'Til Death s03e01 Episode Script

Speed Bumps

'Til death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
by sony pictures television Aw, crap.
All right, let's do this.
And now The stars of our show.
- Morning.
- Hi there, officer "Magursky".
That's a nice name.
So strong.
You were going 55 in a 30.
- Fast.
- License and registration, please.
Let me just get those for you.
Are these the things you're looking for? Yep.
Whatcha doin'? I'm writing you a ticket.
Can you see out of those sunglasses? 'Cause I am catching my reflection in there, and I am not hating it.
I'm seeing quite fine, ma'am.
Have a nice day, sir.
Someone's at the door.
Do I look like Benson to you? Lil' bit.
Lil' bit.
- Eddie.
- Tina.
I'm just here to get the love of my life.
Kenny, she's here for cake.
That's my baby.
Ahh-- I see daddy didn't clip your toenails like he was supposed to.
Somebody should tell mommy that daddy would've clipped your toenails If mommy had put the clippers in the bag.
Well, somebody should tell daddy that toenail clippers only cost $1.
Half of what daddy made last year.
Right in the chiclets.
Come on, girl.
Let's leave daddy alone With his new boyfriend.
So let me get this straight.
At some point, you thought that she completed you? - Joy's home.
- Wait.
I sense anger in that door slam.
Aw, she threw herkeys.
Yeah, she's pissed.
That's the refrigerator.
She's goin' for the wine.
Oh, my god.
She's not usin' a glass.
All right, here she comes.
Don't make eye contact and get small.
Hey, honey.
How was your day? That is how my day was.
A speeding ticket? Oh, my god.
I can't believe this.
What's the big deal? It's a ticket.
I knew it.
I knew it.
White people really never get pulled over.
No, no.
It's not white people.
It's these white people.
My entire life, I have never gotten a ticket.
That's true.
We were once leaving her office christmas party.
She was doing 75 in a school zone, Lights off, and draggin' a nativity scene.
The cop just let her go.
I know what the problem is.
What you doin'? I don't know, but I'm just waitin' to see how this all becomes my fault.
I am not the problem.
My bras are the problem.
I mean, look at these.
Look at 'em.
Look it.
Look it.
Look it.
They're tattered, and they're torn, and their wires are all hanging out.
Look at that.
And you know why? Because you won't let me buy new, expensive ones.
This is all your fault.
And there it is.
Don't "there it is" me, buddy.
Remember when I bought that beautiful lace teddy for your birthday? You put your glasses on.
You looked at the price tag, And you made me drive back to the mall and return it that night.
I'm not spendin' $75 for 30 seconds of fun Unless I'm bungee jumping.
Look at her again, and I will end you.
Hey, you were checking out the guy in the food court who made your pretzel.
He was picking his nose while rolling my pretzel.
Can I help you today? Yes.
Um, I am looking for a new bra, Something that's sexy, yet classy, Somewhere between club slut and actual hooker.
What about this? It's a push-up bra with a gel curve.
Oh, it's a gel c-- Look at that, eddie.
- Yep.
It's good.
It's great.
- Grab 4 of 'em, and let's get the hell out of here.
You can look.
I'm not gonna do anything.
- Nah.
I'm good.
- Eddie, come on.
No, no.
I know your games.
I'm not fallin' for it, woman.
I want your opinion.
Plenty of time to look when you're not around.
Just look.
I'm just gonna go try on these teddies.
Ok, you know what? You go in, and I'll just wait here.
Should we just go in together? Yes, please.
How's it goin' in there, honey? Oh, these straps keep snagging.
I should have shaved my pits.
Can you help me with my clasp? - Sure.
- Ooh! Your hands are so cold! - You're so ticklish.
- No, you are.
There is no ventilation in here.
I am sweating like a freakin' mule.
Sexiest mule in town, baby.
Ok, imagine what I'm wearing now, but with leather knee-high boots.
Got it.
You look so hot.
Do you think Alex will like this? Why you gotta bring Alex into this? - She will love it.
- And we're back.
Baby, you gotta remind me to get this mole checked out, please.
Ok, honey.
I- I'll take you to my guy.
How'd it go in there? Ma's back.
Ma's back big time.
Oh, my god.
I can see right through that bra.
Eddie! I am so excited to put on one of my new bras.
And I'm excited to take one off.
Up top.
Hey, be careful.
There's a cop up ahead.
What in the hell are you doing? I'm so afraid.
Get in the back seat and hide.
What? Shut up and get in the back seat, And get under that blanket.
I'm not getting in the back seat.
Sweetie, come here.
Get in the back seat! - I've got to take my belt off, you maniac! - Hurry up! Hurry up! All right, give me the bra.
What are you doing? I'm setting the record straight with johnny law.
You're never gonna get it on in time.
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
Well, hello there, officer.
Damn it! Wow.
Another ticket.
It's a sad day for white people.
What the hell are you lookin' at? What? You used to stare at my breasts when you talked to me, Kenny.
No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
I'm down here.
Eyes, down here.
Get your head in the game.
- Honey-- - No.
There's nothing you can say.
I just have to face the facts.
The fact is I'm in a-- a new phase of my life, A phase where no one notices me, Unless of course they're giving me tickets.
Hey, I'll write you up right now For bein' gorgeous.
Honey, I appreciate what you're trying to do, But you have to admit it.
I don't look like I did when I was 20.
Of course you don't look like you did when you were 20.
How can you say that? I'm quoting you.
A-All right.
You know what? I'm just gonna leave you alone for a while.
No, no, no.
I want you to tell me right now.
How old do I look? Eddie, I'm serious.
Minus 25, Which puts us back to 10.
I cannot believe this is happening.
If I am not sexy Joy who can get out of speeding tickets with her inappropriate blouses and big boobs, Then who am i? Honey, look at me.
I'm gonna tell you who you are.
You're the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
All right, and that's all that matters.
Shut up, old man.
Come in.
Um, I'm just here to drop off beyonce.
Kenny's not here.
Put her anywhere, I'll try not to eat her.
Uh, don't you have a job? I called in old.
Are you ok? Yeah, I'm fine.
Why? Uh, your boobs look like the floor of a movie theater.
They kinda do.
Um, if you see kenny, tell him I said, "bite me.
" He'll know what it means.
I got a speeding ticket yesterday.
I've never got one before.
Well, did you show the cop-- I practically gave him a lap dance.
Maybe the cop was gay.
Well, then his life partner gave me another one two hours later.
I don't care what a cop says.
You got it goin' on.
The first time I saw you, I wanted to knock you out, cut your hair off, And weave it into mine.
I do have spectacular hair.
It's not the problem, though.
It's the rest of me that is the problem.
I'm officially off the hot grid.
Oh, no, girl.
You are hot.
You are You are as hot as you wanna be, And if you don't feel hot, then you need to do somethin' about it.
Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say.
You changed your whole life.
What'd you-- you lost 90 pounds in 6 months.
I'm not as disciplined as you are.
The only time I've been to my gym in the last year Was to steal tampons.
That's crazy.
What'd you do? You ran every day, huh? Uh, yeah.
Swimming? Pilates? Ok.
Did you cut out carbs? Uh, it was a little bit of cutting out carbs.
But mostly suckin' out my stomach with a hose.
No way.
Yes, way.
Girl, it's amazing what they can do.
These Used to be on my back.
What's up, man? - Lost your keys? - No.
Takin' a fart walk? That's what you doin'.
I been married 20 years.
I do my fartin' in the house.
It's just that I'm afraid to go inside, because when I left for work this morning, Joy was all angry about her age, And the only thing that's changed since then is she's 8 hours older.
She's still upset about that speeding ticket, huh? I don't know what do to anymore.
Whatever I say doesn't matter.
She only cares about what other people think.
I feel you, man.
Want me to hit on her? Just say the word, man.
I'll take it as far as you want me to take it.
Let's leave you makin' love to my wife in our back pockets.
You gotta go in there and face the music, right? - Hmm.
- Fix your face.
Man up.
Hello, Joy.
You look well today.
How are you? - Hey, baby.
- Hi.
- How was your day? - Great.
I'm getting plastic surgery.
What? Why? Nothing major.
Just a little lift here, a little tuck there, Maybe some botox.
What are you talking about? Honey, i-- I love those little lines in your forehead that I can't see, that don't even-- 10, your look 10 years old.
All right, i-- Are you sure you really wanna do this? It's not just for rich people.
Normal people are doing it, too.
You know my friend Roberta? She just had her boobs done.
Now she goes bouncing down the street with a white tank top and no bra.
Have you noticed her? No.
Eddie, I've seen you staring at her.
I'm part of the neighborhood watch, Joy.
Everyone's a suspect.
Look, we're-- We're not plastic surgery people, joy.
We're laser hair removal people at best.
I mean, Look, honey, I wanna grow old with you naturally.
We will grow old on the inside.
Listen, you don't understand.
It is-- It is easier for men.
You get a little older, you get more sophisticated, more distinguished.
I mean, not you, but men.
Ok, let me lay a little biology on you.
When you're young, you're hot, and then you get old.
No! Age is something that you fight.
Listen, i-- I have a consultation tomorrow, and I want you to meet me there, And I need your support on this.
- You really wanna do this? - I really do.
All right, f-fine, but listen.
I wanna tell you something, and i am being totally sincere here.
I love you just the way you are, ok, With every line on your face, with every imperfection.
It just makes me adore you more.
It reminds me of the-- the life we spent together And where we're headed together.
How big do you think my lower lip should be? Dr.
Patel? Yes? Hi.
Um, I-I'm Eddie Stark, And, uh, my wife is gonna be here In a few minutes for a consultation, And I just wanted to talk to you, because I'm a little concerned, because-- I understand.
I understand.
A lot of husbands are uncomfortable with me handling their wives' breasts.
Oh, no, no.
That doesn't bother me at all.
You go to town.
We're talkin' just hands, right? - This is actually my free time, so i-- - Right, right, right, and I respect that.
See, here's the thing.
My wife is a-- A beautiful woman, but she's goin' through some emotional stuff, So I need you to kind of talk her out of all this.
I'm really just here to present options And let my patients make their own decisions.
Ok, let me come at this from another angle.
There's very little chance i will be able to pay you.
Ok, I'm gonna level with you.
Last week, I stole gas.
We have several payment plans.
To be honest, what we do here isn't necessarily that drastic.
For instance, for less than you think, I could give you christian bale's cheekbones.
I'd rather have his wallet and charisma.
I-I'm broke and unpopular.
I'm Joy Stark, and I'm here to see dr.
Patel About getting a mop around this mess.
You were right, Joy.
We can be younger.
We can turn back the clock.
I can be beautiful again.
What? You know how you always said you wanted to sleep with John Stamos.
Well, here I come, baby.
Oh, my god.
Hey, I'm sorry I lost my mind in there.
I Guess I got all swept up in the Stamos of it all.
My fault.
Even as I was driving over here, I realized that this isn't who I am.
I mean, so I can't get out of a speeding ticket? You know, I'll get over it.
Who cares what people think? - That'll be, uh, $5.
- Ok 5.
I have a quarter in here somewhere Do you have a quarter? You know what? Let's just call it 5.
Really? We're gonna call it 5? Gonna call it 5.
Did you hear that, people? We are gonna call it 5, because He likes what he sees.
You like what you see, Gus? Oh, yeah.
That's right.
We're gonna call it 5, people! Aw, I am back.

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