'Til Death s04e10 Episode Script

The Not-So-Perfect Couple

'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Move, honey.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
- I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
- Okay, sure.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
That was yours, honey! How was that mine? Ok.
All right.
You know what? If I have to explain the game to you, maybe we shouldn't play together.
Good set.
It's ok.
You'll get us next time.
You guys wanna play another set? Or do you not have another 6 minutes? You beat us quickly.
That's fresh stuff.
Hey, seriously.
No, this is one of the toughest matches we've played in a long time.
- Really? - Yeah.
Although, we usually play my grandparents.
No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Not about the grandparents, but about you being tough.
Hey, here's an idea.
Why don't you guys play another one and we'll go replenish our electrolytes with a smoothie.
And by "smoothie," I mean "beer".
And by "beer", I mean "vodka".
What do you say, Eddie? You know what? I think I'm gonna call it a day.
You know, my whole left side is, like, burning.
- What? - Yeah.
It's just it's like, when I raise my arm above my elbow, it just just irr This area here.
Well, look, Simona, you're a doctor, there isn't anything on this side of my body I should be worried about, is there? Only heart, lungs, and kidney.
And on this one, a cute little tattoo of a bunny.
I was a wild man in college.
But seriously, how long have you had this? Oh, about 15 years, but I've only been afraid for 6 months.
Afraid? Babe, why didn't you tell me about this? Because saying it out loud makes it real.
Do you have a doctor? What do you mean? You know, someone you can call if something goes wrong.
Get a checkup every now and again.
That sounds kind of pricey.
Ed, you don't have a doctor? Stephen, come on, tough guys like us, we don't need doctors, right? Well, I'm married to a doctor, and I get checkups every night.
I bet you do! You're playing doctor with the doctor.
A little turn your head to the left and cough.
Actually, I'm a diabetic.
She keeps an eye on my blood sugar.
I'm sorry.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I'm the picture of health.
But seriously, I do get checkups.
I do.
Eddie, maybe you should have it looked at.
Honey, look, you know my schedule.
When do I have time to meet with a doctor? You're a teacher.
You're free every day from 2:30 to midnight.
You can come by my office anytime.
It's no big deal.
I'll squeeze you in.
All right, I'll do that, and then I'll return the favor.
Come by my office anytime, and I'll give you a pop quiz.
I'm a teacher.
Oh, that's funny! But seriously, do yourself a favor, get it checked out.
I mean, you're wheezing more than my 15-year-old pug.
Okay, so what should I do about my doctor's appointment with Simona tomorrow.
Should I just call and cancel, or just fake my own death? Eddie, your entire body is in pain all the time.
You don't exercise, you eat like crap.
Why would you cancel? I'm a man.
She's a woman.
We're gonna be alone.
I'm gonna be in a very revealing paper gown.
She's gonna see stuff.
What do you think she's gonna do, climb up on the table and start riding you? I've seen it in many adult films.
Those things are based on something.
You know what, as a woman, I am offended by your attitude about this.
She is a professional she's good at her job.
You're going.
But she's a friend.
What if my buddy lou told you to strip down and get on a On a cold, hard table? Lou? Lou sells car stereos.
I wouldn't feel great.
You could do a lot worse than Lou.
Yeah, I think I might have.
Come on, just honey, go see Simona, ok? It's gonna be totally weird.
She's gonna see me naked.
Then she's gonna see me again the next day.
I see you naked and see you the next day.
I bounce back.
That really is your blood pressure.
Oh, oh, F.
, I didn't overfill my urine sample.
A lot of that's just foam.
That head'll go down.
Doctor's going to be right with you, all right? Male nurse, female doctor.
It's like Star Trek in here.
Yeah, listen, for future reference, you could have left your underpants on.
Hey, Eddie! Hey! So, how should we play it? Should we act like we don't know each other and shake hands, or do the polite kiss on the kiss? Let's go with the very professional doctor-patient fist bump.
Hey, I like that.
That says "I know my doctor socially, yet I won't feel awkward when I see her later.
" Just so you know, anything that happens in here is between you and me.
And my 927 myspace friends.
Let's start with some Let's start with some family history.
Ok, well, my grandmother was a dancer.
And my grandfather, on his deathbed, actually told my dad that he wasn't his real father.
Uh, I was actually talking about your family's medical history.
Heart disease, stroke.
You know, let's just cut right to it and check all the boxes.
We're a mess.
All right.
Do you smoke? No, I do not.
But I do eat a skosh of fried food.
What do you mean by "skosh"? Well, when I'm ordering fast food, I lie, and I tell them that I'm buying it for my firehouse.
You know, it's ok to do that, as long as you don't do it too often.
It's all right to treat yourself.
You work hard.
Well, you know, you're right.
I do work hard, actually.
And thanks for not yelling at me.
Why would I yell at you? Well, because Joy yells at me and says that I'm stupid for eating fried food.
Well, it's not about being stupid.
The body craves fatty foods.
It's built into our genes.
I told her that, and she threw a phone at me.
Take a deep breath.
I'm going to throw something a little different at you.
Do you eat a lot of fish? Uh, you know, I really don't.
Well, one time I accidentally swallowed a starfish at the beach one summer, but Well, to be honest, I took a bite of it.
I thought it was a cookie.
You Eddie, you've got to take care of yourself, because a lot of people love you, and we want you to be around.
Well, thanks, Simona.
Now, I'm just gonna listen to your heart.
I think you already have.
What is that God-awful smell? That is the smell of hope and lightly-battered cod.
You're eating fish? Well, Simona says that fish is the anytime snack.
And Simona also says that I have to start eating healthier.
Wow, I've been tell you that for the last 20 years.
Have you? Anyway, I'm really happy I went to see her.
So that worked out? She was able to resist all that in a paper robe? It was fantastic.
I'm going to go get another checkup and see her again.
I'm just glad to see you're embracing a healthier diet.
You know what, Simona doesn't call it a diet.
She calls it a "live-it".
Simona also gave me the copy of Men's Health Magazine from the waiting room.
And guess who is on the fast track to rock-hard abs? Let me guess.
You are? Did 4 sit-ups today.
In a row? But you know what Simona said to me? She said that if you don't feel the burn, you're not doing it right.
I'm feeling the burn.
Go ahead, touch it.
Go! Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good.
What did she say about the pain in your side? Well, Simona thinks that that could possibly be gas.
And then she also said it could be some tension I'm feeling at home maybe.
What, is she suggesting that I'm the problem? No, Simona didn't specifically mention you, but when I brought up your name, She got a little quiet.
Anyway, I'm gonna hit the hay.
It's 4:00, Eddie.
Yeah, I know, but Simona says that if you nap just 20 minutes a day, you'll sleep better at night.
Oh, gonna grab a banana and level out my potassium.
Forgot to say "Simona says".
Ha ha ha, good one! But she did say it, though.
You guys ready to order? Actually, we're in a hurry.
Could we just have our check? Kidding.
Why don't you order for me? Yeah, you know, order for me, too.
Okay, I will have the scallop salad with the dressing on the side, and no tortilla chips for me.
Nix-say on the chip-say.
And he will have the stuffed sole and spinach.
I'm a soul man.
And let's ee.
Healthy over here will have the vegetable fajitas with whole wheat tortillas.
Whole wheat.
Keep the trains moving.
And for you, ma'am? Guess I'm just the fat ass who wants a burrito.
Chicken or steak? Yes.
Oh, and another one of these.
Eddie, I got to tell you, I am really impressed with that you're doing here.
Good for you.
Good for you.
Pretty soon you're going to be in as good of shape as I am.
You'll never look as good as me.
But you'll get close.
You will get close.
Yes, Simona's working her magic on the two of you guys, huh? Well, I have to say, at first I was a little reluctant about having Simona as my physician because, you know, we're all friends, but, thank goodness my beautiful wife Joy, if she hadn't nagged me all night, I never would have gone.
Thanks, Eddie.
I appreciate it.
To Simona! To Simona! That's nice.
Oh, 3 waters with lemon.
Tonight's going to get crazy.
So, Joy, how's the travel agency? I remember you said you were working on some big project.
Oh, thanks for asking, Simona.
Yeah, I just Well, I brought in this pretty big corporate client.
Oh, my God, he's choking.
Is there a doctor in here? Yes, there sure is.
My doctor.
Go get 'em, champ.
Scoot over, Joy.
Let her get by.
Your wife is incredible.
I mean.
That's nothing.
Last week she reattached A child's pinky at Flannagan's.
She's good.
What's up, Joy? Hey.
What are you doing with my snacks? Eddie told me to come by and take away all your junk food.
Get your hands off my food! You know what, he told me you'd say that.
He told me to ignore you.
Hey, my candy cakes.
What is the nutritional value of candy cakes? You know what, I don't even care.
I'm just gonna take them anyway.
Fine, I don't care either.
You ok? Come on, what's wrong? Talk to Kenny.
I don't want to talk about it.
No talky, no cakey.
We have this friend, Simona.
She's a doctor, And I've been bugging Eddie to go see her for a checkup.
And? All of the sudden, Eddie's all gaga over her.
That's crazy.
I mean, what does this woman have that you don't have? Well, like I said, she's a doctor, and I'm a travel agent.
You're a travel agent? Yeah.
They still have those? Yes, Kenny, they still have those.
Really? I'd just think people just get on the computer Okay, it's not a great job.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
What else she got? Well, she's blonde.
She's got this cute little southern accent.
Oh, I like that! What, the blonde or the accent? Both.
If I had to rank them, though, I'd probably go with I do not care.
Sorry, sorry.
Ok, ok, ok.
The accent, though.
She's sweet, and she's compassionate.
And from what I can tell, it's not an act.
She kind of annoyingly means it.
How's the face? Tell me about the face.
I don't know.
She's adorable.
I'm gonna take myself in and get me a checkup.
Why, what's wrong with you? I'm coming down with a bad case of "this chick sounds hot".
Sorry I'm late.
I just had to stop by the hospital.
Oh, is everything ok? There was some accident and they were short staffed in the E.
, so they called me in.
I'm a little light-headed 'cause I gave some of my own blood.
Thank God I'm a universal donor.
That's great.
Son of a bitch.
Even her blood is perfect.
I'll just be a minute.
I'm gonna change into my outfit.
She cannot be this perfect.
There's got to be a flaw under there somewhere.
Whoa, milky white skin.
Perfect breasts.
Round, high buttock.
Dammit, Joy, snap out of it.
What, you're falling for her, too? Joy, are you okay? Is there something wrong? No, everything's perfect.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
Right there.
Make it burn.
You like that? That right there, huh? I do.
- Yeah, make you happy? - I do.
Oh, yeah! You guys need to stretch? Actually, I stretched in the car.
Yeah, and I'm on some pretty serious muscle relaxers, so I'm good to go.
I'm telling you, Eddie.
This little lady's got magic hands.
Do yourself a favor, get under her.
You want me to help? Absolutely.
Ah, he's good! We can just play.
Hey, Eddie, you want to mix it up? Switch partners? Yes, please.
I mean, if you want to.
I think it's a great idea.
Come on, honey, a little hustle.
We're playing.
Ok, I'm going.
Hey, Stephen! - Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.
I know that, Simona is like this perfect doctor and everything, but at home, she's She's a normal wife, right? What do you mean? You know, she nags you a lot, blames you for her failures, with hold sex.
Well, actually, no.
She's very supportive emotionally and attentive physically.
But everything's not perfect, right? No.
I mean, sometimes I miss her when she goes and does doctors without borders, but, you know, she always comes back a better lady for it.
So, nothing? No flaws at all? Well, I guess sometimes I feel she has too many orgasms.
Hey! Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
No, no, that was not your fault, Simona.
She just stopped playing.
Boy, that Simona is some player, huh? It's amazing how much strength that tiny body can generate.
We love the tiny body.
Do you know that she got a swimming scholarship to Stanford? Where did you go again? Delaware water gap community college.
Right, right, right.
I should have remembered that Because our exterminator went there.
You know, Simona has a great way to get rid of an ant problem.
Ok, enough about Simona! Okay, we get it.
She's a brilliant, benevolent, multi-orgasmic wonder woman.
Honey, where is this coming from? Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound? "Simona says this, Simona says that.
Simona poops gold out of her super tight butt.
" I don't think she does.
Listen, honey, you know I'm not attracted to her.
You're not? I am.
I mean, you're just annoying.
I've been telling you for like 15 years to take better care of yourself, and it's called nagging.
Simona says it one time, and you become like Bruce Jenner.
Real current reference.
Well done.
Who's the new guy? Matthew Phelps.
Matthew Phelps, whatever.
It's just that why don't you listen to me when I say it? Why can't I be your hero? Well, maybe Simona has a better bedside manner.
You know, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.
You are 6'8" of stupid.
And sometimes what you say.
Simona told me I should take better care of myself Because there are people that love me and want me around.
I mean, when did you say something like that to me? Oh, give me a break! We've been married a long freakin' time.
I'm just saying it's sometimes nice to hear that out loud.
Michael Phelps! That was it.
It was bothering me.
Michael Phelps.
I say nice things to you.
Simona told you to eat less fried food, and then she probably said exactly the same thing to the next winded slob who walked through the door.
How dare you! You think that she cares about you? It this do you know what this is? This is just like the time that you got an autograph from raquel welch at that bookstore, and you thought she winked at you.
She was winking at me.
Her false eyelash fell off.
That's how hard she was winking.
I've got news for you, Eddie.
Your doctor is paid a lot of money to care about you.
And at the end of her work day, she stops caring.
And she drives home in a car that costs more than this house.
Well, I could tell you that there is a woman out there who knows me inside and out.
And she is concerned about my well-being.
And that woman's name is Dr.
Simona Bradford.
Bed Bedford.
Red Redford.
It's Thompson.
I knew that.
It's Redford.
Well, I knew it wasn't Thompson.
So you've got to cut down on those sweets.
You've got to take care of yourself, Because a lot of people love you, And we want you around.
Son of a bitch! I thought she just wanted me around.
Well, turns out you were right.
Simona wants everyone to be alive, not just me.
Sorry I got so crazy.
No, it was my fault, too.
I just Got all insecure.
No, no! I should appreciate you looking out for me.
It's just your voice gets sometimes grating.
Oh, I shouldn't have said grating right there.
But my point is, I'm sorry.
No, babe, you were right.
I guess I could say things a little nicer sometimes.
Anyway, the point is, I cancelled my appointment for tomorrow.
I know.
Simona called.
She called? What did she say? I think she said No, no, no, don't "think", honey.
She called.
What did she say exactly? You said "hello", and she said? She's charging you for the no-show.
All right.
She's only charging me 'cause she cares.
She's got it bad.
Joy, Joy, Joy.
I have your blood work here, and You're pregnant.
No, I'm kidding! I thought we could do that because we're friends.
You got me there.
Thought I was going to have to stop drinking for 9 months.
Simona, I don't need to be stroked like Eddie does.
You can give it to me straight.
All right, well, here it is.
You're in perfect health.
What's your secret? My secret? Yeah, we're like the same age.
Tell me how I can look so vital and young.
Oh, well, I credit lack of exercise, no sun screen, and a minimum of 40 hours of television a week.
Well, it works.
Don't change a thing.
Ah, Simona, you are good.
But any doctor can give compliments.
Here's the true test.
What are the chances of me hitting you up for some sleeping pills? Are you having trouble sleeping? Yes.
Do you want the time release Or the big whammy right out of the box? Oh, I love you like oxygen.
"I am not a drug dealer.
" I get that.

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