'Til Death s01e08 Episode Script

Death Sex

* All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Okay.
So, here's the deal.
My lecture on the Louisiana Purchase has ironically been postponed due to my purchase of a two pound breakfast burrito which is not gonna eat itself.
So, feel free to read quietly, doodle, flirt with your neighbor, whatever you want, just don't set anything on fire.
Bacon down, nobody move.
My back! Josh.
Reach into my breast pocket and get my Bengay.
Okay, we're all done.
How you doing? Well, you know, Neil, I've heard a lot of bad stuff about these MRI tubes, but I gotta tell you, very pleasant.
Some people think it's a little claustrophobic.
More like claustro-tastic.
How much for another hour in this thing? So, where exactly on your back was the pain? Well, I could show you.
It's right here on my On my right side, is where it is.
And I sometimes get a little tingling in my leg if I read too long on the can.
Just wanted you to know everything.
So just the right side, then? Yeah.
But you did an MRI on both sides, right? Mmm-hmm.
'Cause when you asked if the pain was only on the right side, it kind of sounded like you found something on the left side.
Did you find something on the left side? Oh, sir, I'm just a technician.
I'm not really allowed to interpret the film, but your doctor will be calling you with the results.
All right.
But I'm gonna be okay, right? I'm sorry, I'm just not allowed to say.
It's a legal thing.
Oh, legal? All right, look, take it easy, chief.
Nobody's suing anybody here, all right? Just a couple of guys hanging in the tube room, huh? So, how are you? I'm fine.
Glad to hear it.
And how am I? Sir, it would be malpractice if I said anything.
All right.
Well, don't say anything.
Just give me a wink.
Give me a wink if I'm okay.
You know One of those.
Like you met me at a bar and you liked what you saw.
Yeah, like I said, you're gonna have to talk to your doctor.
Yeah, I know like what you said.
All right.
You know, I'm gonna level with you, Neil.
Okay, based on this conversation, I'm completely convinced that, best case scenario, I'm losing half my back.
So I'm just gonna ask you, please, man to man, tell me what the hell's going on.
Your doctor I hate you, Neil! Hate you.
Well, it's official.
I'm dying.
You are not dying.
All the guy said was he was not allowed to discuss the results with you.
That's a load of crap.
That's the medical equivalent to "I'm just a cashier, I don't have keys to the safe.
" Hey, on your way up to heaven, if that is where you're headed, please send down Uncle Ben's Country Inn Rice Pilaf to see me.
Yeah, yeah, great.
Laugh it up.
But you're not gonna be laughing when I'm gone and you're having this conversation with a ladder.
Eddie, you're fine.
You are totally overreacting to this like you always do.
You don't know me.
The point is, it is all in your head.
Hey, you weren't in that tube room.
You didn't see the look in that guy's eyes.
He looked at me the same way we used to look at Nana.
Eddie, you're a very healthy person.
I mean, look at all the new places you've sprouted hair.
That's got to be a good sign.
Where you going? I'm going to get the mail.
If you live long enough to see water boil, dump in the rice.
Oh, great, I got a week to live and you got to go get your In Touch magazine.
Now you can sleep easy knowing that Britney bought a car seat.
Hey, you two.
All right, heads up, here come the wonder twins.
Hey, guys.
Hey, how was your appointment? Well, you want the nice, pretty answer that's gonna leave you feeling all safe and warm inside or you wanna know the truth? I just kind of wanted to know My body is a ticking time bomb! You kids are smart to run.
If only I had run.
Maybe then I Wouldn't have a mysterious fictional disease eating you up inside? Denial.
Interesting way to play it.
Hey, you okay over there? I'm sorry.
This is just like Mr.
Pajamas? Steph's childhood cat.
It passed away a few months ago and it's still pretty fresh.
He was only 21.
I know I seem a little crazy, but he was a really great cat.
Wasn't he, sweetie? Oh, yeah.
He was pretty great.
Pretty great.
I might have missed his prime, though, 'cause he was completely deaf and blind when I met him.
But he still managed to bite me pretty hard a few times.
Mostly when I was changing his diapers.
But, hey, what a spirit, huh? He'll be missed.
Listen to me, Eddie.
We never gave up on Mr.
We flew to Canada to see a specialist and thanks to aggressive gene therapy, he got to see one more Christmas.
Well, not see, but smell.
My point is, hang in there, big man.
Honest human emotion.
How refreshing.
I don't want to concern you, but I just found a hair that could not have come from either one of us.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I know that move.
What, are you on one of those adult websites? Huh? What? No.
Come on, let me see.
I'm very liberal.
Come on.
Let me see.
Didn't clear your history.
Rookie mistake.
Eddie, don't.
You Googled "Back plus cancer"? Did I? Let me see that.
What's to see? You did it.
Well, I don't think I did.
No, you did.
You think I have cancer? No.
No, I don't think that you have cancer.
I just think that you might have back cancer.
Oh, my God! But you said I was fine.
Well, you're probably fine.
Probably? Definitely.
You're definitely fine.
No, no, no.
You said probably.
Google "probably.
" "Definitely" doesn't come up.
I'm sorry.
As much as I joke about what I would do if you went first, I don't want you to go first.
Well, I don't want me to go first, either.
Or you.
I love you.
I don't ever want to lose you.
Well, I don't want to be lost.
* Hold tight, sweetie pie How long you been watching me? Just a few minutes.
You do this every morning? Well, I guess I should get to school.
It's Tater Tot day.
Could be my last.
Why don't you skip homeroom today? Skip homeroom? But I'll miss the Pledge.
I think I might have a better idea of how we can celebrate this great nation.
Oh, I like where your head is at.
Just let me pee first.
Okay, I know the drill.
Oh, Dr.
Wolfsburg, hi.
Oh, God.
That's great news.
Okay, terrific.
So it's just an inflamed disk? Uh-huh.
All right, so ice it, then heat it.
Okay, 'cause that seems like a wash.
I know you're busy.
This is fantastic.
Thank you.
Love you.
Joy! What do you say we move this party into the shower? I just Shower? It's not my birthday.
I know, but I just thought that, you know, with everything that you're going through, you should get everything that you want.
I should.
Who was on the phone? Oh, it was a group trying to raise money to send blind bald eagles back into the wild.
That's not gonna work.
Let's get to that shower.
* Oh, baby, oh Okay, we're just gonna give them the food, but don't bring up Mr.
Pajamas, okay? Why not? Eddie is a human being who's sick and he might find it a little insulting if you keep comparing him to a stray animal that you found sleeping in a tire.
What are you doing here so early? I'm still in my pajamas.
Keep it together, honey.
Please enjoy these stuffed shells.
Come in.
Hey, I'm sorry about Steph.
I know that's the last thing you need right now.
Not a problem.
Joy's already gone.
If I hit these shells hard, she'll never know they existed.
It's great to see you stay positive, Eddie.
Because as much as traditional medicine will help, it means nothing unless you make the decision from within to beat this.
I'm not dying.
I mean, I don't have a disease.
You tell 'em, Eddie.
You hear that? Huh? Okay, hey, hey.
Eyes up here, Woodcock.
The doctor called this morning and he said that I'm gonna be fine.
That's great! Wow, you gotta be thrilled, huh? Oh, yeah.
Feels like I won the lottery.
Joy's gotta be relieved.
She will be.
She will be.
You haven't told her yet? No.
I mean, I will.
Look, I mean, she's my wife.
I'm gonna tell her, but Why haven't you told her? All right, look.
Here's the thing.
Ever since I've been dying, the activities in the bedroom have been crazy freaky.
You're having better sex because Joy thinks you're dying? I have stepped into something great here.
Now that she thinks that the circus is leaving town, she can't stay out of the big top.
Well, isn't that great? Bravo to you.
Aren't you just the big winner here? All right, what's up your skirt, Woodcock? Why are you begrudging me my sexual renaissance? I'm gonna tell you why, Eddie.
Because despite his adorable name, Mr.
Pajamas was the meanest son-of-a-bitch cat in all of history.
He finally dies and we have a Greek Orthodox funeral for him.
And then two months of mourning with no sex, because how could I think about that with Mr.
P gone? And then finally, finally the memory starts to fade, I'm gonna get my wife back.
Until boom, you're dying, and then I'm spending my nights watching a video that she likes to call Mr.
Pajamas' Greatest Hits, which is basically five hours of a cat chasing a laser pointer.
So you can understand why the fact that you made the whole thing up makes me want to rip the heart right out of your body! I'll be waiting in the car.
I'm home, dear.
In here.
I got some new shower gel.
Be prepared to smell like "Lemon zest.
Now with grease cutter"? Crap.
I bought dishwashing liquid.
That's okay, sweetie.
I thought that we would have a nice dinner and, you know, look at these old photo albums and just hang out and talk.
Talk? But I got this fancy dish soap.
Come here.
Sit down.
Look at this one.
Remember, just after Allison was born, we took her to the Bucks County fair? Yep.
I'm holding a bratwurst, a big pickle, and my baby girl.
What, were your arms broken? You're not even helping.
I'm right there, holding my bucket of beer.
Check that out.
What, are we holding hands? Yeah.
That's weird.
* Whoa, whoa, whoa * Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo All right, so let me get this straight.
You didn't even have sex? I thought that was the whole point.
Last night we didn't even have to.
We started connecting on a whole different level.
We were actually talking.
I don't know how often you've spoken to Joy, but she is fascinating.
And it turns out, being faced with your own mortality isn't just good for sex, but it makes everything better.
You're not actually dying! You have a slipped disk.
Your doctor prescribed Tylenol and a heating pad.
But I never felt so alive since I've been fake dying.
And it's just not with Joy.
I'm appreciating life more.
This morning I spent an entire hour savoring an English muffin.
I don't know what's better, the nooks or the crannies.
And when I went to get my paper, I saw a little bunny rabbit on my lawn.
He was just sitting there, not doing anything in particular, just enjoying the day.
I learned a lot from that bunny.
Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're not just gonna learn about history, we're going to live it! And in order to do that, I need a Lewis and a Clark and a Sacajawea! * Whoa, whoa, whoa, here we go * More sangria? Si, por favor.
Oh, do you remember the last time we laid out like this, just sitting, staring up at the stars? Cape Cod.
We rented that beach house and ate clam chowder three times a day.
Yeah, that's how we found out that I was allergic to shellfish and my neck blew up like a giant balloon.
I wanna go back there.
Put that on the to-do list.
Go back to the Cape.
All right.
So, what do we got so far? Well, we have, "The Cape.
"Climb K2, "do one of those karate moves "where you break a board with your head, "and swim in the nude.
" Not with other guys.
You know, these last two days have been so hard, but in sort of a weird way, they've been kind of great.
We should really call Allison up at school and let her know what's going on.
What do you mean? What's going on? With you.
Oh! Yeah.
You know what, college is supposed to be the most exciting time of her life, and she's probably drunk as hell right now, and, you know, I don't want to call her and kill the buzz.
I really think we should call her tomorrow.
You know, I don't know.
I just don't think we should because I may not be sick.
I'm not sick.
What's that? Yep, the doctor called yesterday and it's just an inflamed disk.
Whoa, is that a load off, huh? Freshen up your drink, darling? Yesterday? The doctor called yesterday? Yeah.
Right before our shower.
You let me think that you were dying so we could party with a detachable shower head? Yeah.
Well, it just wasn't that, but I do have to admit, when you put that thing on pulse, boy, it took me right back to the 70s.
Eddie! Okay, it was sick, but it became so much more than sex.
And what's happening right here is so much deeper.
And here's the best part, we don't have to think I'm dying to have all of this.
It's like the Dumbo story.
Remember, Dumbo thought that he needed that feather to fly, but it turned out that he could fly without the feather.
See, that's you and me.
We're Dumbo.
You're looking at me like you've never seen Dumbo.
You're actually sitting there talking about a flying elephant? You lied to me.
You told me you were dying of a terminal illness.
All right, look.
You know, since we're pointing fingers here, I'm a little offended that you're not happier that I'm okay.
I mean, I made it.
I beat this thing.
I'm gonna live.
Not necessarily.
Well All right, look.
Joy, let me Let me put this differently.
Have you seen Pinocchio? Do you know what I have been doing for the past two days? Do you? I have been blaming myself for everything, from forcing us to buy a house too close to power lines to letting you eat that crusty black stuff off the grill.
Is our life so bad together that you had to pretend you were dying to make it better? It's not that it's so bad.
I just thought I could spice it up.
You know, like how people wear wigs or role-play.
"Oh, my, Colonel Beauregard.
"It's so hot out on the veranda.
"I have some sweet tea up in my boudoir.
" Like that.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that you're a lying freak or that you think any part of what you just said just now was sexy.
I can't believe I fell for this.
I watched Ultimate Fighting with you.
I massaged your feet.
I I touched your feet.
Well, you know, say what you want, and even though this may have come from the wrong place, you have to admit that the last couple of days have been pretty magical.
Yeah? How do you think the next couple of days are gonna be, huh? Unmagical? Oh, you have no idea! Yeah, well, you know what, you don't scare me, lady, because I stared death right in the face and I won! I'm so very sorry.
* Yeah! * Yeah, yeah, whee, whoo, whoo * Joy told you I was going to live? Yes, and liars don't get my shells.
Well, nobody liked Mr.
Bojangles but you.
It's Pajamas.
And there were 48 people at his funeral.
* Ah, hey
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