'Til Death s04e13 Episode Script

The Check-Up

And she has never given an interview.
It sounds like an episode of "CSI could care less".
If I could get Helga to talk to me, I will have an eyewitness account for my book.
Well, that's important, Since there's no footage of the "hindenburg" going down.
Thanks for the support.
You're welcome.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of an article about a honey colonic.
Honey colonic That's the worst name for a stripper I ever heard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is about getting healthy.
Which reminds me, when was the last time you went to see the doctor? When I went to see Simona.
Babe, that's like a year ago.
Look, you don't go to the doctor if you're not sick.
It's like going to the whorehouse when you're not horny I think.
Come on, Eddie.
We have a partnership here.
I take care of myself for you.
Therefore, you are obligated to take care of yourself for me.
I don't wanna go to the doctor, honey.
Come on.
You take your car in for a checkup, don't you? Yeah, every 15,000 miles.
Yeah? How many miles you t on you, Eddie? And they're hard miles, Joy.
They're off-road.
Are you gonna force me to nag you into this? Honey, after all this time, I am immune to your nagging.
Not this new strain I've got.
It goes like this Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a check Up, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.
All right.
For God's sakes, I'll get a checkup.
And we have a winner.
I already made you an appointment with Simona.
Hey, listen.
Don't forget we're having dinner with them tonight.
Hey, is there anything in my life that you haven't planned? Uh, as a matter of fact, I haven't quite settled On the date or cause of your death, But I've got some really fun ideas.
Well, hopefully it'll happen before the end of this conversation.
You know what? It could.
What do you want for breakfast? A big bowl of shut-up.
Come on, Eddie! You gotta eat something.
Honey, I have a cholesterol test I-in 2 days, And the only thing that I like to eat Is fried fat, so I'm going on a fast So I'll have a clean bill of health to nail to your forehead.
Eddie, you've gotta eat something.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Yeah, if it's so damn important, Then why do people eat it in their underpants? You've gotta eat, Eddie.
You've gotta eat, Eddie.
You've gotta eat, Eddie.
You've gotta eat, Eddie.
And that's why I chopped her up and ate her, your honor.
Nah, they'd never convict me.
I heard, uh, Simona's bringing you in Tomorrow for a little up-yours.
Oh, by the way, thank you for squeezing Eddie in.
Actually, I'll be squeezing in Eddie.
Honk honk.
Prostate humor.
Hopefully we can skip that part of the exam.
I love going to the doctor.
I even get my hair blown out Before I go to the gynecologist.
Me, too.
Plus I get a pedicure, And I clear the landing strip.
She sure does.
Ah, I think we all mow the lawn Before the company comes over, huh? Joy, what are you having? Ah, I think I'm gonna stick to the salads.
I've worked too hard to lose these 6 pounds.
I'm gonna have the ravioli.
You look good, too, Simona.
Have you lost a little bit of weight? You look so cute.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, and, Joy Yeah? Would you pass the bread, hon? Thanks.
Hey, you guys wanna come over Tomorrow night for a little poker? Yeah, sure.
Ooh, that sounds like fun.
Who are those people over there? They look familiar.
Oh, that's our neighbors, the haynies.
I didn't recognize them with their clothes on.
Are they nudists? No.
God! They They had a gas leak when they were doin' it, And they ran out into the yard.
Got their video on my phone if you wanna Oh, you know, we should go say hello to them.
This is gonna be really quick.
She hates me, but not as much as I hate her.
Hey, betty haynie.
How could you invite them over after what she just did? What did she just do? Ok, I gave Simona a compliment, And all she said was, "Thank you.
" Right.
Yeah, nothing else.
Not, "so do you.
" nothing.
Just "thank you.
" Well, what is she supposed to say? Well, when someone gives you a compliment, When someone says that you look cute, You're at least obligated to say, "so do you.
" Even if it's a lie? Especially if it's a lie.
Yes, and it usually is.
I mean, she didn't look that cute.
I just thought that I looked cute, And I wanted to hear her say it.
Oh, that's silly.
No, it is not silly.
Eddie, do you think I lost 6 pounds for you? No, women lose weight to impress other women.
Well, you know what? I'm not gonna play Your little girlie drama here.
I think you're exaggerating.
I am not exaggerating, And I will prove it to you, Because when she comes back over here, I am gonna compliment her on her ugly shoes, And she probably won't even compliment my ugly shoes in return.
Those people look a lot better with their clothes on.
Well, most people do.
That's why we pay the pretty ones to take 'em off, huh? Simona, I was just noticing your shoes.
They are fantastic.
Thank you.
A giant! He's going to kill us! What's with all the kids? We share an office with a pediatrician.
Well, why aren't they in school? They're sick.
This is not my fault.
I blame the poor diets of the overfed american children And the poor craftsmanship Of the underfed chinese children.
Wanna hear a secret? Didn't your mother tell you Not to talk to strangers? He's just my stepson.
Go ahead.
Ok, what is it? Come here.
I have a cold.
So when did you start sharing your office with a pediatrician? Oh, about 6 months ago.
Eddie, my business has tripled.
Children are like little germ factories.
You know what I say to Stephen when I get home? I say, "what recession?" Ok, good for you.
Time to update your chart.
We'll start with a little q-and-a.
How much do you drink, Eddie? Well, usually whatever's left after Joy passes out, so Nothing.
Ok, what about drugs? Are you takin' any? You gettin' high? You turnin' on? You tweakin'? What kind of what kind of clientele do you get here? Oh, soccer moms and members of the clergy.
No, Simona.
No drugs.
So, Eddie, how's your sex life? Are you still ridin' the bull, or you down to clown duty? How many times are you doing it annually? Aw, we don't even use the back door to the house.
No, I said, "annually.
" Is this relevant, or do you and Stephen have a bet going? Heh heh.
You know me too well.
You do.
All right, we're gonna do an ekg, A stress test, and a full blood panel.
Sounds expensive.
Ah, Eddie, you cannot put a price on a beach house.
I mean your health.
What?! This is kind of exciting.
I feel like we're invited to play with the big kids I know.
It's kind of cool, isn't it? Yeah, and kind of scary.
You'll be fine.
Let's go over the rules again.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Number one Don't provoke my father.
See, I think he's really startin' to like me.
Remember that documentary about the About the grizzly bear, Doug? The guy thought that the bear liked him, too, And then the bear ate him and pooped him out all over the alaskan peninsula.
You're right.
Number 2, none of the business About saying you're living in a sitcom.
No, no, no, no.
Of course not.
We're not gonna treat Stephen and Simona Like they're just the funny neighbors.
Besides, they're too perfect.
In a sitcom, the neighbors are never smarter And better-looking than the leads.
And finally, most importantly Compliment my mother.
If it looks like she's getting upset, Ask her to sing.
Got it.
You'll do fine.
Here it is.
Eddie stark's World-famous store-bought guacamole.
No, thanks, daddy.
I'm gonna wait for dinner.
This is dinner.
And it looks good.
It's delicious.
I didn't I didn't double dip.
I see what you scratch.
I'll get it! Wow.
You look fabulous.
Why, thank you, Douglas.
So do you.
Why, hello.
Joy, look at you.
You look fantastic.
Aw, Stephen.
So do you.
And, Simona, as always, you look adorable.
Do you really think so? Really do.
Oh, thank you.
And, Joy, I have something to tell you.
Yes? I am so looking forward to Eddie's guacamole dip.
It is so wonderful.
Is he in the kitchen? Yeah.
Come on, Stephen.
Let's go get some before it turns brown.
Good life advice in general.
Hey, ally.
Nice costume, Doug.
Where's your burro? Do you believe this woman? I mean, is it me? Am I not as attractive as store-bought guacamole? No.
It's completely, totally bizarre behavior.
Right? Yeah.
I have on My eye color has changed.
Is there anything I can do? Yeah.
Help mommy walk across the room.
Here's Here's an idea.
Mm-hmm? What is that, Doug? Why don't you sing? I win again.
It has to be the power of the mind, Because I just pictured myself winning, And then I won.
You ever picture yourself employed? I don't need to be employed.
I just won 40 dollars.
Well, we ought to hit it.
All right.
Despite the fact that we all lost, I had such a great time.
Eddie, your guacamole dip was wonderful, as usual.
Thank you.
And sweet ally, it's so good To see you and Doug again.
Oh, and, Joy Yes? Where'd you put my coat, hon? It's right there.
Oh, great.
Well, we have to do this again soon, ok? Yeah, real soon.
Night, all.
And remember, If I fall on your property, I can sue.
Just kidding.
But I can.
All right, Doug, Poker rules The winner does the dishes.
You got it.
All right.
Honey, come here.
You just give me the word, And when his hands are in the dishwater, I'll throw the toaster right in the sink.
Hmm? You're a sore loser.
I'm going to help him.
So you still think this is silly? Uh, you still think I'm the crazy one? Oh, not just crazy, Drugs-won't-help-you crazy.
Come on.
Didn't you learn anything From observing the interaction between Simona and me tonight? Yes, honey.
I learned a big lesson.
I finally understand why men marry men.
All right, melt all you want.
That is the last gin and tonic you are ruining for me.
You know, gin doesn't freeze.
Well, then I just made 14 perfectly chilled shots for lunch.
By the way, I think I'm comin' down with something, And I'm holding you responsible.
What? What did I do? I just told you to go get a checkup.
You told mee to get a checkup Because you didn't want me to get sick.
Well, I got sick getting the checkup.
All right.
So if you got sick, go back to the doctor.
That's where I got sick in the first place.
You know, congratulations, Joy.
You got a worse health plan than the government.
Well, don't blame me if something falls off.
You gonna cancel the interview with helga klum? Cancel? You kidding? I can't.
I gotta get that interview.
And by the way, the woman is 97 years old, So here.
Let me put it in terms that you'll understand.
Uh, for helga, it's last call.
She keeps sunglasses on her nightstand In case she walks into the light.
I gotta do it.
All right.
So go do the interview, And then come home and rest, and mama'll make you some chicken soup.
You're the best, Joy-Joy! Hey, Eddie, on the way home, pick up chicken soup.
Oh, and vodka.
Vodka doesn't freeze either.
Damn it.
Slap it, and slap it down.
Mommy says I can slap it down.
Oh, slap it And round the clock, I'm makin' cheese.
I'm makin' cheese, who's makin' cheese? I's makin' cheese.
Who? I's is, who? Oh! Oh, hi.
Oh, Joy! I was just listening to a medical lecture.
Come on in.
I didn't know you had an appointment.
I You know, I don't.
Simona, the reason that I'm here Is, well, I I have on fantastic shoes, And I've lost 6 pounds, And my ass looks great in these jeans.
And you look terrific.
Thank you.
Ok, you know what? That is it.
That is the reason that I am here, ok? Simona, what the hell is wrong with you? I pay you a compliment, And then I set you up perfectly to pay me a compliment, And you don't do it.
We are women, Simona.
We are supposed to pretend that we like each other.
What is wrong? I used to be incredibly fat.
I'm sorry, but what does that have to do with anything? My whole life, girls never complimented me, And as a defense mechanism, I never complimented them.
I've been working on it in therapy, But I still see myself as a fatty fatso, Just fat fat, the water rat.
I just can't do it.
No, no, honey.
Simona, listen.
You're not fat at all.
You're just you're the opposite.
You look terrific.
Thank you.
You know what? That is it, ok? I am done.
And you might wanna see someone else about this problem, Because whatever you're doing right now is not working.
- Hey, Joy! - What? You might wanna ask yourself a few questions, Like why you're so needy.
I beg your pardon.
And while we're soul-searching here, What's up with this tremendous need of yours To go around fishing for compliments? Ha.
I do not fish for compliments.
Oh, I beg to differ.
It's like you live on a tuna boat.
It's like you're riding into rat city wearing cheese pants.
What's up with that? I was incredibly flat until I was 14 years old.
I was the original flat stanley.
I mean, I was flatter than day-old beer.
There were doing "pirates of penzance" at school, and they walked me.
And then one night, the chalupa fairy came, And my whole wld changed.
But deep down in your mind, You still see yourself as flat flat The water rat.
Oh, Joy, give me a hug! We're just 2 wounded souls, aren't we? We are.
Come here.
Oh, good heavens.
You're like hugging 2 bags of christmas puddin'.
Wait a second.
Did you did you hear that? What you just paid me a compliment.
Oh, my God! I did it.
You did.
I just gave another woman a compliment.
This is a huge breakthrough for me.
Joy, you are beautiful.
Okay, tell me more.
You have periwinkle blue eyes Your shoes are fabulous.
Your ass is like an apple.
I just wanna take a bite out of it.
I do.
I do.
That's a little weird.
You look great in those jeans, and You look fantastic, Joy.
Thank you.
By the way, I was lying.
I've had a "d" cup since I was 11.
Hey, what are you up to, slim? Oh, transcribing this amazing interview.
This woman is an incredible survivor.
Not only did she survive the "hindenburg," But she was on the "titanic," and she survived katrina.
She caught a wave and rode it all the way into the superdome.
So'd you get everything you needed for the book? Uh, right up to the moment she stepped onto the "hindenburg," And then ironically, she crashed.
Fell auleep right into her soup.
I love this broad.
It's funny.
She has this giant nurse.
Her name is lawanda, very protective over her.
The minute helga nodded off, lawanda threw me out, And I don't mean she asked me to leave.
I mean she picked me up and threw me out.
Now I gotta go back tomorrow, finish the interview.
This is amazing, Eddie.
This is what is gonna set your "hindenburg" book Apart from all the other "hindenburg" book.
I'm tellin' you, Joy-Joy, I am psyched.
This interview is the culmination of 72 years of history, And I, Eddie stark, have the story.
Heh heh.
Eddie stark! How dare you show your face around here? Lawanda, what happened? Your nasty little cold killed ms.
She was the only white lady ever looked me in the eye.
I oughta kick your ass! Put that in your book! Now get on out of here! My interview.
When was the last time you read a book That didn't have a beach chair Or a bisected colon on the cover? Well, I've got are we skipping that? We're skipping that.
Hey, who are those people over there? They look familiar.
That's our neighbors, the heinies.
You did it.
What is going on? We have pigeons.
Now they're mating.
Pigeons are Oh, they're mating? They're mating.
All right.
Are they upstairs, or are they in here? Right there.
Oh, they're right there.
Right here over my head somewhere.
I know.
Are they really mating, 'cause I'd like to take a 5 if they are.

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