'Til Death s01e07 Episode Script

When was the last time I got a phone call? Fine, let the machine get it.
Hi, Eddie and Joy.
It's Linda.
We just wanted to wish you a happy anniversary, two days late.
So sorry we missed it.
Hope you guys had a great day.
Bye! Huh.
Yep.
We missed her.
What were we doing two days ago? Uh, I think that's the day you started on your anti-fungal cream.
Happy anniversary.
You're my sweet-ass girl.
* All Right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! So I pulled a bunch of brochures for you guys at work, but I think that this is the hotel that's gonna work best for you.
It's the lodge at Mount Pocono.
Oh, this is so cute.
Look, horse trails.
Oh! Apple picking.
Ooh, apple picking.
Now there's hell on earth.
Eddie is very opposed to apple picking.
Well, it's just everyone always wants me to get the high apples.
It's relentless.
I'm a man, not a giraffe.
Anyway, they've just redone it, so the rates are very low this weekend.
They're trying to get customers back.
Oh, it looks nice.
It's within walking distance of town.
Hey, there's a fudge factory! So, you guys going for any reason, or just Just trying to make some memories, you know? No.
No, I don't know.
No, Eddie doesn't like to travel, and, of course, I'm a travel agent.
Which is just another reason why I have a very bad chardonnay problem.
I am very willing to travel.
You know where I want to go.
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry.
I stand corrected.
Eddie's dream My dream is to go to the arctic wilderness of Alaska.
Vast, frozen tundra of snowy nothingness.
The only sound you hear is the howling wind and your own heartbeat.
Good times.
Oh, that's too bad.
I mean, I was going to say since it's such a great deal you guys should join us this weekend.
Yeah, that is too bad.
You sure? We love doubles tennis.
Oh, I'm now so sure that I'm willing to take out an ad saying so.
Why don't you ever want to go away on a romantic weekend with me? Would it be so bad if we went away together one time? Might be.
Look, we could do the apple thing here.
I'll go to the market, I'll pick some up and I'll hide 'em around the house.
It's not an apple hunt, it's apple You know what? Never mind.
All right, so You really want to do this? Yes.
I really, really want to do this.
Come on.
How about this? Listen, it can count as my anniversary and my birthday gift.
And we could stop by the Rochester Big & Tall outlet on the way.
Great prices, without the uncomfortable stares.
I'm gonna go get my sizes.
Look at you guys.
Up in the mountains, having fun.
Fun, yeah.
I had to tip four different people to get out of the lobby.
Just want to get up to my room and stop the bleeding.
Stop.
What? Stop! What? What? Stop poking me.
Why? Does this bother you? Huh? Huh? Does this bother you, huh? Does this tickle my little pooky-bear? Does it? Hmm? Please, God, let me hear a ding.
Ding! Ding, damn it! Will you look at this room? We have our own faux log fireplace.
Check it out.
Where's my big soap? Tell me you packed my big soap.
Eddie, they have soap here.
I don't like the little soaps.
I always lose 'em somewhere on my body.
Plus, it always takes me three hours to unwrap it, and then the next morning somehow they're wrapped again.
I don't have that kind of time.
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
Pass me the remote.
Go ahead.
What's happening? Do you know how many people have touched this? You hold a microscope up to this thing, you'd never stop screaming.
* Oh, yeah Ew! What's up? You okay? What? Yeah, I'm fine.
What was "ew"? I Nothing.
I just had a weird dream.
Oh, look at all these activities they've got.
I'm dying to try judo by the old mill.
Hey, baby, what was your dream, huh? Don't worry about it.
No, come on.
What kind of freaky-deaky fantasies are swimming around my little love kitten's subconscious mind, huh? I had kind of a sex dream about Eddie, okay? Wow.
I wasn't expecting that.
* Hey * Ooh * All right! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! And a little of that cheddar.
Perfect.
Thanks.
I don't understand how you can do this.
Do what? Just stand there, and casually design your own breakfast scramble after what you told me in the room.
It was just a dream.
And you forced it out of me.
Are you really gonna eat I don't know what's goin' on down there.
I'm very worked up right now.
Listen, Steph, do me a favor.
Tell me everything you remember about the dream so I can stop picturing some pretty sick stuff in my head.
Will that really help you? Yeah.
Fine.
Well, I was in this field, and I was churning butter Okay, all right.
We're gonna need to sell the house 'cause I can't live next door to this guy.
You told me to tell you.
Yeah.
I feel nauseous.
I am so sorry this whole thing came up.
It was just a dream.
It didn't mean anything.
My head probably got all jumbled up because I ran into him at the ice machine late last night.
Well, I guess he made quite an impression on you.
He didn't, I swear.
He was wearing these old pajamas, and he would only touch the ice tongs after he put a baggie over his hand.
Honey, come on.
I don't want this to ruin our weekend.
Hello, Woodcocks.
Oh, a little jumpy this morning, are we? Where's Joy? She went off on an all-day bird-watching expedition.
I guess she really wanted to get away from me, 'cause birds sort of freak her out.
Mind if I join you? Everything okay? Hey, you got a little jam Keep your hands off my wife! Easy, Woodcock.
I always make it my policy to say something in these situations.
When I was a boy, I watched my father try to take out a home loan with pizza sauce on his face.
Needless to say, loan denied.
Excuse me.
I gotta go.
Let me guess, she's mad because you stole her sweater? This is my sweater.
All right? A man can wear a duck sweater.
Okay.
But it just seems like something's going on, because that vein on your forehead is bluer than usual.
This isn't about me, Eddie.
This is about you.
You! You lurking around the ice machine late at night with your PJ's and your hand-baggies.
You know, if only I had gone to get the ice none of this would have happened.
What are you talkin' about? Steph had a sex dream about you last night! Really? Okay, yeah.
Just push the fork right into me.
Right here.
Right in the center, Eddie! Well, well, well.
Details, Woodcock.
I don't know details.
All right? Well, was I a tender lover? Was I giving? Did I have some kind of goatee or facial hair? You're goin' right up against the line, Eddie, and you don't want to go there, okay? You don't want to mess with this.
What? Your duck? First of all, this is a mallard.
Okay? And that is your last warning, because I will take you out to that orchard and beat your ass in front of all those apples, all right? All right.
Lighten up, Woodcock.
Erotic dreams about people other than your spouse are a natural thing.
Doesn't mean anything.
And that being said, if your lovely wife didn't get her fill of me, I will be returning to the ice machine for a command performance around midnight.
Hello.
* Oh, yeah * Yeah! * Oh, oh, oh! * Your teacher * The subject * Of schoolgirl fantasy * She wants you so badly * Of schoolgirl fantasy Hello? There she is.
How was bird watching? Pretty awful.
An angry woodpecker attacked me for my trail mix.
Fantastic.
What's with you? Oh, just gettin' dressed for dinner.
Went down to the hotel store, and got some dressy Tommy Bahamas.
And a crystal owl for my bird lady "whoo" I love.
Thank you.
What is going on with you? What? Not allowed to have a nice time? I'm away in the mountains with my beautiful wife.
Eddie, when I left you this morning, you were shuffling across the bathroom floor on two hand towels so your bare feet wouldn't touch tile.
Well, things can change.
I don't know if it's the glow of our fake fireplace, or the taste of the free mouthwash that still lingers on my lips, but I gotta tell you, I'm feelin' the romance here.
Mmm-hmm.
Where do you want to go for dinner? You want to go to the Jazz Loft, or "Reflections, a place for dining"? I'm gonna go with Reflections.
I saw the picture of the steak in the elevator, and it looks delicious.
But, hey, let's not race down, because I'm gonna make you a tiny liqueur out of our mini bar.
Wait, wait, wait.
You said that the mini bar was off-limits.
You called it "Satan's cooler of rip-offs".
Well, I've changed my policy.
Just relax, and I want you to pretend that I'm a tiny Tom Cruise who's gonna make you a tiny drink in the tiny version of the movie Cocktail.
Hello.
We would like a nice little cozy table for two.
Sure.
Follow me.
Darlin', I'm gonna visit the little boy's room.
The rent's come due on those mini vodkas.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Steph? Oh, hey.
Where's Jeff? Oh, he didn't really want to come down for dinner so I'm just havin' a drink, eatin' some pretzel nubs.
A group of Japanese businessmen just offered me $500 to do some pretty dark stuff.
Anyway Joy, I want to tell you I am really, really sorry about that dream I had about Eddie.
What dream? Eddie didn't tell you I had a sex dream about him? No.
I guess I assumed he'd tell you.
Awkward.
Hmm.
Wow.
That explains a lot.
But I want you to know I mean, the dream meant nothing.
It was really, really silly.
I was churning butter Okay, you know what? That's plenty.
Thank you.
Oh! I should head back up.
Jeff was crying pretty hard when I came down here.
What are you doing? I'm tickling.
Ow! Pain.
Pain.
What was that for? I just ran into Steph.
She told me about her little dream.
Dream? Oh, oh.
I forgot about that.
She is one kooky kid, huh? Okay, Eddie, you did not forget about it.
It's making you act like a completely different person.
Oh, that's crazy.
How am I acting different? Well, for starters, we just drank $50 worth of hotel liquor and we had sex with the TV off.
We've done that.
And look at you, with the new pants and the hair product.
You're gorgeous.
What? I've never looked nice before? Not really, no.
Okay, so what I'm hearing is we had a drink, we made love, and I look fantastic.
Exactly what is the problem? The problem is it wasn't because of me, it's because of her.
I had to drag you up here kicking and screaming, and Steph has one stupid little dream about you and suddenly you're Don Juan de Poconos.
Okay, well, another woman being attracted to me made me feel good about myself.
I mean, it's not a crime.
You know I love you.
Yeah, but I'm attracted to you.
I want to make you feel that way.
Well, you do.
But after 20 years it's nice to get a second opinion.
A second opinion? You mean like a doctor? Yes, like a doctor.
And the good news is you and Steph came to the same diagnosis.
I got a bad case of sexy.
You know what? I'm going back to the room.
No, whoa, whoa, wait.
But I didn't do anything wrong here.
I'm just trying to have a nice, romantic weekend.
Now, if you want to ruin it 'cause you can't deal with the fact that another woman digs me Please.
What? What? It's not possible that someone else finds me attractive? Are you that out of touch? You don't see what is going on around us? Women want me, Joy.
They conjure me in the night.
I am the dream weaver.
See? Isn't this better than sulking up in the room? Hey, tomorrow I thought maybe we could walk into town and check out that fudge factory.
I don't know, Steph.
I'm still really freaked out about your dream about Eddie.
I think maybe it's best if I checked out H.
Fudge and Company alone.
Is there anything I can do to convince you to let this go? I just don't get it.
I mean, we've only been married a few months and you're already dreaming about other guys? What is that? Am I doing somethin' wrong? Obviously.
You're not doing anything wrong.
It was one stupid dream.
It meant nothing.
I'm not in the least bit attracted to him.
He's just our weird, old, hairy neighbor.
So you're really not attracted to him? No! I am so, so, so, so, so not attracted to him.
He reminds me of Chewbacca.
He does kinda look like Chewbacca.
I know! Kinda sounds like him, too.
He does! Don't even get me started on his personality.
You're okay.
You're okay.
Honey, please believe me.
I mean, the dream meant nothing.
I just love you and just want to be with you.
I just want to be with you.
Look, I don't want you to ever be with anyone else.
So, we good? Yeah, we're good.
For your information, Chewbacca was a hero.
I'm sorry.
What? You were right.
I heard Steph and Jeff talking, and the dream meant nothing.
She thinks I'm disgusting.
She called me Chewbacca.
You are not disgusting.
I feel so stupid.
I was walking around like I was a hot piece of man-meat.
I'm sorry I ruined this whole thing.
No.
I'm sorry, too.
I was thinking that I overreacted.
I mean, so what if Steph's dream made you feel good? You know, it's like when I want you to do that voice during sex Oh.
that sounds like the pizza delivery guy? The voice I do is the pizza guy? Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Mario.
You didn't know that? No.
I just thought I was doing Italian Eddie.
Let's just Let's get off this.
Okay? The point is I don't care what Steph thinks.
You are a hot piece of man-meat.
Is Mario hotter? He's different.
Different, how? Hotter.
But I love you.
I love you, too.
You don't think I look like Chewbacca, do you? Which one is Chewbacca again? Well, he's the really tall and hairy creature who kinda sounds like No.
I'll get it! I got it.
I'll get it.
Jeez.
Hey.
How you doin'? It's $12.
50.
Are you Mario? Yeah.
Is this your little boyfriend Mario? Uh, that's $12.
50.
Why don't you spin around and show me what you got goin' on back there? I got a couple more deliveries Spin around and I'll pay you your money.
I don't know.
I think you can do better.