'Til Death s01e13 Episode Script

Fight Friend

* All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Hi, Shiny.
Hey, babe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this? Pancakes? Bacon? Omelets? Am I dreaming or are we having breakfast for dinner? Oh, it's real, big boy.
As real as these eggs that expired yesterday.
I like your style, lady.
We are going to eat what we want, when we want it, even if we get a little salmonella doing it.
Do you think that it's time we got a new fridge? 'Cause I think this is ridiculous.
Ridiculous or sexy? You know, I got to tell you, you stabbing stuff just gets my motor going.
Eddie, I don't have a lot of big dreams, but one that I do have is getting a nice, symmetrical ice cube out of my freezer without the risk of plunging a spike through my hand.
Yeah, but you see, you get yourself a new refrigerator and all of a sudden, the stove starts looking old, and then the cabinets are ugly, and pretty soon, your whole life just looks bad.
And you got to drink booze just to get through the day, and you got to have pills to sleep at night and you get fired from your job and you end up on the street.
So, no new refrigerator.
You're welcome.
So, what are you doing Saturday? Watching That's So Raven in my underwear.
What are you doing? Well, I read about this marriage workshop I think we should go to.
Whoa, whoa.
What's happening? Why do we need marriage counseling? Did you Did you cheat on me? You can tell me, Joy.
We can work through this, but don't send me to counseling.
I didn't cheat on you.
And it's not counseling.
It's Tammy Thomas Tomlinson's marriage workshop for happy couples who want to stay happy.
Well, come on.
That doesn't make any sense.
If we're already happy, the best way to stay happy is by doing nothing.
Think of it as a marriage tune-up.
You know, just getting under the hood and checking our fluids.
I don't want anyone named Tammy Thomas Tomlinson anywhere near my fluids.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
It's only four Saturday seminars.
That's like saying it's only four catheters.
Eddie, I want to try this thing.
I could say no and end it right now, or else I could say yes and then be sick for the next four Saturdays in a row.
You know, I can make my glands swell up like a bullfrog.
You're quite a catch.
You know what? Never mind.
Forget I mentioned it.
See? Conflict resolution.
We don't need a workshop by Tammy Tucker Tinklebaum to tell us that, right? You want to know who the real genius is? Mr.
Tammy Tucker Tinklebaum.
"Oh, honey, you know everything about marriage.
"Hey, here's a good idea.
"Why don't you go away every weekend "and share your wisdom with everyone in the world, "and I'll just sit here and watch football alone?" Yeah.
I'll take a class from that guy.
I'll tell you that right now.
* Yeah! * Oh, oh, oh! What's so funny? I'm grading these papers.
Check out this answer.
"Who was the first Chief Justice of the U.
Supreme Court?" Answer, "The honorable Don K.
" Don K.
"F" for "funny" and "future fry cook.
" What the hell was that? Oh.
Oh, I'm reusing baggies.
Just trying to save a little money.
Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.
I'll tell you what.
Here's 10 bucks.
You can buy yourself about a million Ziplocs.
Oh, you laugh, but every little penny helps.
Steph is out of control with money.
You know, the other day, she bought a suede jacket that cost more than my entire wardrobe.
So, what, like a $30 jacket? I'm a vice-principal, okay? I am not making crazy principal jack here.
I even told Steph that she should talk to me before spending the money that I earn.
I bet that went over well.
It didn't.
Actually had a pretty big fight about it and she said she would return the jacket.
All right.
So, happy ending, right? That's the thing, Eddie.
She didn't return it.
She went to this yoga class with a friend and then she came back with all this new stuff about how even though I earn the money, we're married, so it's our money and everything should be 50-50.
Wait a minute.
Did you say that she went to a yoga class with a friend? Yeah.
I see what's happening here.
You, young master Jeffrey, are a victim of a fight friend.
Okay, I'll bite.
What's a fight friend? It's a person your wife runs to when you're having fights so she can reload with a new set of arguments.
Some people call them fight friends, other people call them beeyatches.
Either way, you lose.
You know, I met Mandy once.
She was kind of a beeyatch.
There you go.
You know, Joy had a beeyatch.
Her name was Janice Indelicato.
She used to make my life a living hell.
Fortunately, she developed a rare skin disease and had to move to Switzerland for treatment.
So, what am I supposed to do? Well, you're not going to fight two women, that's for sure.
I mean, you married Steph, not her friend.
Does Steph let you have make-up sex with her friend? If so, God bless.
If not, you got to put a stop to it.
You know what, you're right.
I should nip this right in the bud.
Good for you.
By the way, you know that the $10 was a joke.
Here's your flight and hotel information, and you're all set.
You two are going to love Brazil.
Couple of things to keep in mind.
Just because everyone else is sunbathing topless, don't feel that you need to.
And if you run out of your meds, don't worry, because they're very cheap down there.
Oh, and one more thing.
Some of the women may actually be men.
Okay! Have fun.
They're going to die down there.
I thought they were going to die in here.
Oh, allow me.
Looking good.
Out you go.
Hey, baby.
Hey, honey.
Eddie, hi.
Hey, Nicole.
Make sure you say hi to your adorable husband for me.
I will.
Oh, and you know when you were over at my house on Sunday playing cards? That cake you ate out of the freezer? That was from my wedding.
We ran out of chips.
What are you doing here? Well, I figured I was open for lunch today, so I thought it was time to come down here and toss a burger down your throat.
Oh, thank you.
And also, I wanted to make sure there were no hard feelings about the marriage workshop thing, because, as you know, you're my best gal.
That's sweet.
Hey, actually, speaking of that marriage workshop, I was doing some thinking.
You were? I mean, doesn't the fact that you won't even do this little thing for me speak to maybe a larger problem, like a lack of connection? Which makes me believe we actually do need the workshop.
What? Wait a minute.
What's with the nod? What do you mean? Do you have anything to do with this? Me? I'm not the one who's afraid to get better as a man.
I can't believe you got yourself a new fight friend.
Oh, what? You are being paranoid.
Paranoid? I saw the way she nodded.
I'm allowed to nod.
It's a free country.
Okay, yes.
Yes, I talked to Nicole.
She had a good point.
What, now you're going to stop me from talking to her? No, I just want to know how long the two of you have been carrying on.
The "Let's try Indian food" fight.
Did she have something to do with that? You never want to try new things.
How is this any of your business? Well, apparently, I'm married to both of you, so why just don't the three of us go out to lunch? That would be delightful.
I could eat a burger.
Come on, let's get it.
What just happened? Sure you don't want to come to yoga with me? No, thanks.
Last time I went, there was this extremely flexible old man that really freaked me out.
Hey, do you have any money? I'm out of cash.
I was going to stop at that yogurt place with Mandy after.
Let me see what I got.
Ah, I got $40, and 20 for you.
Honey, you're not still mad about our money fight, are you? No, no, no.
You were right.
We're married.
It's our money.
Thank you.
Oh, a birthday card from my grammy.
$100? She's too sweet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What? You just had this whole thing about how our money's supposed to be 50-50.
So? Well, you got two $50 bills in your pocket, and my 20.
Just trying to figure out the rules here, you know, just What are you saying? You want half of my grammy's birthday money? Well, considering that's the biggest paycheck you've gotten this fiscal year.
Jeff, this is a birthday present from my grandmother.
I understand that, and Grammy's great.
She's a fine lady when she's awake.
I just Look.
I don't understand why this doesn't flow both ways.
Because this is different.
Different how? I don't know, but I'm sure it's different.
I have to go to yoga.
We'll talk about this later.
Whoa, no, no, no, no.
You're not going anywhere, all right? Especially not to meet your fight friend.
My what? Mandy, the mastermind behind your whole big suede jacket scam.
I shouldn't have to fight two women unless I get to have make-up sex with Mandy, too.
Scratch that.
It's bad.
Scratch that.
Look, this fight is between you and me, and you are not leaving until this is over.
Did you just lock me in my own house? No.
Well, drive safely, honey.
In exactly T- minus 36 hours, I'm going to be stuck in a hotel ballroom with Tammy Thomas Tomlinson telling me why I'm a failure to my wife, myself, and perhaps my Lord.
Tammy Tigger Thomason? What is that, a puppet? No.
She's a marriage counselor, and your wife put that idea in Joy's head.
Really? Yes.
You should've seen the way they double-teamed me yesterday at lunch.
I was so worked up, I could only eat two burgers and a basket of wings.
That sucks.
That's all you have to say? Women are from Venus? See, that's my point right there.
If you and I were women and I had this problem, our brains would've already fused together into one big, mega woman brain and I would have why I don't have to go to this thing on Saturday.
Okay, okay.
How about you tell her this? How about you tell her that you heard that sometimes marriage counseling causes more problems than it solves, hmm? Okay, that's good.
That's good.
Where did I hear it? The New York Times.
I like it! Hey, you know what? Nicole is over at my house right now.
What do you say you go back over with me? You could be my backup.
I don't know, man.
I got enough to fight with my wife about as it is.
We just had a big one at the movies when I didn't butter her popcorn.
Apparently, that's my passive-aggressive way of calling her fat.
And I said, "Honey, if I wanted to call you fat, I'd just call you fat.
" That did not help.
Okay, so because you can't get a popcorn order right, I have to go home alone and fight two wives like I'm a Mormon? Come on.
Don't do this to me, man.
Come on.
Look, Joy has help.
I need someone on my side.
All right.
I'll be your corner man.
I'll be your Mickey to your Rocky.
I don't want to be Mickey.
He's old.
I'll be Apollo Creed.
He has a cool name.
All right.
No, no, no.
I don't want to be Apollo Creed.
Man, he fought Rocky.
I don't want to fight you.
Oh, of course, he only fought Rocky in the first and the second one, and then, you know, in the third one, Mickey dies, and then he coaches him when he fights Mr.
I want to be Mr.
T! Okay.
* Hey! Hello, Joy, Nicole.
Look who I ran into.
How y'all doing? Eddie, what's going on? Oh, nothing, really.
Just hanging out with my friend, the way you're hanging out with your friend.
We both got friends.
That's right.
People we can talk to about our lives, who can give us new insights.
My friend nods, too.
Oh, my God.
Are you still on that? Oh, I am on it, I am all under it, and I'm all around it.
Are you scared? Not really.
You're not? No.
So, you really think that he's going to help you argue your way out of the workshop? Maybe.
May not need him at all.
Actually, I've been doing a little reading on my own about the marriage counseling workshops, and turns out that they may cause more problems than they solve.
That's not me talking, that's The New Yorker.
New York Times.
New York Times.
When did you read The New York Times? On the bus.
What bus? The downtown bus.
Downtown bus to where? The New York Times.
That's it.
You got 'em, champ.
You got 'em.
You got 'em.
Bob and weave.
Bob and weave.
I got you.
I got you.
See, that's how they roll.
See what they do there? No, no, no.
Don't even worry about that.
See that? Mmm-hmm.
It's what they do.
Let me ask you a question, Eddie.
Do you think you're a good husband? Hold it.
Smells like a trap.
Just answer the question.
You can't pass.
I can't? Then, yes.
Okay, so you are so perfect, there's no room for improvement? I see eight things wrong with you right now.
Well, I'm just saying I don't need some hokey workshop to keep my wife happy.
Are you saying you refuse to give back just a little bit to your wife, the woman who drained your coccyx cyst every day for three weeks and still had the stomach to make love to you? Damn, that's nasty.
Maybe you should go to that workshop.
Excuse us a second, will you? Whose side are you on? Yours, but unless you have something that's gonna top coccyx cyst, you're dead.
What do you got? I got nothing.
You know that these women have this huge database about stuff they can use against us.
I don't have a memory like that.
If I close my eyes right now, I couldn't even tell you what clothes I was wearing.
You should just give up, man.
Hey, the workshop's only four Saturdays.
I'll tape the college games for you.
No way.
I'm not dying on this hill.
I got to do something.
Unless you can come back from her squeezing pus out of your coccyx Oh, sure.
Joy drained my cyst, but I help my wife, too, just like you help your wife when you wouldn't put butter on her popcorn 'cause you were concerned about her weight.
What? Oh, God.
She's speaking Korean.
Why did you do that, man? I'm sorry, buddy, but your wife is a heat-seeking missile, and I had to deploy you as countermeasure.
Baby, I didn't call you fat.
I just forgot the butter! Butter, butter! I am out of here.
I Baby, but you can't go.
You're my ride home! My tapes don't speak that fast.
I don't even know what she's saying! Baby! Wait! All right, well, listen.
Have a good time at that workshop and I'll tape the games for you.
I cannot believe you just threw your friend under a bus like that.
Oh, come on.
He'll be fine.
She wasn't even that mad.
You must really be desperate not to go to that workshop.
Come on.
They're the ones who need the workshop.
I mean, we're fine, Joy.
Why do we got to sit in a circle at the airport Ramada with Tommy Timmy Templeton telling us how to love? You know what? You're right.
Forget about it.
I mean, yeah, sure, we've got problems, but I happen to think that our worst problem is this freaking refrigerator.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Does my lady want a new refrigerator? Then that's what my lady gets.
Are you serious? Absolutely.
You're the best.
But I got to be honest.
I am going to miss that stabbing.
Give it a few more whacks for your daddy.
Go ahead.
That's it.
Go on.
That's it.
Yeah, baby.
Yes! Yes, baby.
Oh! Hey, Eddie, I know you feel bad about the new fridge, man, but I got to tell you, she's a beauty.
Built to last.
Big, old bottom bin, just like I like them.
Look, it's just an appliance.
Take it down a notch.
What's up, Crockett? Tubbs? You know, I just took this yoga class with Steph and her friend Mandy.
I had my head further between my legs than I ever thought possible.
So, you're hanging with her fight friend? Come on, man.
You can't consort with the enemy.
Oh, no, I had it all wrong about Mandy.
She actually told Steph to give me her grammy's birthday money as a thank-you for how hard I work.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
Please tell me you invested some of it in a bronzing cream.
It was such a nice gesture, I actually took the money and bought Steph a day of beauty.
Oh, my God.
Don't you see what's happening here? She played you.
Steph let you win.
She knew that you would feel bad and get all mushy and then do something nice for her.
It's a classic bait-and-switch.
Oh, you mean, like, if I wanted a new fridge, but I pretended to want to go to a marriage workshop 'cause I knew you'd say no and feel bad and then let me buy one? That would be funny.
That would be funny.
I never had a chance.

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