'Til Death s02e07 Episode Script

Bedtime Stories

how great do these new lamps look? They're fantastic.
They are classy yet casual.
Like the kennedys playing touch football.
Seriously, I love them! Don't you love them? Honey, I gotta level with you.
This is as excited I get about anything i can't eat.
You know what I think?I think they really, finally pulled together our beach theme.
Uh-huh.
And what else in here says "beach" to you? Uh this starfish.
Quick, somebody braid my hair, 'cause I'm in jamaica.
Come on! Let's fire up these bad boys.
All right.
Ahh.
Ok.
Ahh! Well.
That is quite lovely.
- Mine doesn't work.
- What? Maybe it's the bulb.
Switch bulbs with me.
Ok.
All right.
- Ok.
- This is gonna do it.
- Milady's bulb.
- Oh, thank you very much, kind sir.
All right.
There we go.
It's even brighter than before, huh? You must've had a That's nice.
You should geta 100-watter.
You know, when-when yours works.
What are you doing? Reading.
Under my new light.
We've got to get this fixed.
Yeah, we do.
com/bbs=- Proudly Presents Season 2 Episode 7 Til death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
- What are you watching? - It's part 4 of a&e's history of the blimp.
I tivo'd it.
Hey, you want to see it? Yeah, you know, I'm gonna wait and watch it in hell.
Hey, you know, um, it's been, like, a week.
We really should get my lamp fixed.
Yeah, we should.
Yeah, we should.
You realize, of course, that it's just a random coincidence that I got the broken one, right? Oh, yeah.
The chips did not fall your way.
I mean, we got 2 lamps, one works, one doesn'T.
It's crazy.
Lamps, huh? Am I right? So we get his-and-hers lamps, and because mine is broken, it is my problem? It's not your problem, but "hers" is broken.
- Uh excme? - Hers is broken.
And his is lit up like a firework display on the fourth of ju-ly! I- I-it would be nice if you just showed a little concern, because if it was your lamp that was broken, we'd be running back to the store to fix it right now.
Oh, now, that is not true.
The only reason why we haven't gotten it fixed is because we're very busy and it's hard to get things done.
Listen, honey, I am on your team.
I mean, I want you to have light, you know? There's no joy without light, and there's no light without joy.
You know, I never want you to die, but when you do, I'm putting that on your headstone.
Ok, how about this? Until we fix it, you give me your lamp.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
- Y not? - Well, because I read books in bed and you read magazines.
Ok, first of all, I read books.
- No, you don'T.
- Yes, I do! I read-I read the, um the one where, uh, tom cruise is the lawyer.
- The firm? - Yes.
Yeah.
Ok.
You do realize that tom cruise wasn't in the book? My point is, I can read whatever I want, and I should have light to read it.
Yes, of course you should, and I would like to help you.
It's just we don't have the time.
And-and I hate that we don'T.
I mean, our priorities are all out of whack.
Damn it! When did we get like this? Ok, I gotta go.
Hey, did you guys see that blimp special last- buh-buh-buh-buh!I'm tivoing it.
Let me ask you guys something.
Joy and I, we got these new lamps for the bedroom.
It turns out mine works and joy's doesn'T.
And she keeps saying how we have to get 'em fixed.
So what do you think? My wife's nightstand-is it really my responsibility? I say her side of the bed is her problem.
It's like cuba.
You go over there for sex and cigars.
Well, maybe joy just wants to feel like you care.
I do care.
Kind of like I care about global warming.
I mean, it's a real shame, but quite frankly, it's al gore's headache.
The thing is, the ladies like to believe that you're a team against the world.
And that's what marriage is all about.
I mean, we don't like that we go to bed at the same time as our wives every night even though we're not tired, but we do it, right? I mean, it's the cost of doing business.
I'm sorry.
Diyou say thatou and your wife go to bed at the same time evnight? Yeah.
Everyone does that, right? No.
That-that's not a thing? That's a thing that you shouldn't tell other guys.
How-how long you been doin' this? Our whole relationship.
Like prison? I set the alarm! You got 5 seconds before the hallway motion detectors get ya! Quick! Yay! That was fun.
So, uh, I was talking to the guys at work, and I was telling them about how we always go to bed together at the same time, and they were asking why we do that.
Because we love each other.
Agreed.
Agreed.
So much love.
Um just, uh, it just turns out that none of them do it.
So guess I'm just pointing out something i learned today, which is that not all grown men have a bedtime.
Are you saying you don't want to go to bed with me? No! No, no, no.
No! I'm just saying that it's not a thing, you know? And I guess it would be nice if I had the option to, you know, stay up, hang out.
And do what? I don't know.
Whatever the hell I want? Adorable.
You got 5 minutes.
What did you do, woman? Nothing.
My lamp just seems to be working now.
Why? What's up with yours? Well in a strange twist of events, mine seems to be not working.
Huh.
Don't "huh" me, joy joy.
You switched the lamps.
I did not! It's just a freaky coincidence.
I mean, there's 2 lamps, one works, one doesn'T.
Crazy.
Lamps, huh?Am i right and let's just see, now that you have a broken lamp, how fast you run right out to fix it.
You think you're pretty smart, huh? I'm all right, yeah.
Well, you haven't proven anything, because I don't have the time to fix your lamp and I don't have the time to fix mine.
Ok.
I'm very busy.
Guess you'reon be in the dark for a then.
Guess I will.
I'm a nice person.
so she switched your lamps.
Yeah.
I know it, and she knows it.
But I can't say anything.
It's like a chess match, and she's one move ahead of me.
She's clever that way.
Like those dinosaurs in jurassic park.
The ones who learn.
Ok, well, I have an idea.
Now, this might sound crazy, but hear me out.
Be a human being and get your wife's lamp fixed.
What, are you nuts? He thinks I should get the wife's lamp fixed.
Carl, I'm eating ramen.
Take this one for me, will you? Happy to.
He's on record as being too busy.
If he's suddenly running to the repair shop, then it proves to joy that he's the ass who was only willing to fix his own lamp.
But he is an ass.
But nobody's saying it out loud.
This-this is insane.
Marriage isn't like a chess match where you have to outmaneuver your opponent.
Ok? It's about compromise and a healthy give and take.
Yeah, it's all very healthy.
How's your bedtime going? All right, so, paint the picture for us, ok? It's bedtime.
You've had your bubblebath, you've powdered your area you're not tired, but you're trapped in bed.
So what do you do?You just lie there and watch tv? Oh, my god! You're not allowed to watch tv, are you? No, no, it's just that the flicker bothers steph.
But I have a radio with a tv band and headphones, so I can listen to as much tv as I want.
How good is caroline in the city on a transistor radio? It's funny.
The secret to our ham is the sweet honey glaze for a tender, soft treat every time.
Add some crisp lettuce and sharp cheddar and wash it all down with an icy-cold root bt.
I'm so very hungry.
What's going on?!Is someone trying to break in? No, no.
No, no.
I was trying to break out! - Why? - I want ham! But we were sleeping.
No.
No, steph.
You were sleeping.
I was very much awake.
But I can't move because I'm in a 300 thread count prison! That's the alarm company.
What is going on with you? Is going on with me is you are not my bedtime sheriff.
Hello?Yeah, it's a false alarm.
See, I am a man, damn it! Password is "hot chocolate.
" I guess I didn't know how strongly you felt about this.
Well, I do.
I'm really sorry.
I don't know why this is so important to me.
I mean, maybe it's because my mom and my third stepdad yoshi you know, the sushi chef.
They had this great relationship at first.
Then they just started drifting apart.
First they didn't go to bed together.
Then they didn't eat together.
They went on different vacations, and eventually it was just over.
The day he left, he kissed me on the forehead made me an eel and avocado roll and then I never saw him again.
Hey.
Hey, honey, that'S that's not gonna happen to us, because I love you.
I love you, too.
You know what?This is crazy.
If you want a sandwich, go get a sandwich.
- Oh, thank you! - You got 5 minutes.
I shouldn't have to fix your lamp.
I'm sorry, what was that? I said I shouldn't have to fix your lamp.
I thought that you were too busy to fix my lamp.
Ok, you want to know the truth? I wasn't too busy.
I could have spent hours, could have spent days fixing your lamp.
But I simply chose not to.
Because I didn't care that you didn't have any light.
And why didn't I care? Because it didn't affect me.
And there it is.
I know.
I know.
It's taboo to say this, and we're supposed to be a team.
But you get to a certain point, even in a marriage, where you cross a line, and it's every man for himself.
Well, it is good to know how you feel.
You know what?it good to know.
I feel liberated.
Fine.
I can only tell you that if it was your lamp that had been the broken one, my first move would have been to go right back to the store and get it fixed, because I believe there is no line when you love someone.
And I believe that love works in a very different, more self-involved way.
Thanr clarifying that.
You're very welcome.
And I'm gonna go watch my blimp special now.
What happened to my blimp special?! Uh I don't know.
Maybe it got deleted? It couldn't have gotten deleted.
I told tivo to save it.
I checked the setting 10 times.
I love that show.
And that was a whole hour on count ferdinand von zeppelin, hot-air bon vivant.
Did you do something to my blimp special, joy? I don't know.
No.
What did you do to my blimp special? Ok, you know what? I deleted it because i needed to make room for something else.
If you say it was rachael ray, I'm burning this house to the ground.
Her turkey chili is in your belly right now.
I can't believe this.
A minute ago you were lecturing me and you're as bad as I am.
How could you delete my blimp special? You know why I did it?I'll tell you why.
Because blimps are stupid! Let's put an aircraft in the sky the size of a whale that carries two people, one of whom is the driver! Take it back.
Blimps are enchanting.
I will not take it back.
Every man for himself!That's what you said, right? See?Hurts, doesn't it? Well, you know what's gonna hurt? How about this for every man for himself? You know that smell you've been smelling in your car for the last 6 weeks? Well, it's part of an old hotog.
I saw it on the floor and I just didn't feel like bending down, so I kicked it under the seat! Really? Well, you know how you leave all your dirty underwear all over the floor? Well, sometimes i pick it up and I fold it and I put it right back in the drawer 'cause I don't feel like washing it! I've been doing that for years! Oh, yeah? Well, I lie and I vio store doesn't have that stupid little girnt so we can get mine.
They do have the devil wears prada.
There's a whole wall of the devil wears prada! Yeah? Well, I glance at the caller I.
D.
And I conveniently just miss all your mother's calls.
Oh, yeah?Well, I do that for your mom, your dad, and sometimes you.
Well, you're doing it in dirty underwear! Ok.
You know that pizza we ordered that you swore came with crazy bread? It did.
It did come with crazy bread.
And I ate it outside, all by myself.
And then I licked out the extra sauce, and I took that box and I buried it deep, deep into the garbage can, so you wouldn't know.
Crazy bread! Sounds weird when you say it out loud.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
This is crazy.
Let me be the first to say that I'm sorry.
We are a team.
We should be a team.
I know.
We need to be a team.
Yes.
We do.
And we're gonna do it.
We're gonna be nice to each other, and we're gonna look out for each other.
Thank you for saying that.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Silly.
And we should get this lamp fixed first thing tomorrow.
Mm, yeah, we should.
**** yeah, ****