'Til Death s04e16 Episode Script

The Concert

Oh, look at this All of the hits from the eighties for just 29.
This is an unbelievable deal.
Especially since you can download it for free.
Uh, that's called stealing, Joy.
Imagine if everybody downloaded my book for free.
Well, I could say that they'd be overcharged, But the joke is too easy.
I'm getting this.
Why? Because you're getting old and you want to revisit your glory days? Well, thanks for assuming that I had glory days, But this music makes sense to me.
All right, who's on it? Who's on it? Everybody important Air supply, pat benatar, the doobie brothers, Queen.
Did you even like queen? What, are you kidding me? I was Freddie Mercury on Halloween for 6 straight years.
Well, I'm gonna say that those weren't "straight" years Everybody.
All right.
Oh, look at this.
Here is the clincher.
They have the greatest hits of one of our favorite bands.
All right? Gonna give you a hint.
The name of the band contains a reference to water.
Rick springfield.
UhMuddy waters.
Creedence clearwater.
Emerson, lake & palmer.
No! Come on! All right, here it You flashed the drummer.
Captain & tennille.
The mormon tabernacle choir! Menudo! The cowsills! Come on! Narrow it down.
The little river band! Ha ha ha! Oh.
I love the little river band! Babe, that's where we met.
I know.
I know.
I jumped on top of your shoulders, and I flashed the drummer, And he poked himself in the eye with his stick.
Ha ha ha! Heh heh.
Oh, look at this.
Act now, and they will also throw in An easy-to-find beeping magnifying glass With an arthritis-friendly handle.
II gotta have give me the phone.
Babe, you're not gonna believe what's in the paper.
Look at this.
The little river band is coming to town.
Oh, my God! We were just talking about them last night! Incredible.
What a coincidence that what you were just talking about Turns out to be the plot of this week's episode.
You're not in a sitcom, Doug.
Sitcom stars bathe.
So, what is the little river band? What is the little river band? What is with this child? The little river band is our band from the eighties.
Your father and I met at one of their concerts.
That's right.
Look at this.
I can't believe they're playing at a nightclub.
What are the chances of seeing the little river band in a small venue? I don't know.
100%? We gotta go to this, Joy-Joy.
Gotta go.
Do you think there are any more tickets? Shut it.
Look, I'll check for tickets online.
If that doesn't pan out, I know a scalper, or we could check ebay.
Or you could just cut out these free tickets Right here in the newspaper.
Even better.
"gynecologist looses hand.
Poker tournament continues.
" hmm.
Starkjust the man I want to see.
Why? Well, I wanted to introduce you To our new art teacher Mr.
I think you two might hit it off.
Yeah, I rather doubt it.
I'm not really fond of people.
Well, we're on the same page.
Well, you see? You both share a hatred of mankind.
Fun! Huh? Hey, is it just me, or is she a psychotic bitch? No, she is out there.
The voices in her head are afraid to talk.
Notnly that she has a vendetta against me.
Why? She used to be a student of mine, And I gave her this nickname "dimbulb," And it inadvertently destroyed her self-esteem And subsequently her life, and blah, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, yeah, ye.
Yeah, I have a similar penchant for assigning sobriquets.
I had this no-talent lard-ass student Who I called Hindenburg Henderson, Because he was just a disaster.
Wait a minute.
Did you Did you just say "Hindenburg"? Yeah.
Blimps are a passion of mine Shared by no one.
II love blimps.
I'm writing a book on the hindenburg.
This is astonishing.
Are you going to blimp-a-palooza next year? Am I? I'm the keynote speaker.
No! Oh! Yes! Oh, my God 'cause you know dave is gonna go, So that makes at least 3 of us.
Good! Hey, look, why don't we grab lunch? Sure, sure, as long as you're buying.
You're cheap! So am I! I'mheap.
Yeah, so am I.
Hell, yes.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Sure, sure.
I'll go and eat with you.
But I gotta warn you, I got a very specific palate.
I only like things that are fried, breaded, and covered with cheese.
So do I.
Are you kidding? How about cheesesteaks? Could it be more perfect? Ok.
Ha ha ha! Let's go.
All righty.
All right.
Oh, wait a minute.
Do we have to eat with the rest of this herd Like farm animals sucking millet out of a chute? Oh, I can see you've met Mrs.
Uh, light on the "wit," heavy on the "ham"? Heh, there you go.
Listen, I know a drive-through.
We'll eat in the car.
Oh, sorry, Harris.
This seat is saved.
For who? Mr.
I'm telling Duffy.
Oh! Hope you're not giving blood today.
Isn't it fun to be the cool kids, huh? Yeah.
You know, when I was growing up, in the third grade, I was 6'5".
All the bullies used to beat up my knees.
I've had this beard since I was 10 years old.
It's very sad to sit in santa's lap and have him tug at your whiskers.
Hey, you know what I love to do? Tell kids that santa doesn't exist.
Is that not the best? Oh, it is.
It is priceless.
Yeah, but what it is, it's the look On their faces.
They're so I know.
They're so Devastated.
Ha ha ha! Ah, jinx! You owe me a coke.
Oh, you got it.
Do you want to share my cupcake? Oh.
By "my," I mean It's the one I stole from Mrs.
Well, only if you split this burrito with me That I lifted from Mr.
Which, personally, I think he lifted from Mr.
Who are you? How have I lived this long And never met you? You're feeling it, too, aren't you? Do I dare say the word Chemistry? So, are you married? No.
Uh, yes.
Actually, II am.
You got a You got a little Here.
Thank you.
Oh, I look like everything I hate.
What's with these pants? Did I not have testicles in the eighties? Don't worry.
No one will be looking at you.
You got that right.
I'd like to say you're "like a virgin," But we all know that that ship has sailed And sunk And formed a coral reef.
Whitey would have laughed at that.
I don't care what you say.
I love this outfit.
And I can remember a time when you loved it, too.
No, I loved removing the outfit.
But please don't get me aroused in these pants, 'cause the button will fly off and take an eye out.
Anyway, why are we getting dressed 3 days before the concert? I wanted to show you that I could still work this outfit.
Yeah? It looks like you're working in that outfit.
The tickets say Anyone who arrives in eighties attire gets a free glow stick.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
I'll buy you a damn glow stick.
It's just I wonder what whitey would say if he saw you in that getup.
You and this new art teacher have really hit it off, huh? He's unbelievable, Joy-Joy.
He's like my long lost non-jewish twin brother.
He's my goy-toy.
And we like all the same things.
By which you mean you hate all the same things.
You're starting to sound a little gay, Eddie.
And I'm ok with that.
Listen, if God forbid, something happened to you, Joy, Like you got hit by lightning or something, I really think I could spend the rest of my days with whitey.
Listen, I'm glad you have your little bff.
But hey, you're not gonna invite him to the concert, are you? Could I? No.
Ok, then no.
Damn it.
Hello, fellow Misanthrope.
Good morning, Eddie.
Guess what I have in ze bag.
UmI can't.
I got 2 lovely meatball hoagies One for me and one for mi compadre.
No, thank you.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
I got meatball sandwiches here That are covered in mozzarella cheese.
It comes with a coupon for an ekg, everybody.
I can't.
I'mI'm dieting.
Well, that's ok.
Let's go somewhere else for lunch.
You pick.
Actually, I have Other plans for lunch.
I'm sorry.
But we're still getting together later this afternoon, right? Remember? You were gonna show me how to use your potter's wheel, Like in "ghost.
" Kind of a one-man operation, Eddie.
I see.
Was it something I said? Did I do something wrong? No.
No, no, no.
It's not you, Eddie.
It's me.
I'll see you around.
Call me.
Guess I'm the only one who wanted a glow stick.
I can't figure out what I did to offend him.
Oh! Eddie, will you stop obsessing about your boyfriend? After school, I drove by his house.
His car wasn't there.
Eddie, listen to me! Listen to me.
I am the only person in the whole world Who actually wants to be with you.
Snap out of it.
All right.
All right.
Do you have any idea how many diseases are on that thing? Judging from this crowd, 2 Glaucoma and just plain coma.
You want a hit or not? No, no, thank you.
We don't do that stuff.
Whatbabe, I think I want to try it.
I don't think that's a good idea.
When was the last time you smoked bud? I was 9.
Sweetheart, I might be high, but I'm not blind.
This stuff's a lot stronger than it used to be.
What, you don't think I can handle it? Look, she's not daring you.
Don't succumb to peer pressure.
At least, that's what the poster says outside my classroom.
Listen to your man.
I know I do when my wife tells me I've had enough.
Honey honey? Uhh.
I drink A pint of gin a day.
You think a little toke is gonna bother me? Ok.
All right.
See? I'm perfectly fine.
I think I see that helicopter again.
That's a streetlight, Joy.
For the hundredth time, the fbi is not following you Because you foolishly took one hit off a joint.
Forgot how paranoid this stuff makes me.
I could have sworn that at the concert, everybody was staring at me.
Everybody was staring at you because you threw your shirt at the drummer, going, "remember these? Hey?" At least I didn't embarrass myself.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You know what the best part about tonight was? Well, 10 minutes ago, You said it was reminiscing about "reminiscing," And then you laughed for 2 minutes.
Did I? That's funny! But you know what's funnier than that? That right now, We're reminiscing about reminiscing about "reminiscing.
" Yeah, you're still high.
You know what, though, babe? Hmm? The best part about tonight was sharing it with you, 'cause you are the ginchiest.
Ok, honey.
All right.
Right back at you.
I had a good time.
I'm a little hungry.
You want to grab a bite? I could go for a sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Say that fast.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Say it.
I was thinking of a frozen yogurt, But I guess we could get a sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
Sheet cake.
That's cute.
Helicopter! So, we'll start with the pizza, And we'll put the cake in the fridge.
I ate the whole cake in the car.
Can you imagine what would have happened If I had smoked the entire joint? What? You would have eaten a whole cake in the car? My teeth itch.
That's it.
I am never smoking pot again.
Drugs are bad.
I'm just gonna take a percocet and go to bed.
Hey, Joy-Joy, guess what stupid thing I'm doing now? I'm writing a book about blimps that no one's gonna buy.
Who cares? Let's go have noisy sex Like beasts at a watering hole, So that our daughter grows up to be afraid of intimacy.
Really? Are you? No.
No, I'm just joking.
It's improv.
I'm riffing.
Oh, ok.
Keep it going.
Do more Eddie.
I hate my son-in-law Because he's forward-thinking And I'm a drooling neanderthal.
He's behind me, isn't he? Yup.
Hello, Doug.
Hey, you.
Hi, Ally.
Don't be mad.
We were just joking.
It's funny.
Do more.
Really? Yeah, it's good.
Go on.
Ok I'm in love with this new guy at work, Because he's as awful as I am.
We're having a bromance.
me and whitey, sittin' in a tree k-I-s-s That's enough! Enough! Just because whitey and I have hit a little bit of a rough patch Does not give you the right to make fun of us.
What you don't know about human emotions Could fill aFurnace! Ahem.
Hey, let's mosey on back to the trailer.
Good idea I guess that big lug got to me in ways I didn't even realize.
I'm going to bed.
I'llI'll be up In a couple of seconds, honey.
What are you doing? Huh? No.
You were checking to see if he left a message, weren't you? So maybe I was! And no, he didn't leave a message.
Are you happy? I hope you're happy.
I hope you're all happy! God! Oh! Hi.
That explains it.
You stole him from me.
He's mine now.
Of course, I had to find him for you first.
I scoured america looking for your perfect match.
Then I hired him.
And then I waited for you to fall for him, As I knew you would.
You're a monster.
Ohhigh praise indeed, Coming from frankenstein! You know, everything about that man just repulses me.
Hey, there.
But I got through it, Just by envisioning the look on your face right now.
Oh, God, I wish I could just freeze it.
Now, I'm gonna put it in my hard drive, And I'm gonna access it later when I'm in bed with Mr.
White I'm gonna tell him that you're using him.
Oh, ha ha ha! Mr.
I'm smokin' hot, and he's, like, a hundred years old.
He's not gonna care.
So, bye.
Get out.
Go! You still sad? Oh, I can't believe I walked into another trap, But I did.
I let Duffy set me up for a fall, And now I'm paying the ultimate price Heartbreak.
Well, I have something that I believe Will cheer you up.
Here it is The entire 1980s! It arrived! Yeah? Look at that.
The little river band's greatest hits.
Get ready.
Oh, hello! May I have this dance? Absolutely.
You want me to flash you? Absolutely.
It's ok.
You sure? What's with the shades? Did she do this to you? They look great, but they're hard as rocks.
I think you're in over your head.
Friends again? Friends.
Ah, meatball.
And what brings the princess Into the manor? I wanted to be able to do this without Oh, look at this.
If you act now, you get An easy-to-find beeping magnifying glass With a friendly-arthritis handle.
For 2 easy payments Of 9.
Did I say that wrong? Heh.
Diddid I whatwhat did I say? Friendly-arthritis handle.
It could be a friendly-arthritis handle Be like, "how are you? I'm friendly.
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