'Til Death s02e03 Episode Script

Come Out and Play

Oh, you folks are going to have to move.
This is our table.
How's that? We put the ketchups there.
You think you can hold a table with condiments? That is just adorable.
Um, we have our children here.
Well, I guess the whole family learned a lesson.
All right, let's go order, babe.
What do you want? - The usual.
- All right.
Oh, god.
What? That's lucas bender over there.
He's the vice_ principal of a snooty private school.
He lured away our drama teacher with the promise of a fog machine.
I hate that pretentious little - hey! - Hey! Big guy! What are you doing here, public_ school guy? Huh? Shouldn't you be figuring out a way to tell the kids there isn't going to be any more music class? Oh, anyway who is this beauty? Hi.
I'm steph, jeff's wife.
Are you guys doing a bit? Because one of these things is not like the other.
What are you saying? I think he's saying i'm better_ looking than you.
I know what he's saying.
I get it.
Lucas bender, vice_principal circle of learning and scholastic study for youth, A.
, Classy.
Good talk.
Hey, by the way, I'm starting a faculty basketball league, and I was hoping you and your pear_ shaped colleagues at churchill wanted to play.
I mean, of course, if the $25 sign_ up fee isn't too steep for you.
I have a discretionary fund.
I can move some things around.
That's great.
Then I'll pencil you in to play us first game of the season.
Ok? We provide refs and water and special lockers for your bonnets and sun dresses.
Oh! See? That's funny because I'm saying you play like girls.
Well, I think we'll be all right.
Why don't you look behind you? Say hello to eddie stark, the tallest history teacher in the contiguous 48 states.
Guilty as charged.
It's all there on the recorded but unaired segment on npr.
So, you work at churchill, huh? So I don't know what your situation is over there, but I would love to take you to dinner so we can talk.
I'm a little behind here.
Why is this guy hitting on me? He's the guy whose ass you and jeff are going to kick in the faculty basketball game.
Oh, eddie is great at basketball.
His nickname was drano because he could drain it from anywhere on the floor.
Go on.
Tell them.
Well, I just took what god gave me, mixed it in with a little hard work, and the results are pretty spectacular.
Ha ha.
And, uh who is this little snack cake? I'm joy.
Pull yourself together, huh? com/bbs=- proudly presents Season 02 Episode 03 "Till death" is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Gentlemen, our opponents this week call themselves classy.
Here's what they really are.
ASSY "Assy" doesn't make you guys laugh? What are you, dead inside? Hey, what's up, superstars! Huh? Ooh.
All right, should we practice or cut right to the incredibly uncomfortable group shower? All right.
My franchise is here.
Now, I'm going to make our game strategy real easy to remember_ _ get the ball to tall.
Ok? All right.
Lay_ up lines.
Let's do it! All right.
I have a little warm_ up thing i do on my own.
It's a strict stretching regimen that I learned from a doctor once_ _ dr.
You do what you got to do, big man.
All right! Let's get this party started! Son of a_ _ aah! Aah! - Easy.
- Ok.
We're almost there.
Jeff, are you doing anything over there at all? I'm trying, but everything i grab has hair on it.
Oh! No, easy, easy.
It's the hammy again.
She's screaming at me.
Cut it off! Just cut it off! All right.
This is ok.
It's just a game.
Eddie, the important thing is that you rest and take time to heal.
We'll be fine without you.
Heal, damn it! Heal! Take the pain! Put it in me! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I don't even touch me that way.
Feel better, eddie.
Sorry jeff touched your junk.
Oh, my leg! Why would I use my bad leg? That was a stupid call! Help.
Eddie, what's going on? I faked my injury.
Yeah, I got that.
Why? I can't tell you.
It's too embarrassing.
Come on, eddie.
Lower the walls.
It's me steph.
I barely know you.
The other day, I called you sabrina.
You have to tell me.
All right.
I I've never said this out loud before.
I'm bad at basketball.
Don't look at me.
Look away.
How could you be bad at basketball? You're so tall.
See, there it is.
And that's what I've been dealing with my whole life.
Because just assume because I'm 6' 8" that I would be great at ball.
Ok? Well, I'm not.
Do you know what it's like living under that kind of pressure? People constantly calling you "big man" when you feel so small inside? Eddie, with all due respect, I think you're blowing this way out of proportion.
I don't think anybody else really cares that much.
Oh? Do you know that that is the only reason why joy and i got together? What? Our first date was awful_ _ bad food, stilted conversation.
At one point, I sneezed, and a small fart came out.
Anyway, I thought i would never see her again.
And then she saw my high school yearbook, and she started going through it, and she saw the picture of me on the basketball team, and I start making up these crazy stories, that I took the school to 2 state finals.
And the truth is, the coach never played me.
And shortly after that we did the nasty.
You and the coach? No.
Me and joy.
Eddie, how could you lie like that to your own wife? I didn't know that she would end up being the one.
I mean, at that point, she was just a cute french major with big cans.
- Eddie! - What? I'm a guy.
A week before, I told some girl that I was training to be an astronaut.
If I married her, I'd be sitting in a space suit right now.
Eddie, you have to tell joy.
She loves you.
She'll accept you for who you are.
No, I I couldn'T.
You're faking injuries, lying to the people you love.
How long are you going to run away from the truth? I'm so tired.
No more secrets, big man.
I'm about to set you free.
You're in your gym clothes.
I was going to stop by on the way home from work and do some cardio, but then I didn'T.
What you looking at, your old yearbook? Yeah.
Look at you.
"The legend of drano.
" You were a man among boys.
Seriously, look at this guy.
He looks like he's 10 years old.
Not in the locker room, he didn'T.
You know, uh it's funny how someone's appearance makes you assume something about them that really isn't true.
Look, I didn't go to the gym, ok? Get off my back.
Honey sit.
Sit down for me.
I I need to talk to you about the game on saturday.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I invited the girls from the office.
You did? Yeah.
I guess I'm just I'm so excited.
This is the first time i'm ever going to see you actually play.
That can't be.
Yeah, it's true.
There was the one time that you were going to play in the family picnic, and you accidentally threw the ball into the lake.
- You remember that? - Uh_ huh.
And then and the other time was we were walking through the park, and those guys asked you to play in the pickup game, remember? And you had a seizure.
That was A it was a scary time.
It was a scary_ _ listen, I, um I need to tell you something.
My god.
You are cute in those shorts.
I am? Yeah.
I mean, look at that young, taut body.
I got to tell you, if I knew you back then, I would have taken you under the bleachers, and I would have rocked your world.
Well, well.
I would have rocked your world because I was so good at basketball.
All right.
Well, you know what? You go to hell! Who was that? The school librarian.
She's 6' 2", but she won't play in the games.
Something about her grandkids and blah, blah, blah.
Oh, um, steph a quick question.
Hypothetically, if I were to lose a bet to a vice_principal from another school and you had to, say, dance in a bikini while he hosed you down on the roof of his condo is that something we could bounce back from? I'm gonna make a phone call.
I tried.
I tried, but I can't tell her.
What? Yeah.
I've got to play in the game now on saturday.
And to make matters worse, she's bringing the hens from her office.
They already know about my occasional deficiencies as a morning lover and now this.
What if you were dancing in a one_ piece and it was not in his condo? Huh? Oh, eddie.
Are you ok? I am great.
I am back in the game.
Bet's back on! Get ready to lose your moped, douche.
I'm screwed.
I'm a fraud.
I am milli and/or vanilli.
Which one was the tall one? I don't know.
I wasn't alive then.
Ok, I know you're in a tough spot, but I thincan help.
I played basketball in high school until I gave it up to smoke cigarettes.
All I need to do is teach you one move.
Really? You think you can do that? I know I can.
Here we go.
I really appreciate this.
All right.
Shake it off.
Ooh! Ok.
All right.
One more time.
Do it again.
Do it again.
This is the one? All right.
Oh, god.
This is ridiculous.
You're, like, this far away.
It just doesn't feel normal.
But you know what? Maybe I'm right_ handed.
You've been using your right hand.
Maybe I'm left_ handed.
You don't know which hand you are? Oh, my god! Maybe i'm not handed! Joy's going to find me out.
Jeff is making bets based on my talent.
Everything is piling up on me! And the game is tomorrow! What am I going to do? You're pretty boned, dude.
Get in the basket, you round orange son of a bitch.
- Eddie.
- Hey.
What the hell is going on? It's the middle of the night.
Yeah, well, I told myself around until I made a thousand shots.
That was hours ago.
How many have you made? Sixish.
All right.
Well, will you keep it down? I'm looking at a really rough morning.
My midnight snack took a weird turn from a bowl of cap'n crunch to a bottle of chardonnay.
Good night.
I'm not a good basketball player.
Well, you're a little rusty.
It's a faculty game.
Come on.
You'll be fine.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
I've never been a good basketball player.
What about the yearbook picture? They called you drano.
Well, they didn't call me that because I could shoot, ok? One time before a game, I threw up into the water fountain, and it took them 3 bottles of drano to clean that thing out.
That's disgusting.
What the hell is going on here? Why wod you lie to me after all these years? Because I had to.
What are you talking about? All right.
Do you remember our first date? The only reason you didn't walk out on me that night is because you saw icture on the basketball team.
That's not true.
I liked other stuff about you.
Yeah? Well, what other stuff? Stuff.
Shut up.
I married you, didn't I? Yeah, you married big, tall eddie, the basketball superstar.
Hey, well, it was my lie that got us here today.
So you can't be mad at me about that.
I'm not.
Men have told bigger lies than that to get a ticket on this ride.
What I am pissed about is that you feel that after 20 years, you need to keep secrets from me, especially about basketball.
I mean, what did you think that I was going to say? "My 45_ year_ old husband can't dunk.
I want a divorce! " I once missed an exit on the expressway, and you almost beheaded me.
You run hot and cold.
Eddie, if I were going to make a list of reasons why i would leave you, your lack of basketball skills would run a distant third to your wardrobe and the way you In the shower.
I have a deviated septum.
I'm sorry, but I guess everything just has been building up in my head for so long.
You know, I never told anyone this, but when allison was born, I was so relieved that she was a girl because i couldn't imagine how I was going to relate to a boy without being able to play all those sports.
I I was so scared.
Baby, you're a giant awkward, oddly beautiful man, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
So you really don't care that I can't play basketball? I SO REAL DONT CARE I FEEL SO LIGHT SO FREE I'm tall, and I can't play ball.
I'm tall, and i can't play ball! Shut up! Sorry.
And the good news is you can stop lying.
You don't ever, ever have to play basketball again in your life.
Oh, no, joy.
I'm going to play one more time.
And the world will know my secret.
Yay, eddie! Eddie stark.
I really suck.
Don't let the height fool you.
I'm the worst player out here.
You're going down.
You know it, mister.
Believe it or not, I'm walking on air I never thought i coulfeel so free flying away on a wing and a prayer who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me wow.
He's worse than I imagined.
The sad thing is he's actually improved.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Believe it or not, I'm walking on air I never thought i could feel so free flying away on a wing and a prayer who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me Fire alarm! The game's over! Where's everybody going? I was just getting warmed up.
Come on! Hey, thanks for coming tonight.
I wouldn't have missed it.
You're the one who pulled that fire alarm, aren't you? Yes.
I think it's great that you showed the world who you really are, but at a certain point, the world had had enough.
Ha! I made it! It went in! It went in! It went in! Sure it did, babe.
It went in.
It went in!
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