'Til Death s01e14 Episode Script

The Colleague

* All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I love faculty pasta night.
I'm going back in.
Are you kidding? You've had nine plates of spaghetti.
How can you not be full? Oh, I emptied her out Hello there.
Oh, hello, Father Woodcock.
Are you here to bless the buffet? It's called a mock turtleneck, Eddie, and they happen to be making a comeback.
Yeah? Maybe you should wait until they're all the way back? Hey, hey.
Have you met Lucy, the new history teacher? You know, I heard she was on the squash team at Penn.
I think I might try to get a game with her.
Right.
Well, you know what? You're not gonna want to do that.
Why not? Because you're married now, Opie.
And once you're married, the only female friends you can have are the ones that are grandfathered in, and even they better be really, really ugly.
Eddie, Steph and I happen to trust each other.
The last thing that would threaten either one of us Is Steph talking to the quarterback? Will you hold my plate? Salad.
That's not gonna silence the rumors.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Mr.
Woodcock.
Oh, is Steph your wife? Yes, Brian.
Mrs.
Woodcock is my wife.
So step off, hotshot.
What was that about? That kid is a nightmare, Steph.
The other day, I told him he couldn't wear sunglasses in class.
He cut my phone line off and glued my office door shut.
I was trapped in there for five periods.
Again, I'm sorry I thought all your frantic e-mails were a gag.
Excuse me.
You're Eddie, right? I'm Lucy.
I just joined your department.
Oh.
Hi.
Welcome.
Great.
See you in the hallway.
I have heard so much about you.
Everybody loves your class.
Oh, and here's my wife right now.
Hi.
Speak of the devil.
I'm Joy.
Lucy.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Anyway, I'm so new to all this.
I'd love to get together and just pick your brain about my syllabus.
Would it be okay if I gave you my number? Did you hear about my wife? Yes.
Hi.
Hi again.
Hi.
You know, I don't have a pen.
Me, neither.
I have one.
I can't believe you brought that spaghetti home.
Oh, come on.
There was plenty leftover for the shelter.
All right, we gotta make some room in here.
Are you still keeping this low-fat yogurt dream alive? Yes, Eddie, I am.
Okay, well, something's gotta go.
I'm looking at 20 pictures of Paul Newman here.
Why are you and I both so afraid to finish jelly? What are you doing? I'm throwing away Lucy's number.
Why? Because I've been in this marriage long enough to know that me dating another woman while I'm still married to you is probably a bad idea.
She is your colleague.
Yeah, a colleague with lady parts.
You think she's trying to date you? Get over yourself.
She doesn't want you.
And even if she did, you wouldn't do anything.
And even if you wanted to do something, you wouldn't know what to do.
Trust me, I'd know what to do.
Do you even know what's involved in having an affair? Everything that you're against.
Floral delivery, candlelit restaurants, rendezvous in seedy motels.
What are you gonna do, germ guy, bring your own bedspread? Okay, so what are you saying, it's okay to hang out with another woman? Yes.
Oh, come on.
Are you kidding? You would be so jealous.
Maybe you haven't noticed, but we We don't feel jealousy anymore.
We're dead inside.
What? Relax.
In a good way.
We're finally in a place in our relationship where we're totally secure because we both understand the other one has no other options.
No, no, no, I think we still get jealous.
Oh, come on.
I am the one who suggests we go to Hooters 'cause I like the buffalo wings.
And I don't get mad when you tip 40%.
Well, I still get jealous.
Really? What did you say to our gardener when you caught him peeking in the window at me in the shower? I said, "While you're there, you might want to prune the rhododendrons.
" Oh, my God, we are dead inside.
Give the lady a call.
You want me to call her? I do.
And this isn't gonna come back and bite me in the ass? No, that part of our relationship is dead also.
Hey.
Wayne, Brian, Sebastian.
Uh, hey, guys, you know, I love the smell of sweet cherry hickory as much as the next guy, but you cannot smoke a pipe in high school.
The thing is, my grandfather was an Indian chief.
My people have lost everything.
You want to take this away from me, too? Look, guys, I'm just trying to do my job here.
Please, can you give me a break? Hey.
Put the pipe out.
All right.
Sorry, Mr.
Woodcock.
Really? Well, thanks, guys.
Yeah, no problem.
Hey, and by the way, how's Mrs.
Woodcock? She's She's good.
Oh, no.
She's better than good.
She's a hottie.
Nice job with that.
Yeah.
Eddie, your date's here! Oh, look, you tucked in for her! Hi, Lucy.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you? Hello.
Welcome.
Come on in.
Thank you so much for having me over.
Why don't you two go in there and start your learning thing and maybe I'll fix you a snack.
Fantastic.
Please, sit down.
Thank you.
Now, for American history, I made a copy of my syllabus.
Wow.
So all of January is musket month? That's correct.
I know I spent a lot of time on warfare, but peace is kind of boring, don't you think? No.
It's good.
I mean, "The lessons of history are written "by the wounded, not the dead," right? Oh, my God, that's from Marshall Duffy's book, A Historical Take on History.
You know that book? What, are you kidding? He is my favorite author.
I love him.
Me, too.
You know, so many people think his book is boring.
I think his writing is phenomenal.
Well, if you like his writing, tell me what you think of his handwriting in this personal inscription made out to me! No way! "Keep making history.
" Eddie, this is awesome.
Yeah.
I kept the pen.
It's a Bic.
All right.
You know, he's speaking at that bookstore by school on Saturday.
Are you going? Well, I better be.
I'm moderating the Q&A.
Oh, my God, you're my hero.
No, no, no.
Duffy's the hero.
How about that chapter he wrote on the Teapot Dome scandal? I know.
He totally turns it on its head.
Yeah, finally somebody has Warren G.
Harding's back, right? We were out of cookies, so I defrosted some guacamole.
You know, I'm just really glad that someone is finally reminding us that it's Albert Fall who took that bribe.
Thank you.
And that son of a bitch Harry Sinclair and how he tampered with that jury.
I stuck my tongue in it.
I hope that's okay.
Oh, yeah That's sweet, honey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This chapter on the Oh, don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
The Tennessee Valley Authority.
Oh, he nailed that.
Yes! Yes! Anybody need a cigarette? Honey, when you asked me out for lunch, I kind of thought we were going someplace nice.
The cafeteria's not nice? Excuse me, we just recarpeted this pole.
Besides, you know, you get a chance to see me do my thing, meet some people.
Huh? Hey! Scott! Rahim, it's the wifeski.
Not too shabby, huh? Hey.
You want to go sit by the window? Hey, Mr.
Woodcock.
Hey, let's sit next to Brian.
Wait.
Isn't he the guy who glued you into your office? Yeah.
Yeah.
He's crazy.
He's awesome.
What you watching? Dog show.
The terriers are up.
Little legs, big hearts.
You know, our couch is an L.
You have a whole other wing over there.
I want to be close to you.
Okay.
I believe I have a pit open.
Wow.
If she's going to be running with that dog, she might want to get a better bra.
Yeah.
I bet those things weigh more than her beagle.
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah, he's here.
Hold on.
Lucy.
Oh, really? She probably wants to know when the book Q&A starts tomorrow.
Oh, she's going to that? Of course she is.
It's her favorite book.
Go for Eddie.
Really? Right now? What right now? What channel? What is it? The History Channel is re-enacting the entire Iran-Contra scandal.
But the doberman's about to mount the chihuahua.
Remind you of anything? Okay.
Oh, gosh, this is gonna be the 17 best hours of television ever.
You don't mind, do you, honey? No, no, you enjoy.
Oh, who's that playing Ronald Reagan? Oh, they got John Larroquette.
Ah, that looks just like the Oval Office.
No, no, never been, but I've seen American President nine times.
Oh, jellybeans on the desk.
Nice touch.
* Oh! * Oh, oh, baby Put down your Cosmo and shave your legs.
We're going out.
Really? Where are we going? Parking lot behind the water tower.
What? Yeah.
I'm gonna need you to wear something special, too.
This is nice.
I'm not wearing a camisole.
It's 10 degrees out.
All right, uh Oh, how about this nice warm sweater with some kitten tights, huh? Okay, Brian's got a curfew.
Chop-chop, we gotta move.
Brian? Jeff, this is insane.
We're not gonna go out with a bunch of high school kids.
Why are you doing this? Look, honey Honey, look.
I know this may come as a shock to you, but I was not that popular in high school.
I mean, sure, everyone in the magic club loved me, but outside of that world it was a very lonely place.
And I don't know how the hell I landed you, but You know, when I brought you in the other day, it was like it gave me this street cred that I've never had before, and I was able to become everything I never was in high school.
Honey, don't worry so much about being cool.
I've been with cool guys, a lot of cool guys.
Like, 15 of them.
This one guy, Dave, he was a Navy SEAL.
You could drop him out of a helicopter, like, anywhere in the world and he could survive.
He was really, really cool.
But I never loved any of them the way I love a nice nerdy guy like you.
Really? Yeah.
Let's stay home and be all nerdy together.
You want to show me a magic trick? Okay.
Don't move.
I gotta find my false thumb.
I'll be here.
Good afternoon every Okay, that isn't gonna That isn't That isn't necessary.
Um, I guess we'll go unplugged, as the, uh, young people say, uh, today.
Anyway, it is a, um, a great honor to introduce the author of one of the most influential books of our time.
The incomparable professor Marshall Duffy.
It's great to be here.
Oh, yes, young lady.
I had a question about your chapter on crops.
If indigo had been as stable a commodity as rice or cotton, what effect would that have had on the formation of the South Carolina aristocracy? Wow.
This crowd is throwing some heat.
That is a brilliant question.
Well, I never really considered that hypothetical.
Huh.
You just gave me the idea for my next book.
Next question.
Uh, young lady in the back.
Joy? Hi, Professor Duffy, amazing book.
Read all of it.
Anyway, on, uh, on page one of your book, you said that, "American history is always evolving.
" And then, um, quite a bit further on page one, you said that the Constitution is a constant.
How do you reconcile those ideas? Well, I think on page two I explain that that was the paradox of American history.
And then I spent the next And explore it you did.
I, for one, want to thank you for taking me on that journey.
Oh, I Actually, I have a follow-up question.
Uh, and this one is really, uh, more about your process.
Um, do you Do you write at home, or, like, at Starbucks? I'll take my answer sitting down.
The university is kind enough to lend me an office in a building that's named after me.
Okay, and we are back.
I think, uh, Lucy has another question.
Yes.
You claim that Eurasia's latitudinal geography accounts for their greater population density.
That's really more of a statement than a question.
My question is, weren't cultural and social differences also a factor? I was gonna ask that question! I have it right here.
Professor Duffy, look.
Excellent question, but I would contend that social and cultural differences are ultimately a product of geography.
Time to bring out the big guns.
Professor Duffy, I have another question.
Oh, dear God.
I noticed that your book was copyrighted in 2002, What went wrong in '04? Ok, I think that's enough of the questions.
Uh, this might be a great time Who would like to hear Professor Duffy read from the chapter on the Homestead Act? Huh? Okay, excuse me.
May I see you in Music, Art, and Dance, please? What? Are you out of your mind? What are you doing? I came here to hear Marshall Duffy speak about my new favorite book.
Oh, really? What's it called? Big Boring Book.
Uh-huh.
And maybe you can tell me why you're showing your melons like we're at a farmer's market.
Oh.
So you noticed.
I'm surprised you could take your eyes off your new girlfriend.
What? "Oh, do you like that book? I love that book.
" "Oh, I love that book.
" "Yes! Yes!" Oh, now, wait a minute.
You're mad at me? Yes, I'm mad at you.
About Lucy? You're the one who made me call her.
You're the one who gave her the pen.
You're the one who said it wouldn't bite me in the ass, and now I'm missing a big old hairy chunk! I'm sorry.
I'm jealous, okay? There, I said it.
I'm jealous.
Well, jealous of what? What? Joy, we're not even doing anything here? It's not about that stuff, Eddie.
It's about the way that your eyes light up when you talk about history with her.
We never connected over intellectual stuff.
We mostly just bonded over these.
Well, what's wrong about bonding over those? I love bonding over those.
As a matter of fact, when you were asleep last night, I bonded over those.
But are these enough? I mean, what about these? Well, look.
Joy, I love what's in your sweater, and I love what's up here, and I love when we do this.
I didn't know you were interested.
You want to bond over the book, we can bond over the book.
No, I don't want to bond over the book.
I hate the stupid book.
Not your book.
No, it's This book right here.
Charles Charles Dickens sucks.
Where does this leave us, huh? Well, I guess we're not dead inside.
Well, I guess we're not.
That's a good thing, right? Yeah, that's a good thing.
So what do you want me to do? I say you toss that history hussy's phone number away, and let's go home and bond over these while I'm still awake.
All right.
Hey, hey, hey, wait.
Could we just wait until he's done with the Homestead Act chapter? This part kind of gets me a little fired up.
Hello.
Okay.
Honey, slow down.
Just tell me what happened.
You're glued into your office again? Oh, my God.
Did you do magic for the guys? I begged you not to do that.
Tell me you didn't wear your cape.
I'm sorry, cloak.
You wore it to the cafeteria? Okay, Babe, okay.
Don't freak out.
If you freak out, the rabbit will freak out.
I'll be right there.