'Til Death s04e17 Episode Script

Merit Pay

Hey, let's take a vacation in Cape May.
Can't afford it.
Sure we can! It's just a tank of gas and a couple nights in a motel.
Put a little pizzazz back in our marriage.
Yeah, well, pizzazz is expensive.
And by the way, I'm not getting the raise That I was expecting.
Why not? Eddie, you're due a raise.
Yeah, but they made the system unfair.
Now it's merit-based.
You have to actually Be a good teacher to get a raise.
I don't know what the hell is happening in this country.
Honey, you're a great teacher.
Look, a coach is only as good as his players.
I'm supposed to maintain a b-average in all of my classes, And yet I got these two functional idiots.
Yeah? Really? Yeah, I got this Feldman guy.
He's driving me nuts.
He has an a+ in every one of his classes, But he's tanking in mine.
So just give this Feldman kid a "b," And we head to the shore.
I tried that, but Duffy caught me.
Want to know how she punished me? She saddled me with even a dumber kid, This transfer student named Garcia Who's guaranteed to fail.
Come on, Eddie, we need this raise.
I'm tellin' ya, the kid is dumb.
Ya know? It takes him an hour and a half To watch "60 minutes.
" All right, Eddie, you know what, This is the situation I need this vacation.
I just bought myself a new bathing suit, And I don't know how many bikini years I have left.
So no Feldman or Garcia or Duffy is going to keep me From strutting my stuff in Cape May, New Jersey.
I'm telling you, The kid is stupid, you know? He tried to smoke the crack in the liberty bell, ooh.
sony pictures television Oh, I love the smell of fake bacon in the morning.
Stay right there, I'm going to serve you breakfast in bed.
Wow.
What did I do to deserve this? 'cause you're my little hunka hummus.
Ah! Who are you? Very funny.
You know, last night, you called me the sexiest woman alive, Right after I made my sexy face.
You know, this one Ok, all right, you're not Ally.
What did you do with her? Where is she? What's going on? Doug, don't tell me you're having Another one of those "I think I'm a character in a sitcom" moments.
That stuff is crazy.
And frankly, It's not very appealing.
Ok.
You're not Ally, and I know it.
Doug, you're having another delusion.
You know, you should have never snorted Those orchids in Ecuador.
What? How do you know about that? Do you remember what you snorted them off of? You're here, good.
Oh, you're here.
Bad.
Hi, mom.
Hi, daddy.
Hey, baby.
Hey, Ally.
Do you want some breakfast, Or have you already had your plate Of tofu and scrambled gossamer? Ok, ok, hold it.
I want you both To look at this woman.
Mm-hmm.
I want you to take a good look at her And tell me who she is.
That's our daughter, Ally.
Yep.
But she doesn't look any different to you Then she did, say, a week ago? Let me see.
Ok.
Well, I do see A slight hint in her eyes Of, "oh, God, how did I end up with this putz?" But, um, other than that, It's my same gorgeous girl.
Oh, thank you, daddy.
You bet.
Doug's having a bad morning.
Ok, this is the worst episode yet, By far.
I am seeing a completely different woman Playing the part of Ally.
Doug, not the sitcom thing again.
Aren't you seeing a shrink for this crap? Are you taking your medication? Ok, don't talk to me like you know me, ok? Guest star? Hey, hey, watch it.
Too bad we can't recast him.
Daddy! Honey.
Taylor.
Way to go.
Garcia.
Si.
Oh, you're a long way from a "c," my little friend.
Got another "f.
" I'm gonna start calling you "el ef-ay.
" Hola, a 38.
This is my best score ever.
Good for you.
The only one who did worse than you was Feldman, f-minus.
Bueno.
At least I'm not last.
Another "f"? Wow.
It's almost as if I wasn't trying.
Well, see you tomorrow.
Whoa, wait, wait, hold up, Feldman.
You're an "a" in every other class.
What's your problem with history? Lack of motivation.
I mean, what's in it for me To know arcane historical facts Like that stonewall jackwas born In clarksburg, west virginia and trained at west point.
Ok, why are you tanking my class, faker? I'm a business man, Mr.
Stark.
Go ask your friends in the teacher's lounge about me.
Then we'll talk.
Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on.
Are you suggesting that I pay you to do well? Well, that's why you want me to do well, isn't it? So you can get the merit pay raise? Look, all I'm saying is, I want a taste.
You have a hell of a future, Feldman.
But that's going to be in politics, the mafia or show business.
You know why? Because I ain't paying you.
Oh, you'll pay! One way or another.
Can't you just neutralize these kids By bringing in another smart kid? Well, there is one, Chin.
But he's in Whitey's fourth period.
All right, so why don't you Just make a deal with Whitey for Chin? He's not going to do me any favors.
Whitey is shacking up with Duffy.
Oh, come on! There must be something that Whitey wants.
I don't know, maybe there is a possibility.
Maybe we can do a trade, like in fantasy league football, Except in this case, we're playing with children's lives.
I like it.
Hey, Whitey.
Hey, pal.
What happened to your wrist? Oh, rope burns.
Mistress Duffy and I were here, can you Mistress Duffy and I were playing "weekend at gitmo" And she left me strapped to the water board.
Then she got a phone call from her mother That went on and on and on.
I guess her mother's used to hearing Cries for help in the background.
Listen to me, you're going to have to break that thing off.
I know, but not before Saturday, 'cause that's when we're playing "prep me for surgery.
" And then Sunday, we've got matinee tickets To "the fantasticks" at the bucks county playhouse.
Wow.
It just gets worse and worse for you, doesn't it? Listen, Whitey, I gotta ask you a favor.
Oh, anything at all for you, My brother from another mother.
Listen, it's about Chin.
My fourth period class is a disaster, And I really need him.
No, you can't have Chin.
He's got a real gift for art.
I tell you, that kid has got the eye Of picasso, only more narrow and slightly slanted.
But no, no, no.
I'm not going to give him up.
No, but look, I'm not asking you to.
I thought maybe we could just rearrange our schedules a bit.
You know, like, you keep Chin in your second period And I can have him in my fourth period.
No.
I don't think so.
Now first of all, it would upset Duffy If she knew I was doing anything to make you happy.
She hates you, you know.
Yes, I know.
Here is my offer, all right? You give me Chin, and I give you patel, rasheed, and mikimodo.
Well, mikimodo's all right.
But patel's only a "b.
" He's lost his mojo.
Yeah, but guess what? His family is all back together, And everyone's in therapy.
I'm telling you, this is his breakout year.
Well, rasheed is all over the place.
The kid is bouncing off the walls.
Ok, I get it.
That was last season.
You see, rasheed is back on the ritalin, And he's hyper-focused.
There are a lot of variables here, Eddie.
Don't you have Feldman in your fourth period? Yes.
Well, then, what's your problem? I refused to pay him.
Everybody pays Feldman.
Hey, how many pay Feldman here? You see? He's gotten us All raises.
Just stop with the craziness, Eddie.
Play ball.
No way.
It's unethical.
You're just cheap.
Come down from your tower, rapunzel.
This is the real world.
Listen, Whitey, please.
I really need Chin.
Ok.
You can have Chin, But you gotta give me the other three we talked about, And throw in a stein or a berg to be named later.
Deal.
Remember, you get 40 minutes to complete the exam.
And I'll tell you what Spell your name right, I'll throw in an extra 5 points.
Ok? Where's Where's Chin? He's supposed to be here today.
I heard his girlfriend left him and he flipped out.
He's not coming back any time soon.
What? Did This can't be happening.
Oh, it's happening.
Hey, Stark I don't know the answer to any of these questions.
You know, I can probably remember If you gave me, say, a hundred good reasons.
Yeah? Why don't I give you five good reasons? I'm teasing.
If you did that, I'd own your house.
Yeah, well, you know what, I don't own my own house, buddy.
So who's the smart one now? Who's the smart one now? How we doin'? Oh, let me guess You're an easter island statue.
Ok, ok, no, no, wait, I know, I know.
Frankenstein.
Oh, God, no, I know.
You're a man who's not going to get a raise.
Chin could have put me right over the top.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Whitey told me all about it.
It's too bad Chin was absent, huh? Yeah.
Oh, apparently his girlfriend left him.
Oh.
I wonder if she misinterpreted something I said to her.
What do you mean, something you said? What did you say? Oh, something like "Chin's cheating on you," And she took that and twisted it all around To mean Chin was cheating on her.
These kids are so literal.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
So you were behind this? Oh, Mr.
Stark, I am behind all bad things That happen to you.
Oh, you remember when your cable went out during the playoffs? Snip.
And by my calculations, Without Chin, you are one "a" short of getting that raise.
Oh, what I wouldn't give for a house to fall out of the sky And lan you right now.
That's not gonna happen, dorothy.
Hello, Doug.
Whoa, whoa, what's going on here? What is this? Relax, relax.
Have a seat.
You're not hallucinating.
These are real cameras.
But why? Well, most of my patients have difficulty dealing with reality, So I thought, hey, why not make this a reality show? So Now I'm a character in a reality show? Surreal, isn't it? This is your camera right here.
I thought this would help you differentiate Between the fantasy of being in a sitcom And the reality of being in a reality show.
Oh, wow, this is really ground-breaking.
Literally.
I had to take out the fourth wall To get these cameras in here.
So what's going on, Doug? Well, I woke up this morning, And my wife is being played By a completely different actress.
And everybody's acting like nothing's changed, And it's just really freaking me out.
Ok, ok, take it easy.
This is very, very common.
It's known as the darren syndrome.
The darren syndrome? Yes.
The first time it happened was on A sitcom called "bewitched.
" And they replaced the husband darren With a totally different actor, And everybody acted like nothing had happened.
Oh, my God, so I'm not alone.
Not at all.
The jeffersons swapped out one lionel For a completely different lionel.
"roseanne," which was a big hit, They replaced the first daughter with the second daughter And then they replaced the second daughter with the first daughter.
I mean, how wacky is that? That is such a relief, Because we all know that roseanne's not crazy.
This is all part of your paranoid delusion, Doug.
You need to keep taking your medication And try to make the best of it.
I'm not sure I know how to do that.
We need to get better eyes on you.
Can you repeat that looking into your camera, please? Uh, sure, where am I? This one right here.
This one.
The one with the light.
Corey? Sup? I'm not sure I know how to do that.
Here's how you do it If you don't like the way a scene is going, Just rewrite it.
I can do that? Stars can do anything they want.
Hmm.
I'd like to that again, please.
Stars can do anything they want.
Can I ask? We were playing "no country for old men.
" Let's just leave it at that.
I can't believe you sold me out to Duffy.
Well, she's impossible to resist.
And I have a low threshold for pain.
Why don't you just pay Feldman? No, I am not going to succumb to tyranny.
None of us should have to pay Feldman.
Listen up, everybody.
This is crazy.
We should just let Feldman fail.
No, no, no, calm down.
Hey, calm down! Everybody, hey, hey.
Hey, listen.
Let the man speak.
Let's hear what he has to say.
And bear in mind, he's as tight as a frog's ass, And that's waterproof.
Silence! We are educators.
We are not supposed to pay students to do well.
We have to motivate them to succeed.
If not us, who? If not now, when? My pension's tied to my salary, And my salary's tied to Feldman, So shut up, Stark.
Get that thing on your neck checked.
Out of my chair, Feldman.
Just keeping it warm for you.
Put the cannon down.
Put the cannon down.
So you asked to see me.
Are you ready to do business? Well, it galls me to ask you this, You little crook, But I need you to get an a+ on the final exam.
Can you deliver? What's the subject? The siege at the alamo.
Huh? size.
All right.
I'm impressed.
So what is this going to cost me? Here's my rate sheet.
These are prices for marijuana.
Other side.
That a+ doesn't come cheap.
Well, maybe you'd rather go for a guaranteed "f.
" They're free.
I feel filthy.
But I want to give my wife that vacation, So just this one time, I'm in.
You won't regret it.
I already regret it.
Get out.
You bring the money, I'll bring the "a.
" Can you believe the cajones on this kid? He's got his own rate sheet.
Eddie, you don't have to pay him.
Yeah, but if I don't pay him, There's no vacation.
I don't need a vacation that badly.
Listen, I'll put on my new bikini, A beach boys cd, and throw some sand in the bed.
Really? Really.
Because I have to tell you, this has been killing me.
Killing you? Come on, babe.
If you're unhappy, I'm unhappy.
So if you don't want to pay him, don't pay him.
Thanks, Joy-Joy.
Let me see this thing.
Look at that, for the price of a b-minus, I could get a whole eighth of skunk.
Talk about a recession-proof business, holy moly.
Wow, you wouldn't want this falling into the wrong hands, now would you? Good morning, Feldman.
Whatever.
Do you have the money? Indeed I do.
I've decided to keep it.
Then I'm going to fail.
Well, that makes one of us.
Ok, suit yourself.
I can afford a vacation.
Oh, by the way.
I sent your rate sheet To the superintendent of schools.
Enjoy your vacation.
It's going to be a long one.
Thank you.
Mr.
Stark? I am almost done.
Yeah.
Don't worry about it, Garcia.
Just crumple it up and put it in the wastebasket.
No, no.
I am finished.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Just a second, Garcia.
How did you know all the names of Santa Ana's generals? Some of them are my family.
Really? Yeah, and you knew How high the walls were at the alamo, Andand how many men lost their lives? This is unbelievable.
I know everything about the alamo, Mr.
Stark.
I grow up at the alamo.
My mother is a tour guide at the alamo.
Do you realize what you've done here? This is an a+ paper.
Really? Sweet.
Mom's gonna put it on the fridge.
When we get one.
Hold on.
What happened to your accent? Talking like this Makes the white people feel comfortable.
That's very true, because I have to be honest When you dropped the accent, it was a little disconcerting.
Way to go, my brown brother.
This is awesome, good for you.
Listen, Mr.
Stark, The alamo's pretty much it for me.
It's my big jeopardy category, you know? So from now on, it's back to "fs.
" Well, now, wait a minute, I don't know about that.
You saved my butt here.
I'm gonna do all I can to bump you up to a "d" average.
Orale! I'd be the first in my family.
Adios, amigo.
Buenos dias.
So, Mr.
Stark, I understand You ratted Feldman out.
Did that help motivate him on your exam? Nope.
Oh, that's too bad.
My heart weeps for you.
So I guess you're not getting that raise, huh? Oh, thanks to you, Duffy, That raise is in the bank.
How do you figure that? Because you brought me the head of alfredo Garcia.
Garcia? He thinks you use a monkey wrench to open a monkey.
He's got a head full of rocks.
That's right.
And those rocks are from the alamo.
Do you know why? Because he grew up there! Ha ha! Take a look at this.
A+ paper, dim bulb.
Ok, Mr.
Stark, that's fine, that's fine.
You may have won this battle, But you haven't won the war, ok? The war goes on.
You just think of it this way You are the alamo.
And I, I am eight million pissed off mexicans.
Comprende, jirafo? That means, get it, giraffe? My cannon! My cannon.
Hey, babe? Yeah? Are you coming to bed? It's getting kind of lonely back here.
I'll be right there.
Good, 'cause the Doug doll really isn't doing it for me.
I can rewrite the scene.
I can rewrite the scene.
I'm sorry I was being grouchy earlier.
I shouldn't be.
You're the greatest husband in the world.
I just love being here with you in our little hobbit nest.
But you said that it was like a tin can And you hated it.
No, I never said that.
You must be thinking of someone else.
I love being here with you.
I love everything about our lives.
I like our microbiotic food.
I like taking air baths.
I love that we live below the poverty level.
It's awesome.
You're awesome.
Can I see that sexy face again? Of course.
I'd do anything for you.
This is kinda working for me.
What say you and me and the Doug doll Get in a little trouble in the back? And no Feldman or Garcia or Duffy Is going to keep me from strutting myself In Cape May, New Jersey.
Strutting myself? I'm sorry.
Can we take that can we take it again? Sorry.
From the beginning.
I thought my "but why" was weird.
Guess you're not getting that raise, huh? Thanks to you, my raise is in the bank, Duffy.
Duffy! What was that?