'Til Death s04e09 Episode Script

No cable.
I forgot.
We're saving money.
Is that a new magazine? Yeah.
How much did it cost? I have no idea.
Really? You have no idea? Well, it says Says 4.
95 right on the cover there.
That must be a clue.
What's your point? Well, the point is, honey, I can tell you what is in there for free.
You ready? Crap.
The recipe for crap.
Who's cheating on crap.
Who's adopting crap.
It's all crap.
Ok, point taken.
I will give them up.
Thank you.
How much did that book cost, Eddie? This is a history book, all right? It's a book for work.
Really? How come there's a vampire on the cover? Ok, all right, no more books.
Ok.
You know, we're this close To watchin' white-trash tv.
What's white-trash tv? It's where a bunch of people sit around and watch a dog lick itself.
You know, since we've already, you know, Invested in these particular items, maybe we should just go ahead and read them.
I think that would be wise.
Ok.
Be wasteful not to.
Yes, it would be.
Right? Or we could have sex.
You know, it's kind of expensive, Joy.
How so? Well, you know how we're Every time I'm finished, I get real hungry, You know, and then I gotta go downstairs, I gotta flip on the lights, I gotta open the fridge, And factor in the cost of the pie that I'm gonna eat.
And then the water it's gonna take to wash the dishes and myself.
It's deceptively pricey, Joy.
All right.
I was just takin' one for the team.
How you doin', babe? How am I doing? It's a good question.
Existentially speaking, I'm not sure I exist.
What? What if what if we're all just part Of somebody else's dream, you know? Like who? I don't know.
Like maybe some woman in Guatemala who spent the night Singing yes! We have no bananas in a karaoke bar, And now she's sleepin' in a hot room with a broken fan And has no idea there's, like, an iguana under her bed.
You ever think of that possibility? I can honestly answer no to that question.
Or worse, what if We're just characters in a sitcom Made up by some Hollywood hack To support his need for whores and narcotics? Did you have a wake and bake brownie breakfast? I'm serious, Ally.
I know this sounds like my normal paranoia, But I've been noticing some really weird stuff lately.
Like what? Like did you ever notice How nobody ever does or says anything While facing upstage? Upstage? Away from the cameras.
Honey, you're starting to scare me.
Do you ever hear laughter? Do you hear that? Okay, babe.
I'm gonna just make an appointment with Dr.
Sportello.
All right, fine.
But it won't help.
He'll just make make jokes, And his office'll only have 3 walls.
Something profound happened to me today, Joy, Something life-altering.
What? I looked into the face of god.
Where? Target.
And what did God look like, dear? Well, he's flat, 52 inches, and appears in high definition.
He goes by the name of Sony, and he's all things good.
Honey, we've been over this.
You what you're really saying to me is, "Joy, I'd really like to buy a hi-def television.
" No, what I'm really saying is, Joy, I bought a hi-def television.
I am using bacon fat as a moisturizer And you go out and you buy a hi-def television? But, honey, it was 60% off.
It would have been Financially irresponsible not to buy it.
Please explain that to me, Eddie.
Well, because it's never gonna be this cheap again, And it would have cost us more money down the road.
At the rate that we're going, I don't think we're gonna make it down the road.
Let me tell you something.
Everything is on sale.
It's gettin' me crazy.
I'm actually thinking about buying things I don't even want.
I almost picked up a male hooker 'cause he was half price.
How does he make ends meet? How are we gonna afford this, Eddie? Ok, I was thinkin' of that.
You know what we gotta do, Joy-Joy? We gotta trim the fat just a little bit, Get rid of the superficial stuff.
Like what? Well, I'll tell you.
Like the beauty parlors, Yes, the manicures, the pedicures, The makeup.
But I will look hideous.
Well, honey, I won't be looking at you.
I'll be looking at hi-def television.
Why am I making all the sacrifices? Well, that's because you're the one without the job, honey, And to be honest, we gotta cut back On the food and the liquor a little bit.
I am already drinking generic vodka.
Look at this.
Babsolute.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
I'll make a sacrifice, too.
I'll give up something.
Yeah.
Well, better be something big.
Look, I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll just use one car.
But I am driving around, looking for work all day.
I need the car.
All right.
Exactly, so this is what you're gonna do.
In the morning, you'll drop me off at work.
Then you'll take the car.
You'll go looking for work.
Then you'll come back at the end of the day and pick me up from work, And then we come back here, and what do we do? We watch hi-def television.
It's crazy, but it could actually work.
I mean, think about it.
We could save on insurance and gas.
Right.
There you go.
So it's ok? I can keep the tv? Yeah, you can keep the tv, But the makeup stays.
All right, honey, but just bring it down a touch, you know.
What are you saying, I wear too much makeup? Honey, come on.
Let's be honest.
In the morning, your pillow looks like a crime scene.
I mean, there's stuff on that pillowcase That would make the cast of CSI go runnin' back to the van.
"What did you what did you do with the pillow, smother a clown?" Doug thinks we're all characters in a sitcom.
Doug, if this was a tv show, It would have been canceled a long time ago.
Scoff if you will, But how do you explain this? Not quaker oats.
"Uacker oats.
" Or whatties, cheerilos, babsolute vodka, Or chicken of the lake Tuna.
These are all brands that don't exist.
Will you relax? They are generic products.
We're trying to save money.
All right, honey.
Come on.
We gotta go.
I can't be late.
My purse.
Sweetie, will you run upstairs and grab my purse? It's the brown one.
Upstairs.
Yeah, that's rich.
Honey, look, if we run into traffic, We're not gonna make it.
I don't see it! It's right there on that little table At the top of the stairs! Hello, Jesus! It's Eddie, the jew.
It's not there! I'm ready to go now, lord.
I found it! Hold on.
See, Eddie? Just have a little patience.
I saw this on blossom.
You, I can hit.
Here you go.
Ally, the dark brown one.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Is this it? Look at that! It was sitting right there all along.
What a coincidence.
All right.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
This is gonna be fun.
Yeah.
I gave up on fun 20 years ago.
Bye, kids.
I'm not crazy, Ally.
I didn't say you were.
I tried to swear this morning, and I couldn't.
Come on, Doug! I'm serious, Ally.
Watch.
What the "bleep"? See? I just got bleeped.
And my mouth probably got pixilated, too.
You did not get bleeped, Doug.
I clearly heard you say, "bleep," And I wish that you wouldn't say it again.
It's inappropriate and should be replaced with something like "heck".
You're in on it.
I knew this was too good to be true.
A hot chick like you would never go for a guy like me in real life.
Doug! Don't Doug me, you you actress.
All right, all right.
That's it.
That's it.
- Just stop it.
- What? I'm not gonna let you ruin the clash.
It's sacrilegious.
I'm just singing, Eddie.
Honey, you're not just singing.
You're disturbing my routine.
What routine? Every morning, I get in the car, I put on a book, and I prepare for my day.
Well, you know what? You're not alone anymore, So you're just gonna have to learn to share this space right here.
Yeah, that's right, and that means I shouldn't have to listen to you sing.
You like it when I sing in the shower.
Better acoustics, and you're naked.
All right.
Fine, Eddie.
Let's just take it easy.
We only have one mile to go till we get to school.
Only one.
You're driving me crazy.
Squirrel! Then I almost got a job at a mortgage company, But right in the middle of my interview, They foreclosed on themselves.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, honey.
No, I'm sorry, babe.
I'm going on and on.
How was your day? Well, let's see.
The exchange student from Malawi Gorged himself, and then he threw up on my shoes.
Nobody bothered to tell him that we serve lunch every day.
Well, at least we come home to hi-def tv.
I know.
Isn't it great? Listen, I'm gonna make some popcorn, And then I'll meet you in there.
It's fantastic.
Stunning.
Look at that Ryan Seacrest.
He is beautiful.
He is a pretty, pretty man.
Golden Girls.
No.
That's Desperate Housewives in hi-def.
Hey, Joy! Hey, Eddie.
How was your day? It was nice.
Thanks for asking.
Did you forget anything? I don't think so.
I picked up the dry cleaning.
I shopped for dinner, Looked for work.
I picked up that solvent for your hairball in the shower.
No, I don't think so.
What about me, Joy? You forgot about me.
Oh, God, Eddie! I for I forgot to pick you up at school.
So, so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just I was watching the korean news, And I got distracted.
It's You don't even speak korean.
I know, but it's so beautiful in hi-def.
You know what it's like? It's like watching my manicurist put on a play right here.
How'd you get home, anyway? The school bus, the short one.
The kid sittin' next to me was lickin' the window.
Well, you're home now, babe.
That's all that counts, so you wanna watch the korean news with me? No, no, no, no.
See, we're not gonna watch it.
We're gonna watch the Phillies.
Here.
Well, not until I find out what the weather's like in Pyongyang.
Well, we're not gonna see the weather in Pyongyang, ok? We're gonna see the weather in Atlanta, Because that's where the Phillies are playing.
Give me the Watch it upstairs.
There's no hi-def tv upstairs.
I got here first.
That's because I have the unfortunate handicap Of having to work all day.
Give me the clicker, Joy.
No.
No.
Give me Come on! Give me.
Give me.
This Give me the clicker.
Give me the Clicker.
Clicker, clicker, Clicker, clicker.
Give me the I got the clicker! You wanna know something? You wanna know something? You're gonna regret this, because payback is coming, And payback, like someone I know, can be a bitch.
Giving me the silent treatment? Didn't even say thank you when I let you drive.
Really? You're not gonna say anything? I bet I can make you speak.
I will now sing the entire soundtrack of my youth.
Get out.
I'm Look at you.
Fantastic.
Korean news, me no likey.
Baseball.
Joy, are you home? I'm up here.
Wait a second, fellas.
Gotta go fake an apology.
What's this? Well, I found myself in an electronics store When you dumped me on the side of the road.
And they said if I bought a tv, That I could get a ride home in the delivery truck.
And so I did.
Ok, honey, listen to me.
I'm sorry I kicked you out of the car, But that doesn't mean you should be sending us Into bankruptcy to get even with me.
Oh, no, no, Eddie.
I bought this with my own money.
Oh, God! What did you do in the back of the truck? Eddie, no.
I got myself a job today.
I am going to be an administrator.
Hey, honey, good for you! That's great! So that means no more carpooling.
Oh, my gosh, how am I gonna keep up On my musical comedies, liza with a "j"? Oh, no, Eddie! We're still carpooling.
So your new job is close to the school.
Yeah.
It's actually in the school.
What In Honey, the school is my sanctuary.
I know.
That's exactly what principal Duffy said to me when she hired me.
And then we laughed and laughed.
Oh, and by the way, I'm gonna be editing your blog from now on, So I'm gonna require a little bit more effort on that.
What Hello? What are you doing, Doug? You know what I'm lookin' into, Ally? The abyss.
You wanna know what's really weird? The abyss is lookin' back into me.
Honey, you're lookin' into the backyard.
Now can we stop the nonsense, Get completely naked, and do it? You mean really do it, for real, like the legends say Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie did in don't look now? I have to phrase it that way because the censors Won't let me speculate on the air.
Yeah, Doug.
Really, really do it.
Action.
I never knew you had such a high capacity for cruelty.
I know.
Neither did I.
But there it is, just as plain As the nose on your big, giant head.
You really twisted me up good, Mr.
Stark.
Is there any way that I could get you to unhire my wife? Any way? Oh, well, yeah! No, I'm sure there is, but I don't think you wanna do it.
I mean, have you have you ever seen any of the Saw movies? What if I apologize for calling you dim bulb And for ruining your life? Oh, no, no! You are Dr.
Frankenstein, Mr.
Stark.
You have created a monster, And now you can't control it.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you my hi-def tv, Because if I have to work with my wife, I'll never enjoy anything again.
Good.
I'm so happy to hear that.
This is torture, Duffy.
Mr.
Stark, I think not.
I spent some time in a "mental health facility" In upper Michigan, and they considered A dip in the lake to be therapeutic, In January.
What? Yeah, they would just March us out there In our in our paper gowns and flipflops All numbed up on thorazine, And, we would just go for a swim.
Isn't that funny? A little.
I mean, the paper gowns are a nice It's not no, it's not funny.
It's the worst.
It's the worst.
No, it's not even close to the worst, ok? Don't even get me started on the electric shock treatments.
I have a prefrontal lobe That looks like a waffle iron.
Your wife stays.
How did they ever release you? Release, escape Either way, they'll never find me.
Have a nice day, Mr.
Stark.
What you're really saying to me is, "Joy, I'd really like to buy a hi-def television".
No, Joy, what I'm really saying is I bought a hi-def television.
Yeah, it's actually in the school.
What Sorry.
Honey, I'd explain it to you if I could remember the friggin' line.