'Til Death s02e06 Episode Script

Vintage Eddie

'til death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Let me ask you something.
Is this shirt too small? Not if you're in a boy band.
Eddie, I just got that for you 6 months ago.
How is it that you're 45 years old and you're still growing out of clothing? You know my pituitary gland is a runaway train.
I kind of like it tight.
You can tell it's cold in here.
All right, well, finish wrapping the gift and let's go.
The sooner we get to jeff's party, eat pasta and cake, the sooner I get back here with my pants off eating leftover pasta and cake.
How hard is it for you to just try to enjoy this most basic of social rituals the birthday party? It's extremely hard.
I don't understand this obsession the woodcocks have having to celebrate every milestone.
I mean, what was that thing we went to last year? Jeff's birthday party.
Exactly.
I mean, enough already.
Ok, we get it.
Your parents did it.
Quit dancing in the end zone.
Here, all set.
You hold that.
Ok.
What did we get them, by the way? Lingerie.
It's for steph to wear and jeff to enjoy.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I'm off the gift.
- What? Why? - Why? A little something my grandpa once taught me Men do not give men lacy panties.
Ok, so, you're really not gonna sign this card? A dog saying "happy arf-day" I'll be in the car.
Oh, cool! Thanks, karl.
Heh heh! In your hands, you hold the world's most powerful flashlight.
Little head's up Don't ever aim it at a baby.
Oh! Sorry.
What are you doing? - ow.
I'm sorry.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm having a little trouble deciding between the cobbler and the sundae.
Would it be possible to get both? Actually, the hosts have agreed to pay for only one dessert per person.
Will they be seeing an itemized bill, or just one big number? - I think one big number.
- Ok.
Well, do this.
Keep the desserts coming until my head hits the table.
Thank you all so much for these gifts.
You know, it's so thoughtful.
Ok.
Got one more for you.
It's from me.
Only me.
Not from eddie.
That is correct.
That is not my gift.
Eddie, you got me a gift, too? That is amazing.
I mean, most guys will just let their wife pick out a gift and then slap their name on a card.
But not this guy.
All righty.
Wow, joy.
Thank you.
This is, uh This is really pretty.
It's for steph to wear and for you to enjoy.
I get it.
That's good.
'cause I would have looked pretty strange walking through the neighborhood carrying a giant flashlight and wearing this.
All right.
Well, last but not least, what have you got for me, big man? Bring it on.
Well, um My gift is my Good wishes and a hearty, healthy, happy birthday high-five.
What up?! Come on.
Don't leave me hanging, my brother.
That's what i'm talkin' about, right there.
Heh.
This cobbler is the bomb.
- Hey, hon.
- Hey.
- Going to sleep? - Yep.
Ok.
There's just something I wanted to tell you before you did.
B - bling.
Hey, why doesn't eddie like me? Ok, we're gonna need to work on your dirty talk.
Sorry.
It's just that whole "happy birthday high-five" thing.
That really bugged me.
Ok.
Well, how about you try focusing on what I'm about to give you for your birthday? Ok.
It's just, we're neighbors, you know? And we work together.
And it's like, I see the guy every day.
It it hurts.
Is it weird for a guy to feel that way? When his wife is straddling him in lingerie? Little bit.
You know what, baby? You're so right.
I'm sorry.
You know, I already got him a gift for his birthday.
And I know he loves old records.
I was walking by this used record store, and I saw this dean martin album, live at the sands.
It was like this neon light flashing in my brain "eddie! Perfect! Eddie! Perfect!" you know what neon light is flashing in my head? "jeff! Gay! Jeff! Gay!" all right.
Ma's closing up shop.
I gotta tell you, joy, I made a terrible mistake tonight.
Ohh.
You sure did.
I'm at a point in my life where I I can't eat multiple desserts anymore.
Was it the multiple desserts, or was it the soul-wrenching discomfort that you created in the room with your "happy birthday high-five"?! "don't leave me hanging!" 'sup?! I'm gonna go eat a loaf of bread to settle my stomach.
I need to punch your husband in the throat.
Eddie, it's for you! What the hell is wrong with you? My husband is lying in bed heartbroken because of your thoughtlessness.
I am wearing very sexy lingerie under this robe, and the only thing he can think about is you! How did it fit, by the way? Oh, it's great.
It's so soft.
I love the colors.
I'm so glad, 'cause I was worried that you might think it was tacky.
Tacky? No! It's classy.
I feel like a princess.
You're an ass! Friendship is a 2-way street.
So, you better shape up, buster, because there's a sweet, sensitive man over there who adores you.
Now, I want you to march next-door right now and apologize to him.
- no.
- Why not? Because he's not my girlfriend.
Just buy him a present on the way to work tomorrow, - and please end this madness.
- Hey, I got an idea for a present.
Why don't I put on that lingerie and then I'll just go over there myself.
That will make his day.
By the way, you owe us $300 for all the dessert you ate.
- Hey, gang.
- Hey, karl.
Eddie.
Well, well.
Somebody's having his own little "bring your vino to work" day.
No, no, it's not what you think.
Oh, of course it isn't.
Now, just for kicks, let me tell you how I might play it.
Go to the doughnut shop.
Grab one of those insulated cups with the adjustable straw.
Fill it up to the very top and just teach, teach, teach.
It's not for me.
It's for jeff.
Joy and steph thought that I hurt his feelings last night, so I grabbed this bottle out of my liquor cabinet.
Now joy and steph will be happy, jeff will be happy All the ladies in my life will be happy.
- Hey, karl.
- Hey.
- Edward.
- Hey, there he is.
- Happy birthday.
- What's this? It's an aboveground pool.
What do you think it is? It's for your birthday.
This is a bordeaux from the village of saint juliette.
That's the village where steph and I honeymooned.
Well, of course it is.
Are you Hey, let me tell you something.
My eyes might have been closed during your slide show.
But my ears and my heart were open.
Eddie, this is such a thoughtful gift.
Thank you.
And by the way, i'm sorry it was late.
I just had to special-order this puppy.
That's why you didn't have anything at my party.
Exactly.
I mean, don't you think a friend like you deserves more than a birthday high-five? While creative, it would be hurtful and mean.
You know what? I actually I got you something, too.
And I was gonna return it today, but here.
This isdean martin live at the sands.
I have been looking for this for years.
Yeah, I remember you mentioning it.
And I saw it, and I thought of you.
Hey, checkthisout.
He signed it.
He signed it.
This is the nicest thing that anybody has ever done for me.
Well, how about what you did for me? What did I do for you? - You special-ordered the wine.
- Oh, yes.
Of course I did.
You know what?I'll let you in on a little secret.
Today is my actual birthday.
Hey, how about you and joy come over tonight and we'll pop this baby open? What do you say? I think i'd like that very much.
Me, too.
I'll, uh, see you at 6:00? is empty, you guys are making out.
- Babe, I'm home.
- hey! Oh, my god, work was brutal.
I thought this day would never end.
Well, you thought right.
Pop those easy spirits back on, 'cause we're going to the woodcocks'.
We were just with them last night.
Yeah, I know.
But I took your advice and I gave him a bottle of wine.
And it turns out that today is jeff's actual birthday, so he invited us over to drink it with him.
Unbelievable.
We are dealing with a grown man who physically cannot stop celebrating his birthday.
I'm flattered that you took my advice, though, and you bought him a gift.
Well, actually, I didn't buy it.
I just grabbed a bottle out of your little medicine cabinet there.
What? Which bottle? - The Bordeaux or whatever.
- What?! Relax.
You still have enough left to make it through a nuclear winter.
Eddie, that bordeaux was worth $1, 000.
Come again? I got it from my aunt's house when she died.
Don't you remember? No, I don't remember.
I don't even rember you having an aunt.
He's gonna be opening that bottle tonight, joy.
Oh, my god.
I can't believe you gave away a 20-year-old bottle of wine.
you're right.
I should have known that a bottle of wine doesn't last in this house for more than an hour and a half.
You have to ask for that bottle back.
- I can't.
- Why not? Because he gave me a signed copy ofdean martin live at the sands.
I don't care if he gave you a kidney! Do you understand what that bottle meant to him? I mean, he and i, we had a moment there.
Was it a $1, 000 moment? Well, I don't want to put a price on it, but there was a lot of magic.
Eddie, we have to get that bottle back.
I know we do, but it's not gonna be easy.
I don't want to hurt his feelings.
I thought you didn't care about other guys' feelings.
I didn't.
But I gave him some wine, and he gave me my favorite record, and I lied to him right in his face.
Don't you see? We're in a relationship now.
Did you know this wine is worth $987? Really? Oh, my god.
Eddie freakin' loves me.
Hey, honey, crazy thought What if instead of drinking this delicious french wine, we sell it, and with the proceeds, actually go to france? I don't know, sweetie.
I don't think I could do that.
Why not? It's $1, 000.
Remember how you freaked out when you found $5.
00 in your jeans? This is a lot more than that.
Ok, it is a lot of money.
But you don't understand the effort that eddie put into that and how thoughtful he was Not to mention that I actually invited him over to drink it with us.
How could we possibly get out of that? Seriously, start throwing out ideas, 'cause I'm really into that france thing.
Oh, my god.
Our wine is blowing up on ebay.
Winelady53 must have a pretty serious drinking problem, 'cause she's been bidding against herself for the past 25 minutes.
You sure they're gonna believe that this is the bottle of wine he gave me? Just wrap a napkin around it, pour it quick, and stay cool.
And if things start getting hairy, keep your lies simple.
If you dress 'em up, you'll mess 'em up.
Remember that if that corkscrew hits the top of that bottle, we are dead.
So, we have to make the switch with the decoy bottle before that happens.
Ok.
Does this one look like the bottle we gave them? Don't worry.
Just throw one of those giant paws over the label, pour it quickly, and focus on the money.
- Hey! - Hi! Hi! Happy birthday, partdeux! Yeah.
Again! Oh, boy.
Wow.
There's that delicious bottle of wine.
May I hold it? You know what? Why don't I open it, and you guys could help yourself to some lovely cheese.
Oh, terrific.
ok.
You can eat it over here.
Ok.
Well, uh, all right.
Wow! Is that a beautiful corkscrew.
I don't think I've ever seen one like this.
Of course, I know it's made out of plastic.
But gosh, I'd swear it was whale bone.
Oh! That's my roast.
Honey, pour me a nice, big glass.
ok.
- Eddie, I just need the corkscrew.
So - You know In some native american cultures, opening your own wine on your birthday means the wind will stop for 100 years.
- Here, give me the bottle.
- Ok You know what? Let me Let me Just tighten up superman's cape here.
Ok, he's tightening the cape.
Ok.
- And Just do me a favor and keep that on the cape.
- Ok, I will indeed.
- Yeah.
Great.
- Ok.
- I - All right.
Have the corkscrew now, joy.
And I will open the bottle.
I have no choice but to open it.
And here we go.
Look, there's something there on my glass.
Oh, what is There's spit all over this thing.
Should have gotten you a dishwasher for your birthday.
You know what? I'll go get a new one.
Um Eddie, rember, keep the cape on.
Ok, you got it.
Take your time, birthday boy.
All right.
Give me the thing.
- Here.
Quickly.
- The cape! The cape! Cape! Ok, the cape.
The cape is on.
- this is not my dead aunt's wine.
- How do you know? Because ours was not made by alex trebek.
Are you saying that they changed the bottles on purpose? But why would they switch the bottles? They didn't know what it was worth.
Oh, my god.
They know what it's worth! Those sneaky little bastards Ok, give me their wine.
Take this one.
Put this one back in your purse.
Ok, I've got a new glass, sans spit.
All right, who's ready to celebrate? - Not i.
- Why not? Maybe becausethis is not the wine that I gave you.
Wait.
What? You mean, you didn't give us alex trebek's cabernet royale dessert wine? Steph! Did you put out the wrong bottle? I put out the one you gave me.
All right, the jig is up, woodcocks.
Where is the bottle? I don't know, eddie See, my car broke down and there was this trucker with a monocle and this 3-legged dog - Simple! Simple! - Listen, I know what's going on here.
You found out how expensive our wine is, and you don't want to share it with us.
- Th-that's not true! - You probably want to sell it.
Th-that's not true! I am hurt that you put a price tag on our friendship.
You know what? You're right This is ridiculous.
I'm a jerk.
Jeff!What are you doing? France, france, france, france, france! Eddie, i'm sorry.
You put so much thought and effort into this, and here I am selfishly trying to keep it to myself.
It would mean so much to me if you would do the honors.
Go ahead.
Pop it.
You know what? No.
I gave you this wine with love, and your turned it into a wine of hate.
I'm having a lot of feelings right now, and I - I gotta go home and process this.
- No, no, no, eddie, come on.
Please, please, please, stay.
Still a love wine.
- It's a hate wine now.
- No, it's a love wine.
- Hate wine! - Love wine! Oh, come on! It was my dead aunt's wine.
He didn't even buy that wine for you at all.
Yes he did.
He special-ordered it.
No, he did not! He just reached into the cabinet and got the first thing that he could find.
If he would have reached a few inches over, you'd be drinking a $4.
00 bottle of peppermint schnapps right now Which, by the way, is awesome on a rainy sunday.
I can't believe it.
You lied to me.
I can't believe you were gonna sell my special gift.
Hey, guys Our hate wine just sold for $2700 on ebay.
Splitsies? You're on, big man.
We're rich! I don't This is why men do not buy men lingerie! Well, look at the bright side.
We got good friends, wine from america's most beloved game-show host, and the sweet sounds of dean martin live at the sands.
That's true.
And now, a little deano with our vino.
lesson one the grocery store.
Excuse me, how much for this chicken? ***