'Til Death s02e09 Episode Script

Everybody Digs Doug

Til Death Season 2 Episode 9 'til deathis filmed in front of a live studio audience.
What ya doing? You know how all those clean clothes magically appear in your drawers? Well, this is a behind-the-scenes peek at that process.
You know, I don't think we've been having sex a lot, because I don't recognize any of your naughty undergarments.
Well, these I bought for date night.
Remember? You ate a log of cheese and passed out in front of the tv.
And this is the mesh bag that we hang our fruit in.
You know, I can't believe woodcock suspended mefor 3 days.
I am so bored.
- Wanna put the bag on? - Give me that.
Surprise! - Ally! - Ah, allison! Hey.
Hey, honey.
Ah, me, me, me.
Doug! You two are still together! Hooray! I got something for you in my rucksack.
A feather for the lady of the house.
Thank you.
Go ahead.
Put it in your hair.
I don't want to.
So this is such a nice surprise.
What brought you kids down here? Oh, we were just driving back to school, and we figured we'd stop in and say hey.
Yeah, and my pupils are way too dilated to drive at night.
Back to school? But weren't you already at school? Oh, no.
We were at this 23-band music festival in dewey beach all week.
So you missed a week of school for a concert? Well, almost 2 weeks if you count the 5 days we spent looking for my keys in the sand.
So, doug, uh, when did you graduate, 3 years ago? And you're planning to do what with your life? Well, my student i.
Still works, so it's pretty easy for me to live illegally in your daughter's dorm room.
And what's the good word on the job front? Oh, I make a pretty nice income participating in clinical drug trials.
Thanks to me, there's a safe new pill for canine diabetes.
That's- that's actually why my pupils don't close anymore.
Come on, doug.
I'll show you our room.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey, "our room"? Wait.
Wait here.
Uh, yeah, I thought doug could stay in my room.
And where would you be sleeping? My room.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
You, you're in the basement.
Sir, if I may, when 2 spirits share the same bed, it doesn't always have to lead to intercourse.
Well, it would never lead to intercourse if I snapped off your ding-ding.
You seem angry.
Is this because you didn't get a feather? Listen, allison, don't take this personally, but the only people having relations in this house are your mother and i.
That's assuming he doesn't get into the cheese.
So what, dad? Doug'll be in the basement, and I'll be upstairs alone with my stuffed animals like I'm 10 years old because that's the only way you know how to deal with me? She's got a point.
Excuse me.
Your mother is betraying me.
What? I'm sorry.
I just- I- I don't agree with you.
So you're saying that you're ok with them sleeping in the same room? And I'm also ok with letting them dance and listen to that rock-'n'- roll music.
I know that this is hard for you to accept, but your daughter has become a woman.
You shut up! That's disgusting! It's true.
I am a sexual being.
All right, the room is spinning.
Where are my pills? Eddie, when we stayed at my parents' house, we used to stay in separate rooms.
We'd sneak in and fool around anyway.
Don't you think you're being a tiny bit hypocritical? Oh, I'm being completely hypocritical.
I've made my peace with it.
You know, if I were a boy, you'd have no problem with this.
Hey, if I was a millionaire, we'd be having this conversation on a boat.
You know what? Don't talk to me.
Basement's that-a-way.
Could I take down a bowl of water for my rabbit? no? Ah, there's my little pumpkin pie.
Not a morning person.
I get it.
Oh, if it isn't acting principal woodcock.
Listen, if you've come over here to beg me to come back to work, you can save your breath.
I'm gonna read a book, take a bubble bath.
I'm looking at a day of hot me-on-me action.
Actually, I just came by to pick up doug.
Hey, jeff, does your school have a policy against hemp pants? 'cause that's all I got.
What the hell's going on? Uh, well, you know, I was having some real trouble finding someone to sub for your class, and as luck would have it, I was out for a jog this morning and ran into doug walking his rabbit.
or carrots gets me up pretty early.
He's subbing for you.
W - wait.
You think he can replace me? What, are you smoking his pants? Couple summers ago, I got my sub certification so I could make some easy cash.
Easy? I see.
So you think teaching is easy.
Just last week, I was discussing the civil rights movement vis-a-vis political activism during the vietnam era.
What do you know about that? Well, I saw forrest gump, and I believe he was in vietnam, so Checkmate.
I got a good feeling about this kid.
Come on.
Let's go shape the leaders of tomorrow.
Ah, man, I lost my straw in my juice box.
Oh, got it.
Wha- lost it.
Got- Ahh.
The circle represents the power of the people.
This is what students in the sixties did to protest the vietnam war.
They called it a "sit-in, " derived from the indian word "sitar.
" Which leads me to mahatma gandhi, who popularized the very notion of passive resistance.
He also pioneered what later became known as the south beach diet.
So I guess this goes out to mahat and all the other peacekeepers keeping it real.
To Dr.
King Brad and angelina- All the big ones.
love is but the song we sing and fear's the way we die you can make the mountains ring or make the angels cry come on, people, now smile on your brother everybody get together try to love one another right now so, long story short, when getting a tattoo, make sure that you're drunk, not the guy doing it.
Oh, shh.
Reverend killjoy is here.
When I got home, the house was empty.
I didn't know where you were.
Didn't get my note? You mean this one? "eddie, we're out.
Nuke your own meat.
" Eddie, I would love to have nice family dinner at home, but old man stark grabbed the shotgun off the wall and done skeered ev'rybody away.
What is that, beer? So now we're condoning the use of alcohol? It's apple juice.
Yeah, sure, it is.
What is that, tree top? Ok.
That checks out.
Eddie, let me give you a little constructive criticism.
You gotta take that stick out of your ass.
When I was growing up, my dad didn't let me do anything- I mean, no sleepovers, no dating.
He didn't even let me play scrabble 'cause I once spelled "oral.
" And you know how I got back at him? As soon as I got to college, I hooked up with every guy I met.
I mean, I did everything, everywhere.
Hey, honey! I'm home! Hey, sweetie.
How was your first day? Pretty inspiring.
Oh, this guy was great.
Kids loved him.
I sat in on third period.
Paul timmons actually clapped.
I think he was just feeling kind of jazzed about learning.
Timmons? I been calling him simmons for 6 months.
I been marking him absent.
Hey, doug, heck of a job today, really.
Well, if I can reach even one young soul, - that's more than enough.
- All right! We get it! You had a great first day.
But mark my words, those kids are gonna eat you alive tomorrow.
And you, with your little mother-daughter lovefest, that's gonna fade away.
You're gonna turn on each other eventually.
Chicks always do.
But go ahead.
All of you have a good time while you can, and big, mean eddie is gonna go back home and nuke his own meat.
By the way, your wife likes to Get jiggy with it.
Hey, I want to cook you dinner to thank you for getting me the new gig.
How would you feel about a vegan feast? Yeah, I'm- I'm down for anything, and apparently, so is my wife.
You won't believe all the things I can do with mung beans.
Come on, baby.
You know, joy, I hate to see you and eddie fight like this.
Why don't doug and ally stay here? That way, they could sleep in the same room like you want, and everybody'll be happy.
That's a good idea except for one thing.
What? I don't want them to sleep in the same room ever.
- But you said - I know what I said.
- I lied.
- Why? Do you ever notice how everyone thinks that eddie's mean and I'm really nice? Really nice? Ok, nicer than him.
That doesn't happen by accident.
See, the truth is eddie and I agree on most things, but he's so good at being the bad guy that I never have to take the fall.
So like when eddie called the fire marshal to complain about our christmas lights and you said you loved them, you- That blinking frosty had to die.
I can't believe this.
I just watched you tell your daughter how you're on her side and how you respect her as an adult and as a woman.
I know, and she bought it.
I'm that good.
You're gonna understand when you have kids.
They're gonna hate one of you.
Might as well be him.
Hey, sorry to bother you.
Just getting a little infusion of the libations.
Your wife polished off all of jeff's wine coolers.
Havin' another party over there, huh? Well, I'm glad you kids are having a good time.
btw tell joy*** so I won't be able to hold her hair tonight.
What are you up to? Ah, just getting my lesson plan ready for my first day back.
Yeah, on that, sir, I just want you to know that it's been an honor and a privilege to teach your class.
You were always the captain.
I was just handl did you just wink at me? *** W - wait.
Doug, doug, just a second.
I want to, uh- I wanna ask you something.
I- I see you relating to my students in a way that I just don't anymore, and it's just not the students.
It's- Well, my daughter, she barely talks to me, and my own wife thinks i'm a dinosaur.
What have I become? Am I that grumpy neighbor from dennis the menace? I don't know what that is, sir.
Have I completely lost touch? I see.
Care for a cold one? I made it myself.
I have a small brewery in the center console of my van.
"uncle doug's corn beer"? I'm still working on the name, but the recipe's locked down.
You may want to unlock it.
Yeah, your tongue'll fight it, **** you know, doug, I used to be a lot like you.
Then I got married, got a job, had a kid, all these responsibilities, and all of a sudden, I become the bad guy.
Why? Because if no one's enforcing the rules, the train'll come off the track.
Guess I've never been a big fan of trains.
They take you where they want to go, not where you want to go.
I mean, unless your destination is any major american city.
I'm getting off that train, doug.
I'm getting off right now.
I gotta tell you, doug, this is the best beer I've ever tasted that's made in a van.
Well, we should probably turn in.
We got a pretty big day tomorrow.
Allison's heading back to school early, and I'm gonna be staying in town because jeff put me in the official sub rotation.
Yeah, I got him to delay the drug test 2 weeks, so That was good.
There he is, the urban hebrew.
It's the new me, joy- Groovy new threads, groovy new attitude.
Beer me, douglas.
Eddie, it's 10:00.
Where have you been? Yeah, I know.
I have started to connect with my students on a level that I haven't in years.
I- I mean, it's been unbelievable.
After school today, I spent hours talking about the cuban missile cris with elise dischler and her posse down at sbarro's.
Bravo, big man.
And I have to say I think I owe everybody in this room an apology.
I love you guys, and our relationship is a lot more important than any stupid rules or hang-ups that I may have.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? That's right.
You two get on up there.
Oh, my god! Yeah.
Oh, my god! - Thanks, dad.
- Well, you know I know you're not a hugger, - but here comes one.
- ok.
What did you just do? You- you just sent them upstairs together.
Joy, it's- it's a new world.
I mean, I- I had to change.
I'm a modern man now.
You can't do that.
Why not? You said that's what you wanted.
I only said it because I knew that you would say no! O - ok, wait.
Wait a minute.
You didn't want it either, and you made me the bad guy? It's not like that.
Ok, it's exactly like that.
But that's the way it's supposed be.
You're the backstop.
You're the enforcer.
I'm the-The one that people like.
Yes! This is unbelievable.
So all these years, you've been riding my bad-cop coattails, huh? How about that time when allison was 10 years old and you said that she could get a dog but I had to be the jerk who said no? You never wanted that doggie, did you? No! I don't even like to walk myself.
You used me! Ok, yes.
I'm sorry.
But what are you gonna do about it now? You don't really want them up there, do you? Of course I don't want them up there! That's getting me crazy! I hate that they're up there! I hate this shirt! This is your work, devil woman! What is that? That is our daughter and her boyfriend about to take a shower in the same tub that we used to sing rubber duckyto her in! oh god Come on! Are you ok? Go on! Go on without me! Sir? What's going on? You, go to your room.
And, you, get back to the basement.
I'm going to go try to drink the image of your white, soapy body out of my head.
I can't believe you guys! It's not me, sweetie.
It's your father.
may I help you? no, sir.
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