'Til Death s01e11 Episode Script

* All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Okay, I'm ready.
Oh, by the way, you might wanna get yourself a new razor.
I just gave your MACH3 quite a workout.
You used my razor? Well, MACH3 is how fast I'm gonna throw it out.
All right, so we really leaving this time, or do you have to just pee for another 45 minutes? Nope.
I am good to go.
You know, if you were a horse and you walked like that, you'd have to be destroyed.
Just a little reminder that you married someone completely out of your league.
I'm sorry.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
It's just that it's ridiculous we gotta get all dressed up.
I gotta spend $75 to rent a tux for Stan's insane anniversary party.
Come on.
I think it's sweet.
They've been married Yeah, well, that's great, but because they defy the odds, I gotta spend my morning in a tux shop with a small Italian man who's working my inseam like he's trying to feel his way out of a dark cave? Just get the directions, okay? They're in the invitation.
Oh, great.
Now my shoes are even gayer.
What is that? Is that the What? You didn't mail the RSVP card? Stan is your friend.
This is the one thing you were supposed to do.
Well, you know in our relationship, I don't mail things.
I'm more of the big picture guy.
Hey, maybe this means we don't have to go.
What do you say you and I become the best-dressed couple at Arby's? No.
We're going.
I'm just saying that now it's gonna be awkward.
I hope that you got them a nice gift.
What did you get them? Big picture guy.
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh.
Look, look, look, they got mini lamb chops.
Oh.
Oh.
God, it's a stampede.
Look at that.
Two seconds, and it's nothing but bones and napkins.
All right, listen.
Tonight I'm gonna have to ask you to be my hands.
Eddie, you could reach any appetizer you want.
You have the wingspan of a 747.
No, but see, that's the problem.
I'm big, but I'm slow, and I also project a neediness that makes the waiters avoid me.
Eddie? Oh! Hey, Stan.
Great party.
Happy anniversary.
Hey, Nicki.
Vicki.
Vicki.
Wow, 25 years.
Congratulations.
I'm surprised to see you.
I had no idea you were coming.
We didn't get your RSVP card.
Well, no, I told you I was coming, didn't I? Not via card.
Well, if you were confused, why didn't you call? Because I shouldn't have to beg.
You can't even manage to send in a little envelope we pre-stamped for you? You don't do that.
It's just not done.
Okay.
Well, we're here now, so how's this gonna play out? Well, I guess we could go talk to Lionel.
Our party planner.
He's a Leo.
Wish me luck.
Look, look.
More mini lamb chops.
Get in there! Where? Where's 12? Oh, no.
They're gone.
Damn it to hell.
All right, you know what? Do me a favor and check my wrap, 'cause I don't wanna deal with it all night.
Well, where you going? I'm gonna end the madness.
I'm gonna find you some mini lamb chops.
Okay.
Listen, don't be afraid to throw some elbows in there.
Hey, Eddie.
Hey, Woodcock.
Never have you looked more like a 10-year-old.
Yeah? Well, you look like James Bond with a glandular problem.
Are we done? Yeah, I guess we are.
Good one.
Honey, there's a deejay, and there's gonna be dancing.
Oh, really? Oh, I don't know.
Sweetie, you don't have to be embarrassed.
You are a good dancer.
He wouldn't even do a first dance at our wedding.
Can you believe that? I, for one, am outraged.
We have to cure you of this.
I'm gonna go request a song.
Oh, hey, hey, Steph, you don't have to do that, you crazy little thing, you.
Problem isn't me, it's her.
She dances like a whore.
So, Russ, how are the triplets? Oh, they're great.
Yeah.
Actually, they've divided the day up into three shifts so that one of them is always awake and screaming.
Uh-huh, yeah.
But the wife gave me the night off to come here, and I'm gonna make it count.
I am loving this party.
How great is bread? Here.
What is that? Is that my wrap? I thought I asked you to check it.
Yeah, and it turns out they charge $4, so it's not gonna happen.
I could buy 20 of my own hangers for that.
Well, I don't want it here, Eddie.
It could fall on the floor.
This thing is important to me.
My sister gave it to me.
Oh, your sister gave it to you.
Really? Doesn't smell like booze.
Hey, guys, how are you doing this evening? Hey! Hey! Hey! Look who tucked his shirt in.
Cofeld.
Where's Nicole? Oh, at home throwing up.
She's either pregnant or had some bad Moo Shu.
We'll find out tomorrow.
Yeah, between my wife, my kids, and a pretty old dog, something throws up in my house every seven seconds.
But not tonight, huh? 'Cause tonight we are bachelors.
We are Come here.
Come here, you.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
Ah, it's gonna be a great night, 'cause it has to be.
Okay.
Hi, everyone.
If I could have everyone's attention.
Twenty-five years, man! Okay.
Take the wine off his table.
I'm kidding.
Do it.
Okay, we're gonna have a couple of toasts now.
Uh, you know, Vicki and I have been overwhelmed by all the support and love and kind words on the RSVP cards that most of you sent.
And now, I'm going to turn the microphone over to my better half, the incredible Vicki.
All I wanna say is that every woman should be as lucky as I am to have a man take care of her like this man takes care of me.
I love you, Stan.
Oh.
That was sweet.
It was.
Hi, I'm Len.
Oh, God.
I'm Vicki's father.
I'd like to thank the kids for having me here, despite all the crap that went down with me and Vicki's mom.
Anyway, I wanna say something to Stan.
You're a wonderful man.
I wanna thank you for taking such good care of my daughter all these years.
Cheers.
Wow.
There's a lot of talk about how Stan takes care of Vicki, huh? Yeah, maybe he can take care of us and send some dinner our way.
Hello, we never got the carrot soup.
Yeah, didn't want it.
Now I need it.
Now we'd like to invite everyone to the dance floor for our song, the song we fell in love to.
* Crack that whip * Give the past the slip All right, let's do this.
* Break your mama's back * When a problem comes along Stan really does take such wonderful care of Vicki.
* You must whip it Hey, man.
Hey.
Hey, hi, Stan and Vicki.
This is the greatest party ever.
Look, look, I'm here with my friend Cofeld.
This is awesome.
Hey, wanna make out? What? Yeah, for the camera.
Come on, it'll be funny.
Are you serious? Yeah! It's a goof.
You know, a couple of big dudes kissing each other on their video.
It's hilarious.
Come on.
I'm not sure we agree on what's funny.
Okay.
No takers, apparently.
What? What's wrong? Am I dancing funny? You know, I haven't danced in a long time.
I'm just kind of warming up.
No, it's not your dancing.
No, I was just thinking that everybody's talking about how Stan takes such great care of Vicki, and I was just wondering what's she getting that I'm not getting? You know, I think the real question is how big of a mess is Stan's wife that she needs to be taken care of? I mean, you know, come on, what is she, a drunk? Is she slow? Does he have to keep her in an attic? Eddie, I'm serious.
Oh, come on.
She's not getting anything you're not getting.
We're at a party.
People feel like they have to say something.
Don't buy into the hype.
I'm just saying that if everyone talks about how he takes care of her, he must be doing something great.
What, honey? What do you want from me? I just wanna be taken care of a little, Eddie.
I take care of you fine.
Really? You wouldn't even spend $4 to check my wrap.
You want me to check your wrap? Come on, that's what I would love to check your wrap.
What are you, kidding? You stay gorgeous, and I'll be right back.
* Whip it good Okay, shy boy, you can't hide anymore.
* What you find Jeff, give me something to work with here.
Oh, I'm good.
I'm I'm just I'm keeping it real, keeping it small.
It's fun.
You wanna try this? Come on, let me see you move it.
I don't wanna move it.
What are you afraid of? You afraid someone's gonna laugh at you? No, because they're already laughing at you.
What? Look at you, with your gyrating and your thrusting.
Those little boys over there watching you, they just became men.
You're insane.
I am a great dancer.
Your problem is you.
You need to stop being so uptight and let yourself go.
Yeah? I think you need to let yourself not go.
Wait.
Is this why you wouldn't dance at our wedding? Yeah.
I didn't really need you shaking your moneymaker at my nana.
Well, if you don't wanna dance with me, I'll find someone who will.
* To be real Where have you guys been? My friend here crashed the Rosenfeld's bar mitzvah across the hall.
Joshua and his camp friends are awesome.
Did you guys see a black wrap? It was on the back of this chair.
No, I haven't seen it.
I'm supposed to check in Joy's wrap, and now it's gone.
Was it a wrap? Because it looked more like a pashmina.
Now, see, I thought a pashmina was a wrap.
It doesn't matter what it is.
What matters is if I don't find this thing, somehow, I won't be as good a husband as Stan.
I'm a robot.
I'm a robot.
From the future.
* To be real * I see trees of green * Red roses too * I see them bloom Is Joy looking this way? No, no.
She's still watching the slide show.
Oh, look at that.
Stan and Vicki on a beach in Rio wearing matching bikini bottoms.
Nobody needs to see that.
How the hell am I gonna find a black wrap in a room full of black tablecloths, black napkins? Everything's black.
I don't know, man.
Looks pretty white out there to me.
All right, look, this is what we gotta do.
We gotta divide the room in quadrants, like we're searching a lake for a body.
Man, you can't divide a lake into quadrants.
You dredge a lake and send in divers.
You quadrant off a field, get some bloodhounds, and call the local militia.
Okay, look, this isn't really a field or a lake, okay? It's Garden Rotunda Room B.
Could we just keep looking? You're the one that's asking me to quadrant off a body of water, man.
Hell, I don't even know how to do that.
Great, great, they're serving sorbet.
Joy's gonna get chilly, and she's gonna need her wrap.
I gotta keep moving.
Look, go shake down the bartender and see what he knows.
Okay.
Come on, Cofeld.
Huh? Dance with me.
What about your husband? My husband doesn't know how to shake it.
Let's get this party going.
I am feeling very uncomfortable with what's happening right now.
I'm hearing a lot of this and not seeing a lot of this.
Oh, God.
Vicki.
Hi.
Wow, what a spectacular evening.
Nice touch with the ice sculpture.
They really captured Stan's head.
Anyway, I have a question for you.
Uh, do you have any kind of a medical condition or psycho-emotional issues? What? No.
Why? Oh, well, you know, all this talk about how Stan takes such good care of you, I was just sort of wondering if there was some sad reason behind it all.
No, he's just a great guy.
He really looks after me.
Even when the two of you are alone, no one else around? Uh-huh.
Especially then.
Wow, what a sweet son of a bitch.
* Get down tonight Go, Cofeld.
It's your birthday.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Hello.
* Make a little love * Get down tonight Something wrong? Yes.
I just heard all my triplets crying.
Then I heard my wife crying.
And what I think was my dog throwing up.
Well, guess I gotta go home.
You know, it's over.
Oh, God, it's over.
Well, well, well.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
I think that wrap you're wearing belongs to my wife, so if I could just grab it from you.
Honey, can I maybe convince you to stop with the twirling? Darling, could I Here, let me.
Get off! You're mean! Oh, I think you're mean.
Eddie, what are you doing to my niece? I'm not doing anything.
She stole Joy's wrap.
You don't grab something from a child.
You just don't do that.
Eddie, where have you been? What's going on? Just trying to save your wrap from the bride of Chucky.
This isn't my wrap.
My wrap has sequins on it.
It's my mom's.
He stole it from me.
My bad.
Here you go, sweetheart.
I thought you checked my wrap.
I might have lost it.
Oh, my God.
I'll Come, come on.
No.
No.
Joy.
You know, in all fairness, this is an adult party.
I Sequins.
Crap.
Crappity crap, crap.
What the hell are you doing in here? Hiding from Steph.
That woman violated me out there on that dance floor.
She was riding me like a pony.
My wife is gonna smell her all over me.
I'm not gonna be able to go home tonight.
Oh, neither am I.
I just shredded the wrap that Joy's sister gave her.
This means eight hours of long-distance phone calls about what a douche I am.
What is going on in here? First, no RSVP card, then you corner my niece.
Now you're creating a scene in the kitchen.
This is a very elegant party.
You know what? No Stan and Vicki souvenir travel mug for you.
Suck on that.
Fine, because your party has been nothing but trouble.
And tell me, what does it mean that you take such great care of your wife? What is everybody talking about? What, do you give her jewelry? Are you a sexual dynamo? Yes, and yes.
But there's more than that.
Sometimes I just call Vicki to see how she's doing in the daytime.
You know, I rub her feet at night.
When she's sick, I make her a soup that seems to get her better twice as fast.
See, the way I look at it, in every relationship, there's a gardener and a flower.
I guess I'm just a good gardener, and I care about my flower.
Are you Eddie? Yeah.
Your wife wanted me to save these lamb chops for you.
Wow.
I'm feeling like an ass.
And she thought you also might like this mint jelly dipping sauce.
Even assier.
Yeah.
All right.
Excuse me.
One second.
There'll be lot more dancing later.
Yeah.
You're terrific out there.
Excuse me.
Hi, uh, everyone.
I'm, uh, Stan's friend, Eddie.
And I just have one more toast for the happy couple.
You know, we've been hearing a lot of talk tonight about, you know, how Stan takes such good care of Nicki Vicki.
Vicki.
And, um, it made me think that I don't nearly do enough to take care of my wife, which is wrong, because, um, I love her more than anything, and I'm gonna try to do better at taking care of her.
But you know, a wise man once said to me that in every relationship there is a gardener and a flower.
And I learned a little something about myself tonight.
I am the flower.
And sometimes I think it is very important for the flower to say thank you to the gardener.
Thank you for taking such great care of me, Joy.
And, uh, happy anniversary, Stan and Vicki.
You are the flower? I am the flower, and thank you for being my gardener, and thank you for the mini lamb chops.
Mmm.
Were they good? They were great.
Did you save me some? See, that's why you're the gardener.
But I swear I will be better.
Shall we head home? Yeah.
Okay.
It may be chilly out, so * Yes, it's my last chance * For romance tonight * Oh, I need you by me * Beside me Hey, Steph, you, uh You ready to go? Huh? No way.
I'm just getting started.
You still don't see how ridiculous you look? You wanna see what you look like, huh? Like this.
You look like this.
You're like You're doing all this.
See? See how ridiculous I look? Huh? You see how See how good this feels? Huh? I told you.
I never felt so free.
Come here, baby.