'Til Death s04e28 Episode Script

'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
What are you doing? You have cheeto dust in your hair and on the waistband of your sweatpants.
What is going on? It's complicated.
Your brother and his new boyfriend Are gonna be here any second.
We wanna make a good impression.
Honey, look.
You know I love my brother.
But it's gonna be a weekend filled With antiquing, musicals And expensive salads with grapefruit on 'em.
Let me just be a guy until the doorbell rings.
Fine.
I'm so excited that they're coming.
Charlie made a reservation at a wine bar tonight.
Yeah, all I'm hearing is no peanuts, no pinball, and no handsy cougars.
How dare they call themselves a bar.
Oh, that's them! Turn that off.
You, come here.
How are you? Oh, hello, pal.
Nice of you to get dressed for me.
What? What? These are my best sweats.
Yeah, very nice, very nice.
I'm flattered.
Everybody, this is Terence.
Terence, this is my brother Eddie, his lovely wife Joy.
My pleasure.
Nice to meet you.
I'veI've heard a lot about you both.
Well, likewise.
You look good, Charlie.
It's all smoke and mirrors And a very aggressive man girdle.
Listen, I'm sorry we're late.
There was construction on 95, And then we had to take a detour, And this one inuists on driving And refuses to ask for directions.
Won't even listen to the g.
P.
S.
Lady.
All I need is a map and the big dipper, And I can get us anywhere.
I use the dipper, too.
Oh, great! Great.
You're both geniuses.
Anyway, I come bearing gifts.
There you are.
Thank you, Charlie.
And you.
Thank you.
Oh, honey, I think I got yours.
No, no, no.
Those are for you.
They're mint green for your eagles games As you hold up your mugs of beer.
What do you think? Is there a gift receipt? Yeah, it's in the bag.
I love 'em.
I told him.
Yeah.
Wow, that is one great sweatshirt.
Where did you get that? Oh, I work for the n.
B.
A.
I get 'em for free.
I can send you one if you want.
Really? Well I would love that.
Thank you.
You know, the knicks are playing the 76ers right now.
We were listening to it in the car.
And I was watching it on tv And then she made me turn it off.
He made me turn it off.
Well, let's turn it back on.
Eddie.
How can one group of men Beating another group of men in a sports game Possibly make a difference in your life? Yeah, but listening to les mis 1,000 times, That makes sense.
Oh! I wonder how it's going to end? So, who is psyched for that wine bar? I hear they have amazing tapas.
Oh, yeah.
In fact, I hear that they have These prosciutto-wrapped figs Infused with truffle oil.
Are those cheetos? So, where are you guys staying? El Cheapo, he made a reservation At a place called big 6.
Trust me.
It's not as fun as it sounds.
Are these, like, extra cheesy? You bet they are.
I take the orange powder from the old bag, Put it in the new one.
If I wasn't in love with your brother, And you weren't married and straight, You'd be in trouble right now, buddy.
Oh, right back at ya.
So, we should, we should probably go.
We don't want to miss our reservation.
You know what? Why don't you two go And Terence and I will stay here and watch the game.
Well, honey.
Don't you think we should all be together? Yeah, you know, you're right.
Why don't we order the pizzas and you grab the beers.
Or, since they don't want to watch the game anyway, They could get the pizza and the beer.
Welcome to the family.
Miller at half court with a chance to take the lead.
No! Don't shoot the 3.
Do not shoot thejust take the 2 poand tie it up.
You're not gonna make it.
You're not gonna make it.
Miller buries it! He made it! He made the 3! Great game, buddy.
Hey, great game to you.
Don't worry about it, T.
You're gonna get us next time.
Buried the 3.
Look at these two.
Acting like they just played the game.
They're sweating like they did.
No, that's the flaming onion rings.
Offensive, but delicious.
Okay, game's over.
We could, probably make last call.
Honey, last call? Double overtime.
It's almost 11:30 P.
M.
I mean, burp me and put me to bed.
No, no, no.
We were gonna have a drink.
I thought we were gonna see the town? Oh, the town will be there tomorrow.
Yep, and so will college football.
So, everybody get here at 11:00 A.
M.
No! No, what happened to antiquing? All right.
Get here at 10:30.
I'll walk you through our basement And show you a lot of old crappy things.
Night-night! My, all right.
And brunch is here.
Where's T? Who's T? You know, Terence.
Oh, he got a phone call from work.
So, he had to go back into the city For some sort of basketball emergency.
But he didn't even say good-bye.
Well, he sends his regrets and big mwah-mwahs.
But we were supposed to watch college football today.
Well, now you can join us.
We were gonna play some board games And then go antiquing.
That's like the opposite of college football.
And also, I was gonna introduce him to kenny.
From everything I've heard from Eddie, He sounds like a magical man.
Well, the man is magic.
I guess you're just stuck with me.
Who are you? Eh, just my brother Charlie.
Oh okay, It's my favorite beverage.
Wine.
Vodka.
Gin.
It comes from a fruit.
Pina colada.
I drink it for breakfast.
I said pina colada.
You squeeze it.
Oh! A forbidden word.
"Squeeze.
" She said "squeeze.
" A forbidden.
All right.
Okay.
Last week at that restaurant, Eddie was obsessed with this.
Our waitress' slammin' booty.
No.
No, he was.
He told me in the bathroom.
Couldn't stop talking about it.
Ok.
All right.
Your time is up.
That means we don't talk anymore.
Ok, it's our turn.
Ok.
All right.
You ready, Eddie? Oh, I am.
But first, do you have the time? Yes, I do.
It happens to be ass-kicking time! Ass-kicking time.
And go.
Okay.
All right.
This is something That I have in my vestibule.
A chair.
A bench.
No.
No, it's It's right above the credenza.
Ok, where the one that Terence gave me For our anniversary.
A credenza.
Is that gay for table? I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
Are you all right? No.
No, Terence and I broke up last night.
Oh, but II thought He had important n.
B.
A.
Basketball business.
Oh, please.
I made all that up.
Oh, we had a huge fight at the hotel.
Oh, my God, Charlie.
Are you okay? No.
Would it be weird for you if t and I still kept in touch? I need some tea.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Go talk to him.
I can't.
Why not? Look, I would like to help him, But I'm not good at that.
Why don't you go in there, talk to him, And when you're done, Reach into the cheese drawer and bring out whatever you find And I'll meet you in front of the fun box.
Eddie, he's your brother.
I know, and he's your brother-in-law.
That's the law.
And that's not me.
That's your own government talking.
Man, you guys want me to go in there and talk to him? I'm just gonna bounce, all right? Come on.
What are you so afraid of? Honey, I'm not afraid.
It justI can't fix this.
It's not about fixing it.
It's about listening.
It's about validating his feelings.
We've been together Have I ever once validated any one of your feelings? Remember when your grandma died and you were crying And I tried to play with your boobs? You're right.
You suck.
But you gotta learn how to do this some time, So get in there.
All right.
Fine.
I'll do it.
But you owe me.
Why? I don't know.
I want to talk to you about How you're feeling.
And I wanna do that now.
So, how you feeling? I mean about you and Terence And the relationship.
Look at you.
Aren't you sweet? All right.
All right, with me and Terence, It's very complicated.
I mean, you know, physically, it's fantastic.
You know when you're with somebody And your bodies just fit? So How you doing? Not so good.
I don't know what went wrong.
Hey, Charlie! It's ait's a relationship.
These things happen.
Don't get me wrong.
When we first met, It was fantastic.
You know, but after the chase was over, It was like he stopped caring.
I swear, he just spent Sitting on the couch, Aimlessly flipping through channels.
No, no, no He totally took me for granted.
He put no effort into how he looked.
Or what he was wearing.
Or what he ate.
He just sat on the couch.
Expected me to wait on him hand and foot.
Joy! Jelly! I have too much self-respect To be in a long-term relationship With somebody who stops caring And just refuses to change.
Sometimes, you must just wanna punch him In his big, fat face.
Hey, wow! You were down there a long time.
Is Charlie okay? He's all right.
All right.
Listen, I'm sorry I wasn't down there to help, But you know, you're so much better than I am at that And so Give me the skinny.
What happened? Well, you know, Charlie just realized That Terence is selfish and insensitive, Disconnected you know what, honey? This is only a 20-second timeout, So can you hit me with the highlights? He just stopped trying.
That's that.
Well, you know, maybe Charlie knows what he's doing.
I mean, we're on this earth for a very short time, And maybe he feels he can do better.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Am I in trouble? I was talking to your brother And I realized you're a whole lot like Terence.
Oh, honey, I am nothing like Terence.
How are you different from him? Well, plug my tv back in And I'll show you at halftime.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I know.
Good, 'cause it's still light out anyway And it's so You know, Charlie standing up for himself inspired me.
We're gonna make a few changes in this relationship.
Honey, now, look.
That doesn't make any sense.
I mean, we are almost at the finish line.
All we gotta do is lean forward a little bit And we can just snap that ribbon right now.
And the finish line, that's death? Yes.
The big "d.
" Babe, I don't want to be one of those couples That stops caring.
Why? Not caring is great.
That's what keeps marriages together.
I mean, if we cared too much, We would be out there looking for something better.
And trust me, we would find it.
And it would be pretty good.
Here's what we're gonna do.
From now on, we are going to sit at the table And connect over dinner.
Oh, and that stays off.
Well, you know, just so you know, Studies have shown that no tv in the bedroom Leads to more sex.
So, consider yourself warned.
Morning.
Morning.
How you doing today? Oh, so much better.
Glad to hear that.
I hear that, you and Joy Had quite the conversation last night.
Oh, yeah.
She's a wonderful listener.
Oh, is she? Because with me, she just did a whole lot of talking.
Really? About what? Oh, lots of things.
How everything I do is bad And nothing I ever do is good.
Wonder where she got that idea.
Oprah? No, you see, Oprah's on tv.
And I wasn't allowed to have my tv on in my bedroom last night Because of you.
Because of me? Mm-hmm.
You see, apparently I'm her Terence.
And you got her all riled up About how one day we might turn into you two.
Oh, jeez! I didn't mean to do that.
But now that I think about it, You and Terence do have a lot of similarities.
Well, you know what they say You marry your brother.
Charlie, you're gonna fix this.
You're gonna go up to Joy And you're gonna tell her that you were wrong, And you're gonna do it before dinner, Because if I have to talk to her And choke down her pot roast at the same time, I swear to God, someone's gonna die.
Listen, I'm doing you a favor.
I'm gonna help your marriage.
Being honest and open is the best policy.
Oh, really? Really? Being honest and open? You know what, that's a great idea, Charlie.
So I'm gonna be honest and open.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call grandma, And I'm gonna tell her you're gay.
Don't you dare.
Don't you dare! That woman is as homophobic as she is adorable.
You know what, I liked Terence the minute he walked through that door.
As a matter of fact, I'm starting to see his side of things.
You take that back, you hear me? You take that back.
No, no, not gonna take it back.
Not gonna take it back.
You want to know why? Because I think he's pretty great.
And I would be dating him myself if I was single.
And gay.
Which I'm not.
Well, you go ahead, you think whatever you want.
But I'm right about Terence, And Joy is right about you.
No, she's not.
As a matter of fact, you're both dead wrong.
Typical.
Always blaming the women.
You're a man! How are you enjoying the pot roast? It's perfect.
Joy, you have outdone yourself, And I appreciate the effort.
By the way, you look lovely tonight.
Well, thank you.
You do, too.
Thank you.
And I wasn't fishing.
What a shame Eddie couldn't join us.
Not from where I'm sitting.
You enjoying yourself over there? I'm having a blast.
Remind me to never eat in a chair again.
What's up, Stark family? What's going on here? Well, kenny, you can either join me on the couch, Or you can throw on an ascot And sit in a straight-back chair With lady chatterly and my wife.
You know, I was in the neighborhood, So I just figured I'd stop over, But your family's awkwardness Seems to be at an all-time high.
So I think, I'm just gonna bounce.
Hey, Terence! What are you doing here? Hey, Eddie! I'm here to apologize to Charlie.
I've been a big jerk.
Charles! Why? Wait, hold on, hold on.
Terence, Terence, he's not here.
Whatwhat's the matter? He's right.
I should pay him more attention.
I should give him more compliments.
I shouldI should put a little more energy Bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup bup.
Listen, listen, you have done nothing wrong.
Truly.
I mean, if anybody has to apologize, It's him, okay? So, let's get rid of these, Because nothing says "I'm weak" like flowers.
No, no, but he's right.
I have been distant and cold and uncaring.
Terence, you're awesome.
Come on, you just want to eat on the couch And watch a game in peace.
You're like a blond gay me.
And my brother is like a gay male Joy.
And if blond gay me apologizes to gay male Joy, Then real straight me has to apologize to real mad Joy, And then it's gonna It's not gonna be good, Skipper.
But I miss him so much.
I know, I know.
And you know what, Terence, he misses you, too.
And you guys, you're gonna work it out.
But you see, we have to We have to hold strong Because, you know, women respect strength, Especially my brother.
Terence.
What are you doing here? Charlie, I'll tell you what he's doing here.
He came here to tell you thatthat your behavior Is unacceptable, And your expectations of him are unreasonable.
And, yes, he would like to stay together with you, But in order for that to happen, You're gonna have to accept him just as he is.
Right? God, you look good.
Well played.
I'm sorry.
I was wrong, you were right.
I can change.
See, Eddie, not all men are like you.
I'm gonna make it up to you.
Oh, silly putty.
I can't stay mad at you.
Come on, choo-choo, let's go.
Silly putty? Hard to believe he used to kick my ass.
So, this is nice.
Yes, it is nice.
It's a great way for us to connect.
Yes, connecting is good.
Love the connecting.
So how was your day? Good.
Good.
After work I bought a rake.
Went to the hardware store to pick one out And couldn't find them.
Thought they were out of them.
They moved the display.
I found 'em.
And bought one.
Maybe after dinner, we'll, Go in the garage and look at it.
How was your day? It was good, yeah.
Work was fine.
I had a little bit of lunch with Susan.
And I had a tuna sandwich.
Wasn't really in the mood for tuna.
But I didn't know what else to order so I got it.
Cool.
Do you want to watch Yes! Okay.
All right.
Yeah? Yeah.
See, this is nice, too, right? You're gonna watch Top Chef? Yeah, I kinda want to.
All right.
You know what, I'm gonna hop upstairs And watch the game.
And then we'll meet up for the news.
Enjoy it! Okay, and if I fall asleep, I'll leave the remote on my chest.