'Til Death s01e15 Episode Script

The Bachelor Party

A 9-year-old metro girl has a new lease on life thanks to surgery at the Hospital for Sick Children Ow! What are you doing? What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm playing footsie.
Okay, footsie would imply something cute and playful.
You're sawing through my Achilles tendon with your big toenail.
Well, it's fun.
It's frisky and Might I even say, a little naughty.
No offense, but if you're trying to get things started here, your feet probably shouldn't be playing a role.
I mean, you want me thinking about sex, right? Not, "How do I escape this razor-clawed creature from the forest?" All right.
It's just that, you know It's been a few weeks, and What? No.
What about the day that I came home from the market after discovering that they now make sloppy joes in a squirt bottle? That led to some pretty hot action.
Yeah, but that was That was like a month ago.
It was? Yeah.
Listen, trust me, I don't quickly forget the day where I have sex with you, plus squeezable meat.
I'm going to say thank you, although I'm not sure why.
All right, let's do this.
Excuse me.
What was that? What? It's nothing.
I'm just working on a little cold, that's all.
Look See Here's the thing.
I'm doing this risk-reward analysis in my head, and I don't know.
I mean, already I'm picturing it's me having sex with, like, germ guys from the commercials, you know, with the helmets and the pickaxes, and I I just I think those guys are for foot fungus.
Well, either way, I'm out.
* All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Okay, from downtown for the win! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Man, there is nothing more electric than high school girls' basketball.
We should probably keep it down.
I don't want Cofeld's wife coming down here and yelling at us like last time.
Oh, no worries.
She's not even here.
She's at a bridal shower for her sister's wedding.
Or, should I say, "civil union.
" What does that mean? It means Denise is marrying Janet.
Thanksgiving is about to get a whole lot easier for the only black guy in the family.
So, how does that work? Like, one of them has a bridal shower, and then the other one has, like, a bachelor party? Do gay people even have bachelor parties? I didn't have a bachelor party.
Question asked, question answered.
You didn't have a bachelor party? What happened? Nothing.
Just discussed it with Steph, and we decided I'm not really a bachelor-party kind of guy.
Hold on.
You mean, Steph told you you're not a bachelor-party kind of guy.
Every guy is a bachelor-party kind of guy.
It's a last taste of freedom before they cut off our cranberries and put them in a jar.
Mine was crazy.
We rented an RV.
And my brother got girls who knew gymnastics and stuff.
Mmm! You think that was crazy? I'm still wanted in the state of Delaware.
I made out with a dude.
Too bad those days are over.
I don't know.
We have someone here in our midst who never had a shot at a bachelor party.
What do you say we right some wrongs? Yeah, yeah.
I like what I'm hearing.
And I vote for an activity that includes naked girls.
Or Sea World.
I like my idea.
All right.
This is what we'll do.
We'll get a little dressed-up, we'll grab a few drinks, and there's three of us here, so we could split the limo.
There's four of us.
What? Oh! Right, yeah.
There's There's four of us.
I wasn't counting myself.
So, what do you say? Saturday night we'll do Jeff's bachelor party.
Guys, can I point out one little flaw here? I'm not a bachelor.
I'm already married.
There's no way Steph would allow me to do this.
And that's exactly why you do it.
You have to stand up for yourself.
Your wife doesn't decide whether you're allowed to see other naked women.
Actually, I think she does.
If it's not in our vows, I'm pretty sure it was implied.
You know what? I give up.
Okay? Just forget it.
Forgot that I was talking to Mr.
"I respect and love my wife" here.
It's really sad.
So sad.
Sad, sad, sad.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, all right.
You guys want to throw me a bachelor party? Let's have a bachelor party.
All right.
I'm not gonna let my wife tell me what I can and can't do.
You know what? No.
You're not doing this.
Oh, you can't just say no! But we've discussed this.
You're not a bachelor-party guy.
No, no, no.
You said I'm not a bachelor-party kind of guy.
And guess what? You don't get to decide whether or not I'm allowed to see other naked women.
Uh, I sure as hell do.
Yeah, I thought that sounded wrong.
Come on! Let me have a bachelor party.
Please? Okay, fine.
Have your post-wedding bachelor party.
Have a great time.
I will.
So, you're okay with it.
Hey, can I get you a snack? I love you.
Okay, I'm heading out.
How's the cold? How's my little trooper doing? I think I'm dying.
Oh, this one with the humor! Fantastic.
Okay, look, I got you a little pick-me-up.
And it's with aloe, so your face won't bleed anymore, okay? All right.
I gotta get going, get this thing over with.
Yeah, I'm sure you're dreading going out and meeting eight different women named Cinnamon.
Well, listen, tonight is for Jeff.
And I just don't want to disappoint the youngster.
Oh, please.
I heard you in the shower singing, Whoomp! There It Is.
All right, listen.
I know on the outside it probably looks like this is the most excited I've been in three years.
But on the inside, there is no place I would rather be than right next to you.
So, just say the word, and I won't go.
Don't go.
You're serious? No.
Go! Okey-dokey.
That's my gal! Gentlemen, here we are.
Flesh Gardens.
Breathe it in, boys.
That's the sweet smell of baby powder, chicken wings, and the exhaust of a 737 that just landed across the street.
This is great.
This is totally worth the constant, echoey silence that is now my marriage.
You know what? Time to check the wife talk in the lobby, okay? And what do you say we lose the Indiana Jones hat? No, Eddie.
This? This is my party hat.
You would not believe the kind of action I've seen in this hat.
Did any of it involve running from a giant boulder? No! If you must know, I wore this hat At the end of Casablanca when you had to get on that plane? Just forget it, okay? And don't mess with my party hat.
I haven't seen a naked lady besides my wife in 20 years.
Except on that dirty deck of cards I managed to save from childhood.
I'm extremely terrified right now.
Okay, gentlemen.
No touching, groping, fondling of the dancers.
If you disrespect the ladies, you will be removed by me.
I believe that, my brother.
Come on.
Give me a little.
Come on.
All right.
I guess this isn't gonna happen.
Okay, let's Let's go.
Gentlemen, wedding rings off.
All right.
You know what? Let's go sit down.
Anybody bring any singles? I didn't know what these gals expect in tips, so, I went to the bank and took out $700 in ones.
Yeah, I think you're good.
Okay, sit down.
Oh, hey! What's up, fellas? Hey, there he is! Hey! Hey, Cofeld.
Ooh! Let's get the party started! Mmm! Hey, guys! You brought your wife? Oh, yeah, man.
It turns out she's into this kind of stuff.
She's cool, man! She's cool! Oh, my God, Eddie.
That one looks just like your daughter.
Oh, please, God, no.
Come in! Hi, Joy.
Jeff said you weren't feeling well, so I thought I'd pop over and see how you're doing.
Oh, that's nice.
Pretty bad, yeah.
Pretty contagious.
Doctor said a thing like this could just, you know, leap off of me and Attack anybody who's around me.
So Oh! I'm not worried about me.
The most important thing is we get you healthy.
I have some great homeopathic remedies here.
Oh, no, no.
I'm good.
I was just about to take enough cold medicine to start a meth lab in my belly.
You could take what all the big pharmaceutical companies have trained you to take, or you could let nature heal you and put this stick up your nose.
As soothing as that sounds, I'm not really the greatest sick person.
So, I hope that you'll forgive me for what I'm about to say.
Get out.
I was just feeling a little bummed about Jeff's skeevy bachelor party and I thought I could come over here and take care of you.
But Feel better.
Come back.
You can't let this thing with Jeff bother you.
Why does he have to go to a strip club? We have a great sex life.
I'll do anything.
I mean, anything.
That's nice, honey.
But Jeff is just like Eddie.
He's a good guy.
But even good guys occasionally feel the need to go out and act like complete dumbasses.
Come on.
You've known Jeff a long time.
He must have done something like this before.
Well, one time he had too much sugar and said some pretty nasty things about Ronald Reagan in front of my grandpa.
The point is that at the end of the day, the worst thing that could happen is that Jeff gets called up on stage, a naked girl rides him like a horse, and they run off and start a new life together.
Kidding! I'm kidding.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Bless you.
Thank you.
You know, I really wish you'd try some of this stuff.
I got this special tea from a Lakota Indian shaman.
It's good stuff.
Like, "not legal outside the Sioux nation" good.
It'll bend your head, man.
You get the tea going.
I'll put on Dark Side of the Moon.
* She's my cherry pie * Cool drink of water I just don't understand why anybody likes this.
I mean, this is not erotic.
It's a billion-dollar industry.
Somebody likes something.
This is my bachelor party, people.
Can we focus on the ladies? All right, thank you.
That was pleasant.
Now my hair's wet.
Eddie, it's just water.
What do you mean, it's just My whole head is wet and I'm sitting under a vent.
"Knock, knock.
Who's there?" "Pneumonia!" "Come on in!" Here you go.
Get yourself some more comfortable shoes.
Excuse me, but I think there should be a posting or some kind of warning if there's gonna be water in your act.
So, it's your bachelor party.
When are you getting married? Oh, I actually got married six months ago.
This is like a do-over.
Isn't the whole point of a bachelor party to still be a bachelor? Could you switch places with the Little Bo Peep? She strikes me as less judgmental.
Hey there, handsome.
I'm not comfortable here.
I can tell.
Maybe you should take a little break and come with me to the Champagne Room.
Is there champagne there? There's anything you want there.
That sounds classy.
Excuse me! Laura? Laura? Oh, my God! Nicole! You two know each other? Yeah.
We did a Mommy & Me class together.
Okay, this isn't good.
So, how's little Michael? Oh, he's great.
How is your baby boy? Oh, not a baby anymore.
This is little Joshua and his grandfather taking a bath together.
Adorable! So, how did things work out with that breast pump? Not so good.
You'll see in a minute.
Uh, good night, everybody.
Come on, let's go.
We're leaving? Mmm-hmm.
I was just starting to enjoy this! Now, come on, honey.
We'll talk all about it in the minivan.
Call me.
Thanks for bringing her by.
God, I love this tea.
It makes me feel unconquerable.
Hey, do you see that hawk on top of the TV? No.
Wait No.
I gotta be honest, Steph.
It's a little surprising that someone like you would have tea like this! It's no big deal, really.
Just After my freshman year at college, I was hitchhiking through South Dakota when I met this Native American guy.
He was super hot.
Like, long, black hair, and really in shape, but not from the gym, just from, like, climbing stuff.
Anyway, we spent a pretty wild couple of weeks camping out, and before he left, he gave me these herbs.
It didn't work out, but every couple of months, I mail him 100 bucks and he sends me more in a hollowed-out teddy bear.
And to think when I first met you, I thought you were a nitwit.
And I thought you were a real bitch.
You know what else? What? Check out this tattoo.
Oh! Jeff thinks it's the Native American symbol for serenity.
But it really means "John Thunderclaw.
" Oh, my God.
There goes the hawk.
I'm actually starting to find stripping boring.
I've counted six girls dancing nude with nicotine patches.
Eddie, can you not talk about what's wrong with the strippers? I never want to hear again, "Hey, look.
That one's balding.
" Oh! Oh, look! Something very naughty is happening with my hat! Yeah.
Maybe she can give it to her friend and cover the bald spot.
Oh, my God.
Stan, what happened? There's no champagne in the champagne room.
Only shame.
I'm gonna walk over to the airport to see if they have a 24-hour chapel.
Well, I guess we should call it a night, too.
What? Eddie, the night's just getting started! Hey, man! Hey, what about the bachelor party? Yeah, well, you know what, Jeff? I think this looked a lot better on paper.
Should have stayed home with the sick wife.
At least I know what diseases she has.
Do you realize what I went through with the wife to get this night? You understand how mad Steph is at me? You know, someone keyed my car, and I think it was her.
Yeah, well, you know what? I'm sorry about that.
But the night's over, and besides, my friends left.
Oh, right.
Your friends left.
Come on.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah.
I think I do.
Let's just go.
Excuse me, miss? I'm sorry.
I love your act, but I was just on my way out, and I just needed to get my hat back.
Hey, hey, hey! Put those hands down! Sorry.
I was just trying to get my hat.
You need to try to get your ass out of here.
I would love to.
It's just, the The other young lady with the tassels, she disappeared with my hat.
So, if you'd be so kind as to Excuse me.
Can you just get my friend his hat back? I think it's time for both of you to leave.
You're a striking man.
Amazing arms like tree trunks.
Do you use those squishy, springy hand things to I, uh Eddie, we could go.
It's fine.
You sure? Yeah.
Eddie, what are you doing? Hey, hey! Get down from there! Leave me alone.
Get back here! Leave me alone.
Party boy! Get back here! No! You're hurting me! Get back here! Run, Woodcock! Run like the wind! You don't think it makes me look too tall? It's good! It's good! Okay.
All right, now listen.
Remember, our wives have probably spent the entire evening eating their cookie-dough ice cream and crying about what we've been doing tonight, all right? So, listen.
No matter what happens on the other side of this door, do not show the guilt.
Got it.
I don't know what happened here, buddy.
But I think you're off the hook.

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