'Til Death s04e27 Episode Script

Big Man, Little Man

And I win again, Eddie.
I tell you what, I'll let you win every time, You keep inviting me to your swanky club here, Tommy.
Oh, any time, Eddie.
And, actually, I wanted to get out of the house.
Oh, yeah? What, are you having trouble With the young, hot wife? Yeah, there's something wrong with her.
It's like, uh, she's broken.
Like one of her toys.
What do you mean? Well, a couple of weeks ago, She started talking, And I thought it was just a phase she was going through.
But then, she wouldn't stop.
And the worst part about it Is she wants me to listen.
And she's not even wearing lingerie when she does it.
Well, what does she want to talk about? All I know is, it's not about me.
And giant words like "connection," "emotion," "I feel.
" It's like, I don't know, My wife is starting to act like, uh A wife? Yeah.
It's disquieting.
I had a wife once, and I had it removed.
Can't you see what's happening? Your little girl is becoming a woman, With her own needs and wants.
All I want is what I paid for: A hottie with an iron stomach Who fulfills every one of my sick, twisted desires.
Is that too much to ask? Well, I What? Well, when you fly, Do you have to buy an extra ticket for that thing? No, I just hold it in my lap During takeoffs and landings.
So, you gonna join me in the shower? No, no.
Gogo ahead.
Suit yourself.
The thing was enormous And it was terrifying.
I mean, he shouldhe should just put it in a cage and feed it mice.
It should be hanging in the window of the carnegie deli.
If you put arms on the thing, It could have been bill walton's stunt double.
And here's the thing.
Listen, it was still in the sleep mode.
It wasn't even angry yet.
Ok, I got it.
It was big.
Yeah, and that was even after his rabbi took his 10%.
All right.
It was huge.
And it was uncalled for.
And it's left me very shaken, Because all I can keep thinking about is my little pea shooter.
Oh, stop it, Eddie.
You're fine.
Come on.
It gets the job done.
"gets the job done?" Yeah.
That's like saying, "you're the tallest dwarf.
" Stop it.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Nothing wrong.
Come on.
I'm built like an asian child.
No, you're not.
I mean, look, It's all about proportions anyway.
I mean, if your thingy was on, I don't know, Your friend Whitey, it would be almost average.
"almost average.
" Ok, average.
I don't know.
Listen, I've learned to live with it.
So can you.
Hey, listen, you two.
I have here a picture of your baby.
Oh, is that a printout of the sonogram? No, I did a sketch of what I think the baby might look like.
Of course it's a printout of the sonogram.
Don't you want to see it? No, no, no.
That's why I didn't come into the room before.
Because I don't want to know the sex of the baby.
I want it to be a surprise.
All right.
Well then, wait outside.
Allie, can I ask you something? How did you hook up with this mook? What'd you do? Lose a bet? No, I love him.
I mean, he's a little odd and strange, But he's really sweet And he has a really big heart.
Well, apparently, your son takes after him as far as "big" goes.
But it's not his heart I'm talking about.
Check that out.
Holy moly.
Hey, how was the doctor's appointment? It was great.
The baby's healthy.
You know, Nose in the right place.
Oh, that's amazing! Did you find out the sex? Yeah, but Doug doesn't wanna know.
But I don't give a damn about Doug.
Is it a boy or a girl? Mom, I can't tell you Because if you know, you're gonna tell dad, And then, if we all know and Doug doesn't, Well, that's not fair.
Allie! It's a boy.
It's a boy! Come here.
Oh, it's a little boy.
Oh, it's exciting news.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? But it's also a little worrying.
Why? Well, I don't know how to raise a boy.
I mean, all I know is girl stuff.
You know, little dresses and dolls.
Little pink bows.
So, raise a gay man.
It'll be easier.
We can all get mani-pedis together.
Doug and I could do that.
Well, heck.
I thought he was gay when I first met him.
The first couple of weeks we were going out I kept trying to fix him up with my friend paul.
Hey, listen.
He knocked you up.
I'm still not convinced he's straight.
But seriously, mom.
How do you raise a boy? I don't know.
I mean, I always thought that, given the chance, I would raise a boy to be the kind of man That every woman would want.
But strong.
But able to fix a toilet.
You're gonna raise the most amazing guy In the history of amazing guys.
The world's first ever gay straight guy.
I'm so excited.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, wait.
Is that the ultrasound? Yeah, it is.
Take a look.
This kid could be a major league pitcher.
Look at the arm on him.
Oh, that's not his arm.
Holy canoli.
What's up, little buddy.
Why? What have you heard? Oh, just that there's fresh crullers in the teacher's lounge.
I thought you'd wanna know before the piggies get to 'em.
Yeah, ok.
Nono, thank you.
Oh, ok.
What's wrong? You seem a little down.
Why do you have to use the word "little"? What is it with everybody and their obsession with size? What, do you think, just because something is bigger, It's necessarily better? Wouldn't you be happier with a With a fuel efficient compact car, huh? No, actually.
I'd rather have a big, powerful car.
Something with a lot of horses That can dominate the road And tear through traffic like a missile.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
But I don't even know what we're talking about.
All right.
Why do youlet me ask you something.
Do you think women really mean it When they say that size doesn't matter? No.
Would you like to maybe Think about the question for a second? No.
No, that's just a lie That women tell to guys who haven't been blessed by the love God.
No, size really matters.
It's like in "jaws.
" Remember when roy scheider said, "we need a bigger boat"? Well, he was telling the truth.
They needed a bigger boat.
How about you, Whitey, huh? Do you need a bigger boat? Ha! No, I need pearl harbor.
I have got an aircraft carrier, Eddie.
I tell you, other people worry about crabs.
I worry about barnacles.
I don't get into bed, I drop anchor.
When I say Ok, all right.
I, uhbut you're pulling my leg, right? Well, it's similar, but mine doesn't wear a shoe.
It's funny, you know, I never thought that about you.
I know.
No one does.
But sometimes, big surprises come in small packages.
Sometimes, small surprises rattle around in big, giant boxes.
Oh, Eddie.
Are you telling me that Uh, I'm afraid so.
Oh, hug.
All right.
Oh, that reminds me.
I need to pick up some triple "a" batteries.
All right.
Very funny.
All right.
Just kidding you, ok.
Look, what does it really matter anyway, huh? I'm sure you do just fine.
Hey, you caught a fish with the bait you had.
Well, that's true.
And Joy does say that she's pretty darn satisfied.
Well, yeah.
There you go.
You know, and there's a very real chance That she's telling the truth.
Plus, you know, people look at you And they assume that you're blessed like a stallion.
More like a scallion.
Well, Eddie, I think all you really need Is just a change of attitude.
Think big.
Stand tall.
Walk proud.
You know, bluff.
Limp a little if you have to.
Hey, you know what? Maybe you're right.
What people don't know won't hurt me.
That's exactly it.
Hey, Whitey, one other thing.
This is This is just between us, right? Absolutely.
This is our "little" secret.
Oh, right.
"little," yeah.
I get it.
Come in! Well.
Hello, neighbors.
Hi, Tommy.
I'm up here.
I realize that.
Eh, one more second.
Ok, done.
So, where's Eddie? Eddie's not here.
Well, that's good.
I wanted to talk to you, anyway.
Really? So What you making? Oh, I'm just, egg salad.
I'm up here.
I see Eddie's told you about my trouser cannon.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I can see it in your wide, frightened eyes.
How can I help you, Tommy? Well, my wife's been talking And I just want her to stop.
I want her to go back to being The quiet plaything that I married.
So, uh, how much do you think this is going to cost me? Have you ever considered that it's not about the money? That's an interesting concept.
Let me consider it.
It's all about the money.
You know, I don't know how this could possibly be true, But perhaps she wants to connect with you On a deeper level.
Well, we connect every evening at 7:30 P.
We play raise the titanic.
Then we sink it.
I figure what doesn't kill her Just makes her stronger.
She's got the pain threshold of a mule.
Sometimes I tell her, "tap out, baby.
Tap out.
" God, I wish I could tap out right now.
Listen, I am desperate to end this conversation.
I'm starting to hyperventilate And the world's a little hazy.
I'm sure April knows the feeling.
Listen, let me just cut to the chase on this, Tommy, ok? She doesn't want your money.
She wants your attention.
She wants a grown-up, loving relationship.
One that doesn't involve a safe word.
You mean like "gerbil"? Ok, let's go.
Come on.
Go home, Tommy.
Tell April that you love her.
Just before you put her down for her nap.
Ok, but I still think it's about the money.
Speaking of way No, no, no.
I don't want your money, Tommy.
And April doesn't, either.
She justshe wants the same things that every woman wants.
Got it.
A blind fold and dramamine.
I've told you everything I know.
Well, we're going to keep playing gitmo Until I get the answers I want.
What is Eddie Stark's secret? Eddie's my friend.
I can't betray his trust.
I promised him I wouldn't.
You'll talk.
When I'm done with you, You'll be chattering like a school girl In the theater lobby after watching "twilight.
" Now, what is Eddie Stark's secret? No.
Never, mistress.
If you don't tell me, I'll drop you in a tub of milk And teach you what "lactose intolerant" really means.
She's bluffing.
She's bluffing, Whitey.
Don't tell.
Don't tell her.
Stay strong.
All right, all right.
It's tiny.
He's got an innie.
It's a cocktail frank.
It's a toe with no nail.
It's a uvula.
I knew it! Now I'm going to tell everyone.
You hear me? Everyone! Joy! Joy.
I had such a terrible dream, honey.
What? What's the matter? I had a dream.
Oh, Joy, I had a terrible dream.
Terrible dream! Come on.
Relax, Eddie.
You had a nightmare.
It happens to everyone.
Hey, how you doing, Whitey? Hey, "mi compadre.
" How's it hanging? Fine.
And so, how was your evening? Hopefully, uneventful? Actually, just the opposite.
I got the rope burns to prove it.
Oh? You were with duffy last night? Oh, "with" is a little too gentle a word.
Uore like "ruined by," "catastrophized," "reamatated.
" I see.
Well, I'm assuming that my name didn't come up, right? Well, not that I recall, But since I have a concussion, I'm not really a very reliable source.
What is Mrs.
Rooney yakking about over there? I have no idea.
I was this close to peeing my pants.
Oh, God! It's hilarious.
I really miss dom deluise.
Well, they sure do find something funny.
Baby gherkin? What? You look like a man who would enjoy a little pickle Unless you've already got a little pickle.
Have you got a little pickle, Eddie? Get away from me, Raj, will you? What's the matter, Eddie? You seem a little jumpy.
Nah, it's just I didn't get enough sleep last night.
That's all.
Listen up, everybody.
I have a teeny, weenie announcement.
The results are in from our academic decathlon, And I am proud to announce That dick little came in second place Right behind peter short.
All right, all right.
Stop mocking me.
What's that, Mr.
Stark? People cannot control what they're born with.
We don't laugh at little people Or freckle-faced redheads.
Or foreigners with funny names.
What gives you the right to poke fun at me? What are you saying, Mr.
Stark? You know exactly what I'm saying.
Ok, so what? So, I'm not very well-endowed? So, I'm packed for carry on? Who cares? I'm still a person, And I still have feelings.
Eddie, what the hell are you doing? Don't act so innocent, Mr.
Aircraft carrier.
It's obvious that you told duffy everything And it is clear that she has told everyone.
Everyone! Well, you know what? I am proud of who I am.
That's right.
Say hello to my little friend! Say hello! Little friend.
Eddie, I did not say a word.
I couldn't.
I had a big rubber ball in my mouth all night long.
Yeah, remarkable as it may seem, Mr.
Stark, We hardly spend any time talking about your thingy.
Or lack thereof.
You didn't tell her? No, I didn't.
It was our little secret, And I would have carried it to the grave.
But now he doesn't have to Because your little secret's out.
Not very far out, but out.
Hey, babe.
How was work? Well, It's a long story, but just consider yourself lucky That you weren't in the teachers lounge today When I revealed to the world That my yankee doodle wasn't dandy.
What? Babe, no.
Why are you so obsessed with this? You're fine.
And dandy.
You're perfect.
You're the love of my life.
I can't imagine myself with anyone else.
Even with my shortcomings? You don't have any shortcomings.
Your hand is made for my glove.
Your smart car was built for my garage.
Hey! I have something that is going to make you feel better.
Yeah? I hope you're ready.
What's that? It's your grandson.
Really? Why does he have a tail? That is no tail, my friend.
Hominah, hominah.
Joy, this is great news.
The Stark curse has been broken.
You are redeemed by your grandson.
What? What? What did you just say? Ahem.
Did you just say "grandson"? No, I didn't.
No, she said "grand fun," As in, "won't it be fun to have a grandson.
" Are we having a baby boy? Yeah, honey.
A beautiful baby boy.
That's fantastic.
Aw, you're not mad that you know? No! Why would I be mad? This isthis is great news.
Hey, you wanna see the picture? Yeah.
Goes that way.
Thank you.
Well, I see he takes after his father In the lady-pleasing department.
And the hits just keep on coming.
You don't follow a guy to ecuador Just because he's funny.
Come on.
Let's go put his picture on our website.
Oh, ok.
See you guys later.
All right.
Yeah, they don't have a house But they have a website.
Come in.
Hi, neighbors.
Hey, how you doing? What's new, Tommy? Aw, just April's ring.
Show 'em, honey.
Bling bling.
Hey, it turns out it was all about the money.
That's right.
I didn't want an emotional connection.
I just wanted a really huge diamond.
Ain't love grand? More like 50 grand.
Well, if you'll excuse us, We're gonna take the top down And go for a ride.
Didn't know you had a convertible.
We don't.
He's got everything.
He's got her, The money.
If that thing of his didn't weigh him down so much, He'd be my height.
I wanna be shorter.
Hey, you know what? I'd follow you to ecuador Just 'cause you're funny.
You would? Yes, I would.
Well, let's go to ecuador.
I just Is that a quarter on the floor? I don't know.
Let me move vlad the impaler out of the way So I can see.
Well, I'll I would like to come and walk down.
Yeah, I could I think I could do false anger differently.

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