rings are for young, stupid people.
And come on, do you really expect me to buy you an engagement ring? You're not like that.
You know what? Maybe I am like that.
Is that so crazy? You promised me one.
Okay, again, right after Top Gun.
I was emotional.
Goose was dead.
I don't think that it's so awful that I should be able to look down at my hand and see a symbol of our love.
Okay.
How about the symbol of our love is the fact that we're not divorced? And here we go with the slamming.
You know what? Never mind.
I don't know why after 20 years I should expect anything different.
You are a passionless, completely unromantic person.
Which was fine with you until the Woodcocks moved in next door.
Yeah, okay, fine.
Going out with them opened my eyes.
He actually fed her dessert.
Yeah, did you see the way she choked a little on that big spoon? It was fantastic.
Oh, and, of course, the toilet is still running.
I guess this is our life.
Hope you're happy.
I'd be a lot happier if you'd learn how to flush correctly.
I know how to flush a toilet.
No, you don't.
I really think it's wonderful that you're celebrating Joy this way.
Okay.
First of all, take two steps back, because I feel your hot breath on my neck.
Hey, how about that one there? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
You can't just pick out a ring that quickly.
Okay, Woodcock, listen, we are catty-corner to a Jody Maroni sausage stand and it just happens to be Andouille Tuesday.
So, we're going to make all of this go quick.
What can I do for you today? My friend here is looking to buy an engagement ring.
Great.
And how much are you looking to spend? Ten million dollars.
That's why I'm buying diamonds at a store next to a Lady Foot Locker.
Why don't you just put that one in a bag? Right there.
Well, I really wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't mention the four C's.
They stand for color, cut, clarity, and carat.
Hey, you know what, Woodcock? I think it's time for you to go up to level three and build a bear.
I am trying to help.
Well, why don't you tell me a little bit about the bride.
Is she a romantic type? Not really.
Is she funky? Sometimes after she jogs.
Actually, I meant is she free-spirited or more Look, look, look.
I'm just gonna level with you.
She's just really pissed off and I really want sausage, okay? So, look, I got $1,500 available on my Discover Card.
I'm going to close my eyes and you're going to make it happen.
Eddie, I really think That bear's not going to build itself! There's my sweet-ass baby.
Think fast.
Ow.
What is this? There it is.
The symbol of our love.
You bought me a ring? Yep.
And it wasn't cheap, so feel free to start taking off my pants at any time.
Check out the inscription.
If found, call 215-227-3898.
It's our phone number.
So, basically, it's a dog tag.
Okay.
What exactly is your problem? What's my problem? Yes.
What's my problem? That's the question on the table.
You want to know what my problem is? I don't know how to make that any clearer.
You're sitting there watching TV.
You throw this ring at me, you hit me pretty hard in the boob I lobbed it.
You winged it.
Oh, come on.
It was a gentle, festive toss, like I was pitching softball to a slow kid.
Look The point is, I'm a little shocked at your response here.
Really? Yes.
Joy, we've been married for 20 years, and after one very buttery, hard to digest French meal, all of a sudden you're demanding an engagement ring, which, quite frankly, is like slopping a new hood ornament on a car that I've been driving since high school.
So, first, I'm pushing your Datsun, now I am your Datsun.
Look, the point is, I sucked it up, I got you your stupid ring, and you're still yapping.
What you obviously don't understand is that it is not just about the ring, it is about the whole experience.
It's about the emotion, the romance.
Like that.
I want some of that.
What? The Woodcocks are dining by candlelight.
On a Tuesday? Oh, no, no.
Now they've gone too far.
Hey, buddy.
Okay, that's enough.
What are you doing? We get it.
You love each other.
Now stop shoving it down the world's throat.
We're having dinner in our house.
Well, at least have the decency to draw the drapes.
You're making me look bad with all the wine and the candles and What is this, veal? Yes.
Wow.
This is phenomenal.
What's on this? Simple butter herb rub.
Well, bravo, huh? Come on.
Come on.
You kids eat, too.
Look, I got to tell you, I'm sorry about all the yelling.
It's just that, you know, I was hungry.
All I had for lunch today was those three sausages and a half a chicken.
That's okay.
Got into a big fight with Joy, and, you know, she really didn't like the ring I got.
It didn't go over too well.
Someone should have listened to me about the emerald cut.
Well, it wasn't that, Woodcock.
She didn't like my presentation.
Well, how'd you give it to her? Well, I, sort of, you know, gently, threw it at her.
We've been married 20 years.
You can't walk across a room every time.
Can I say something? You make a nice veal.
Go ahead.
Well, I don't think it matters if you've been married Women want you to make a little bit of an effort.
I mean, for no reason, Jeff came home today and had built me the cutest bear.
All right, so you people are the experts on the creepy teddy bear love thing, I give myself over to you.
What can I do to make this right with Joy? Well, clearly you need to propose the right way.
Okay, so tell me how I should get engaged to my wife, who I've been married to since you were five? And don't say hiking, because I'm allergic to most grasses and barks.
Well, you could go for the classic.
A trail of rose petals leading up to your bedroom, and then when she gets there, she discovers you with like a thousand lit candles.
Hmm? Okay, that's a trip to two stores.
What else you got? There was this one thing I thought about doing for Steph before I came up with the hike idea.
What was that? Well, I was going to jump out of a small plane and then parachute down into this field where there would be a string quartet playing, and then I'd pull the ring out of my jumper.
Oh.
What? That sounds so great.
Why didn't you do that? Because hiking was our thing.
I thought it would be more us.
I know, the plane and the parachute.
It's so dramatic.
It's a great story to tell people.
And hiking is a great story, too.
I went up at 3:00 in the morning.
It was pretty scary.
I saw a baby wolf.
Yeah.
Can we just make the parachute thing our story from now on? I don't want to make that our story.
We have a great story.
Let's just try it and see how people respond.
No.
I think that's weird.
All right, this is awkward.
I got to go.
I'll bring back your plate.
Whoa.
Eddie? So, you found me.
Yeah.
What is all this? Well, I just wanted to welcome you home with some rose petals and candles and By the way, there's nothing on fire downstairs, is there? No.
It's like a Sting video.
Anyway, I did all this.
Wait, wait, wait.
You stay standing and I'll Ignore the awkward hole in my pajamas.
None of us needs to see what we're seeing right now.
I will look straight ahead.
Good.
Um, getting back to all this, this ring, Joy, is a symbol of our love, and though it is beautiful, it's not nearly as beautiful as you.
And if you'll have me, I would very much like for you to be my wife still.
And now if you can help me get up, I heard a very weird click in my knee.
There you go.
That was very sweet, honey.
Oh, the ring, the ring.
Yeah.
Yes.
Ready? Ha ha! Huh? Come here.
Thank you.
I love it.
Sure.
Great.
So, you happy? Huh? You got your diamond.
You can go out now and flash it around like a fancy married lady.
It's great.
Oh, Lord.
I'm sorry.
That didn't come out right.
I love it.
It's very sweet.
What's wrong? I don't know.
I mean, I know that you're trying so hard to get this right with everything and It's just that the Woodcocks can have a candlelight dinner on a Tuesday and it doesn't feel forced at all, and it's just not that easy for us to get this stuff going anymore.
It feels kind of fake.
Thoughts? Ooh, well, there's a lot of stuff flying around right now, um, punching, smothering A running kick, maybe.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
I thought that this ring would be, you know, like a thing for us, a symbol of our love.
But I guess that part of our life is just over.
That's what I've been telling you.
I know, and I guess you were right.
It's so quiet.
The toilet's not running anymore.
Oh, yeah.
On the way home from the mall, I stopped at the hardware store and picked up a flapper.
After all this, it ended up only costing a couple of dollars to fix the whole thing.
I can't believe you did that.
You didn't even say anything.
Oh, I don't like to showboat.
You fixed the toilet.
I fixed the toilet.
Could you say that in that low, deep, sexy voice again? I fixed the toilet.
And then I look up, and guess who's floating down on a parachute like an angel? It was me.
And then right when he hit the ground, he Tell them, honey.
I cued the string quartet with a flare gun.
And then he reached into his jumper, and pulled out this.
Isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard? Honey, can we go back to our table, now? Yeah.
Great to meet you guys.