'Til Death s02e10 Episode Script

Really Big Brother

Til Death Season O2 Episode 1O Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
I need a four letter word for 'baby horse' But when I put I 'pony', five down becomes 'canpo' Well, perhaps it's because a baby horse is called a 'foal'.
A 'pony' is not a baby horse.
What the hell are you telling me here? A foal grows into a horse and a pony grows into a weird old little grandpa pony.
Got it? I'm calling the zoo.
Come in.
Hey, Eddie! Hello, Joy.
I wonder if you guys have a pair of binoculars we could borrow? Yeah, top drawer near the blender.
We're taking little David down here to the Jersey shore.
He's actually never seen the ocean.
How are you, pal? We've signed up for the Big Brother and Big Sister programs.
For every Saturday together.
Yeah, the thing is we really blast.
Jeff's got a really good job, I'm really cute.
It's just some way to give back.
Is this Chardonnay in this juice glass? I think I've just invented something.
All right, well, have a great day.
Ok, take care, bye.
Are we terrible people? Joy, we've talked about this before.
We're not the only people who subscribed to that channel.
That is not what I am talking about.
Look at them, they are actually giving back.
They care about something.
- We care about stuff.
- Yeah? What do we care about? Care No, I don't care about that… How about voluntary? We've got lots of time in our hands.
Well, that's true, maybe if we got out of our own little world and actually did something for someone, that might feel good.
But what should we do? Do… I did it, Joy.
I signed up to be a Big Brother.
Really? Yeah, and they already matched me up with a youngster, Kenneth Westchester.
Doesn't sound black.
To be honest, I'm a little disappointed.
I mean, if he's white, I might as well be hanging out with my nephew.
So, what you're gonna do to give back? Huh? Oh, nothing.
I'm over it.
Joy, you've gotta do something, I've just made a one year commitment here.
Well, I was going to and then I started thinking: "What could I do for other people?" And then I found my bead-kit.
I will miss you in heaven.
Who is it? Hi, I'm… I'm Eddie Stark, I'm here to meet Kenny Westchester.
Is he available? Ok, Chesty.
You're Kenneth Westchester, favorite hobby Coleco vision, favorite TV show Webster? That sounds like Kenny Chester to me.
Ah, well.
Must be some kind of mixup, Mr.
I'm from the Big Brother program and they told me that you signed up to be a Little Brother, but I can see that you have a moustache, so… Wait a minute, my Mom did sign me for the Big Brother program like 25 years ago.
But I never got one.
I guess your name was still bouncing around in the system and they matched us up, because I… I like Webster too.
- That was crazy.
- Yeah.
I thought you might have been some guy my ex-wife sent off to get my dog.
Oh, no.
Wouldn't you say that I'm fit to take care of my own damn dog? I'm gonna tell you something, if loving this dog with all my heart is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
I bet your dog is terrific.
How do you know my dog is terrific? Wait a minute.
You're here for my dog! Beyonce, run, Beyonce, go! No, just, no, listen.
I'm not here for your dog at all.
You know what? It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate, Mr.
Let me ask you, what is the safest way back to the highway? Yeah, you probably wanna go.
But I'm gonna tell you one thing, man, I appreciate you've come over here, man.
You're 25 years too late, but at least you showed up.
You're a good man.
Give me some of that.
- Come on, give me that.
- Ok.
That's funny, right? It is a little.
You get over here and you get a 38-year old Little Brother.
That is funny, to think I was actually gonna take you roller-skating.
I like roller-skating.
What's wrong? What's wrong is that I wear a size 16 skates and the largest I had was 9 and a half.
You gotta relax.
Give me your hands.
Let's play tide-boat.
What's going on here? Twist the hips.
Open it up, yeah, like that, open it up.
Yeah, roll on, shaker don't look down, look at me, look at me.
I'm sorry, just… I'm a very poor athlete, I was got made fun of as a kid.
No one could believe that I'm this tall and bad at basketball.
What? They couldn't believe I was this black and bad at basketball.
- You shut up! - You shut up! - That black and… - Yeah! - Is that crazy? - It is crazy.
"All right, fellas, grab that special lady, we're gonna slow things down now, we have couples here" - Uh… we should probably… - Get back, ok, get back.
Also let me get a funnel cake, And a beer.
What? You're the Big Brother.
Peel off cabbage.
- Ooh, yeah, now you start to get it, that's what I talked about.
- This is good, this is actually kind of fun.
- Step it up now, step it up.
- Yeah, all right.
- Get it two, come on, come on.
- This feel better.
- Come on, turn around - I'm so Oh, my God.
That giant old man totally failed.
I know you're not talking about my Big Brother right here.
'Cos if you are, I'm gonna take that big devil cellphone and throw it through the windshield of your white Jetta.
And that goes for you too, Shoshana.
Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
There's no saying, you're crawling over to the carpeted area.
All I know is, it's a teeny-tiny horse.
Well, this is me.
Ok, well, I … I guess I'll call the Big Brother people and let them know that you're a… a man.
Oh, oh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
I was gonna do it, but… you know… If you wanna be the one to do it, that's cool.
You could do it.
Either way we should clear this whole thing up.
'Cos today was certainly not magical.
Ok, well… give my best to Bouncy.
Beyonce right.
- All right.
- Ok.
- Take care.
- You too.
Just say "no" to drugs.
You say "no" to drugs too.
One nice white man.
Stop it, get off me! Stop it! Joy, you gotta hear this, my little brother was actually… Do I not give you what you need? Is that 3 speeds? Actually, I ran at this thing, 'cos I wanna get cleaned up around here Because guess what? Thursday night we are hosting a jewelry party.
I invited the girls to sell them some of my stuff.
So here's what I need for you to do: I need for you to clean up the garage for my staging area, then put a nice clean pair of slacks on, bartend for the party and basically just be there for me because I'm a little bit nervous, ok? So, Thursday, got it? Thursday This hurts.
This one hurts, but I… I cannot make that.
Why not? My little brother needs me.
But… You really can't be here? I mean, I thought this Big Brother thing was only Saturdays.
Joy, it's gonna take more than just Saturdays to fix this kid.
He's broken, Joy.
He's broke bad.
Well, what are you gonna do with him? We're gonna do a tour at corn dog factory.
At night? It's a twilight tour, Joy.
Ok? They.
they…they take the kids and they.
they…they show them the whole process, all 9 steps from naked weener to crunchy wonder.
I need you here for my party.
Joy, Joy… Honey, listen to me.
I know that your sparkly homemade lady trinkets are important to you.
But I touched that boy today and he touched me.
Not in a weird show-me-on-the-dolly way.
Do not look at me like that.
You're the one dating a vacuum cleaner.
Who is it? - Big Bro! - Hey, man, how are you? I just wanted to tell you that I had a great time the other day.
And I was wondering maybe you would like to… The answer is "yes"! I was hoping you would come back, I just didn't say anything.
Everybody needs a big brother, right? Just 'cause I'm a big man, doesn't mean I don't need a big brother.
What? Billy Baldwin doesn't need Alec Baldwin? No.
Well, of course, he does.
You damn right he does.
Well, then allow me to be your Alec Baldwin.
- I will like that very much.
- Oh, yeah? Oh, this is wonderful.
So what am I getting into? Well, I thought maybe we would go check out the Boat Show at the Convention center.
How about we get some potato skins and see some naked ladies? It's your day.
Hey, do you guys know, everything on this table is 20% off? Of the price Joy made up in her head.
- All right, we've got to get going, Joy.
- What… why? Because, it just seems like you invited us over so you could sell us stuff.
No, no, no.
I just thought it would be fun to have, you know, some of the gang over to have some afterwork drinks and then… and then Steff practically begged me to bring out the necklaces.
So I just slapped some price tags on and then whipped up for credit card machine.
This was really inappropriate.
You know what's inappropriate? How much humus you ate tonight.
Hey, hello, ladies, looking lovely, looking thinner, looking younger.
Ah? Check your wife, dude, she's a mess.
Awkward "Force your friends to buy crappy jewelry" night.
Yeah, it's a total disaster.
I mean… I was doing something selfish and stupid and you were out there really giving back.
Guess you're just a better person than I am.
Well, who's better, who's not better… The point is - I'm better.
How was the corn dog factory? Well, we'll know in about 30 minutes.
- Hello.
- Hey, you must be Joy.
And you are…? I'm Kenny, Eddie's little brother.
This is little Kenny? What? This is little Kenny?! What? He didn't tell you about me? Oh, no, no, he did.
He just… he forgot to mention the fact that you are… Drop dead gorgeous? No, 40.
It's really a big mixup in the system, but I'll tell you one thing: we have been having a blast.
Yeah, I bet you have been.
Where did you go tonight, huh? Where did he take you? - Actually we went to a… - Corn dog factory.
Corn dog… corn dog factory? What the hell are these? "Uncle Bosom's Bosom Bucks".
Huh, isn't that a strip club near the airport? No.
It's by the bus station.
Sorry, man, that was in my car on the floor.
I figured I'd bring it back to you, brother, but… I must suspect that might have be a poor decision.
Bravo, Eddie.
You are a true hero.
And all this time you have been giving me crap about something that I actually enjoyed doing, while you're out using this guy and going to strip clubs.
Way to give back.
Society is in your debt.
Listen, Joy… look, I know this is bad, this is really bad right now.
And I know naked ladies might not be your cup of tea.
But I assure you that this man did help me.
Before I met this man, all I had was an ex-wife, living in my ex-apartment, driving my ex-car, spending half my ex-money.
Trying to take my beautiful Beyonce from me.
That's his dog.
But then this man.
This big Herman Munster-lookin' man right here showed up at my doorway.
And showed me the first bit of happiness I've had in a long-long time.
So don't you tell me this is a bad man.
You know why? 'Cos this is a good man.
This is my brother.
This is my Big Brother right here.
You know who he is? This is my Alec Baldwin.
Give me that.
This is the moment they talk about in the brochure.
I wish I could roller-skate everywhere I go.
That would be a beautiful world, little man.
Can't believe they won't let you get two beers at a time.
What kind of ridiculous policy is that? I hear you, little buddy.
I'm gonna ask Jeff some.
Hey, hold this for me.
Don't drink it, that's mine.
Jeff - Kenny.
- Hey, man.
May I ask you a question? I got a friend… single, in shape.
Would you date a black guy? What? No, no.
What, you a racist? No, no, no, I'm not a racist.
I'm… uh, straight.
Would it be straight if he was a white? I'm gonna take a lap and come back for the answer, ok? No, no, no.
You don't have to take a lap.
I'm straight, I'm married, I have a wife.
I suppose, she's white too.
No! What… I, I, I… I mean, yes.
What's happening? Look, if you don't wanna date him, just say it.
I did say it.
I don't wanna date this guy.
I'll set up a call for you.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode