'Til Death s04e18 Episode Script

The New Neighbors

Keep or dump? Keep.
Whathave you worn this in the last 6 months? No.
Dump it.
No, wait a minute! What if I'm invited to a luau? A luau? In Philly? Why not? We got fire.
We got pigs.
What? Babe, the rule's the rule.
Ok? If you haven't touched something in 6 months, it's out of here.
I'm sure gonna miss you, Joy.
Stop it! Come on.
I'm making sacrifices too.
This is all great stuff.
But I'm not keeping it, 'cause it's not age-appropriate.
Age-appropriate? You have "uicy" written on your butt.
What?! What happened to the "j"? Donuts? I'm kidding.
You know I love that dumper.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Babe, I know this is hard.
But look on the brightside.
We're having a big yard sale.
And we're gonna have extra money.
Well, I like that.
Doesn't it feel good to get rid of all this clutter? Oh, kind of.
Wait a minute.
My collector car? No, you can't give that away.
Honey, it's a child's toy.
You have a lot of them.
It's time to get rid of them.
My slinky! Look at this.
And it's the old school one.
It isn't like the plastic ones today.
This is one of the greatest stress relievers.
Like you used to be.
Can we let some children enjoy these things? Screw the children.
They have their computers.
I want my toys.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
Pick 2.
What am I? 7? I'm gonna go with the slinky and the yo-yo.
"battleship!" I can't believe you have Oh, and here's my "lite-brite!" Hey.
And besides, get that'u where my pilates machine is going.
A pilates machine? Ok.
So, let me get this straight.
Your plan is to sell 800 small things that we don't use And buy one big thing we won't use.
Will we, honey? And buy one big thing really? Let's look at your pile, shall we? What is this here? No idea.
Oh, this is your ab toner.
That's right.
And you havewhat's here? "22-minute abs," "15-minute abs," "7-minute abs.
" "7-minute abs?" I'm keeping that.
Are you? How about a thigh master That's never been out of the box? Come on, Joy.
Joy, what the hell are we going to do with a pilates machine? We will use this opportunity to get into shape together.
And we'll agree to do that for the 3,000th time? We never had the room before.
Now we are going to have the space to work out in.
It's going to be great.
Let's get started on the drawers.
No Yes! I'll get it, honey.
Let me get it.
You just you do your drawers.
Yeah? Hi.
I'm Tommy Campbell.
Me and the wife just moved in next door.
So, I wanted to introduce myself.
How are you? I'm Eddie Stark.
So, I guess we're pretty much done here, huh? Pretty much.
Look, I'll be honest with you.
I didn't wanna come over.
It's the wife.
She's a people person.
Me? I like sheep.
Take it easy.
Let me ask you something.
Are you married? Look at this face.
What do you think? I'll tell you what.
Why don't you invite us over tonight for cocktails? and buy Doug a haircut.
Well, I want to keep my Teddy bear.
Oh, my blanky.
That's great.
Then we can take all your stuff, mix it with my stuff, And then someday have our own gar.
Well, first you have to get a garage, Doug.
You just don't want me to succeed, do you? Come on, honey! Yeah.
Stick this stuff into our negativity-free zone.
Oh, I thought it was a rent-free zon Daddy Honey Come on, Doug.
Doug exits.
Hey, Eddie! Whitey's here.
Whitey's here.
Fix your hair.
Fix it.
Well, it's just that I did.
Me and Johnnie Walker.
It's original Whitey U knicke absolutely it's unnecessary.
So, how much is this beauty? $26,000.
$26,000? $26,000? Mm-hmm.
But I'm paying off the farmer thathe sheep.
I mean, why would anyone put a surveillance camera in a barn? All right.
Let's get this over with.
I'll be right in.
Hey, Tommy! Hi, Eddie.
Say hello to the wife, April.
Oh, hi.
How are you? So, it's nice to meet you.
April, what a beautiful rackname.
We're not insulted.
Not at all.
Wow! You're tall.
I'm not used to looking up at a man.
Well, I could stand on my wallet.
That would even things out.
Hey, isn't she cute? She's like the girl I used to date before I had money.
Except she doesn't have a valve in her stomach.
Hello, hello! Oh, and this is my wife, ironically named Joy.
Hi, I'm Tommy Campbell.
Hello, Tommy Campbell.
It's nice to meet you.
And this must be your daughter.
Whoa! Daughter?! If she was my daughter, could I do this? No.
This is Tommy's wife, April.
Really? Isn't she adorable? Look at the size of her feet! She's gonna be tall! All right.
Why don't we sit down, everybody, huh? Make ourselves comfortable.
Very nice.
So, tell me, Tommy, what line of work are you in? I'm a software developer.
Well, I was.
I'm retired now.
I created a cell phone app for getting a divorce.
Really? Click.
I wouldn'tI'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
It went viral, and I made a small fortune.
Which I get when he dies.
That's 'cause the ex-wife divorced me before I made my money.
Who's the big worthless jew now? Not you, handsome.
So, where did you two meet? My guess would be "to catch a predator.
" Chuck e.
I had to stop off there to use the john.
I don't know about you, but I can't go more than 6 blocks.
I saw her by the ski ball machine.
I bought her a roll of ticket.
Next thing you know, I'm throwing her bike in the back of my car.
And we're driving to my house.
That is soDisgusting.
Really? I'm a little teary.
It's almost the perfect relationship.
I'll be dead in 10 years.
And I'll be rich.
And I'll be here.
Listen, Campbell people, aside from the obvious, What do you two have in common? There's nothing besides the obvious! Look at me! I'm a short, 51-year old jew with a cartoon voice And a prostate the size of henderson, nevada.
Why else would she be with me?! I'm earning every penny.
She really is.
She's a trouper.
You know, I gotta be honest.
I'm trying to find a hole in this, and I can't find one.
Really? I see several.
Well, welcome to the neighborhood.
I hope you don't mind.
I sunbathe in the nude.
I do not have a problem with that.
Oh, and so do I.
I have a problem with that.
Stop looking at the neighbors.
I wonder what they're doing over there.
Take a guess.
You're probably right.
Oh, they're a fun couple.
Babe, that relationship is wrong on every level.
It's disgusting.
No, Joy.
Love is not disgusting.
They seem to be the perfect couple.
Uh, yeah? How would you feel if it was your daughter? You're just determined to ruin this for me.
Babe, think about it.
Ok? A man can't possibly enjoy having sex with a woman Who's just doing it for the money.
You're right, Joy.
That's probably why prostitution never caught on.
I just want to go on record as saying the whole thing is odd, strange, And, frankly, a little repulsive.
You're absolutely right.
Let's have them over for dinner tomorrow night.
Can you believe anyone would wear this crap? These clothes look like something from my mother's closet.
More like your grandmother's closet.
The shirt looks archaic.
Let's go! We get better stuff at the shelter.
It's called vintage, bitches.
Ah, well to sell Joy, Joy, way to sell.
Pearls before swine.
Listen, hold down the fort.
I need a refill.
Take it easy.
Hi, Eddie! Hey, Tommy! How arewhere's April? Oh, she's taking a nap.
She's a lot less fussy in the evening If she takes her nap.
Besides, she worked really hard last night.
Oh, she has a job? No Ooh! Look at this hawaiian shirt! It's hideous! I'll take it.
Have you ever been to Hawaii, Tommy.
I was there once.
I got 3rd degree burns on the 1st day.
I spent the week in the hospital getting my skinned peeled By a 19-year-old candy striper named kiki liki wo.
Boy, you sure had a good run, huh, Tommy? Well, I've had some bumps along the road.
But I figure what they can't cut out, They could burn off, am I right?! I guess.
Eddie, what do you want for the al sharpton mug? Hey, Whitey.
How are ya? Good.
Good to see ya.
Always good to see ya.
You too.
Hey, who's the guy with the voice box? This is my new neighbor Tommy.
Nice meeting you.
Do you like sheep? I+m crazy about sheep.
If they could vacuum and make a decent omelet, I'd be a married man.
Ha ha ha! He's funny! He's a keeper! So What puts the smile on your face, grandpa? Well, I'm dating a woman half my age.
Holla! You know, Tommy's wife is young too.
Ashton kutcher young? Or young young? Hugh hefner young.
She's old enough to shave, which she does! Hey, you got some great stuff here.
I'll take all of it.
All of it? Well, Tommy, I think I have to let you know That this painting is very expensive.
It's $26,000.
It's got a sheep in it.
Sold! You should have taken me up on that 10%, huh? Well, it's not too late to.
Yes, it is.
Hey, how many positions on this weight bench? I'll take it.
Here is your $26,000, Whitey.
Oh, thank you, Joy.
Where's Eddie? Oh, he's not here.
He's getting a haircut.
Oh, that's too bad.
You know, I cut hair.
I actually even have kinda a look in mind for Eddie.
Really? Yeah.
I also have a great joke for him.
It's Well, why don't you tell me? Nah, I don't think you'd get it.
I might.
I doubt it.
Try me.
Well, I guess if Eddie's not here, I might as well just take off.
Oh, ok.
Would you like a cup of tea? From a bag? Yeah.
You know just 'cause Eddie's not here Doesn't mean that you have to go.
We could just sit and talk.
No, thank you.
That's like going to the white house and just meeting Michelle.
don't you kinda wish you had a tail well, I do maybe some gills and scales well, I do how 'bout some wings so you can fly I do the clouds, and the rainbows and the waterfalls in the sky that's why animals are better than people so, don't you dare eat 'em Oh, that was terrific! Terrific! Here.
Here's some money.
Why don't you take some lessons? Can I help you? Who are you? Oh, I'm the jew from next door.
I'm Tommy Campbell.
I was named after my father, Tommy Lipchitz.
Oh, right.
I heard about you.
Hi, I'm Doug von Stuessen.
Oh, von stuessen.
I believe I met some of your relatives in argentina.
We did not see eye to eye.
Get it? Not seenazi? Ha ha ha! Oh, world war 2 never gets old.
This is my wife allie.
Oh, we've met.
Nice to see you again.
This is really a beautiful vehicle.
I noticed it when me and April were jumping up and down On the trampoline this morning.
We have about an hour of tumble time a day.
It's in the contract.
So, how much do you want for this wagon? Oh, um, well, see it's not for sale.
Not for sale? But I could see me and April Chasing each other around in here when we play "das boot.
" I'm sure you could.
But, you see, this is our home.
I see.
He'd sell me before he'd sell this place.
I'm listening No.
It was just a joke.
Uh, nothing's for sale.
In fact, we're not motivated by money.
No, we're not.
Boy, April sure is.
You know, she gets a million dollar bonus If I die in the sack.
Well, actually that offer's open to anybody.
Wink, wink.
I say wink, wink.
Because physically I'm incapable of winking.
Well, I guess there's no sale here.
So, lady, bearded lady, Adios! that was a creepy, creepy man he sure was offering money for sex he sure did now I feel dirty and violated and that's why animals are better than people Hey, Eddie! You wouldn't ever want to change places with Tommy, would you? No.
Well, first of all, I like being able to reach peanut butter.
Honey, listen.
My life would be meaningless without you.
Oh, really? Really.
Come over here and give me a little sugar.
Knock knock! Whoa! This looks hot! How are you, Tommy? Boy, you know, what you two have this is real love.
Unlike my shallow existence.
I feel terrible.
I'm over it.
Tommy, what are you doing in my house? I'm looking for food.
April puts a lot stuff out on the table, But none of it has nutritional value.
How about I make you a ham sandwich? I'll pay you $800.
Oh, and by the way, I'm putting the word out April's available for babysitting, Pet-sitting, house-sitting, Basically anything that involves sitting.
It's $11.
00 an hour Or a grand for the whole night.
Ha ha! I'm sure we could find a place for her to sit.
Marco! Excuse me.
Polo! There you are.
Oh, don't feed him.
I just sent out for pizza.
Oh, damn! Come on, honey.
Let's go home and work up an appetite.
I'll see you two tomorrow.
If I survive the night.
Either way I'm a winner.
Me too.
Goodnight! Goodnight! Bye.
Still think your life is meaningless without me? Not a good time to ask me that, Joy.
Not a good time.
So, what puts the smile on your face Little different than doing a duck, huh, Gilbert? Not so far.
I'll take it! Sold! Holla! Holla!
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