'Til Death s04e25 Episode Script

Mom, dad, Doug and I wrote a song for you.
And it's a good one.
Okay, well, we love your songs, honey.
Yes, we do.
Come on, let's hear it.
we'll never have a swimming pool we'll never have a car that's cool we'll never have a private jet we'll never have a tv set I'll never do the business thing I'll never have a diamond ring we'll never have a horse to mount we'll never have a bank account but we do have each other you guys are great dad and mother, my period is late so here's a big surprise it's gonna make your day Doug and Allie have a baby on the baby on the baby on the way I'm pregnant.
And I helped.
Well? What You're pregant, really? Really.
Really? Oh, yeah! This is exciting news.
Really? Really! Give me a hug.
Oh, baby! We should have seen this coming, Doug.
Can't even pull your winnebago out of the driveway.
This isthis is so exciting.
Baby! And, Doug, come here, you.
Are you happy, daddy? Of course, I am, baby.
"Mazel tov.
" Yes, we can.
There's so much to do.
And so much to get.
Oh, thank God we're rich! Oh, we don't need much, daddy.
So, tell me.
When are you due? Oh, we don't like to use the word "due.
" You know? Homework is due, Rent is due, bills are due.
We prefer to say, "When are you miraclizing?" Oh, you're right about one thing, Doug.
You don't anything.
Ok.
When are you miraclizing? Well, we're not really sure until we see the doctor, but I think it's pretty safe to say that in about you guys are gonna be grandparents.
Well, this is wonderful news.
Isn't it, babe? Oh, it sure is.
Grandma.
We're gonna have to update that a bit.
Uh, "g" mama.
It's hip, it it's today, It's really much more me.
Fo' shizzle.
Well, all right, "g" mama.
We're gonna go into the garage And find my old baby stuff.
Ok, good.
Wow, indeed.
I know that 7 months seems like a long time, But it is really not.
I mean, we have to get ready, 'cause this is this is gonna happen really fast.
Do you think that she should have a water birth? Have you heard about those? It's supposed to be peaceful For the mama and the baby, And what you do is, You put a gigantic, big birthing tub Right here in the living room, And then, everybody gets in.
You heard me.
Everybody.
We'll put candles everywhere, And my God, this house is not childproof.
We can't have a baby in this house.
These stairs, they're an accident waiting to happen.
We have to put a gate at the bottom of the stairs.
And I'm also thinking maybe we should put one At the top of the stairs, too, And, jeez, these do you think that these are too far apart? Because, I think thatthat a baby could probably Most likelyyeah, a baby could fit their head right through here.
Unless, of course, the baby had your head, Which would be really weird, 'cause it would be a little tiny baby With a big, big head.
It would probably have to wear a helmet, 'cause it would be so top-heavy.
Oh, speaking of top-heavy, Breastfeeding.
I mean, these days, They have these things called lactation consultants.
We could call one of those, Because nipples don't just turn on and off Like a faucet.
And the doors.
The doors are very unsafe.
I mean, theywe're gonna have to take All the locks and move them all the way up top.
Everything's gonna have to come up, up, up.
'cause this is not to code.
'cause there's a code for kids.
There's a kids code.
Lamaze class.
I'm gonna sign them up.
Maybi'll even go with them.
But, you know what? I could probably teach her how to breathe Because lamaze is just a version Of the kundalini breath of fire.
Oh, my God! I haven't done that in a long time.
Whoa, I'm dizzy.
Breast pump.
Breast pump.
We're gonna have to do that because, you know, when I was breastfeeding, that was a long time ago, they had these breast pumps that were heavy and archaic and that's why I sit like the letter "c," 'cause it was just it caves your back right in, and they've done amazing things with the br And nursing bras? Of course.
The did you know that if you put a cabbage leaf into your bra, it keeps you from becoming engorged and keeps the nipples from chafing.
Did you know that? No.
Yeah.
You know, this is this is gonna be so exciting.
I mean, a baby's on the way! And I know that you would have thought That I would be uncomfortable with the fact that I'm gonna be a grandmother.
I would have thought that too, but no, I'm not.
This is Oh This is fantastic.
And you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonnaI'm gonna put on a couple of pounds Because babies like soft, pillowy things and I want to be the one that the baby wants to be on.
So, how is "whats her name" taking all this? Joy.
Whatever.
Well, she's she's acting strangely, actually.
How so? Is she upset about the prospect of being a grandmother? No, just the opposite.
She's happy all the time.
She's constantly eating And won't stop talking.
Always eating and can't stop talking.
Oprah made a career out of that.
No, but seriously, that is strange.
No, that's not strange at all.
How do you know that? In india, I was a clinical psychologist Specializing in overeaters.
Which, in India, is not much of a problem.
But it sounds to me as if she is masking a feeling of great depression with manic behavior and food.
She is literally stuffing her emotions.
Really? Yes.
And there are 3 possible outcomes.
She'll crash and fall into a deep depression, Which will be no good, She'll get as big as a house, Which is also no good, Unless she slips on icy pavement, Which is always funny.
Or someone close to her will take her hand And lead her away from the abyss.
I could do that.
Not you.
You are the one who got her pregnant.
She had a baby, now her baby's grown up And is having a baby And it's all your fault.
She needs to talk to someone she can relate to.
He's right.
Why don't you call her mother? Yes, that racist bitch might be helpful in this situation.
No, I don't know about that.
Joy and her mom, they don't see eye to eye.
I don't know how that can help.
Oh, simple.
You see, your wife is hiding her true feelings And there is 1 person in this world you cannot hide from.
Your mother.
Well, you can if you grow a beard And change your name to "whitey.
" Wow, my old crib.
I remember hanging out in here.
Yeah it's great.
But we're not actually gonna use it, are we? Why not? It's cute.
Yeah, but it represents the past, Allie.
Our baby is the future.
Just think.
He might or she.
Or she might one day lead humanity Out of the global apocalypse that we know is coming.
So, I mean, are we really gonna put him in Or her.
Ok.
Oror her In this rickety old crib With a used mattress? You're right.
Our baby deserves to sleep On an orthopedic mattress filled with down, Staring up at a mobile of the universe.
Yeah! Yeah, which he or shemay rule one day With hisor her almighty power.
Yeah.
Hey, Doug! You think we're getting a little carried away here? No way, Allie.
Our baby is gonna be the best baby That's ever been born.
You're right.
Which means we've gotta be the best parents ever.
Already on it.
Did you know that I stopped smoking pot? Oh, Doug, that's great! Since when? In 15 minutes, It'll be 16 minutes.
Well.
I got it, honey.
I'm here.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.
Where's my little nana-to-be? Oh, she's probably in the kitchen basting a turkey.
Hey, what's all this? What are you trying to do? Trap kirstie alley? This is what I'm saying.
She's been baking compulsively And she's like this crazy happy.
Oh.
That's not a good sign.
Only the swiss are naturally happy.
That's because there are only white people there.
Oh, my God! I love baking.
There she is.
My little nana.
Come over here.
Oh, I am so glad to see you.
You heard about the baby? I did.
God, I have so many questions to ask you Because I I don't wanna make The same mistakes that you made.
Or the same mistakes that I made, for that matter.
This baby is gonna be raised new school.
Hey, what kind of music did you listen to when you were pregnant with me? With Allie, it was eighties all the time.
Eighties, eighties.
The job of the grandmother is so important, too, you know? I mean, the mother's job is to say "no," And the grandmother's job is to say "yes.
" You know, I was telling Eddie earlier that if you put a cabbage leaf into your bra, it keeps your nipples from chafing.
Did you know that? No.
Yeah.
It's true.
It's true.
Yeah.
It's true.
And if you put a corned beef in your pocket, You're the most popular girl at school On st.
Patrick's day.
I'm gonna be a funny grandma.
You gotta help me.
Everything looks great, Allie, assuming you're into that kind of thing.
Personally, I find the whole reproductive process a little nauseating.
So, why are you an obstetrician? Eh, there's not that many opening for a proctologist.
As a matter of fact, there's only one.
Come on, give a little.
One? All right.
So, you wanna talk about the kid? Or you want me to do another 5 minutes of shtick? I got an airplane bit that kills.
Kills.
No, no, I think we should We should talk about the baby.
Eh, suit yourself.
What do you wanna know? Uh, what should we be doing? Well, first of all, I would go out and earn as much money as I can.
These kids cost a fortune.
I'm telling you.
What about me? You? I would lighten up on the cigarettes, Stay away from hard liquor, Stick to beer and wine for now.
I'm kidding.
Hello? Listen, kids, I've been delivering babies for 40 years.
I know what I'm doing.
Stay out of mother nature's way.
Let the process evolve.
Look, here's this pamphlet I've got.
It's called, "baby, you're the greatest.
" Read that.
This says, "life without a prostate.
" Oh, give me that.
That's mine.
I was looking for that.
Here it is.
Well, what about exercise? Personally, I don't believe in it.
Hey, you could exercise 24/7 and you're still gonna end up dying a miserable, horrle death.
My friend here, Marathon runner.
I think she meant should she be exerci.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Can you still do it? Hey, go crazy.
It ain't like you're gonna knock her up.
Nothing.
I get nothing from you two.
Listen, we'd also like to have a natural childbirth.
"We?" And how many people are you gonna fire out of your ass? No, it's just that we don't really believe in using drugs.
This guy doesn't believe in drugs? Look at this guy.
He looks like he was thrown out of a grateful dead concert For being too high.
Well, Isee, sir, I recently gave up smoking dope.
Oh, really? How long ago? Earlier today.
Well, I'm very proud of you.
Look, why don't you go stare at the drapes While I gotta talk to Allie.
Allie, do you realize what's gonna happen to you? Let melet me paint a picture for you.
You know when the bowling ball Comes back through that return chute? This time, you're the chute.
But the difference is, The ball is gonna be screaming and so are you.
And you know what you're gonna be screaming? "Give me some drugs! "I hate my life!" See you in a month.
Let me know if you have any bleeding.
Thank you.
Thank Thank you.
I'm thrilled you're so excited About becoming a grandmother.
When I found out I was gonna be a grandmother, I actually had to be institutionalized.
I thought you went to the bahamas? The hospital's in the bahamas.
All the iv drips come with little umbrellas.
I mean the whole thing is fantastic.
I can't wait.
I love your attitude.
Joy, listen.
This is just you and me now.
Ok, honey? So, we can talk like you and me.
Isn't there something you want to get off your chest? What would make you say that? Well, the thing that bugged me when I knew I was gonna be a grandmother was once they slap that label on you, there's no coming back.
I mean, it's like being a gay man.
Once you cross the line, Once you stick your I got it! It doesn't bother me, mom.
That's good.
That's good.
And you know what the best thing is About becoming a grandmother? Now you can relax And you can let yourself go.
That's just what I was telling Eddie.
So what if I put on a few pounds, right? Yeah, so what if you put on a few pounds? You get the wings, you get the gobble, gobble, gobble.
You get the side bazooms under your pits.
and one day, you look in the mirror and you realize you're me.
What? I don't want to be a grandmother! Oh, no! Oh, Joy! Come to mama.
Come to mama.
Oh, sweetheart, I missed you.
Where have you been? Oh, my baby! Oh, my ba what are you doing? I'm scared to death, mom.
I know.
I'm not a grandmother.
I know you're not.
Look at me! You look beautiful.
I mean, I'm hot.
Yes, you are.
You are hot.
No, I'm hot.
I need air.
I'm.
We all go through that and then it goes.
It's over.
You mean, it's gonna get better? Yes, it's gonna get better.
I promise you.
It's not gonna bother me That I'm gonna be a grandmother? No, honey, it's not gonna bother you to Just like it doesn't bother you That you're gonna be a great-grandmother.
What did you call me? A great-grandmother.
That's what you're gonna be.
I'm gonna be a great grandmother? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Mom, no! No! Step away from there! Put it down! No! Mom, put it down! Put it down.
No, no, no.
No, no.
It's ok, it's ok.
No, no.
It's not ok.
Hey, guys.
Hey! It's her fault! I didn't do it.
What did I do? You turned me into a great-grandmother, You little slut! Well, I don't know what you're so angry about.
I'm just gonna be a mother like you guys.
No, no, no.
There's a big difference between being a mother and being a grandmher.
because being a mother implies that you're young and fresh and fertile.
And being a grandmother means you're a dried up old hag.
And being a great-grandmother just means you wish you were just a dried up old hag.
Oh, God! What are you crying about? I'm crying because none of you were happy that I was born.
And now, you're not happy that I'm pregnant.
No.
Hey, ladies! Get out! Hey, it's gonna be ok.
All right, babe? No matter what, I'll always be here for you.
I will never leave, ok? Get out, Doug! What do you want? We came to apologize.
Which is something that does not come naturally, By the way.
We were wrong.
That's right.
I mean, I wasn't as wrong as your mother, But I do take some small share of the blame.
What the hell? Oh! Listen.
Baby, you gotta understand.
We were freaking out.
I mean, this pregnancy Is obviously a big deal for you, But you gotta understand.
It's a big deal for us, too.
I mean, one little roll in the hay And you're making me a grandmother.
And I'm gonna be a great-grandmother.
How did you make this happen? Well, we didn't plan on it, But those eco-friendly frog-belly condoms we were using Weren't as effective as we thought.
Even though they were ribbited for my pleasure.
Frog condoms? You can't trust the french with anything.
Well, I'm gonna need the two of you.
When it comes to this motherhood stuff, You're the only role models I have.
Well, we apologize in advance for that.
All right.
What's worrying you, babe? Well, everything.
I've never done this before.
I have this little alien growing inside of me And I'm gonna have boobs for the first time.
Oh, those, you're gonna love.
Right? You are.
You'll never lose a popcorn kernel again.
Last night, I took my bra off.
I found a peanut butter cookie and my keys.
It's like having a second purse.
It is! Well, ok, but then, there's gonna be this baby And it won't be able to talk, So, how will I know what to do with it? Oh, God! Believe me, I hear you.
It's very scary.
It is.
When you were born, The biggest concern that I had Was putting my finger through your soft spot.
Hell, I actually did put my finger through hers.
What?! It's a joke.
Ok.
No, it's not.
I just feel very alone.
No, baby! Allie, you're not alone.
No, you're not.
We are here.
And we're not going anywhere, ok? It takes a village to raise a child.
Or a great guatamalan nanny.
Mother! Ok, look.
I appreciate that, and I know that you're having your own little pretend dramas, for now, it's gotta be about me, me, me.
Ok, ok.
It's about you.
Ok.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right, you're right.
Come here.
I love you.
Kiss and love this mother.
I want a piece of that.
This kid.
This kid, I could squeeze it And hold it and love it forever.
I love it.
I love her, I love y.
it's gonna be another baby Hi.
Oh, my gosh! You're not eating.
Well, either pizza hut cut you off Or you're feeling better.
I'm feeling better.
Thanks for being so patient with me.
Hey, it's my pleasure.
And I never thought that I would say this ever, But, uh, thanks for calling my mom.
Hey, look.
She may hate every race on the planet, But she sure loves you.
Oh, that she does.
And you know what? I'm kinda looking forward To having a little grandbaby around the house, Even if it's half Doug's.
Oh, don't you love when they scrunch their little faces up.
They look like little old men.
Yeah.
Even the girls.
Oh, and the toes.
The toes, they're like little popcorn kernels.
You just wanna Yeah, saute 'em and just munch on 'em.
Well, I have to tell you, You are going to be a wonderful Go ahead.
Say it.
Grandma.
You're gonna be the best bubby ever, baby.
Thank you.
And I'm looking forward to being a grandpa.
Really.
Why? Well, because my whole life, I've been grumpy.
Ever since I was a kid.
But now, I feel like that I'm Actually coming into my personality.
You know? I mean, When you're a grandpa, you're not considered grumpy, But more like colorful.
I may even buy a funny hat or fart inappropriately.
Oh, the kid's gonna love that, huh? You scared? Terrified.
I'm proud of you, "g" mama.
I'm proud of you, "g" diddy.
You know, little gupta is right.
Why are you laughing? That's my nickname.
I love that you're paying attention.
Gup Gupta the garbage boy is right.
Yes? Yes.
No, too funny.