'Til Death s01e09 Episode Script

The Toaster

* Yeah, hey * Hoo, hoo * Ooh You want some ice cream? Hmm? No, thanks.
I thought you said you didn't want any.
This is all I'm having.
I'm fine.
You wanna maybe crush some Oreos on that? Do you want me to crush some Oreos on it? Me? No, I was No.
I was just thinking that it would make it more delicious for you.
I'm getting you your own bowl.
No, I don't want my own bowl.
I'm on a diet.
Okay, but you do realize that when you're eating ice cream, even though it's out of my bowl, that you're still putting calories in your mouth which are going to come to rest on your rear end.
You should really be a life coach.
I'm just trying to put an end to this one-bowl-of-ice-cream dance that we've been doing for 20 years.
Yeah, all right, Eddie.
It's a dance.
Okay? I don't get my own bowl of ice cream.
I take some of yours.
I don't lose the weight, but I get to feel good about myself anyway.
Is that so wrong? You know what? You're right.
I'm sorry.
Tell you what.
I've got a good idea.
Why don't I go get myself another bowl of ice cream? Then I'll hand it to you, and then I'll finish my first bowl, and then it will look like I've had two and you've had none.
Thank you.
* All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! * Yop, dop, dee-bop Yop, dop, dee-bop * Ow! What do you got going on there? A fruit bowl? Yeah.
Well, I'll look forward to throwing that out in four days.
Why'd you unplug the toaster? Well, look, it says here, "Thanks for helping the environment by using paper bags.
"Other tip: Save electricity "by unplugging unused appliances.
" Uh-huh.
What are you doing? Hey, if you think I'm plugging this thing in every time I want a piece of toast, you're out of your mind.
It takes like two seconds! Yeah, and that's two seconds more than I have, lady, okay? Go with me on this one.
I'm just trying to save a little electricity.
Joy, the toaster is off.
Nothing's happening.
You're not gonna save electricity by unplugging it.
Yeah? The bag says it does.
Oh! The grocery bag says it.
Well, then it must be true.
Because the bag people broke Watergate, and now it's this, so Just think about it, okay? If the toaster is plugged in, it could be doing something.
It could be sucking juice from the outlet.
Juice? Wow.
Let me show you something, darling.
Come here.
Let me show you something about electricity and how it works.
Electricity, it's like a river.
Okay? It goes down here over to the toaster.
This is where you have the electrical current.
And these are amps.
Why don't I just talk directly to your ass, because that's where you're pulling this information from.
I wouldn't go down there right now.
All I'm trying to do is to get you to stop saying "juice" so you don't embarrass the hell out of yourself.
I am not going to be embarrassed because I am right.
You mean like you were right when you thought that there was a real animal called a "rascal"? I knew you were going to bring up the rascal.
What did you think it was again? A cross between a badger and a raccoon? I don't know.
I had a very bad Scout leader.
And when did you become environment girl, huh? You think you're gonna save the planet by unplugging stuff? I'm gonna tell you the same thing I tell my students, one person cannot make a difference.
You know what? You know what? I just want you to entertain the notion for one second that you might be wrong about this.
One, one thousand No.
Hey! Listen, this is absurd! Unplugging our toaster is gonna save electricity.
I have got information to back me up.
You've got a brown bag with a dancing cow on it.
And until you have something better, I am unplugging this thing.
And I'm plugging it back in.
Hey! You touch this, and you die.
I'm touching it! * Hey, hey, * What you pulling? What you pulling? * All right Hey, Eddie.
Hey, Woodcock.
Have you seen that little weird science teacher around? You mean Tom Franklin? Tom Franklin? Oh, this is awkward.
I think I just ate his lunch.
I haven't seen him.
What do you need him for? Well, Joy and I got into this argument, and I need him to confirm a science-related question for me.
I was hoping I could talk to him now so I can call Joy at work, tell her how right I was, and maybe ruin her lunch.
Okay, well, this might be a silly question, but why do you care so much about being right? Why do I care about being right? Because it's fantastic.
I've never felt more alive in my life than when I'm showing the woman I love how wrong she is.
You tell me I'm right, I could I could throw a van over a building.
You know, Eddie, one day, me and Steph, we're gonna have kids.
And I'm gonna ask you to stay away from them.
Well, that's too bad 'cause I'm like a 6'8" Mary Poppins.
Oh, this is probably against my better judgment, but I'm throwing a surprise birthday party for Steph on Saturday night, and I wanted to invite you.
Oh, a surprise party? What? Well, it's just, you know, surprise parties are inherently hostile.
You know? You gotta pretend you forgot their birthday, and that just makes the victim upset, and And the conversation at the surprise parties are brutal.
"Hey, hey, hey! Well, gosh, were you surprised?" "Yeah, I was surprised.
I hate half the people here.
" I mean, it just doesn't make any sense.
You're gonna come? Yeah, why not? We got nothing else going on.
Hey! There's the guy! Tom Franklin.
Tom Franklin! How are you? Eddie Stark.
We, for some reason, don't make eye-contact at the faculty events.
But, how ya doing? Ah, yeah.
It's good.
Yeah, I'm still living over in Manayunk.
Oh, you're still there? Yeah.
Good for you.
Yeah, I got my bachelor pad over there.
I still haven't found the one yet, but I'm out there dating.
I'm not shutting myself off to any possibilities.
Yeah, that sounds smart.
Hey, what You know, it's a nice life.
I bike to work.
And I don't have a ton of friends, but the two I have Really close.
Good for you.
You know, I have an easy science question for you, Todd Tom.
In your opinion, if a toaster is plugged in but it's not turned on, is it using electricity? Well, no.
If a toaster's off, it's not using any electricity.
Even if it's plugged in? Yes.
I knew it! Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Turns out I am wide open after work.
You wanna be my wing man over at Fuddruckers tonight? You know, I can't, because I gotta go You know what would be fun? Why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight? Oh, that would be delightful.
This is great, Joy.
Thank you.
And thank you, Tom, for bringing over the homemade ketchup.
So, Eddie just invited you over, huh? I did.
Hey, Tom, hit me with a little more of that red thunder.
So Eddie tells me that you might have some single women to set me up with.
I don't know how much he's told you about me.
Not a lot.
No, not a lot.
Well, I'm a bit of a weatherist.
Any time you come to my apartment, The Weather Channel will be on.
Yeah, you know, Tom is a science teacher.
Did I not mention that? And he knows a lot about electricity.
Oh, my God! Funny thing, the other day we were chatting, and we just started talking about toasters, I don't remember how it came up, and then the conversation turned to whether or not a toaster, when not on, uses electricity.
And what did you say, Tom? I said, no.
No electricity was being used.
Kiss your mama at the bus stop 'cause I'm taking you to school! Could I see you in the kitchen for just a second, please? Absolutely.
Excuse us, will you? Fabulous.
This is why you bring ketchup man into our house? I cannot believe you.
Well, you know what? It doesn't matter anymore.
Because the argument is over, and I'm right.
Oh! Mmm! Wow.
That feels good.
Hey! You guys up for a gelato run? Not only am I up for it, but I'm buying, superstar! Is this the toaster you were telling me about? That's her.
Yeah, that's a pretty new one.
This one would actually use electricity even when it's off.
No, I don't think so.
One more time, if you will, please? Yes, these have little microchips and timers in them, so they're using a bit of power all the time.
I guess I assumed you had an old one.
Hmm! Okay, so I guess we'll agree to disagree.
No, no, no, no.
Don't think that we will.
I think, actually, you should phone your mama, and have her come pick you up early, 'cause it's looking like a snow day! Oh, yeah.
That does feel good.
Okay, who can tell me what prompted America to get involved in World War I? Kenny Weinberg.
We get it.
You know everything.
Put your hand down.
Anyone? Anybody? Wayne, you wanna come out from behind the hair and tell us what you got? Wasn't it, like, the assassination of that duke? Oh, you're referring to the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand? Yeah, that guy.
Good answer.
Good answer.
If the question was about Europe, but the question was what got America to join the war? And the answer is the sinking of the Lusitania, and you were wrong.
Oh, that's gotta hurt! I'm sorry, but you didn't really assign us that chapter yet.
Well, that might be true, but the fact still remains that you were very wrong, and I knew the answer, so I was very right! Would you get a whiff of that? It's the sweet smell of learning.
I just came by to give you an update on Steph's surprise party.
Oh, goody.
It's gonna be at Cantina Mexicana.
We're gonna get there at 8:00, so make sure you're there by 7:30, so Steph doesn't see you walking in.
Oh, and when you get there, make sure you pick up a kazoo, 'cause we're all gonna yell surprise and then play Happy Birthday together.
Yeah, you're painting quite a night, Woodcock.
Hey, there, buddy! Wanna check out the air show this weekend? Ah, wish I could, but you know, Joy has me on a short leash.
Okay, your loss, my mom's gain.
Oh, God, is my life a nightmare.
I got this guy who wants to be my new girlfriend, my wife keeps talking about how right she was, and now I got your surprise party Listen, Eddie, if you don't wanna come to the party, you don't have to come.
Look, I'm going to your party.
I just spent $12 on a present.
Trust me.
I'm gonna get some tacos out of it.
Just have to figure out how to deal with Joy.
Well, Eddie, how about this? Let it go.
How French of you, Woodcock.
But that's not how it's gonna go down.
The only way I can get my life back is if I catch Joy being wrong about something.
She can't be right forever.
And when she slips up, I'm gonna be there.
Can you believe Jeff flew Steph's sisters in for the party? Steph told me that they have a made-up language that they speak to each other.
I'll try not to crack the code.
Make a right at the next light.
Did you say, "right"? Yeah, on Spruce.
So you think the restaurant is to the right? I know it is.
Then I assume you won't mind me going on record on our answer machine that you think Cantina Mexicana is to the right on Spruce Street? Are you sure you wanna go there? Oh, oh, oh, I'm going there in a freaking limo.
Yes, it is Saturday night at approximately And we are headed south on 42nd Street.
I'm here with Joy Stark who is officially going on record that she thinks Cantina Mexicana is to the right on Spruce Street.
It's on record, and you couldn't be wronger.
Oh, really? Yes.
Because Cantina Mexicana is to the left, and I know because I was down here last weekend, and I walked right past it.
So when I make a left turn and you are at the restaurant, safe and sound, you're gonna buy me a margarita.
And then you're gonna sing a Mexican song of apology because you will be wrong, and I will be back on top.
I got all turned around.
They changed the city on me! You had to dig in, huh? You couldn't just listen to me, and now we're totally late.
Oh, my gosh.
Eddie and Joy.
What are you two doing here? I don't know.
Joy handles the calendar.
So, what's going on? What are we doing here? Uh We are here for the famous Halibut Diablo! Muy delicioso.
Is it one of your birthdays? See? This is why I hate surprise parties.
I'm out.
Is this a surprise party for me? How are you not getting this yet? Look, I'm sorry I blew it.
And apologize to your sisters for me.
Oh, my God! My sisters are here? Is there gonna be a video? I gotta go fix my hair.
Was I not overly clear about being on time, kazoos ready? I am sorry, Jeff, but if Eddie would've just listened to me about the directions She was completely wrong about the directions.
I thought I was headed south.
It's just amazing to me that you cannot live in a world where I am right.
Because you make it impossible to live in that world.
And you certainly weren't right about the rascal.
All right, that is it! You are not ever allowed to bring up Stop it! Hey, I don't care how you act in the privacy of your own home, but you're affecting my life now! And that's not okay! Surprise parties, they're not lame.
They are thrilling.
One minute you're just going along, and then, suddenly, a whole party just drops from the sky.
But Steph, she's not gonna have that thrill now because you two just can't stop! You know what? Just go, okay? I really I don't even want you here.
Surprise! Forget it.
It's just me, the surprise is ruined.
Well, that was thoroughly awkward.
What's happened to us, Eddie, with this whole being right thing? Why does it matter so much to us? I don't know.
Maybe it's just part of that healthy, passionate give and take that is our life together.
I actually think we might be pretty troubled.
Yeah, we're a big mess.
Hey, hey.
I got an idea.
What are you doing? I'm breaking out our old toaster.
That ancient thing? I threw that away.
Yeah, along with my old Indian belt.
Boo-ya! Hey, and thank God I rescued it, because this is our ticket out of the jam.
You see, when I plug in this toaster, it doesn't draw any power.
So what I have done is created parallel worlds where we both can be right.
That's your solution? Yeah.
What's wrong with that? I thought it was a good idea.
What, you got something better? Don't you think it would be healthier for our relationship if we disagreed on something, we would just go look it up, and then we would both be happier that we have this little piece of knowledge? Oh.
That's another way to go.
We are two people who love each other.
How did we get like this over a toaster? I know.
It's crazy.
Come here.
Pour a little sugar on me, Red.
Do you smell smoke? I don't know.
I really can't smell anything since I ate Tom's homemade ketchup.
Oh, my God! Your toaster's on fire! Wow, it's a good thing we replaced that.
Eddie! Get in there! Okay! All right.
All right.
All right.
I will handle it.
Do something.
I will handle it.
No, you can't put water on an electrical fire.
Yeah, yeah, but wood's a great idea.
Listen, I know that water can put out burning toast.
Not in a live toaster.
The water acts as a conductor.
It spreads the flames.
Now, that is not right.
You know that is not right! Oh, will you stop with who is right? We have got a fire in our home.
Unplug it.
No, you unplug it.
That's your thing.
You have longer arms.
No, they're too hairy, they'll go up like dry kindling.
What do you suggest we do? I'm thinking baking soda.
Baking soda? You want to blow up the whole house? Baking soda sounds right to me.
Yeah, that's why the fire department drives around with giant boxes of baking soda? That is so wrong! Are you sure about that? Yes, I am sure about that.
Are you rascal sure? All right, that is it.
I am breeding a badger and a raccoon and the rascal will exist.
It will be scrappy and cute, and people will be lining up for them, and you will have nothing on me.
Nothing! It's out.
How about that? Guess it ran out of oxygen.
What? It's an open toaster, there's oxygen That's right, sweetie.
It ran out of oxygen.
Let's go to bed.
I still want toast.
Come on.
Before Eddie and Joy ruined it, you were surprised, right? I got you, I had you going.
Well, here's the thing.
In the four years you've known me, you've thrown me five surprise parties.
Four birthdays and that weird one on Christmas.
That one surprised you, though, huh? Yeah.
More 'cause it didn't really make sense.
I guess my question is, why so many surprise parties? I don't know, I guess 'cause they're fun, and they're thrilling, and I've never really had one.
Jeff, do you want me to throw you a surprise party? Maybe.

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