'Til Death s03e05 Episode Script

Philadelphia Freedom

Til Death is filmed in front of live studio audience what is up with you? I thought it was a perfectly delightful auction.
Ok, you know what? I can deal with you bidding on the 25-pound wheel of cheese, but putting me in the back so it can ride shotgun, not cool.
Don't be offended.
I just wanted to make sure the cheese had an air bag.
That's great.
Seriously, cheese does not know how to brace itself for a collision.
You do.
All I know is the woodcocks won a night downtown with with dinner and theater tickets and a night at a trendy hotel.
Meanwhile, i don't know which one of us gets to sleep next to you tonight.
Come on.
You know our bed is way too warm for cheese.
Honey, look, i don't think you really appreciate what this is here.
Now, come on, feel it.
Rub your hand along the waxy protective coating.
Imagine the creamy tenderness within.
And then imagine the balloon procedure you're gonna have after consuming all of that.
Don't listen to her.
You and I are gonna have a lot of fun.
You know what? Call me old-fashioned, but I always thought you'd leave me for another woman.
So listen, when we got home, we looked at our calendar and realized my sisters are coming to visit next weekend, so we can't use our night out downtown, and we wanted to offer it to you guys.
- That's great.
- No, thank you.
Could you clarify what you have against a night downtown and tickets to a show? Honey, i hate musicals.
You know that.
I mean, do you ever really believe that the male lead likes girls? Come on.
We would love it.
Thank you very much.
Let me give you some money.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Don't worry about it.
It was our dumb mistake.
It's for the school anyway.
You can just have it.
That's that's incredibly sweet.
Take our cheese.
As a token.
That is awesome.
You know,I've been eyein' this cheese all night.
What just happened? That's ok.
I don't know if we have room for it in our fridge.
Steph, are you kidding? We'll make room.
What about all my batteries? Batteries don't have to be refrigerated.
Oh, and your macrobiotic shampoo does? That stuff contains living yeast cultures.
It's alive, steph, and my alopecia would be running wild without it.
Eddie, just give them the cheese.
I you know what? I don't want to.
Please, don't worry about it.
Give them the cheese.
But I love it.
All right.
Just take it.
But if I hear that any of that ended up on top of a salad, everyone's in trouble.
Everyone! Aw, how fantastic was that meal? I know.
Chocolate mousse with cayenne pepper, is it chocolaty? Is it spicy? It's both, you kooky chef.
I wish you could have seen how on I was tonight at intermission.
The guy at the urinal next to me, he laughed so hard, he broke stream 3 times.
I'm sure you were funny, babe.
Aw, you know what? I have to tell you, at first, i was dreading this evening, but I have to say it's turned out pretty amazing.
Ah, it sure has.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Did you hear that? We just said,"i love you," and neither of us is being wheeled into minor surgery.
I know.
Dare I say that there is something magical happening to us tonight? We're half an hour away from home, and somehow we've been transformed.
I mean, look at me.
I haven't worn this outfit in years.
In the suburbs, i would just look like a prostitute.
You would.
You look incredibly slutty.
And maybe later in the hotel,I'll throw you a freebie.
Oh, that's good,'cause I don't have that kind of cash on me.
Eddie, wait a second.
Maybe someday when you know, when you're done teaching, we don't need that big house to take care of.
We should buy an apartment down here.
Well, why would we do that? Well, just think about it, how great it would be.
We can walk to restaurants.
We can go to theater.
I mean, look at us tonight.
We could have a great life downtown.
Oh, i couldn't live in the city.
I mean, there are more chihuahuas here than people, and you can't even go grocery shopping.
You can only take 2 bags, and you gotta wheel it home in one of those little carts.
No, no, no.
That's old-lady stuff.
Ok, wait.
So you can't even discuss the idea of moving what could we even afford downtown? A box.
A box, joy.
You know I can't go to the bathroom when I'm just a couple inches away from you.
I need a a one-room buffer zone.
I can't believe how stubborn you're being about this.
But you're not even making any sense.
Do you realize we couldn't even fit our sectional into an apartment? Ok, there are these things.
I don't know if you've heard of them.
They're called furniture stores.
We could actually buy a new couch.
Ok, you are now officially insane.
It's taken countless hours of watching "shawshank redemption" to mold that couch to my ass, and we're just gonna throw that all away? Are you so afraid of change, you're not even willing to entertain the idea of something new and exciting? I'm not afraid.
We already have a home, and it's perfectly lovely.
Ok, so that's it? Just no? I'm gonna have to die in that house? "That house"? That's our house.
You're gonna die in that house, I'm gonna die in that house, and we're gonna like it.
You know what? I can't i I have to be alone, ok? I will meet you in the hotel.
- What are you - taxi! W-wait.
But what about the hotel sex? You're really in your own little world, aren't you? So you didn't even get hotel sex? Nope.
Too bad.
I love me my hotel sex.
If you focus on the strange furniture and nothing else, it's almost like having an affair.
Yeah, well, it didn't happen.
So what was this big fight about? All right.
Well, the cheese me, heidi.
Try it with some pear.
Just the cheese, please.
All right, well, it actually first was a really a magical night, and then we start walkin' back to the hotel, and joy brings up the idea of us movin' to the city someday, to which I say no way in hell, to which she gives me a rather graphic hand gesture.
Ng story short, no boom-boom for the big man.
And all this was over moving into the city someday? Yep.
You lost out on glorious, dirty hotel sex because of a hypothetical fight about something that is not happening now and probably never will? I gather you think I made a poor decision.
That I do.
She cornered me.
I had to stake my claim.
But anything could happen in the future.
You could get divorced.
I could support myself with my irish dancing.
Look, ed, i know you like to be right all the time, but in a hypothetical fight, all you ever have to do is say yes to whatever.
Yes gets you sex.
No gets you no sex and a room full of dudes eatin' cheese.
See,I've only been married one year, and even I know that.
It's like me and steph had this big fight one night over what to name our kids.
She is all into gaylord.
I mean, like I'm gonna really name my kid gaylord.
Gaylord woodcock.
She's really not leaving anything to chance, is she? But I realized we are not having kids for years.
So I said yes.
I got all the points for being a great guy.
And I'll fight that stupid-ass name when she's all drugged up in the hospital.
Hey, todd, you agree with this? Oh, yeah.
My wife thinks her mother's moving in with us when she gets old.
That woman's either dying before or on the way to my house.
Really? So I'm just supposed to give in? When it's all hypothetical, just be the hero and throw your lady a yes'm.
You know, this drawer is doing that thing where it sticks again, but I guess I'm gonna have to get used to it, because I'm gonna be here for the rest of my life.
Which actually isn't gonna be that long, because when I do get it open, I'm gonna stab myself with the first knife I see.
You know, apropos to that,I've been doing some thinking about this downtown thing, and maybe much like our faulty drawer,i, too, may get stuck in my ways.
You know, you're the one with the vision, joy.
You're the one who said we should carpet the basement, and I fought you.
Oh, i fought you like an angry monkey.
But you were right, and I'll be damned if you're not right about this.
So let's do it.
Let's move downtown someday.
Really? A-are you serious? Absolutely.
The big city! Someday.
But what about all that stuff about this being our home? Oh, honey, you know what? I realized that any place is our home as long as it has you and my shower chair.
Oh, honey,i I know that you're always a little afraid of change, but this is gonna be so great for us.
It's gonna be like chapter Aw, baby, if chapter 2 is anything like chapter one, i can't wait.
Not that crazy about chapter 3,'cause that's probably where one of us dies.
Oh, god.
I'm so excited about this.
I mean, there's there's so much that we can do down there.
We can join the art museum, and they're always having those jazz cocktail hours, and we can go to film festivals.
And we can run up and down the "rocky" steps over and over again.
Oh, baby,I'm so sorry that we got in such a big fight over this.
Oh, me, too, but we're gonna be livin' downtown, laughin' about this fight someday.
In the meantime, i believe I owe you some hotel sex.
Really? And how do we exactly replicate the hotel aspect of the sex? Well, here's what we're gonna do.
Yes? We're gonna turn off the lights and do what we need to do, and then every 10 minutes,I'm gonna knock on the wall and yell,"housekeeping.
" I'm gonna put on my fluffy robe.
Hey, you.
Would it be inappropriate to send you a thank-you note for your craftsmanship in the bedroom last night? Hey, can I come in kinda quick? What's happening? Need to get this the hell out of my life.
Jeff's in the shower.
When he gets out,I'm telling him a neighbor's dog ran into the kitchen, ate it, and ran off to die in a distant field.
Ok, that's not a good story.
It is if you people back me up.
Hello, old friend.
I'm gonna put you on a doughnut.
Ok, i have about 7 minutes while jeff does his mud mask.
So tell me, how was the night out downtown? Oh, it turned out really great.
In fact, don't get too used to us as neighbors, because we're actually thinking of moving down there.
In a magical time called someday.
Really? We would miss you guys.
We would miss you so much.
You know, it's funny you're bringing this up, because a girlfriend of mine from yoga is a realtor for this big condo complex they're building downtown.
What? Yeah.
It's not gonna be ready for years, but she said if you get in before they break ground, you can get an amazing deal.
They're showing model units this weekend.
Oh, my god.
Is this a sign or what? Eddie, we gotta check that out.
Yeah, yeah, we we gotta.
Thank you for telling us about this great opportunity.
Asses! Ho, what's that about? Well, i took your advice about how to handle my hypothetical problem, and I told joy that we would be moving to the city someday, and then your wife comes over and tells her about this great, hot condo deal, and now I'm actually moving downtown, asses! It sounds like your hypothetical problem is no longer hypothetical.
How did your glorious brain get wasted teaching dodgeball? I did not see this comin'.
Is that my cheese? No, it's mine.
Some crazy dog ate your cheese.
So joy talked with this realtor, and it turns out that we're touring this model apartment tomorrow.
What am I gonna do? I really don't know.
This possibility didn't occur to any one of you? Well, to be honest, i wasn't really listening that hard.
I was kinda thinking about what I was gonna have for dinner.
I'm gonna have to live in the city.
Do you think this body could climb down a fire escape? I'm gonna burn, boys.
I'm gonna burn hard.
Ended up goin' with beef stew.
- Um, and you - me? Yes, you.
Steph just had to give us the big, fancy night downtown, and steph had to tell joy about the condo deal.
You know what? This is your cheese, and it's delicious.
Look at this.
This is phone cards for homeowners and mini penciles, look at this, the towers at boathouse row.
How cool is that? We could be living in a building with their own mini pencils.
I can finally write my tiny novel.
Ok, so listen.
The woman that I talked to said that these units were 80% sold, so we have to be prepared to move.
I brought the checkbook.
Oh, you did, you crazy kid.
Give me that.
- Is everything ok? - Yeah.
Yeah, everything is great.
It's just, you know, being downtown, you know, the energy,I'm all hopped up.
What is it about being in the city that brings out such honesty? I feel like I could tell you anything, like I don't wanna live in the city.
What? You said that you loved this idea.
Yeah, i know, honey, but you said we would do it someday, not now.
You see, someday has that nice implied never going for it, where now is really, really soon.
So basically you never wanted to move here? That is correct.
You just made me think that you would move so I'd get all fancy on you in the bedroom? Wh-wh how dare you? Yes.
Wh-wh nipple and hair! Nipple and hair! Nipple hi, randy? I spoke to you earlier.
Joy and eddie stark.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
So this is our one-bedroom model, and I'm happy to say demand has been so great, we're already selling units in building 7, so.
All right, let me show you around a little bit.
Granite countertops are standard, as are top-of-the-line stainless-steel appliances.
Here's a feature that I love.
It's a plasma.
Could you do that again? Sure.
And once more, if you would.
- So, uh, randy.
- Yes.
- This is the living, dining, kitchen area.
- Yes.
What is this big area right here? Oh, uh oh, that unit is on our premier level.
It's a little bit more pricey.
It's 1-4.
Like 1-4 thousand? You're funny.
Did you wanna see it? My husband found that jacket.
What do you think? Well, i know that it's not huge, but all of our buildings have a lot of common space a rec room, gym, movie night and the flannigan's chain is putting in a flagship restaurant on the ground floor, so I hope you don't mind the smell of potato skins wafting into your apartment.
I'm gonna let the two of you just poke around a little bit, and then I can answer any of your questions.
Thank you.
I have to tell you, i haven't flip-flopped like this since I changed my stance on sandra bullock.
Honey, you were right.
I love this place.
It's tiny.
I hate it.
Let's go.
No, no, wait, wait.
How come all of a sudden, you're jumping off-board here? I i don't you understand? We will be living directly on top of a festive chain restaurant.
You know how I've always dreamed about a place where I could run my own tab.
"Uh, hi, flannigan's.
It's me.
" You know, i love it.
That's ridiculous.
We are not gonna base our decision about where we live on potato skins.
Why not? Potato skins make me happy.
You know what would make me happy? Leaving here and going to get a coffee drink with booze in it.
Joy,i I want to do this.
Well, no.
I am putting my foot down.
Oh, she put her foot down.
Heads-up, brother.
Her foot is down.
Any questions? - We're gonna have to take a minute to think about it.
- Yes, we wanna put in a down payment.
Ok, so let me get this straight.
When you say yes and I say no, it happens, but if I say yes and you say no, it's off, huh? Well, that just isn't fair.
Well, you know what? Life's not fair, bub.
Oh, yeah? Wanna know what else isn't fair? I'm 3 feet taller than you, so I'm gonna write a down-payment check way up here! - No, you're not.
- That's right.
Oh, yes, i am.
Julius erving property group.
You can't keep your hands up there all day, eddie.
Oh, really? Well, i once spent an entire summer in high school feeding giraffes at the zoo, and those suckers eat constantly.
Give me that! The big city.
Yeah, seriously.
Stop it.
I'm serious.
I walked into that place, and.
I mean, sure it was sleek, and it was cool and everything, but it wasn't our scratched-up kitchen table that we have coffee at every morning, and it wasn't our annoying, broken silverware drawer, and it certainly wasn't our big, beige sectional couch that's not only molded to your ass, but my ass as well.
We made those dents together.
That's what matters.
I'm sorry.
You were right.
It's our home.
Come on, baby.
Let's go home.
Yeah, but the pretty plasma went up and down and up and down.
Oh, my god.
Our car.
They took our radio.
I hate downtown! Thank you.
I feel so violated.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Come on.
Let's go home.
Oh, my god! They stole my cheese! What the hell was the cheese doing in the car? Well, i had 18 pounds left, and it was staring to turn, so I'd travel with it to maximize my intake.
Oh, my god.
Look, all right, you know what? You drive, because I'm gonna keep my eyes peeled for some punks eatin' cheese.

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