'Til Death s04e34 Episode Script

Coupon Bob

'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Good morning.
Morning.
Is there anything else you'd like to say? Oh! Nice work last night.
And by the way, I promise.
Next time, it's all about you.
Hello? Hey, mom.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, you know I am.
I always love my birthday.
Yeah.
Hey, daddy.
Ohno, you don't have to s You're singing.
Mom on the guitar.
That's great, thank you.
That was great, guys.
Beautiful ha Okay.
We're gonna do it again in Spanish.
All right.
Thanks, guys.
I love you, too.
All right.
Bye.
There's the birthday girl! You remembered.
Well, if I didn't remember, How would I have had This? What is that? One of your homemade coupons? Pff! What? Hello! You know what? You do not know me at all, okay? This could be anything, missy.
That's right, anything.
How do you know it isn't a Weekend getaway to France? Oh, my God.
Eddie, you didn't.
I did not.
Ahem.
"one mani-pedi "from your favorite manny, Eddie.
" You see that? The minute I realized That "pedi" rhymed with "Eddie", well, The whole darn thing just fell together.
Thank you.
Yeah, I think that I'm just gonna File this with the other 157 coupons You've made me over the years.
Hey, honey.
Those coupons are-are Thoughtful and- and personal gifts That are carefully designed To-to fit your specific needs At the time given.
No, they're not.
You're always gonna Massage some part of me Or give me some meal in bed.
Oh, and by the way, a coupon for sex Is really a coupon for you.
Oh, somebody thinks pretty highly of herself.
You know, I-I wish that just once You would actually put the time in And go out and buy me a gift Instead of scribbling something On a piece of paper at the last minute.
Pff! Is that what you think I did? You have magic marker on your lip.
I do? Here? All right, well, look.
Listen, In my defense, darling, You're impossible to shop for.
Happy birthday, Joy! Thank you, Kenny.
You shouldn't have.
Yeah, you most definitely shouldn't have.
I've been sitting on that gift forever, Just waiting for the day When you could finally open it.
Okay.
Oh, my God! This is really funny.
we were having lunch.
And-and afterwards, we walked by this boutique And this scarf was in the window.
And then I went back because I left my coat in the restaurant.
But I didn't leave my coat in the restaurant.
Ha ha ha.
And then, I went back To go get the scarf the next day, And it was gone.
Because I already bought it! You do know that she and I are together, right? Don't worry, I know the rules.
Nothing serious till after you die.
Look at his face.
Oh, and by the way, Nice job with the christmas wrap, huh? You couldn't pop for the for the birthday stuff? Well, actually, it says "Joy to the world".
I thought it'd be a nice pun on Joy's name.
Oh, let me see that.
Get the hell out of here.
You're too much.
You are too much! Happy birthday, Joy! Thank you, Kenny.
See? Not that hard.
Honey, look.
Let me tell you something.
I shouldn't have to apologize for my coupons.
Those-those little magical slips of paper Are-are made with love.
You wrote it on the back of our phone bill.
Reduce, reuse, recycle.
You have any idea how many trees it took To make that scarf? None.
Oh, now you're a scientist.
By the way, it's your own fault That you don't cash in on any of those coupons.
Really? All right, coupon Bob.
I'm gonna call your bluff.
In fact, this weekend, for my birthday, We're gonna do everything in this box.
Awesome.
Wait, you missed a spot.
What? Right there on the little pinkie toe, there.
Just dab it.
Just dab it.
That's it.
Thank you.
Okay, now blow it dry.
Really? Hey.
Your words, not mine.
Thank you.
All right.
Let's see What is on tap for this afternoon.
Oh, this should be interesting.
"anniversary, 1994.
" Ahem.
Jackpot.
Well, I could maybe do the first sentence, But with my knees the way they are, I'd have to bring in a college kid to do the rest.
Works for me.
All right.
Let's see.
Oh.
Here's an oldie but a goodie.
Guess who is doing all the household chores for a month.
A month? There's no way I would've ever Stupid 90s Eddie.
This isugh.
All right.
Well, I will let you Get started on this laundry oh! And I will be upstairs awaiting my "homemade scones and erotic scarf dance".
And look at that.
You dotted the "I" in "erotic" With a little heart.
I was so whipped last century.
Hey, what's up, Eddie? Big trouble, man.
Big trouble.
Why? What's going on? Well, for Joy's birthday I made her a coupon.
A coupon? It's a promise That I'll do something thoughtful for her in the future.
Like what? Get her an actual gift? People love coupons, Kenny.
All right? She hated it, right? Like you can't believe.
So get her a real gift.
Make all this go away.
You know? What does she like? Well, cheap booze and magazines.
Ooh, she loves when something bad happens to her friends.
Come on.
What else? Ah, she- she's always mentioning These, v.
Patel designer bags That all those actresses are carrying on tv.
So get her one of those.
Are you kidding me? They're, like, 2,000 dollars.
If I had that kinda money, We'd be having this conversation on a golf course At a club that neither you or I could get into.
Ha ha.
You got that right.
Gimme that.
You know what I mean? No, man, don't worry about the purse, man.
I got a guy.
You got a guy? I got a guy.
Ray-ray downtown.
Get you that exact same purse for a reasonable price.
The exact same? Ray-ray's stuff is top shelf.
Remember those italian loafers I got you last year That you loved so-so much? Those are, like, the nicest things I own.
Look, I don't know.
Should I really be Buying Joy a knock-off purse And passing it off as real? Hey, if the real you could afford the real purse, We'd be in a real store.
Welcome to Chang's tchotchkes.
We're having big blowout! We're here to see ray-ray.
You a cop? No, I'm I'm a history teacher.
You look like cop.
No cop.
Turn around.
Excuse me? Turn around! Okay.
Okay, that's Those are my keys.
That's me.
Still me.
Okay.
He's clean.
Okay.
Back room.
Hey, suburbs.
When we get to the back, Let me do all the talking because ray-ray will eat you alive.
Look, I'm a natural negotiator.
And I know how to play the part.
Look.
How do I look? Like a schmuck.
Kenny! What's goin' on, man? Same hustle, baby.
What up, foo? This is my friend Eddie.
They call me e-train.
All right, e-train.
What can I get for you? Ladies' purse.
You got any v.
Patels in? Today's your lucky day, gentlemen.
We just got a brand-new shipment of those in.
Voila! This what you're looking for? True dat.
Oh, I get it.
That's a schmo price.
What be the pro price? What's he saying? He wants to know if you could do better.
Oh, no! That's the price.
Okay, fine.
Then we just gonna ba-nounce.
We're gonna hit the bricks.
Agitate the gravel.
I don't I think he's saying we're gonna leave.
Okay.
Well, if you change your mind, The bag'll still be here.
Oh, but I am leaving at 3:00 today.
I have to go to a play at my daughter's preschool.
She's playing a tree.
No lines.
Still gotta go.
All right, ray-ray.
We're gonna get out of here, man.
All right.
All right, playboy.
Papa's good to give you 2 large.
You just offered him Okay, listen.
I'm gonna level with you.
I'm just a white guy trying to buy my wife a handbag.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You like it? Like it? I love it! I love it, I loveoh! I justI can't I gotta pee.
I can hold it.
Okay, look at me for a second, okay? I love you.
I-I love you.
I'm loving you.
And how much of that is because of the bag? I don't know, maybe 90%.
But the rest is all you! Wow, 10%.
That's like a record for me.
Oh, I just I can't believe it.
I Wow! I mean, how could you afford this, Eddie? This is, like, a this is, like, a 2,000 dollars bag.
Yeah, 2 large.
Where did you get the money for this? Sold a lot of blood.
Sold a lot of blood.
Yeah.
They said I could give more because I'm bigger.
Oh, God! You know what in particular about this bag Is extra fantastic? There's a little secret pocket inside for your cell phone.
And right next to it is this little leather tab That is signed personally by v.
Patel.
I'll show it to you.
It's not here.
Why wouldn't it be here? Honey? I have Listen to me.
I have something to tell you and you're not gonna be happy.
Oh, here it is.
What did you want to tell me? I'm addicted to internet porn.
Oh.
I love it.
I love it.
I want to marry it.
I would sign a big 'ol pre-nup for this.
Oh, God.
I love it, too.
And not just because it's designer, or expensive, But, you know, when I carry it, I feel like I'm better than other people.
Hey.
This came from Eddie? I mean, no offense, but he seems like Such a bad husband.
Oh, none taken.
He is.
Correction.
He was.
Now, he's a God.
Oh, come on! I'm not God.
I'm just God's big tool.
So, you taking the bag for a spin, Are you, simona? Yeah.
How's she feel? Like a million bucks.
Well, you're not that far off.
Ha ha.
But nothing is too good for my baby.
Listen, we're gonna take a little walk around the neighborhood.
I want to show it to that bitch marlene parker.
Hi.
Excuse me.
Hi My husband, bought this bag for me.
And I love it.
And I love him for buying it for me.
But, it's the creme brulee, And I wanted to exchange it for the swiss chocolate.
Oh, certainly.
No problem.
Yeah.
Is there a problem? Yeah.
Have you ever owned one of these bags before? No.
It's my first.
Yeah.
Actually, it's really not.
Whatwhat's wrong? This bag is actually a knock-off.
It would take a sophisticated eye to notice, So I'm not surprised that you didn't.
I am being treated very poorly here.
I'm a paying customer.
Yeah.
You're really not.
How do you know I don't shop here all the time? Your eye shadow? As you might imagine, We at v.
Patel frown upon those Who try to exchange fake bags for authentic ones.
I mean, that's kind of like stealing 2,000 dollars.
Well, I'm sure that you at v.
Patel frown upon that, But I am not stealing anything, okay? That bag is perfectly real.
So you can v.
Suck it.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Where did you come from? Hey, did Did you hit one of those silent alarm buttons Under the counter? Yeah.
I kinda did.
You seem like a runner.
Come on, you keep forgetting to ante.
Put it in, shaft.
Oh! Sorry, I got beer on the rug.
Ah, don't worry about that.
Joy will take care of it.
I bought her a fancy purse.
I'm bulletproof.
I'm not even gonna do it.
I'll clean it later.
Hello? Hey, honey.
Guys, say hi to Joy.
Hi, Joy.
See? That was for you.
No girls.
Iwhatno.
Honey Okay.
I'm gonna, Have to make a quick trip to the mall.
Hank, you're a divorce lawyer.
Leave your business card before you go.
Look.
We can do this the easy way, Or the hard way.
All I want to know is Where'd you get this bag? I told you.
It was a gift from my dead husband.
How did he die? I'll let you know.
Hey, honey.
Eddie.
How could you get me a fake bag? Fake? Fake.
Fake? Fake.
Okay, you can stop saying "fake".
We know it's a fake.
Whoa.
Whowhoa.
Whoa stop it.
How did you find out? Well, I tried to return it.
You did what? I wanted a slightly different color.
So you tried to return the bag That I gave you with love? It's a fake bag, Eddie.
Yeah, but you didn't know that.
For all you knew, It was an expensive And heartfelt gift.
Are you trying to play the victim here? Hey, I am the victim here.
I pretended to spend Do you realize how hard I would have to work To make 2,000 dollars? But you really didn't.
But you didn't know that.
For all you knew, I donated 12 pints of blood.
a bigger person To buy you this precious bag.
But again, you didn't really do it.
But again, you didn't really know it.
This is absurd.
Will you please tell him that this is absurd? He does have a point, ma'am.
You didn't know.
Thank you, "couldn't get a real police officer job" Rick.
Whoa, whoa.
Do not come down on Rick.
He makes a lot of sense.
Oh, so it's all my fault.
Okay? For 20 years, you've been writing me these useless coupons.
You finally buy me something, And I'm getting the third degree from officer walrus.
You get one more, lady.
And then I cry.
Okay.
I'm gonna ask you, Rick, To ask the prisoner what she would like me to do.
I obviously can't afford a 2,000 dollars bag.
But I didn't ask you to do that.
I would've been happy if you bought me The scarf that Kenny gave me.
Oh, come on, Joy.
I've given you gifts like that.
They never meant anything.
No.
I gave you that bag, you looked at me Like I was a rock star.
I did not.
She did.
She almost peed herself.
Almost peed in her pants.
Honey! All right, look.
The point is, I I know you think those little coupons I give you are silly, But it's only because I can't afford To give you what I'd like to.
Let alone what you deserve.
And I don't want to disappoint you.
If I may Obviously, him giving you that fake bag Wasn't a great idea, but He seems to be trying to express some real feelings Of insecurity here, and Well, I think you should validate that.
Really? All right.
I'm sorry, babe.
In the future, I will try to appreciate The crap you can afford.
And I will try to put more thought Into the crap that I buy you.
I love you.
Love you.
Ah, this is beautiful.
Why don't you two lovebirds get out of here, huh? I'll clean up this whole handbag mess.
Well, thank you, officer Rick.
Thank you.
You know Moments like these are why I got into the whole Retail security game in the first place.
Ha ha.
That, and the hauntingly Beautiful mannequins In the bridal shop windows.
Eddie, you don't have to do this.
No, this is about defending my wife's honor.
Is this the guy right here? Yeah.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Nice jean jacket.
I understand that you are under the impression That you think people like us can't afford to shop here.
I just came by to tell you that it is my wife's birthday, And we will be purchasing a v.
Patel item.
And to think I almost called in sick today.
Let's see, we have the weekend bag.
Classy.
We have the briefcase.
Always comes in handy.
Those start in the 800s.
I know my wife well enough to realize That she's probably a v.
Patel keychain gal.
That'll be 350 dollars.
You're right.
We really can't afford to shop here.
But I'm pretty sure that either one of us Could kick your ass.
I say we get a coffee And wait out his shift.