'Til Death s04e35 Episode Script

Cold Case

That movie was incredible.
Mmm, so good, so intense.
All that homoerotic subtext.
What? Oh, come on, Eddie! Hugh Jackman takes the other guy's pistol, Slides it into his holster in slow motion.
Oh, verycome on! He needed a gun.
It was late at night.
They were alone in the woods, Sharing a cabin oh, my God.
Wh What the hell's that? That's the car.
I had it all wired up For that hands-free stuff.
Let me see.
Hey, man.
It's Kenny.
Hey, Kenny.
Joy's in the car.
Oh, hey, Joy.
Hey, Kenny.
So, what's up? Guess I'm just gonna say hi And make sure you guys got home safely.
I gotta go.
All right.
Thanks for a wonderful evening.
Date night is as exciting now As it was back when I was trying to sleep with you.
I gotta be honest with you, If we were teenagers, I would have had you come in And look at that.
It was so If we were teenagers, you probably would have photographed it.
Hey, question for you.
Yes, my love.
Why did you tell Kenny that I was in the car While you were on the speakerphone? Well, before I answer, Are you happy or mad that I told him? I don't know.
It just sounded to me like you were worried Thatthat he might say something that you didn't want me to hear.
So Mad.
No, just curious.
Butbut it's like a hostile curiosity? Oh, my God! Just answer the question.
All right, look.
There is nothing That I didn't want you to hear.
It was just, common speakerphone etiquette, You know, toto inform the caller that there are people present.
Just Right, and you're always so obsessed with proper etiquette, Mr.
"hey, smell my burp.
" All right, look look at it like this.
Let's say you were invisible, okay, And I took you out to a cocktail party And I was talking to someone.
Wouldn't it be rude if I didn't tell my new friend, "oh, by the way, "my beautiful wife is standing right next to me, Who just happens to be invisible"? It's All right, first of all, you've never taken me to a cocktail party, Visible, invisible, so I don't see how it applies.
Well, I just think that that is a very colorful scenario To prove my point quite well.
So there's nothing that you've done That you're hiding from me? No.
Because just so you know, if you did do something And I find out about it, you're gonna be In a lot more trouble than if you just tell me now.
What am I, 9? In many ways, yes.
Okay, I promise you there is nothing.
Well, I'm just telling you that th If there is something, I will find out about it.
Of course you will.
And I plan on doing some digging.
Aw, dig away.
Ioh, I will.
Okay, good, because you're not gonna find anything.
I'll be the judge of that.
Well, then I'll get you a robe and gavel.
I love it.
I didn't do anything.
We'll see.
So, Kenny, what the hell was that last night? What do you mean? In the car on the speakerphone.
You just called to say hello? I mean, that got Joy all suspicious for no reason.
I was callin' to see if you saw the eagle game.
So why didn't you say that? Because you said Joy's there.
Everyone knows when someone says, "my wife's in the car," you dummy up.
But see, now, she thinks I did somethin' wrong.
Did you? No.
Then why'd you say, "my wife's in the car"? Because she was.
It's speakerphone courtesy.
Now she's gonna be looking around Because she thinks I did something wrong.
But if you didn't do anything, what's the problem? It's always a problem if your wife is sniffin' around.
Even if there's nothin' to find, no good can come from it.
She's gonna end up, finding a business card From a lunch I had 3 years ago, Put it together with a piece of sand she found in my flip-flops, And, boom, all of a sudden, I have another family in tahiti.
I tell you what you gotta do.
You gotta give her somethin'.
What do you mean? You gotta cop a plea.
Make up somethin' small.
Tell her that's what you were hiding.
You get a slap on the wrist.
She stops sniffin' around.
Case closed.
Okay, that's good.
That's good.
But what do I give her? I got nothin'.
Is there somethin' from your lives I can use? Nope.
I was always totally honest with my wife.
That's why we're divorced.
All right.
Karl, what do you got? My wife's under the illusion I'm a pretty big war hero.
Ok, that's not gonna work, either.
How 'bout you tell her you had a dream about one of her friends' boobies? Nice.
Okay, I like that, because that's That's something in the subconscious.
That's something I can't control.
Andand I could say that you called me To talk about the dream and I said Joy was there to stop you.
That's good, but every good lie needs details.
Now, which one of Joy's friends has really nice boobs? Whew.
Wow, that's a tough one.
I mean, quite frankly, any boob I can't see is a nice one.
I'm gonna go with Jane Wasserman.
Wait! I can't do that.
Why not? Well, because that means now every time I'm around Jane, I can't look at her boobs, And at this point in my life, I'm just not ready to give that up.
So how's the sniffin' around goin'? Find anything yet? A gum wrapper, a mini golf pencil, And a yarmulke in your suit pocket.
Puttin' some things together.
Ah, you can call off the dogs, Because I have been hiding something.
You were right.
I knew it.
Why do you try to get stuff by me? What did you do? It'syou know, It's really silly, And I should have told you earlier.
It's okay, you know, last Wednesday, When I told you that I was working late? Yeah.
Well, I wasn't working late, okay? Kenny and I, we went to an indian casino, And we played a little poker, And I lost 42 dollars, and, that was it, So it's out there.
See? Now, was that so hard? I mean, doesn't that make you feel better? It does make me feel better, absolutely.
You are as right as you are slender.
And, it was dumb of me not to say something earlier, But now the the slate is clean, okay, So no more sniffing, no more judging, No more snooping, all right? So why don't we get to the main course tonight? What are we havin', one of the 2 kinds of chicken you make every night? Yes.
Youdo you know what's weird, though? I actually drove by the school on Wednesday, And youryour car was still in your space.
That's because, Kenny picked me up.
See, but I left my car in the space So if you drove by, you would still think that I was working.
You really thought this whole thing through, huh? Yeah, it's pretty calculated.
I'm not proud.
But I thought you said that Kenny's car was in the shop last week.
Did I? Yeah, you did.
Oh, no, no, no, no! Seesee, honey, when I when I say last week, What I mean is is the week before last.
So 2 weeks ago? Yes.
2 week is correct.
Now, if I mean the week prior to the week we're in, That would be the previous week, But the week, a week Week ago would be That'sthat's that's a 2-weeker right there, So that'sthat's how I that's how I dooze it, you know? That'sI know it's unconventional, But that'sthat's how my mama taught me, So I'm just I'm just tryin' I'm lying.
I'm lying.
I'm lying again.
I don'tall right.
I'm gonna I'm gonna come clean here, all right? Kenny's car was in the shop.
Last week? Yes.
So if Kenny's car was in the shop And your car was at school, How'd you get to the indian casino? We hoofed it.
You walked? That is correct.
It's 72 miles.
We hoofed it to the freight trains, see, And then we hopped on up there like a couple of old-time hobos.
Ok, I don't believe a word you're saying right now.
Oh, where did I lose you, "hobo"? Somewhere around there, yeah.
All right, soso, ok.
So what you're saying now is thatthat you think I'm lying.
No, I think your lie is a lie, And I think you're doing it To cover up something that you really did, And it must be something really big, 'cause you're makin' up all kinds of stuff to throw me off your scent.
Oh, that isis totally cra yeah, yeah.
Greagreat idea.
That's something I would really do.
I would use a fake lie to cover up my real lie.
Yeah, yeah.
That's really a great idea.
Yeah, that'sthat's the plan I would use, Joy.
H-howhow stupid do you think I am, really? I mean, come o I know I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid.
I'm not so sure you're not that stupid.
Well I am sure.
That's because you're stupid.
You know what? I was gonna let this whole thing go.
I really wa I actually felt badly.
But now, I am gonna be watching you, buddy.
I am gonna be in your head.
I am gonna know what you're thinking before you think it.
Yeah, what am I thinkin' right now? You want brownies.
Get out of my head, you witch! Hey! There's my think tank.
Lunch is on me, fellas.
Really? No.
How'd it go? Bad.
What happened? She didn't buy my fake lie.
She tore it apart like a fat man on a pot roast.
Which lie did you go with? Pretended to work late, walk to indian casino.
How'd she see through that one? It's not funny, man.
It's a little funny.
No, no, no, it isn't.
I'm in big trouble, And I haven't done anything.
What the hell is going on? Okay, let's just calm down.
I can't calm down.
My lie is spinning out of control.
What lie? There isn't one! That's the problem.
I have to do something bad, and fast.
I don't know why I listened to you guys in the first place.
All right, look.
So our plan didn't work.
It's not the first time.
It's true.
You can't be shocked by this.
Eddie, I know this looks bad, But you're basically a good person.
I mean, even if she's lookin', What's she really gonna find? Yeah.
I mean, what's the worst thing you've done in your marriage? I did somethin'.
What? I can't tell you.
Was it in southeast asia? What? No.
I'm not buyin' it.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You're a choirboy.
No, I did something wrong.
I'm a very bad man.
What did you do that was so wrong? I've never said it out loud.
Something very dark.
Very devastating.
If it ever was discovered, it would Render the last 20 years of my marriage meaningless.
What was the last part? "meaningless.
" and I first got together, We decided to move in, right.
Sheshe had this cat named goober.
I explained to her that I was allergic to cats.
A few days later, she gave her beloved goober away.
She did it for me.
She did it for love.
It was an amazing gesture That I can never repay.
So what's wrong with that? I'm not allergic to cats.
I just hate 'em, especially that no-good, Ankle-bitin' son of a bitch.
Anyway, afterafter she gave the cat away, She cried herself to sleep for the next 6 weeks.
Well, why didn't you just tell her the truth? Well, I couldn't show her that I was a liar That early in our relationship.
But you were.
No, not to her.
To her, I was sweet, nice Eddie With a crippling cat allergy.
How do you live with the guilt? It's not easy, my brother.
Every night, I would lie awake and just pray to God That I would actually become allergic to cats So I could live with myself retroactively.
But my prayers were never answered.
For the last 20 years, every time I walk by a cat, I have to start sneezing wildly.
It's not easy.
It's a lot of pressure And, quite frankly, looks rather silly.
But I do it.
Our car once broke down in front of a cat farm.
I had to actually fake a seizure.
A cat farm? Oh, they're out there, mostly in amish country.
And 9.
Come on.
Every rep is a decision to be fit.
Challenge yourself.
And All right.
All right, you want a turn? Nah, I'm good.
You sure? Oh, super sure.
I just actually caught a glimpse of myself In the mirror, and I like what I see.
Ah, come on, Joy.
You know how good you feel When you work out and you get those endorphins flowin'.
You feel like you really accomplished something.
All right.
All right, let's do this.
Let me just get my weights.
Feel the burn.
So, did you find out what Eddie did? No.
He's holding out on me.
You know, the other night, I actually went through his jacket.
Did you find anything? Meatball sandwich.
Pretty unsolved rubik's cube.
I swearyou know, I know that he has done something, And I can't figure it out.
I mean, it's drivin' me nuts.
You know, my friend sheila Found a pair of panties and a cocktail dress In her husband's gym bag.
Turns out he was a cross-dresser.
Well, II don't have to worry about that with Eddie.
There's no high heel in the world that would fit those feet.
Last year, I thought steven was having an affair.
Turns out he was just being blackmailed by a former business partner.
I was worried for nothing.
You don't think Eddie could be having an affair, do you? Oh, of course not.
I mean, how's your sex life? Well, we haven't had sex lately.
Define "lately.
" Not in a while.
Define "a while.
" I don't wanna.
All right, look, I'm gonna level with you.
I'm gonna be totally honest, because this is crazy.
The reason I said Joy was in the car Is because as as you know, Kenny does not have the benefit of a woman.
And sometimes, He calls me late at night, And I talk dirty to him.
Oh, my God.
You're having an affair.
No, no.
No, no.
I'm noI'm not sleeping with him.
It's just dirty talk.
No, thathat is not what I mean.
You're lying to me again.
There must be something.
You must be having an affai Is it that tramp, Jane Wasserman? Because I will kill her.
Comeokay, now now you're acting like a crazy person.
Well, what am I supposed to think? You keep lying to me.
Okay, first of all, I could never get Jane Wasserman.
Right? Yeah.
I mean, could I? If All right, look.
Thi Okay, here's the point.
I love you more than you can imagine, And I would never cheat on you in a million years.
You wanna know what the truth is? I never did anything.
Then why on earth would you lie to me? Because you didn't trust me, and you said you would start digging.
Well, who cares, if there's nothing to find? Well, honothing to fi how do I don't know what you're gonna find.
You just got done saying that there was nothing.
I did.
Then you're still afraid of me digging? That's right.
Well, then you must be lying about something.
I'm not.
I'm not lying about anything.
This is absolutely crazy.
I know, because you're makin' everything screwy.
That's why.
Back up here, all right? Yes.
When you told Kenny, "Joy's in the car," You were not hiding anything at all? Inothing.
I'm as clean as a whistle.
Because trust is the most important thing in a relationship.
I gotta tell you, if you don't have trust, you don't have nothin'.
And I could not agree with you more.
Okay, so just to clear the decks here, Is there anything else, any other lies that you wanna clean up? There is Anything at all from our whole relationship, Anything that you haven't told me? There is nothing.
I am an open book.
All right.
All right.
There is one thing.
What? I'm not allergic to cats.
What is that, now? I'm not allergic to cats.
Never have been.
Well, of course you are.
You sneeze every time we pass a cat.
Yeah, tha-that's a fake sneeze.
A fake sneeze? See? Like that.
Oh, my God.
You made me give away goober Because you were allergic to cats.
Why would you do that to me? I loved that cat more than anything in the world.
I'm just not a big cat guy.
You're not a big cat guy? I am a big war hero, though.
I took the day off, and I drove up to amish country, And I stopped at that cat farm we used to pass by.
God, I don't know why I'm lying.
I I got her at the pet store at the mall.
Aw, Eddie.
I know she's not your old cat, But I hope that you could learn to love this little creature And maybe someday me again.
If you need me, I'll be in my room.
Thanks for a new kitty, babe.
Don't you just love the way she likes to sleep in between us? Yeah, it's the best.
Hey, it's Kenny.
Hey, Kenny.
What's up? Man, you were right.
That new waitress has amazing cans.
How did you describe them again? Joy's in the car, isn't she? Hi, Kenny.
He also said your cans are pretty great.
You know, for your age.
I'm gonna hang up now.

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