'Til Death s01e12 Episode Script

* All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Come on, defense! Yeah! Hey, 44! Take off your mascara and get into the corners, you wuss! I love my hockey girl.
Come here.
Yeah! Taste the boards, buddy! Lick 'em! Welcome to the house of pain, you Czechoslovakian piece of cr I can't do this anymore.
I hate hockey.
What are you talking about? You love hockey.
No.
I hate it.
I hate it with my whole heart.
What do you mean? You've always loved hockey.
No, I never loved it.
I lied.
Sorry.
Yeah, but this is our thing, baby.
We love it.
I'm really, really cold, and I hate it.
I'll meet you in the car.
So she lied to you.
What's the big deal? What's the big deal? The entire fabric of our relationship is built on the fact that she loves hockey! All right, settle down there, drama queen.
You're not auditioning for the winter play.
I mean, you don't understand.
On our third date, she got us matching jerseys.
She had me tape games for her.
Our wedding cake was three stacked hockey pucks.
That seems a tad gauche.
That's what I said, but she insisted.
Oh, what am I going to do? I just bought a package of 20 home games.
Hey, you know, I got tickets for tonight.
You want to come? Oh.
Sorry.
I've got a thing.
Is that my lunch? No! It says "Jeff Woodcock" on the bag.
Fine! There you go.
Let's see what else we got here.
Isn't that Mrs.
McKenzie's? Yes.
And she can do with one less pudding cup.
All right, look.
Obviously you're upset, but the fact that Steph lied is very natural.
Everybody does it.
It's what dating is all about.
It's what gets you to the altar.
You think anyone would marry anyone if they knew the truth? Well, I never lied to Steph.
Oh, really? Does any of this sound familiar? "I love foreign films.
" "No, I don't mind if the cat sleeps on the bed with us.
" "Lionel Richie, he rocks.
" What does this have to do with Lionel Richie? I'll tell you what this has to do with Lionel Richie.
When Joy and I first started dating, she would always show the goods, but she'd never let me touch 'em.
Then one night on the radio comes Dancing on the Ceiling, and she goes, "Oh, that's my favorite song.
" And I say, "Hey, mine, too.
" Now, did I like the song? Of course not.
Did I approve of the message Dancing on the Ceiling was sending out to children? Totally irresponsible.
The point is, it was a big lie.
But suddenly, off comes Joy's Flashdance sweatshirt, and we're in business.
Well, good for you.
But I never had to lie about stuff like that.
Steph was just really easy.
I can see that.
Look, she might have lied before, but now she's telling the truth, and that's the beauty of marriage, you could finally be honest about who you really are.
You don't have to keep pretending that you have these things in common, or these shared interests.
You can just go out and do your own thing, spending days without talking or even seeing each other at all.
That's true intimacy.
Look, I gave you back your lunch, and you're not even touching it.
I'm just saying.
Hey, sweetie.
Hello, Steph.
If that is your real name.
Come on.
Are you still mad about the hockey thing? I'm really sorry, okay? It's just really creepy, all right? It's like if you lied about that, what else did you lie about? Did you have a nose job? Are you a US citizen? Have you really only been with 14 guys before me? I didn't lie about anything else, I swear.
I just pretended to like hockey.
All right.
Okay.
Good.
And Spinal Tap.
What? Oh, my god! No, I just meant You don't like Spinal Tap? Well, it's just sort of goofy.
Goofy? Spinal Tap is goofy? It's my favorite movie! Oh, my gosh.
She doesn't like Spinal Tap.
Do you believe that? Jeff, I'm sure there's stuff you lied about, too, right? I mean, like antiquing.
You always come with me.
You say how you love it.
But no guy loves antiquing.
Some guys love it.
There's got to be something.
Come on.
Well No, no.
Yeah.
I got something.
You remember that haircut that you got last year, the one with the bangs? I said I loved it, but I didn't.
I liked it, but I didn't love it.
There you go.
Doesn't that feel better? No.
I am pathetic.
You're not pathetic, honey.
And you don't need me to enjoy hockey.
You loved it before you met me.
That's true.
And you can love it again.
Tonight.
You've got another game.
Why don't you go with one of your guy friends? Okay, yeah.
Good.
Good.
I'll just I'll go with one of my guy friends.
Yeah.
Right.
I've got two hours to make a guy friend.
All right.
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! * Whoo! The Mini Chopper Pro replaces all these appliances.
Now, how much would you pay for something like this? $29.
95.
But wait.
There's more.
We're prepared to offer you the Mini Chopper Pro, the Chopper Pro Junior, and the recipe book, a $200 value, all for $19.
95.
How long have you been sitting back there? About an hour.
Really? Yeah.
Huh.
You know, I was talking to Woodcock about this.
This is marriage.
Two people doing their own thing, living totally independent lives.
What are you talking about "independent lives"? We're sitting four feet away from each other, looking at different-sized screens.
Well, yeah, but we have nothing in common.
Really? What are you doing back there? Well, I'm purchasing the product that you're watching.
But listen.
That's not the point.
We have totally separate interests.
No, we don't.
Yeah, we do.
Name one thing that you do without me.
Well, for starters, I bowl.
Oh.
You're a bowler? Yes.
Love to bowl.
Have my own ball, my own patented move, the Stark strike-maker.
Mighty ball! I gave your ball away seven years ago.
What? What are you talking about, you gave it away? It's right here in the hall I can't believe you gave away my ball! It was custom-drilled for my fingers.
I loved that ball.
Did you? What color was it? Round.
Not only have we not grown apart, we are the same person.
You know what? You're wrong, because I am my own person.
I am unique, like a human snowflake.
No, you're not.
Look at the way you're eating that cookie.
You're using one side as a shovel to eat the filling, the cookie shovel.
Where'd you learn that technique, snowflake? From my friend Bill? From me.
The cookie shovel is mine.
Oh, and check this out.
Ta-da! What? We're wearing the same outfit.
Oh, my God! You know those couples that we make fun of in the yogurt place? We're them! I gotta get out of here.
I gotta find my own thing.
Where are you gonna go? I don't know.
I'll head north.
Good luck with that.
And I'm telling you, I have to do something.
We are not going to turn into the old yogurt people.
Wait.
You're really going out? What am I supposed to do? I don't care what you do.
Just don't do what I'm doing.
Well, what are you doing? I have no idea.
Well, I don't want to just sit here by myself.
Oh, okay.
Well, go out with that friend who calls you all the time and I always forget to give you the message.
Uh, Marla.
Barbara? Barbara.
Exactly.
Wait, when did Barbara call? Like, every day last week.
It was something about her getting divorced.
Oh, my god! * All right! * Whoo! Oh, jeez! Eddie, what are you doin' here? Just doin' my own thing.
What's up with you? Just going to go to that hockey game alone.
I love hockey! I'm in! You said Love it! * Oh, oh, oh, oh! * Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay.
Hockey.
Love it! You know, I haven't heard the Canadian anthem in quite a while, but I got to say, I think it's better than ours.
All right.
Where is that puck? I got to be honest, I haven't seen it at all tonight.
You know, Steph could always find the puck.
She has eyes like a Navy pilot.
You just forget about her, okay? You know, when it would get chilly, we would snuggle up under this blanket.
Yeah.
Well, you're gonna have to buy me a few more beers for that to happen.
Come on.
Mmm.
Oh, snap out of it.
Hey, you want to do the wave? All right.
I guess.
What do you mean, you guess? Come on.
Surf's up! Whoo! Okay.
Maybe it's a little bit too early for the wave.
But that is gonna kill later.
You will see.
Go, baby! Go, baby! Oh.
Oh.
Look.
Look at Sally McHockey over there, puttin' on an act.
Hey, it's all a lie! Once the ring gets on her finger, it's gonna be all pedicures and tea parties.
She's not a hockey girl, buddy.
She's a fake.
I will kick your ass.
Okay.
She's for real.
She's the real deal.
Good luck to you, sir.
You're gonna make beautiful children.
Okay.
Her boot's in my spine.
Someone's not respecting personal space.
Just so you know, if somethin' happens, I do not have your back.
* Yeah! Barbara, I am so sorry that I didn't call you back.
I had no idea that you and Marty were splitting up.
Neither did I.
It was pretty sudden.
I mean, there were signs.
Like the constant pressure to have a three-way.
Wow.
That explains Marty's e-mails to me.
Anyway, the important thing is that I'm moving on.
I mean, I don't need Marty to validate me because I'm happy with who I am.
Do you like the lips? Did I do too much? Do I have trout pout? No.
No.
Another couple of days, you'll be able to close them all the way.
I hope so.
So, how'd you get to come out by yourself tonight? Where's Eddie? Oh, he had this whole meltdown because I told him we were kind of becoming the same person, and so he wanted to go out and do his own thing tonight, be his own man.
Last time I saw him, he was wandering up and down the block looking into mailboxes.
Well, what I'm hearing is that you are an honorary single girl like me tonight.
What? What's going on? This place turns into a dance club at 9:00.
Oh.
We should get the check.
What are you talking about? We're staying.
You're going to be my wingwoman.
Oh, Barbara, I don't know.
It's been years since I went clubbing.
Oh, come on.
You can still shake it.
Oh, I can still shake it.
Last I checked, these still got me free drinks.
So, okay.
Game on! Oh, I don't know.
I I Wow.
I can feel that bass everywhere.
Sit down already.
I'm going down.
I'm mostly torso.
It takes a while.
You were in the bathroom that whole time? It was pretty disturbing.
There was a man helping another man pee in the sink.
Oh! Oh, yeah! Look at those two guys wailin' on each other! Look at that.
There's blood everywhere.
Steph should be here for this.
Steph doesn't like hockey, okay? And quite frankly, I think I get her point.
What is so great about this experience? Is it the cold? Is it the relentless organ music? Is it that simple-minded fellow who keeps hitting his cow bell? That's Cowbell George.
His wife's here with him.
Can I ask you to please not kick my chair? How about I kick you in the head? Wow.
She did it.
She didn't even wait for an answer.
Ha.
You want to dance with the scarecrow? Come on! Okay.
I stand corrected.
This is my new favorite song.
Whoa.
Sailor.
What are you leaving room for, cream and sugar? Okay, she's married! I'm divorced and back on the pill! Barbara! Hey! I am so glad that Eddie made me come out tonight.
Whoo! Oh.
Oh.
I'm gonna call him.
You know, these lips aren't the only thing I've had done.
It's going right to voicemail.
Eddie! Hi! Oh, I'm so glad you made me do this.
I hope you're having as much fun as I am.
Whoo! Ow! You're hurting my nipple! It's not worth it, Cathy! Not in your first trimester! He's right, Cathy.
You got way too much to lose.
All right, George! Put down the cowbell! Hey, you're home early.
Is the game over? No.
We were asked to leave right after Eddie flipped off the kiss-cam.
But I got you one of these.
A towel.
Not a towel, angel.
A rally towel.
You know, when your team's down and you need them to rally? Well, I need you to rally, honey.
Whoo! Huh? You're freaking out a little here.
What's going on? I need us to go back to the lie, okay? I need you to tell me that you love hockey, because it's really not the same without you.
So we're going to wave our towels, we're going to watch the end of the game, because the girl I married loves hockey, and if you don't love hockey, then I don't know who the hell you are.
This is nice, right? Go ahead.
Say it.
Say you love it.
Say you love hockey.
Okay, I love it.
Liar! But you said you wanted to go back to the lie.
We can't go back! I know you hate it now.
You've ruined hockey for me! You've made me question everything! I am very angry inside! Stupid rally towel! Jeff, I'm so sorry this is making you upset.
I never meant to hurt you.
Let me ask you something.
When you called me after our first date and told me you had hockey tickets and asked me to go, if I had told you I hated hockey, what would have happened? Would we have ever had a second date? Probably.
No.
You'd have taken somebody else to the game.
And then you never would've put your arm around me when I got cold.
We wouldn't have had our first kiss that night.
And it's possible we wouldn't have ended up together.
None of this would exist.
So I lied.
I said I loved hockey.
I'd do it again.
It got me you.
It's the best lie I ever told.
I never thought of it that way.
Well, it's true.
Okay, how about this? How about we compromise, okay? How about you go to one game a season? You got it.
Okay.
And maybe you could wear the jersey when we do, like, you know, other stuff.
You mean like sex? I was thinking antiquing, but I like yours better.
* Yeah, yeah! * Oh, oh, oh Not as hungry as you thought you were? Not a problem.
Pack it, suck it, and save it with the new Vacuum Packer.
Operators are standing by.
Whoo! Hey.
Oh, my God.
What a night.
I am so glad you made us go out.
Barbara and I went to this restaurant that became a nightclub, and I danced so hard on the bar that I broke a heel.
Oh, and a bamboo ceiling fan.
I got beat up by a girl.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I hate it out there.
I don't need interests or my own thing.
I'm fine just sitting right here, being the same person as you.
Hey, you want to put on our matching flannel jammies? No.
Actually, I just came home to change my shoes.
Barbara and I are going to go for waffles with these gay guys that we met.
Oh.
Okay.
Save me your bacon.
I will.
What happened to gay waffles? You know what? Barbara won't miss me.
I was kind of stealing her thunder anyway.
That's my girl.
And the sucking doesn't have to stop in the kitchen.
Winter sweaters taking up too much room? With the new Vacuum Packer, you can suck 'em down to size.
Now, how much would you pay for an item like this? $29.
95.
No way.
They're going to give it to us for $19.
95, but they're gonna kill us on the bags.
No.
Now about the low price of $19.
95? Bags sold separately.
Booya! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh It's okay, honey.
We don't have to have the same favorite movie.
You'll have Spinal Tap, and I'll have anything else.
Oh, no.
It's great.
We're just going to watch it one more time.
Amp goes to 11.
That's classic.
It's It speaks for itself.
I'm gonna stop talking.
I'm sorry.
I still don't see why that's funny.
Because it goes to 11.
Things never go to 11.
It's always 10.
That's the standard.
No, I get that.
I just Why don't they make it that it goes to 40? You know, like much higher.
Wouldn't that be funnier? No! "This one goes to 40.
" What the hell is wrong with you? Just go put on the jersey.
I'll be in there in a minute.
* Yeah, yeah, yeah!