'Til Death s03e02 Episode Script

Til Death Season 3 Episode 2 "'til death" is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
You're good.
This door won't open.
OK, just push right below the handle there.
Below the handle.
You got to push and pull at the same time.
How's a man supposed to push and pull at the same time? I might as well be doing nothing.
All right, look.
You know, let me get it.
You know what? A lot of you is in my no-dude zone.
You know what? I'm going out "dukes of hazzard" style.
Let me do this.
All right, easy.
I got this.
That is not as easy as it looks on television.
Well, she's back.
The car that bought me a boat.
- Yeah.
How you doing, sid? - Good.
What's wrong with her this time, eddie? What isn't wrong with her? The dome lights flicker and the door is stuck, And when I push her past 42 there is a noise in the engine.
It sounds like a monkey violating a squirrel.
What about the brakes? What's wrong with the brakes? What's wrong with the brakes? They don't stop the car.
All right.
Give me about 4 hours.
Check it out.
I put a doughnut hole into a dounut.
See? This is what the doughnut looked like before man got involved.
I can't hear a word you're saying right now.
I'm riding a pretty big sugar buzz.
You fellas interested in checking this baby out? She's a beautiful automobile.
Yeah.
Well, we're here for the doughnut holes, So you can save your seductively minty breath.
No problem, you're probably looking for something more conservative anyway.
Conservative? This man turned me on to barack obama.
Keep your pants on, kenny.
See, she thinks if she can make me feel not hip that I'll buy the car to prove that I am.
No, no, wait a minute.
My job is to sell you a car that suits your lifestyle, So let's start from there.
How old are you? About 60? I'll take it! I know it would be cheaper to buy a whole new dryer, but I have to talk to my husband first.
We always consult each other on big purchases.
Look, buddy, your little sales tricks aren't gonna work on this family, ok? We're practical, and we're hardworking, And we spend our money wisely.
Ok.
Thank you.
There she is.
How'd it go getting your car fixed? Not-Not good.
Not good at all.
No, we've problems, joy, with the spark plugs, the brake pads, flux capacitator.
I think we have to start thinking about- I don't know, buying a new car.
Yeah, no.
Wh-Why not? Well, you must mind behind getting a new dryer because ours is broken, And if I have to hang your pants out to dry, there will be a total eclipse.
If we get a new car, then you're gonna have to sell your old car, And remember when we tried to sell our vcr? That weird guy stole our toilet seat and climbed out the window.
Yeah, but come on, honey.
I mean, loosen up.
It's just money.
Ain't no pockets in heaven, you know? Les go buy a new dryer or a car! What is with you? Last week you punch the wall because I bought pre-cut pineapple.
Honey, you know that i love you and I want you to be happy, And there will come a time when you can get a new car, but it's not now.
Actually, it is now.
I can't believe you bought this without asking me.
Well, i didn't officially ask you, but we discussed it.
When? Two minutes ago in the kitchen You already bought the car.
You know, it just sounds like someone's in the mood for a fight, so.
.
Seriously, eddie, a red sport car.
This is a classic midlife crisis.
Why don't you get your ear pierced and marry calista flockhart? Just because I bought a red convertible and I happen to be in the middle of my life does not mean I'm having a midlife crisis.
Joy, honey, come on.
Check out this high-tech dashboard.
I had it customized with all the bells and whistles.
I got the gps, the triple start, the bluetooth And for an extra 7.
50 a month, you can wi-fi your mypage space.
It's myspace page, grandpa.
Hey, you know what else? You can actually email photos right from the dashboard.
You know what else you can email from the dashboard? A cry for help.
- Eddie, can you even fit in this thing? - Like a glove.
Teacher's face have a smile, maybe you get a ride.
Relax! A red convertible? Right? It's insulting.
It's worse than insulting.
It's a hostile act on his part.
All he thinks about is that stupid car.
The only time he's touched me in the last week, he ran his hand down my arm and said, "My seats are softer than your skin".
My fourth husband d this exact same thing.
Here's what you do.
This is good.
This is why I come to you.
Slash his tires.
Excuse me? Go in the kitchen, get the biggest butcher knife you can find, And shred the living hell out of those tires.
Are there leather seats? Yeah- Listen to me.
After you do the tires, take the knife and you bury it in the driver's side headrest like a colombian drug lord.
Joy, I've trying work out the numbers for that caribbean cruise package we've been working on.
I've got the event coordinator on the line.
You know, the one you call horse-face heidi? Stu, you're still wearing your headset.
Stupid phone from the future! Come on! Get your head in the game, brah! Who let them dogs out? Woof woof woof woof who let them dogs out? Woof woof woof woof You know, the real question is, who let you out? Did you just roller-skate Yeah.
My ex-wife took my ride, so I'm kind of in between cars right now.
But it's all good.
He also need some fresh air anyway.
So.
.
I took my dog out woof woof woof woof iook my dog out woof woof woof woof who took my dog out? Skates needs new wheels, man, and I was skating by the dealership this morning, man.
I noticed your car was on the market again.
What are you asking? If you can buy my old car? Go for it.
- You sure you don't mind? - Why would I mind? You guys were together a long time, man.
And we're friends, you know what I'm saying? I don't want to move in on your old hoopty, man, And then there's some kind of weirdness going on between a you.
Well, trust me.
If there's any weirdness going on, it's because you're wearing a chihuahua.
All right.
So we're cool, right? We're cool.
Oh, crap.
The crows are back! Get away! You should have seen him with his short shorts and his slopest sponges, I felt like I was watching an old "Wham!" Video.
Here's what you do.
You get your own soap and your own sponges, and then you find a latin man with a ponytail and ride him like a dirt bike.
Did they do a background check on you? Well, you better do something to turn his head, or the next thing you know, a private detective will be showing you 8x10 glossies of that car pulling into a motel with a 20-year-old yoga instructor who's dying to teach him downward dog.
You're right, but what am i gonna do? Start dating someone? I mean, do I literally have to parade a guy in front of his face to get his attention? - Hey, Stu, how's going? - Uh, super not good.
I was trying to photocopy my face for a party invite.
I forgot to close my eyes.
Well, i hope that party's not tomorrow night, Because I just got off the phone with corporate, and they are anxious for us to finish that cruise package.
Oh, damn it! Being an executive is so hard.
I should have joined the army, there will be home now.
Yeah, I'm not happy about it either, but here's an idea.
We don't have to finish it here at the office.
Maybe we could do it at my place.
Your place? Yeah.
It'll be totally cas'- You know, wear some tight pants and a tight little shirt and shave your chest.
I don't know.
Whatever.
Mr.
Stark? Who's that? Who's talking? This is judy from Tripstar.
I see your car alarm has been activated.
Is everything ok? Uh, i don't know.
How poisonous is wiper fluid? Just try to calm down and tell me what's happening.
Ok.
Well, I was going to Winky Mart to pick up some orange juice, And the car tried to kill me.
That's what's happening.
Ok,I'm just gonna need you to hit the reset button.
- Oh, god.
- What is it? I think I accidentally activated my seat heater.
It's ok, mr.
Stark.
I'm gonna reset your on-board computer right now.
Ok.
Well, please hurry.
It's roasting my kielbasa! That's too much information, sir.
All right, listen.
You gotta help me, Judy.
Please don't let me die at Winky Mart.
God bless you, judy from tripstar.
Wassup, playa? Remember your old car? You pimped my ride.
She's beautiful.
What do you got going on there? Dragons? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I should have thought of that.
Those spinning hubcaps are cool.
Looks like the car's moving when it's not.
I like that.
- So do we.
- We? Eddie, you know marla.
She lives down the street from you.
Yes.
I think we had a moment the other day when I was washing my car.
This ring a bell? I remember that car.
You will never guess what marla named her dog.
Jay-Z.
Look at that.
Beyonce and jay-Z.
It's a doggie date.
Listen, marla, if you ever want to take a spin In the roadster, you know where I live.
Yeah, that's ok.
I know what it's like.
My mom has one.
Well, she must be a very cool lady.
She's ok.
Ok.
We're rolling, man.
Be good.
It was nice meeting you, sir.
Oh, god.
Engage roof.
Engage roof! Come on, roof! Come on.
Come on! It's got my hair! It's got my hair.
Judy.
Judy! Can I go home now? My brain is full.
No.
I think we should go over this itinerary one more time.
Oh, man.
My dog is so pooping in my kitchen right now.
You're right.
We're done.
But before you go.
.
Let's celebrate.
Here you go.
Here is to a long, hard week.
Stu, you are so funny.
What do I do? Oh, hey, eddie, i didn't expect you home so soon.
Stu and I were, um,we were just doing a little work.
Joy, can I talk to you for a minute, please? Excuse me, Stu.
Listen,I'm-I'm sorry I've been acting like such an ass these last couple of days.
- Yes, you have.
- Sit down.
You know, sometimes in life, the thing you love the most, you take for granted, And I guess what I'm trying to say is, I never really appreciated my old car.
Eddie, look around you.
Romantic lighting and wine and another man.
I mean, don't you see what is going on here? Not really.
I'm kind of lost, too.
Doesn't it look like someone is having an affair? - What? - What? Not a real affair.
I staged all this and I used Stu to make it look like I was having an affair.
Wait.
So none of this is real? You mean the last 8 weeks of my life have been a charade? The interview, the computer, the awesome desk.
No, Stu.
The job is real.
I'm just talking about the last 90 minutes.
Don't you see what you are doing to me? What did I do? Ever since you bought that stupid car, it's as if I am invisible! But I guess that's something that I'm gonna have to get used to for the rest of my life- You getting shiny new objects because you don't want to focus on your boring, old wife.
So do I show up to work tomorrow, or- Yes, Stu, you will come to work tomorrow.
I'm sorry about this.
See you tomorrow.
- Can I get my laptop? - No.
All right.
Listen, honey, I'm sorry all this happened.
You know, it's not fun feeling like you can be replaced by a car.
All right, listen, joy.
Look at me.
Look at me.
I am so lucky to have you.
You are the most beautiful, passionate, smartest lady in the world, And there's not a car out there that can ever replace you.
Certainly not one in my price range.
This all you needed to to say.
Is that so hard? I'm sorry that you missed your car.
Yeah, sorry You know, what to done is done, ah? - No, get take it for the last spin.
- How is there? You never get Kenny the extra key.
It's feels good to be back.
Don't you think we should talk Kenny what we did, ah? Yeah Sorry, I'll have it back before even he know it's gone.
Want to stop over, or you want be on the news?