'Til Death s04e15 Episode Script

Check Mate

So how is going with school, Joy? You still having fun working with Eddie? I sure am.
Eddie.
She sure is.
Come on.
Well, no.
It's just honey, I don't think That a husband and wife should work together.
I'm not even sure they should live together.
Eddie, how do you explain the fact that Married men live longer than single men? That's not true.
It just feels that way.
Well, you know what they say, What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.
Really? I didn't know I had a choice.
You don't.
Well, you know what? I think you guys are going to have A great time working together.
Speaking of which, we got to hit the road Because school starts early.
Oh, you guys didn't want to stay for dessert? Oh, we'd love to, but we've got to get going.
This has been great, though.
Let's do it again.
Good to see you.
All right.
Ok, buddy.
Ok.
Call me.
Good to see you.
Bye.
Oh, great.
They stuck us with the check again.
Damn.
No courtesy "I go to go to the bathroom" or "I left my wallet at home.
" Zip, zilch, nada.
The old dine and dash.
Oh, they are good, too.
Why do you say that? They got a cheesecake to go.
Delicious.
It's better than fat-free.
It's just plain free.
My favorite flavor.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, you know that whole thing about you being upset About me working with you That was a diversionary tactic, right? Honey, it's exactly the way I feel.
You realize that's insulting, don't you? I'm sorry about that, but don't you understand That you being hired by principal dimbulb was Just a ploy for her to ruin my life? Ok.
We all know that she's crazy.
But we can't afford for me to quit, Because there are no jobs out there.
I hear you.
So just try to stay positive, And we'll make the best of it.
Hey, you know, I just found some meatball in my bridge work.
It's like dinner and dessert all in one bite.
Do you think we're pushing this Sticking them with the check game a little too far? No, I don't, and I'll tell you why.
They should be picking up more checks.
She's a doctor.
He's a college dean.
I'm a high school teacher, And you're a hairnet away from being a cafeteria lady.
You know, maybe we should each take them to lunch.
Hey, I like that.
Do something, but make it the least you can do.
Like sex.
Exactly.
And then, we can each steer them Towards the cheap side of the menu.
Right.
Right.
I'll point him toward the burgers, And you nudge her toward the salads.
Deal.
Mm.
Great.
You know, honey, you're starting to look a little hippy.
Mmm, nice try, But I hate myself for totally different reasons.
sony pictures television Excuse me, sir.
Are you going to clean up after your dog? Because I'd rather you didn't.
I'm setting a trap for the guy that steals my newspaper.
Thank you.
Boy, I want to stick it to Joy.
What? I mean, and Eddie.
I want to stick it to both of them.
Oh, you're talking about the check thing, right? Yeah.
I mean, what else would I be talking about? Well, if you meant sticking both of them with the check, Then why'd you start by saying you wanted to stick it to Joy? Well, I'm investigating possibilities While maintaining a defensible position.
For the amount of money I spent tonight, One of them ought to put out.
Oh.
I hear you.
I mean, they really crossed the line With the cheesecake thing.
I want revenge.
We need to outthink them.
Hey, honey.
It's Eddie and Joy.
Whoo, how hard can that be? True, true.
You're a doctor, I'm a college dean.
He's a high school teacher, She's a patio chair away from being a crossing guard.
I mean, we got to come up with something.
Well, do you have a plan? I do.
I do.
Come here.
Get your tongue out of my ear.
Brubeck Dana.
Here.
Dagahishi Va Vash Vashook Is the kid who smells like curry here? All right All right.
This next This next one's going to be hard to pronounce.
It looks like a bird in a circle.
Wong.
Ok.
That's probably the kid you want to cheat off of.
All right.
Open up your books to page 78.
We're going to learn a little about cuba today, Or as my mom in Miami calls it The island where all the maids come from.
If you spoke english, you'd be laughing.
I'm actually from Cuba.
Well, that must be your raft in the bike rack.
Come on! Ms.
Duffy, you You tucked your skirt into your panty hose.
Is that a tramp stamp? Whore.
How do you how do you turn this thing on? Oh, it is on.
Hi! Good morning, everyone.
This is Joy Stark, the new assistant administrator.
And also something that you might not know, I am also the wife of history teacher extraordinaire Eddie Stark.
Hey, babe, it's me on the speaker.
And back to business.
Before we do our pledge of allegiance, I thought that I might lead you in a little patriotic song.
Please stand for the national anthem.
oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming you're a grand old flag you're a high-flying flag and forever in peace may you wave you're the emblem of the land I love from the halls of montezuma to the shores of tripoli we will fight our country's battles in the air, on land, and sea I got to tell you, I just love being back at the school.
And you're sleeping with one of the teachers.
But this one won't get fired.
Listen, lunch is on me Because you guys paid the last 2 times.
Uh, 3.
Whatever.
Order whatever you want.
Oh! Well, in that case, Let's be decadent and have the steaks, huh? Steaks? You know what else is great here? The salads.
They have a lettuce that comes all the way from romaine.
Oh, and one that comes from arugula.
You're right.
You're right.
Steak is probably too heavy.
So instead, I'll just have a big bowl of caviar.
Ok.
What are we going to have? Well, order whatever you want, But this place is us for their burgers.
And don't worry about it.
It's on me.
Oh, no, no.
We said we were going to split the check.
No, no.
You got the last 2 dinners.
Oh, who's counting? I am.
3.
Good day, m'lords.
I am your serving wench tiffany.
Let me tell you about today's specials.
Well, milady, that won't be necessary Because we're just going to go with 2 burgers, ok? Eddie, let the woman do her job.
What are your specials? Hear ye, hear ye.
Today we have a 44-ounce porterhouse That's been done on the grillotine.
It costs $49.
$49? What, do you get a leather jacket with that? I'll have that.
Medium rare.
46 long.
You said order anything, right? No.
Yeah.
But it's going to take, Like, an hour to eat that thing.
That's all right.
I'm in no rush.
All I have to do is hire an assistant today.
That's it.
What happened to your other assistant? You ever see that movie Where the couple goes snorkeling out in australia, And the boat leaves, And they get attacked by the sharks? Yeah? That was a great movie.
My assistant had to go to arizona to take care of her mother.
I grew up with 2 moms.
what my dad did.
You guys need more time? Well, we certainly don't need more information.
We'll go with one burger and the porterhouse.
Whoa, whoa.
What's with all the turf? Get some surf in there.
You got lobster, right? Yeah.
We got the one pound, and 7 pound lobsters.
Yeah? What do you have in ounces? I'll take the 7 pounder, Ye grande crustacean.
Just out of curiosity, what does that run? Nobody's ever ordered Bobby before.
He's become kind of a mascot around here.
Well, that's his picture on the menu.
Must have been hell getting him into that bib and beret, huh? Nah.
He loved it.
For a lobster, he's kind of a ham.
Looks like he's smiling.
Oh, he smiles all the time.
That's what he's famous for.
We even taught him how to wave.
It took years, but the kids love it.
That's a great story.
Hey, bring me some extra butter, too, will you? Are you sure you want to eat Bobby? Yeah.
Why not? I mean, he's on the menu, right? And you're buying.
I'm starving.
Why not? You didn't even touch Bobby.
Once the cow was in the barn, There was no room for lobster, my friend.
Would you like to take Bobby home with you? Nah.
Seafood doesn't keep.
You toss him.
No, no.
Wait a minute.
Wrap him up.
I'll take him.
Wave good-bye, Bobby.
If I spend this much, I should at least get a rash.
I know the feeling.
And you know what? Sometimes, there's even a hidden cheesecake charge.
Ah, ok.
Is that what this was all about? We knew what you guys were up to The second you invited us to lunch instead of dinner.
At this very moment, my wife, Who's allergic to seafood, Is choking down a bowl of very expensive caviar.
Ok.
Well played, my friend.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you for lunch.
Yeah.
I appreciate it.
Here you go.
Isn't it a little odd to put a lobster in a swan? Oh, we tried to put them in lobsters, But it just felt weird.
We do the opposite when people don't finish their swan.
You have swan? Oh, please don't order daphne.
"institute for the blind sees cutbacks.
" Oh, hello, Mr.
Stark.
I just wanted to introduce Mrs.
Stark to the teachers' lounge.
Jo go ahead and make yourself comfortable.
It wasn't my idea.
Well, excuse me, But isn't the teachers' loge exclusively for teachers? That's what I told her, Eddie.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I would love to have Joy here.
It's just, you know, rules are rules.
Oh, that's right it's too bad.
You know what would work, though? If I made Joy a teacher's assistant, She would have full access to the teachers' lounge.
Don't do it.
Oh, I'm doing it.
You know what? Joy, You are now a teacher's assistant.
I don't know.
Excuse me, but exactly which teacher Would she be aiding? You You, of course, you big silly.
Oh, I really enjoy having the 2 of you here.
Salt, meet wound.
Honey, you know what she's doing Putting me in your classroom.
She's using me to annoy you.
Well, it's working.
You know what? It is not going to work anymore.
From now on, you are not even going to know I'm around.
And that is the entire transcript From the joint chiefs of aff emergency session Regarding the bay of pigs invasion And the subsequent political Ahem.
Sorry.
The pencils were dull.
Like the history of Cuba.
Years after the bay of pigs invasion, what happened was The mariel boatlift Which led directly to "scarface.
" "Say hello to my little friend!" I think you're all familiar with the comic stylings Of my new assistant and future ex-wife Joy Stark.
Thank you.
Why, thank you.
Go on! You're a beautiful crowd, really.
Sit down.
In summation, The rise of fidel castro created The only communist nation Within 90 miles of american soil.
If you want to What are you doing? Feng shui.
Go feng shui yourself.
Better yet, Clean the board.
Oh, yes, sir, Mr.
Stark.
One of the most famous incidents in the early 1960s was The cuban missile crisis Which, as we know, created a very tense confrontation Between our own president john kennedy And Russian premier Nikita Khrushchev.
Ok, eyes up here, guys.
Fellas.
Pam.
She missed a spot.
Look, I know we said we'd split it tonight, But we're picking up dinner.
To make up for our little lunch joke.
Well, thank you.
You know, I think it's time we stopped that stupid game, anyway.
I mean, it's already resulted in the death Of a beloved smiling shellfish.
Who was delicious, by the way.
Yes, he was.
Agreed.
Right, honey? What's wrong? I'm just All this talk of Bobby dying Makes me think about Jerry chicken.
Jerry chicken? Yeah.
Yeah.
That was our dog's name.
He loved chicken, so we called him Jerry chicken.
He was a little teacup poodle.
Slept in an envelope.
He was 15 years old.
At least you had him for a long time.
No.
We got him when he was 14.
She's an optimist.
It's tough to lose a pet, really.
How did Jerry chicken die? Oh, just doing what he loved most.
Eating chicken.
He choked on the wishbone.
Excuse me.
She loved that dog.
Let me check on her.
Terrible story, huh.
Yeah.
Imagine, if he was named Jerry hamburger, He's still be alive today.
Would it be all right if I left you the check? I'm leaving early.
There's a memorial service for Bobby.
Oh.
Well, actually, our friends are picking up the check, so Oh, I don't think so.
Your friends just left.
Are you sure it was them? I'm positive.
It was the lobster killer and that blonde woman.
She was laughing her ass off.
I wouldn't mind if you leave a tip this time.
So, should we go to Bobby's memorial And commemorate his passing? Oh, he hasn't passed quite yet, Joy.
But when he does, He'll be going back to the water.
Circle of life, Joy.
Oh! Hi, Joy.
Hey, there.
Hi.
I just accidentally knocked the lamp off my desk.
I didn't kick it.
That would be crazy.
What's up? Well, listen.
Ms.
Duffy, I As much fun as I've been having working here, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to give you my notice.
What? Why? No, no! Mr.
Stark is so unhappy.
Well, actually, that's the reason why.
You know, I know that you have a problem with Eddie, But I don't.
And as much as I need this job, I can't keep making him miserable.
Oh, God! That is so sweet.
God, you are too good for that man.
Right.
I am.
Yeah.
Um, but I'm just I'm going to look for something else.
Oh.
Well, you betcha.
And you know what? You're going to do great, Because you are a real go-getter.
In fact, I was going to give you Some more responsibilities around here.
You were? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was going to make you the director of the glee club.
Did you just say you were going to make Do-re-mi the director of the glee club? And the theater department.
Yeah.
I was kind of itching to do Some broadway shows this year.
That'd be right up your great white way.
Broadway shows? Yeah.
Do the faculty get to be in them? Oh! Oh, I don't know.
Let me ask the principal.
Yep, they sure do.
That is so tempting, Ms.
Duffy.
I know.
Yeah.
But I have to think of Eddie's happiness.
Well, wouldn't Eddie be happier if you were making more money? More money? Yeah, sure.
More work means more money.
What do you say, Joy? This offer expires in 10 seconds.
You're making it impossible for me to say no.
I'll do it! Yeah! Excellent.
Good.
I'll just I'll send a memo over to payroll right now.
And you know You know what really tickles me? I can't even imagine, And I wouldn't venture to guess.
Well, um, you're going to end up Making more money than Mr.
Stark.
But you know, Joy, this all comes with a price.
One day, I may ask you for a favor.
Nothing too elaborate.
You know? Just maybe leave the door unlocked Or a window open.
You're kidding, right? Of course I am.
Yeah.
No.
That's why I wanted you to be the drama teacher.
You know when people are acting.
You know what? I really I do have a great idea for a musical.
It's "rent" and "yentl.
" "Rentl.
" I play a homeless, drug-addicted, Gay, jewish cross-dresser.
Well, get going! It's not going to mount itself! Well, it might, but Just out of curiosity, Which teacher would she be aiding? You.
What? Oh.
I'm sorry.
Overacting! Oh, good.
We're late.
Hey, you know what? I just found some meatball in my jib In my jibwork.
Boy, I'd like to stick it to Joy.
What? You know, maybe we should each take them to You know, maybe we should each take them to Oh, my God! I'm going to have a seizure.
Me? I'm backing up.