'Til Death s01e16 Episode Script

The Italian Affair

Hello! Hey.
You're supposed to be spring-cleaning.
I found my old headphones.
Yeah, and the left side still works, except you have to hold the cord like this, or you get a pretty good shock.
You know what? We agreed that you are not allowed to go through the throw-out pile.
Come in.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Oh, we just wanted to see if you guys wanted to join us for an ice cream walk.
It's 10 degrees outside.
That's the best part.
By the time you get there, you don't even want ice cream.
It's just pure exercise.
Pure exercise? Get out of here! No, really, get out of here.
I'm going out.
When I come back, I want a throw-out pile bigger than me.
Oh, come on, that's not fair.
Do you have any idea how big you are? I could live in one of your pant legs, Sasquatch.
The woman has no idea that everything I save has a purpose.
Hey, what's this? Floppy disk! Oh, yeah, that's for my Commodore 64.
I'll tell you what.
Just stuff it in your pants until the heat's off.
Hey! An old roll of film! Who knows what could be on there? Yeah.
It's like a little time capsule.
Boy, I bet there's a lot of old memories on there.
I got enough memories.
Eddie! Wait, don't be silly.
You know, we're running errands later.
We'll just get it developed for you.
Uh-uh! Look, don't even worry about it.
Bet I know why.
Someone took naked pictures.
The only naked picture Joy took of me is when she wanted to show my doctor something.
Yeah, Steph, people talk about taking naked pictures, but nobody actually does it.
Some people Well, hello! You've taken naked pictures? With who? Honey, you know what happens when we go down this road.
You always end up in the shower, weeping.
That's not what always happens.
Whatever you say, honey.
Hey, hey, this conversation isn't over! Can you believe her? What are you doing? Are you Googling my wife? Don't worry.
Nothing's coming up.
Wait a minute.
Nah, you're good.
* All right! * Hey! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Hey, Eddie, I developed your pictures.
Good for you.
Look at this.
I just washed my Smell that canvas.
Sweet! Well, if those clean sneakers get you excited, wait till you see these pictures.
Now, based on Joy's acid-washed jeans and your mullet, I'm guessing 1986.
Ah, look at you holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
You never told me you guys went to Italy.
Give me that! You never saw these.
What? These don't exist! You understand? Eddie, what the hell's going on? Listen.
There are certain mistakes you make in life, things that are so wrong, that you're so ashamed of, that the only thing you can do is bury the memory.
Bury it deep.
Is this about your mullet? Because I think you pulled it off.
That is not a mullet! That is a Dr.
J in the front and a Michael Douglas in the back.
" Well, then what happened in Italy that was so bad? What I did in Italy is the worst thing I have ever done.
Joy and I had been dating for a little over six months and we decided to take a trip.
Now, a lot of people will say that Italy has great food, beautiful art and breathtaking scenery.
What they don't tell you is, it's a foreign country.
It's like Mexico with pasta.
Plus, it didn't help that I hadn't moved my bowels in two weeks.
Anyway, everything came to a head when we went to catch our flight home.
We were rushing for the shuttle bus that would take us to our plane.
All of a sudden, I realized Joy wasn't behind me.
I finally spot her dawdling at a case full of this God-awful Murano glass.
It was like crack to her.
I frantically tried to get her attention, but by the time she snaps out of it, the bus to our plane is gone.
Well, I was furious.
And that's when I did it.
The thing I am most ashamed of.
I spanked Joy.
One swat on the butt, like she was a bratty little kid.
Two seconds later, another bus pulls up, and I realized what I had done.
We had a 19-hour journey home in complete silence.
We broke up five minutes after we landed, right there at baggage claim.
She didn't even stick around to see if my backpack made it.
And then, a few months later, we finally got back together.
But in 20 years, we never spoke of Italy again.
It was awful.
That's why it had to be repressed, because there was no forgiveness for what I did, only denial.
And we're gonna keep it that way.
You are not to say a word about this to anybody.
Not a soul.
As far as you know, these pictures do not exist.
God, my hair was magnificent.
So? How'd they like the pictures of Italy? Yeah, Steph, about those, I'm gonna need you to swear that you're never gonna mention those to Joy.
Why can't I mention them to Joy? I can't tell you.
Of course you can! I'm your wife! Eddie knows that when he said not to tell anyone, that doesn't include me.
No, he specifically mentioned you.
All right, don't tell me.
But sooner or later, you are gonna have to tell Senor Pinches! No A- pinch! A-pinch! A- pinch, a-pinch a- pinchy, pinchy! No more Senor Pinches! I can't tell you.
How about if I guess? If I guess, will you tell me? No.
He smuggled drugs in his butt? I'm not playing.
Espionage? Spying? Spy killer? Did he kill a spy? No.
Did he hurt someone? He hurt someone? Did he hurt Joy? He really hurt Joy? Oh, God, he had an affair, didn't he? How did she find out about it? Did he give her some sort of weird '80s VD? No, Steph, he didn't have an affair.
It was nothing like that.
All right, look.
I'll tell you, but you got to promise that you're not gonna tell a soul.
All right? In Italy, Eddie spanked Joy.
Oh, my Wait.
What? Spanked her.
Like, sexy spanking? We've done that! Remember Naughty Washer Woman? Puerto Rico? Wasn't me.
Oh, that's right.
Is that where these, uh, naked pictures were from? Huh? It's very warm down there, and I was drunk, like, the whole time Okay, you know what? I don't think I want to hear any more.
Just promise me that you're never gonna mention Puerto Rico or Eddie and Joy's trip to Italy ever again, okay? Okay! Why do you have a picture of them on your mug? Oh, the guy at the photo shop asked me if I wanted one.
Steph, sometimes, when a man asks you something, it's okay to say no.
Hey! Whoa, whoa! What are you doing out here, darling? You don't want to be out at the trashcans.
You know those raccoons.
They'll peel your arm like a banana.
I'm throwing away the dog brushes and shampoos.
It's been seven years since Stanley ran away.
Face it.
He's not coming back.
Well, then I guess we can add hope to the list of things you're throwing out.
Anyway, our trashcans are full.
Why don't you throw it out over at the Woodcocks' over there? You don't think they'll mind? Oh, come on.
They won't even notice.
I've been stealing their firewood all winter.
Not a peep.
Is this us? Let me see it.
Oh, well.
Guess we'll never know.
Look at you.
Skinny then, skinny now.
Hey, Steph, I'm home! They had a two-for-one special on canned tomatoes.
I got four cans! I'm in here! Hey.
Are we getting new passports? Look, Jeff, I know it bothers you that I've done certain things with other people, so I thought if I did all the things with you that I did with them, you'll feel better.
Really? Yeah.
So what do you say we take some pictures? Uh Yeah! This is fantastic.
I thought the special on the tomatoes was gonna be the highlight of my day.
All right! Let's do this.
Take your clothes off.
What? We both get naked, set the timer, and make some memories.
Oh Steph, I don't know.
I You know, I had a chicken pot pie for lunch.
I feel puffy.
Don't worry! You look beautiful.
Oh, Steph, I don't know.
It's a little chilly, you know? All right.
I can see you're nervous.
Let's just take a couple of shots to loosen you up.
That's it! You never done this professionally? No! You could! Come on, give me a couple of buttons.
Show me something.
What if I ever want to run for office? Don't worry! These'll be very tasteful.
Drop your pants and roar like a tiger.
So, you okay? Fine! Fine.
Super-fine! You don't seem like you're fine.
What do I seem like, Eddie? Huh? You know me so well.
What do I seem like? Fine.
Here, Joy, let me help you with that.
No, it's okay.
No, come on.
I want to do it.
Let me.
I gotta be honest.
I have no idea where this thing goes.
Right, now, see, that's why I think you're a little not-fine.
You know what? I cannot believe that this stupid thing has come up again.
It was 20 years ago.
And I know that it shouldn't matter.
Let's just Let's just forget the whole thing ever happened.
Okay? Can we do that? Can we just make some dinner, and we just won't think about it? Done.
It's It's gone.
We will never think about it again.
Okay? Okay.
All right.
Yeah? Hey! It's the big guy! Come on in, my friend.
What happened to you? What didn't happen to me? You know what I'm saying? I don't think I want to know.
Let me tell you, it's bad over there tonight, Jeffrey, okay? Joy found your mug.
And the T-shirt.
And this mouse pad! What's she doing rooting around my trash? You know, I bet she's the one stealing our firewood.
Well, it's bad.
Let me tell you, it's bad over there.
She won't even talk to me about it.
She won't even fight with me about it.
She says everything is fine, but it's not fine.
It's the opposite of fine.
At least if I was an alcoholic, I'd have my own support group.
But us spankers? We got nothing! Gee, Eddie, I'm sorry.
Can I get you something? Hey, you want to try my sauce? It's the real deal.
I want to get my wife back.
Can your sauce get my wife back? Can your sauce make this Italy thing go away? It's not magic sauce.
Hey, but maybe this'll help.
You know what Steph and I have been doing for the past three hours? Huh? We have been taking naked pictures of each other.
Maybe you should do the same thing.
Look, Joy's already mad at me enough.
If I take pictures of you guys What I mean is, me and Steph took a negative experience from our past that bothered us Well, me, and we turned it into a positive one.
Now, look.
Maybe you can't go back to Italy, but you can do something here.
You know? Use your imagination.
Think big.
Plan something great.
But whatever you do, take back Italy! Okay, here's the thing.
You're gonna have to repeat everything you just said, 'cause about 20 seconds ago, your robe shifted.
Okay, one more step, and Ta-da! This is the big surprise? We're at a restaurant at dinnertime.
Let me guess: We're eating here! Yes, we are, and the big surprise is, they only take reservations.
And guess what I did.
I made a reservation.
That's right.
I made a call, and I sweet-talked my new friend Ramon, and he slipped us right in.
Reservation for two, "Stark.
" Um Nope.
I don't have a record for your reservation.
You got to be kidding me.
" As in barren, bleak.
What do you mean? I talked to the guy for one hour.
Is Ramon here? Can you please get Ramon? Ramon, our morning cleanup guy? Did it sound like he had been drinking? Okay, you know what? I have a PowerBar in the glove compartment.
I will meet you in the car.
No, no, no, no.
We are eating here.
Now, now, listen.
I have a lot of surprises coming here tonight, okay? So we have to make this happen.
Now, I don't carry cash when I come downtown, but how about a free yogurt with your choice of topping and a wallet-sized photo of Jessica Alba? Huh? There may be a cancellation later.
Oh Oh Will you do your best? I would appreciate Let's go.
We'll just go wait over here, huh? Thank you.
That's good.
All right.
Let's see.
Excuse me.
What's your name? John.
John, party of three? Two.
I think they just called your name.
Joy? Just sit right on down right there, huh? Isn't this great? Oh, I've got a sticky stool.
Excuse me.
How much for the entire basket? $400.
Wow! Okay.
Just give me the one, please, and put that on my bill, will you? For my bella donna.
I guess I'll just hold this the rest of the night.
The rest of this special night.
Huh? Okay, stay right here, do not go anywhere.
Hello, fellas.
We ran into a little bit of a glitch.
So we're gonna be a little later than we thought.
Why don't you wait outside, huh? It's really cold out there.
All right.
Well, why don't you start playing something while we wait, huh? It's awfully crowded in here.
What do you want me to do, rent you a hall? Get fiddling.
What is that? Is that beautiful music to teleport us back to the old country? No, I believe that's Devil Went Down to Georgia.
Eddie, what is going on here? What is going on here? I'm gonna tell you what is going on here.
Tonight, we are going to rewrite that fateful trip that happened 20 years ago.
We're gonna take the bad memories, and we're gonna replace them with good ones.
Tonight, we're gonna take back Italy.
Did you not hear me when I told you that I wanted to forget this whole humiliating thing ever happened? No, I heard you, but I ignored you.
You see, because we can't We can't bury this anymore, 'cause just when you think it's gone away, it comes back, like that weird rash I get around my undergroin.
What can I do? You know what? I don't know, Eddie.
I don't think there's anything you can do.
You can't unspank me.
Well Well, then, spank me! Spank me, Joy! Spank me like I stole money from Mommy's purse! Okay, you know what? Believe it or not, Eddie, this is not less humiliating for me.
Well, how are we gonna get past this, huh? If this thing is still so horrible to you, then why did you even take me back in the first place? I don't know! Because you were crying, and you were begging, and you had never done that before.
Well, you walked away, and you had never done that before.
Maybe I saw what a jerk you were and I realized I could do better! Well, maybe I realized I couldn't! Look, that spank changed everything.
I thought I lost you.
And for the first time in my life, I realized how much you meant to me and how much I would fight to get you back.
What more do you want, lady? So you've been suffering with this for 20 years? I've been miserable.
Crushed by guilt? Yes.
God, that pleases me! Come here, baby.
So that's it? We're good? Now we're good.
Hey, who was that guy? I don't know.
Looks like someone I used to work with.
Well, well, well.
Hello there, young master Jeffrey.
Where on Earth are your pants? This is gonna look great on a baseball cap.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode