'Til Death s04e26 Episode Script

Smart Phone

Hello! Feldman, what are you doin'? Sexting.
You're texting.
No, sexting.
My girlfriend's sending me nasty text messages, And, I'm hittin' her back.
Give me that.
Hey! I wasn't able to do this kind of stuff till I was 40, And I had to buy a diamond.
All right, look.
Here's the point.
Everybody, enough with the electronic devices.
Turn 'em off.
And no more of this "star trek" crap.
Sir, that's my hearing aid.
This is an actual hearing aid? I thought you were ignoring me this whole time.
What? Sorry.
You can put that back on.
Ok, everybody else, Enough with the gadgets.
Put 'em away.
But we need them.
Abraham lincoln went through His whole presidency without a beeper.
What's a beeper? Never mind.
Ok, I am now banning All electronic devices, including laptops.
But we use them in all of our other classes.
It's how we take notes.
Ok, hey.
Here's a wacky idea.
You wanna take notes, use a notebook.
But you said no laptops.
That's correct.
A notebook is a laptop.
Shut up.
Don't you see what's happening, people? The machines are getting smarter, And we're getting dumber.
Do you think any of these devices Are gonna tell you when custer's last stand was? That's right.
"Peter Pan"? Really? It's a classic.
When I ran the theater department, We only did shakespeare.
Yeah, well, I run the theater department now, Mr.
I still can't believe that you cast A 300-pound girl to play peter pan.
And I can't believe her father paid for the pulleys.
I'll tell you one thing.
When she goes up, There will be applause.
Well, that's my point, Whitey.
Don't you see? Without their cell phones, these kids know nothing.
They don't learn anything, Because they don't have to learn anything.
You're just being old-fashioned, Eddie.
You gotta get with the times.
Ah, please.
Hey, honey.
Hi, love of my life.
How are you? Whitey.
Hi, Joy! Did you do something new with your hair? No.
You should.
I'm sorry.
It's just a joke I got off an app called ifunny.
Whitey, I wouldn't figure you to be a phone guy.
Yeah, I used to be a luddite, But I'll tell you, this little crackberry here I'm in' you, Whitey, my life.
That thing, it's the devil.
It's no good.
Ah, I used to think like you, Eddie.
But there absolutely is nothing You cannot do with one of these babies.
Do you wanna know what the current temperature is In nome, alaska? No.
Why would I? without the wind chill.
And how does that help me? Because information is power, And with this, I'm like zeus.
So how do you like your cell phone? I like it fine.
It does everything I need it to do.
I can make calls.
I can receive calls.
I can screen calls.
Has a cute little calculator.
That's ancient technology, Joy.
You know what I'm doin' right here on my phone? Hmm? Farming.
You're farming? Yes, I am.
I am harvesting my wheat, And later, I am going to fix my virtual fences And milk my virtual cows.
Why? Because their teats will become Engorged with milk if I don't.
You, of all people, should know that.
Ok, hang on.
Crows are eating my corn.
You know, they do say those things are pretty fantastic.
Look, don't get sucked in, Joy.
Once we let the machines start controlling us, Well, they Am I only one who saw "Terminator"? Oh, calm down.
You're overreacting.
Oh, look! Duffy just gifted me a gerbil.
Now, here do I put it? You see what I'm saying? Even Whitey is being taken over by the machines.
And you know what's gonna happen? The machinesre gonna start harvesting us for energy.
And what do we become, hmm? Batteries.
Gotta go check on my actress.
When you have a 300-pound star, Gives chewing the scenery a whole new meaning.
It's my fault, though.
I put oatmeal in the papier-machié.
Look at this, Eddie.
Do you see a woman standing on her head Or a yucca tree? Which do you see? Are you almost done on the computer, Doug? In a minute.
Well, wouldn't you like to get your hands Off the keyboard and onto something more fun? I'm making my sexy face.
I'm making goo-gooyes.
That's awesome.
You don't find me attractive anymore Now that I'm pregnant, do you? Oh, sugar pie, Captain crunch, You know that I love you.
I'm just I'm in the middle of something right now.
I don't get it.
I thought you hated technology.
Well, II do in the hands of evil men, But it can be used for good, too, Ally.
Ok, honey.
Well, I am just gonna be over here Doing my dance of seduction.
Ally, stopstop doing Gah, you know what that does to me.
I don't care.
I'm doin' it.
I'm doin' it.
God, that's hot! You dirty girl.
Freeze, bitch! What is wrong with you? You don't do that to someone in a public school It's not real.
Look, I understand that you banned all electronic devices.
That's correct.
I find them to be a nuisance and a distraction.
I hate 'em almost as much as I hate Well, you know.
Wouldn't it be great if I cared? Listen.
Those devices are for learning.
Where previously you were a tool for learning, Now you're just a tool.
Well, I have jurisdiction Over my own classroom.
Wrong, wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Children must have access to their cell phones.
Either the machines stay, or you go.
Hey, my cannon.
My cannon.
Thank you.
What a woman.
What a man.
You have no idea.
Look, Eddie, I decided to drag you Kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
I went to the store last night.
I was gonna look for the new model of my phone.
And they happened to be offering a 2-for-1 sale.
Oh, Whitey, you shouldn't have.
Oh, come on.
I wanted to.
No, I really mean you shouldn't have.
I hate these things.
Eddie, you don't have to be a prisoner to the phone.
It's just another way for you and I to stay in touch.
We can text each other all day long.
I mean, the only time I'll be out of touch is Is really between That's when I'm usually handcuffed to a shower rod.
It's great for the back.
Yeah, all right.
But it's all activated In your name, ready to go.
You know, that'sok, that's very sweet of you.
Thank you.
What do I owe you? Nothing.
Just a smile.
The phone's free, my friend.
All right.
Well, I have to warn you, I'm not one of these technology guys, so I Open it up.
Slide it a little bit.
How? How are you sliding it? There.
See? There's gonna be a keyboard.
There you go.
All right.
Oh! Hear that? What? What does that mean? I think somebody has texted you a message.
Well, thank you, Whitey.
You look good today too.
Yeah, but see, you don't tell me that.
You text me that.
I all right, so how do I do that? It's so simple.
See the keyboard? Yeah.
You type in whever you're gonna type in.
It's so small.
Mymy thumbs are Use your little fingers.
Anything with a point.
People ok.
Ok, and then? All right, then over here, hit that.
And then press send.
That's it.
Oh! Excuse me.
Someone's texting me.
That's me.
I just texted you from this right here.
I can't that is so fast.
Is that fun? I can't believe how fast.
Let's go again.
Ok, let's do another one.
All right.
Ok, but I don't want you to see what I'm doing, So I'm gonna I'm gonnaok.
Well, she doesn't, but I wish she would.
What time is it? Well, in london, it is 9 a.
In rome, it is 10 a.
And in honolulu, it's also 10:00, but last night.
Huh? This is an unbelievable phone.
You know what? I'm gonna text Whitey and thank him again.
Come on, Eddie.
Turn it off! We have to be up at 7:00.
Ok, then I will set the alarm.
What the hell? It's a car-alarm alarm.
And you know how you always said you wanted to go to France? Ok, that's enough, Eddie.
Go to sleep.
Whitey just hit me, And apparently duffy just hit him.
All right.
It's dark in here.
Who the hell is Appollonia? Mom, I gotta talk to you.
All right.
Come on! What's up? I think Doug is cheating on me.
God, come on! No, I'm serious.
I found messages on the computer From some woman named Appollonia.
Well, have you actually seen this woman? No, but I've seen her avatar.
Take a look.
I know.
She's 8 feet tall With giant boobs and a tiny waist and wings.
I can't compete with a tramp with wings.
What am I gonna do? I don't know, Allison.
This doesn't sound like Doug.
I know, and that's what scares me.
I mean, what if what if it's hidden Doug or secret Doug? Or kinky Doug? You think he's actually meeting up with her? No.
I do think that his cartoon Is meeting up with her cartoon, And what if they're having cartoon sex? What other kind of sex is there, Ally? I'm serious.
What should I do about this? Ok, we haven't had the men online discussion, have we? No.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Listen, to women, This is a computer.
To men, it's a cyber peep show.
I'm telling you.
Type in anything "hardwood floors," "pancake breakfast," "open-face sandwich" Everything leads to porn.
Y-you know how we go online and maybe we find A pair of shoes that we can't afford or fit into? Men do the same thing with women.
Oh, women they can't afford or Fit into? Fit into.
Well, what am I gonna do? Sweetie, I think you just have a conversation with him.
Just confront him, you know.
There's gotta be an explanation.
Well, what do I do if I find out that he really is cheating? Well, you don't do anything.
Your father and I will kill him.
That makes me feel better.
Come here, baby.
Hi, honey.
What are you doing? Oh, exchanging recipes with Eddie.
Yeah, I got him one of these new smartphones, And we've been communicating that way.
He just loves it.
You got a free phone, And you gave it to Eddie Stark, The one person I am committed to destroying? Well, he's my friend, and I wanted to make him happy.
Happy? Oh, look at this! Look.
He sent another one.
He says l-o-l.
That means "laugh out loud.
" And so I'm gonna send back to him r-o-f-l.
That means "rolling on the floor laughing.
" It's ait's a heightened elevation of laughing.
It's a more intense laughing.
Is this new level of my communication with Eddie Making you angry? Yes.
Enough to punish me? I see.
Oh, I see! You're trying to trick me into punishing you.
Oh, you can see right through me.
Well, you know what I'm gonna do? No.
I'm gonna punish you By not punishing you.
You made Eddie Stark happy.
So why don't you just get Eddie Stark To bend you over his knee so he can spank you, So you can just cry like a naughty little schoolgirl? Yeah, well, I don't want Eddie to do it.
I want you to.
Well, I'm not gonna.
You know, no ball gag for you tonight, lucy.
Dear diary, No ball gag on Thursday.
You know, Whitey may be the most annoying man on the planet, But if he can teach you to cook like that, Oh, my.
That was delicious.
You know, the extra-virgin olive oil Was actually Whitey's idea.
How can you be an extra virgin? That's just showing off.
That's funny, honey.
Oh, it was so good, Especially after the day I had.
What's the matter? What happened? Well, peter pan's pulleys snapped, And now 3 of the lost boys are lost.
Well, I think I have an idea of where they might be.
You know Yes? Dinner was so good, That I was thinking of treating you to a little dessert.
Really? Well, that would be great.
Come here, you.
Ok, that's enough.
Whatwhat what? What were you looking at? What are you talkiI wasn't looking at any Look, you know I have a lazy eye.
Oh, stop it.
Were you You were looking at your phone, weren't you? That's crazy.
Are you kidding me? No.
Eddie, it's under my pillow.
There it is.
Thank you.
I've been looking all over for that phone.
I'm like, "is it in the kitchen? Is it" You are so full of it.
What is more interesting on this phone than me? Nothing.
Huh? Nothing? Baseball.
Baseball? Look.
Let melet me show you something.
On this little device, I actually downloaded an app Where you can watch a ballgame At any time on this phone.
Not while you're in bed with me, you can't.
Yes, anywhere.
It works anywhere around the house.
Eddie, listen to me.
When we are in bed together, I need you to be focused on me.
All right.
And you're making my point, Because I don't know if you if you knew this, But during the act, you see, When the man thinks about baseball, He is actually able to prolong his time in the dugout, So itit's a win-win for every I learnedI learned that on an app called igasms.
Ok, you know what? Give me that phone.
No, I can't.
I'm getting rid of it.
No, listen to me.
I can't be without this phone.
All the information in the world is on here.
Did you know that the seeds on a strawberry Are the actual fruit and not the berry itself? It's not the berry itself.
I'm telling you it is all on this phone.
Say good-bye.
Give it to me.
Gi-gimme this.
Because I won't be able to know all that Interesting crap if you take it away.
I'm taking it away.
Come on.
You're acting like a wacko.
Give me the phone.
Come on.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone! Joy! My God, what is happening? I can't feel my legs.
What Listen.
DidYou Calm down.
Calmcalm down? Everything's gonna be fine.
It's not gonna be fine.
Yes, it is.
And I'm gonna tell you why.
Did youdid you It is like you pulled the air hose out of my mouth.
I'm drowning in a void here, Joy.
I am drowning in a factless void.
Did you flush my phone? I flushed your phone.
O-m-g! Who the hell is Appollonia? You wouldn't understand.
I wouldn't understand? Why wouldn't I understand, Doug? Because Appollonia is from another world.
What is she, a stripper? No.
No, she's an empress.
Wait! Are you trying to tell me that you're fooling around with an empress? No! I'm not fooling around with her, Ally.
I mean, although she she thinks I am.
But thethe truth is I'm planning to kill her.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about "global domination," The massively multiplayer online Role-playing game I'm into.
Check it out.
See, Appollonia is my archenemy, And I'm about to nuke her ass.
So Appollonia is not a real person? No.
I mean, yes, But she's probably some sad, pimply-faced teenage boy In ohio with, like, a paper route and a megadeth t-shirt.
And carpal tunnel, but Not from playin' the computer, if you know what I'm sayin'.
I think I do.
Let's nuke him.
You do it.
Oh, no.
I don't like Go ahead.
All you gotta do is push this button right here, And Appollonia and all of her followers die.
Here goes nothin'.
The power.
That's really hot, isn't it? Smokin'.
How was school? Terrible.
You took away my phone and threw me right back into the stone age.
There may be a slight chance That I overreacted a little When I flushed your phone down the toilet.
A ight chance, hmm? Yes, a slight chance.
There also may be a slight chance That I didn't really flush it, And it's right here.
Oh, God, thank There's a catch.
What? What? What's the catch? Here is the catch.
Oh, a phone bill.
Like that's They charge for ringtones? They charge for everything.
They're like hospitals or hookers.
All right.
I guess I'll just go back to my old, cheap phone.
Well, that's an excellent decision.
Only, it's too late.
Why? Because your friend Whitey Signed you up for a 2-year contract.
That's how he got the free phone.
And there's early-termination fees.
Well, how much is that? Put it this way.
It would be cheaper For you to divorce me than to try to get rid of this thing.
Yeah, but then I could afford the phone.
All right.
All right, listen.
I'm justI'm just thinking out loud here.
So I get to keep the phone? Yeah, you get to keep it.
All right.
But you can't use it.
It'll be like your old betamax porn collection.
All right, well, so what? I don't have to know the temperature in barcelona or Don't have to watch live baseball or Know any obscure facts.
What about your need to be in touch With Whitey What if I give up cereal? Let me ask you a question.
If Whitey and I were in a burning building And you could only save one of us, Who would you save? Ok, we, let's be clear.
So the one I don't save actually dies, And I never have to see her again? Give me that thing.
Honey I am flushing this thing.
You! You! I would save you! You're dead.
What is wrong with you? You don't do that to someone in a public school.
Oh! But it wasn't real.
I was like, "I gotta spin it.
Then put it in my fake holster.
" Spin it first.
That's ok.
All right.
And this is making a lot of noise, isn't it? Yep.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode