'Til Death s03e04 Episode Script

Til Death is filmed in front of live studio audience Edward scissornuts.
Want to give me a hand with this watermelon? Yeah.
it feels good to work the earth, joy.
You know, till the soil.
Our forefathers, when they landed on plymouth rock $7.
There better be 6 bucks of change in here.
It's organic.
Why don't you loosen up the daisy dukes and jump into the 21st century? Hey,I'll have you know that mrs.
gerstenfeld walked her dog by 4 times just to sneak a peek at these getaway sticks.
You wan to take a run at a 90-year-old woman? Be my guest.
And why are you buying all of this healthy mother earth crap? Our daughter is dating a hippie.
This is the only food that he will eat.
Do you remember when we tried to serve him a cheeseburger, he chained himself to the grill? $8.
00 for eggs? They're free range.
They don't keep the chickens in cages.
So, what, do I got to pay a farmer to chase them around? Doug requested them.
Yeah, well, he's got pretty expensive tastes for a guy who for christmas gave me a box of snow.
Honey, he's her boyfriend.
She loves him.
All we can do is accept it and then subtly undermine him at every possible turn.
Oh, here they are.
Why do you have to yell so much? It meant nothing! Nothing? You call that nothing? Ok, how many different ways can I say I'm sorry? Why don't you try it with your head up your ass? Aw, she got that from me.
Ok, you're very angry right now.
I think we should channel this negativity and now we're throwing things.
Honey, those are those are $1.
50 apiece.
$3.
00,4.
50.
$6.
I cannot believe I had 7 hours of tantric sex with you this morning! Wha-what? And the throwing she got from you.
Mom.
Oh, god, he's such a jerk.
Why do I sleep with every guy who plays guitar? Listen, honey.
Things like this happen.
Who knows? Maybe you'll find a guy whose apartment doesn't have expired tags.
You guys almost seem happy about this.
No.
We're devastated.
Come one.
Oh, me, too.
Tell us what happened, sweetheart.
Ok, so there's this girl samantha who we met on facebook.
Well, she added "doug is a hottie.
" He winked at her, she winked at him, and then he poked her fun wall.
Help me out.
Am I supposed to be furious or disgusted? So anyway, we're all hanging out in our dorm room smoking.
Whitefish.
And then samantha kisses me, so I kiss her back, and then I kiss doug, and then doug.
Kisses.
Samantha! Can you believe it? All I'm hearing is my daughter is a lesbian.
Dad, grow up.
I'm in college.
What the hell just happened? Easy, eddie.
She's just experimenting.
Oh, yeah? Did you do that in college? How do you think I got to be president of my sorority votes? - Kenny.
- Oh, god.
Why is there a naked man doing a handstand in my bedroom? Actually it was a headstand, and I was Sweetie, this is, um this is kenny, the guy I told you about who's been sleeping in your room for a little while while he finds his own place, which is taking an awfully long time.
It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
By the way, your seventh grade diary a triumph.
So where you staying at? Uh, my room.
You know, the one that has the unicorn and the harlequin masks and the big bubble letters that say "allison" over the bed? Well, now it just says "son.
" Yeah.
Ok, kenny, look.
I was thinking that maybe you could, uh.
Stay on the sofa this weekend, huh? Why do I got to stay on the sofa? Because she's our daughter.
What a gut punch.
You know what? Maybe I won't sleep on the couch.
Maybe I'll go and find myself someplace else to stay.
Ok, great.
I'm gonna stay on the couch.
Because you need to see the pain you've caused.
It was nice to meet you.
Whatever.
Snooze.
Snooze, damn it.
Why don't you snooze? I think it's coming from outside the window.
Whose whose alarm clock is outside our window? What's going on? I think jesus is back and he brought a guitar.
Hey, uh, hello.
Mother of the bitch here.
Listen, a couple of things.
One, wrong window.
And two, if you're trying to impress a girl, maybe look 30% less homeless.
Well,i I was just trying to explain to her we know the story, buddy.
You poked her firewall.
We're old.
We don't know what that means.
But we do know that our daughter is not into chicks.
No disrespect, sir, but there was a lot of crazy stuff going on in that loft, and frankly, one of the challenges of loving your daughter is that she's so open sexually.
Ok, that's it.
Wait.
where did he go? There's some points I wanted to go oh, my god.
You better run.
He got away, didn't he? I had him, joy.
I had him, but he doesn't wash his hair, and he slipped right through my fingers.
And then I ran into this immense spiderweb and I kind of freaked out.
I'm telling you, it's still on me! Hey, spiderman, you think maybe we could pick this up in the morning? Oh, great.
I was hoping you'd come in here and put your ass where my head goes.
That's it.
just relax.
I was all relaxed till everybody came running in here through my bedroom.
I was promised that after the local news, this area would be my private sanctuary.
You know what? Maybe I should just leave.
All right.
I'm gonna stay.
But I want it known for the record that this is not cool, ok? What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
Your guitar-strumming cage-free-chicken-eating boyfriend was out there singing you a song, is what's going on.
Oh, is it "be my bitch tonight"? You know what? I don't care if it was, because you know what? He's a jerk.
Yes, you're right, he is a jerk, and I told him never to show his face around this house again, and then I looked him right in the peepers and i told him,"i forbid you to see my daughter.
" You did what? Uh, allison,I'm gonna go get you a little glass of water.
Eddie, come with me.
Why? Because I have a new brand of cookie that I would like you to try.
Ok.
What are you doing out there? "I forbid you to see my daughter.
" What? The more you hate doug, the more you are gonna drive allison back to his quivering body.
You know what? You're right.
you're 100% right.
Fine.
thank you for your support on this.
So no new cookies? First my daughter, now my hedges.
I'm bringing my green thumb down on you, little man.
Ok, so here's the plan.
We go up to his parents' house and I calmly tell doug that if he ever shows up to my house again or lays eyes on my daughter, that you, my associate, will give him a back-alley beatdown.
You had to go with the flowered shirt.
What do you want me to do? I need you to look tough.
I'm not good at looking tough.
I'm a clown by nature.
You want your room back or not? Is this tough enough? Try crazy.
Ok, that's like gay crazy, but I like it.
It goes with the shirt.
How far out is this place? What, do these people live in a clay hut? Here we go.
There it is.
That is one big-ass hut.
May I help you? Yes.
We're here to see doug something.
Von steusen.
You must be flocko.
He's expecting you.
The message is "leave the ziplock of oregano in the mailbox.
" No, no, no.
Um, we're just here to talk to him.
Tell him it's mr.
stark.
Please.
It should just be a moment.
He's in the main house.
What the hell is going on here, huh? This isn't even the main house.
I'm gonna see if they got a gift shop.
Beverage, sir? Thank you.
Actually, i am a little parched.
Oh, hey, mr.
stark.
Um, i assume this is about the love note I left in your shrubbery.
Yeah, whatever.
You you live here? Well, i grew up here.
My great- great-grandfather was the first guy to discover oil in this hemisphere.
Really? First guy.
It's good to get in on the ground floor of oil.
Listen, um, you know, i was doing some thinking, and I think you and allison you you lovebirds got to patch things up.
Really? I always got the vibe that you didn't like me.
When did you get that vibe? Uh, when you were chasing me around your yard trying to kill me? Ok, look,I'm gonna level with you.
I'm 1/8 cherokee, and the chase was actually part of a ritualistic dance that we do to welcome new members to the tribe.
Welcome.
That's far out.
Bonjour, douglas.
That's my fourth mom.
She's my third mom's sister.
Look what I found in the backyard! Giddy-up! Next stop the pool! Where have you been all day? You know, honey,I've been thinking about what you've been saying about doug and allison, and you are absolutely right.
The harder I come down on her, the more she's just gonna want him back.
So you know what I did? I went out to his place, apologized, and invited him over for an organic feast.
What? I didn't say go over there.
I said stay out of it.
Honey,I'm trying to be nice to the guy.
That's what you told me to do.
Pick a feeling, lady.
I can't believe you invited him over for dinner.
Why are you acting so weird? We're rich! What? We are set for life.
What is going on here? All right, listen.
Honey, listen to me.
Doug little, pale, jobless doug is rich.
Now,I'm not talking the johnsons' above-ground pool rich.
I'm talking a mansion, lamborghini, pony in the living room, marry our daughter rich.
Hey, he's not kidding.
I was there.
They're so loaded, their servants are white! Ok, so now all of a sudden you want allison to marry doug just because he's got some money? Not some money, all the money.
Don't you understand, honey? He is our ticket out of this mess.
What mess? This mess.
The mess we made of our lives.
look around.
we live like animals.
You really do.
In that house, i would have my own room.
So let's just say that they do get married.
How is that gonna help us? We would be their in-laws.
Don't you understand? They would give us stuff.
Their old watches, rugs, gold coins, and when they go on vacation, we would be able to tag along.
You know how you always wanted to go to greece? God knows I'm not gonna get you there.
That's for damn sure.
Eddie, they're not gonna take us on vacation.
They'll have to.
We're blood.
We're the newest branches on the von steusen family tree.
And not only that not only that, here.
You want to see something? Look at that, huh? Look at that.
Oh, my god.
That's right.
And that's not even the main house.
This is the main house.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
you see? Now you understand what I'm talking about, right? We do kind of live like animals.
And, joy, you have to admit, what I'm talking about doing is not that bad.
Right.
I i i that's true.
I mean, allison and doug really do love each other.
Exactly.
And it's not about us.
I mean, even if they don't give us a dime, we know that our daughter is happy and well taken care of.
And that's what really matters.
Right.
But I think they're gonna give us some money.
Oh, he's here! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
We can't all of a sudden like the guy.
I mean, allison is gonna get suspicious.
Right, right, right, right, right.
Ok, here's what we have to do.
We have to pretend that we are totally opposed to this, and then she's gonna want him more.
Ok, but it's gonna be hard because I love him so much.
There he is.
Doug, what are you doing here? Uh, your father invited me over.
Why? Honey, that is an excellent question.
Tell her, joy.
Um, even though your father and I are opposed to this.
Wildly opposed.
And we don't believe that the two of you should be together.
We forbid it.
Ok.
Uh, we we believe that doug should have one last chance to state his case and then say good-bye forever.
Yes, but then again, we can't control whatever decision you kids make in the privacy of your own beach house.
Allison, i adore you, and I love you.
Come on.
you can't love her from here.
go over there.
The only reason I kissed samantha was because everyone else but us had kissed.
She and I were the only kiss combo that was left, you know? It didn't mean anything.
Sounds like pretty standard menage-a-trois etiquette to me.
I'm sorry, allison.
So you really don't care about her? Well, i care about all of god's creatures.
But you're the only one I want to be with.
You're the only one I want to be with.
What a beautiful moment.
God, i missed your taste.
Hooray.
Ok, everybody, come, please, sit.
Family! Wait a minute.
Now you want us to be together? What's going on? I believe your father, deep down, knows that you and I are meant to be.
That's true.
If loving this fuzzy, granola-eating bastard is a crime, then lock me up.
Lock us both up.
I mean, when he came by my house this morning wait a minute! You saw his house? Ok, i get it.
You found out that doug comes from money, and now you want us to be together.
That's just great, dad.
That is solid parenting.
See, that is hurtful, and i I don't even know joy.
Honey, your father and I don't care about money.
I mean, all we wish for you is what we have a house filled with love and very little else.
Amen to that.
Sir,I'm so glad to hear you say that.
Honestly, i wish you were my father.
Well, that could happen, you know? In some countries, only you and I would have to agree on this.
- I mean,I've always respected - give him some room, darling.
Come on over.
I've always respected you, but now I know that we're kindred spirits.
What the hell is that? Come here.
I just I just want you to know that I will never touch a penny of my family's money.
What's that now? Sir, you're hurting hurting me.
Not nearly as much as you're hurting me.
Eddie.
All my family's money is from oil, and in my opinion, that's blood money.
- You know, dad.
he's right - stay out of this, sweetheart.
Yes, you stay out of it.
This is between the von steusens and the stark von steusens.
No, you know, you guys all unbelievable, all right? Doug, let's go, we leave it.
What I'm getting my room back.
Who are you? I'm samantha, allison's friend from college.
We are allison's parents.
Oh, so nice to meet you.
You have incredible daughter.
I just loved her.
Do you come from money?