Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (2007) s05e05 Episode Script

Crows

1
[ WINGS FLAPPING, CROWS CAWING ]
[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
HERE IS THE -- HERE'S A SONG
ENTITLED
"THE CAR OF THE FUTURE," WHICH
ISTHE THEME SONG TO A MOTION
PICTURE I HAVE COMPLETELY FAILED
TO FILM AS A DIRECTOR.
AND THEN SHOULD I SING THE SONG?
[ DRUMMING ]
ALL RIGHT.
BAT-BADUMP-BUMP
BAT-BADUMP-BUMP
BAT-BA-BA
UP-BADUMP-BAT-BA-BA-BUMP
WHEN IT'S ON THE ROAD, NO CAR
IS FASTER
IF YOU DRIVE IT IN RACES, YOU
COULD BE THE GRAND MASTER
IT HAS TIRES THAT DEFY ALL
FRICTION
AND IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING
FROM SCIENCE FICTION
IT'S THE CA-A-R-R-R-R-R-R-R
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-F THE
FUTUR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-E
[ HORNS HONKING ]
[ CAR ALARM ACTIVATES ]
[ CAR ALARM DEACTIVATES ]
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME CROWS
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME CROWS
Eric: HI, I'M ERIC WAREHEIM,
AND MY PARTNER, TIM HEIDECKER,
IS LATE, SO I'M JUST GONNA WAIT.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,
11, 12.
4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Tim: SORRY. SORRY I'M --
I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE. HI.
MY EYES JUST GOT PECKED OUT BY
CROWS.
Eric: YOU OKAY?
Tim: A MEAN BLACK BIRD OU
THERE.
REALLY WENT FOR THE EYES.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
SPANK ME
SPANK ME
OH, YEAH
Eric: GONNA SPANK YOUR BUT
TONIGHT
Tim: SPANK ME
SPANK ME
OH, YEAH
Eric: GONNA SPANK YOUR BUT
SO RIGHT
COMING UP, THE SPANKING CRAZY
IS SWEEPING THE NATION, THANKS
TO THE PAYNUS BROTHERS.
THEY'RE THE HOTTEST SPANK POP
GROUP AROUND.
[ POP MUSIC PLAYS ]
GET INSIDE YOURSELF.
YES, THE PAYNUS BROTHERS'
BUNS ARE RED HOT FROM SPANKING.
MICKEY IS 16 AND LIKES HANGING
OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
DON IS 19.
HE'S A DEACON AT HIS FATHER'S
CHURCH.
AND MERV?
WELL, MERV'S THE WILD ONE, AND
HE JUST LOVES HAVING FUN.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THEIR SMASH
HIT, "SPANK MY BUTT."
Tim: I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA
SPANK ME UP AND DOWN
Eric: GONNA LEAVE A RED
MARK NEXT TIME AROUND
Tim: MY SPANKER'S GONNA
MAKE A NICE CRACKING SOUND
Eric: HIT YOU SO HARD,
FALL TO THE GROUND
SPANK MY BUT
SPANK MY BUT
SPANK MY BUT
SPANK MY BUT
SPANK MY BUT
SPANK MY BUT
SPANK MY BUT
SPANK MY BUT
SPANK MY BUT
[ WHIRRING ]
SO, TELL ME -- WHEN DID YOU
GUYS FIRST START SINGING?
Tim: [ LAUGHING ]
[ CHUCKLES ]
Eric: HA.
OKAY.
THEY WANT TO KNOW -- HOW RED-HO
ARE YOUR BUNS?
Tim: THANKS FOR MAKING US
NUMBER ONE.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MORE OF THE PAYNUS BROTHERS
AFTER THIS.
[ CHUCKLES ] I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU ARE STILL SEEING JANELLE.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE HER.
SHE'S HOT.
TROUBLE CITY, THOUGH.
HIGH-MAINTENANCE, WOULDN'T YOU
SAY?
AS LONG AS THEY'RE HOT, I
REALLY DON'T CARE, YOU KNOW?
WHEW, I'M BUSHED.
THINK I'M GONNA HIT THE SACK.
MIND IF I WATCH?
NOT AT ALL, BUDDY.
YOU CAN USE MY NEW CINCO
SLEEPWATCHING CHAIR, FROM CINCO.
IT'S THE NEW AND EXCITING
SLEEPWATCHING CHAIR, FROM CINCO.
GOOD NIGHT.
FINALLY, A PRACTICAL WAY TO
WATCH YOUR FRIEND SLEEP.
ADIOS.
GOOD NIGHT, MY FRIEND ROBIN.
NOW THE SHOW BEGINS.
THE SLEEPWATCHING CHAIR COMES
WITH A SLEEPWATCHER ZOOM LENS SO
YOU DON'T MISS A SINGLE DETAIL
OF THE ACTION
WONDERFUL.
AND A DREAMER'S BOOK,
PERFECT FOR RECORDING WHAT YOU
THINK YOUR FRIEND IS DREAMING
ABOUT.
FASCINATING.
THE NIGHTMARE-PREVENTION TONE
HELPS CONTROL UNPLEASANT DREAMS.
JUST PRESS THIS BUTTON, AND
HE'LL BE AWAKENED FROM HIS
NIGHTMARE.
THE BEAR'S GONNA TAKE A BITE
OUT OF ME!
[ BUZZER ]
NEVER DRIFT OFF WHILE
WATCHING YOUR FRIEND SLEEP.
ATTACH THE ELECTROSHOCK
CONDUCTORS TO YOUR FACE.
WHEN YOU START TO NOD OFF,
YOU'RE AWAKENED WITH SLIGHTLY
PAINFUL ELECTRICITY.
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
THE CHAIR'S EVEN EQUIPPED WITH
A TOILET HOLE SO YOU DON'T HAVE
TO MISS A SECOND OF YOUR
FRIEND'S PEACEFUL SLUMBER.
WATCH YOUR FRIEND ENJOY A FULL
NIGHT'S SLEEP IN COMFORT WITH
CINCO'S SLEEPWATCHING CHAIR.
COME ON, COME ON.
YEAH.
[ ROOSTER CROWS ]
GOOD MORNING, ROBIN.
GOOD MORNING, BUDDY.
OH, MAN.
THANKS FOR THE GREAT SHOW.
ANYTIME.
LISTEN, I'LL BE LATE FOR
WORK.
KEEP IN TOUCH, HUH?
THANKS, CINCO.
CINCO HELPS YOU WATCH YOUR
FRIENDS
SLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E--
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
Eric: COME ON. THIS WAY.
Tim: ERIC, I'M REALLY SCARED
HERE.
Eric: IT'LL BE FINE.
COME ON, NOW, SHOW ME WHERE
THOSE CROWS GOT YOU.
WHERE DID THEY GET YOU?
Tim: I WAS JUST COMING OUT OF
MY CAR, AND THEN ALL OF A
SUDDEN, I HEARD THIS SWOOSHING,
WHOOPING SOUND.
CROWS GOT TO YOU, DID THEY?
Tim: WHO'S THERE?
Eric: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
TOMORROW, YOU'RE BOTH GOING
TO DIE!
Tim: WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT,
ERIC?
THE CROWS AREN'T DONE WITH
YOU YET!
Eric: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THE DARK MAN IS COMING!
Tim: DARK MAN?
HE'S COMING FOR YOU BOTH!
Tim: WHO'S THE DARK MAN?
[ CROWS SQUAWKING ]
Both: OHH!
Tim: NO! NOT AGAIN!
Eric: [ SCREAMING ]
THE DARK MAN IS COMING
THE DARK MAN IS COMING
Tim: GET OUT OF HERE!
Eric: [ SCREAMS ]
Tim: GET OUT OF HERE!
THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING.
Eric: [ SCREAMING ]
[ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]
Eric: [ SOBBING ]
All: BE PROVOCATIVE.
ORGANIZED.
FUN, FUN, FUN.
CREATIVITY, NO.
RENEWAL.
CREATIVITY, NO.
RENEWAL.
THE DARK MAN TOOK MY SON.
[ SCREAMS ]
All: [ SCREAMING ]
YIP, YIP!
YIP, YIP, YIP!
YIP, YIP!
YIP, YIP!
[ POP MUSIC PLAYS ]
WELL, YOU WIPE IT, AND YOU
SPANK IT
AND YOU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON
IT
AND WATCH IT TURN RED
THE PAYNUS BROTHERS MAY HAVE
THEIR FATHER, FORMER
COUNTRY-MUSIC STAR BOB PAYNUS,
TO THANK FOR THEIR EARLY
SUCCESS.
BOB PAYNUS, NOW A MINISTER A
HIS OWN PRIVATE CHURCH, THINKS
HE MAY HAVE INSPIRED THE
SPANKING TREND THAT ROCKETED HIS
HOT SONS TO THE TOP OF THE
CHARTS.
YOU SHOULD SPANK YOUR WIFE.
YOU SHOULD SPANK YOUR CHILDREN.
YOU SHOULD SPANK YOUR AUNTS AND
UNCLES AND COUSINS.
AND JESUS KNOWS THAT.
I TAUGHT MY BOYS THE VALUE OF A
GOOD SPANKING EARLY.
AND I SUPPOSE THAT MIGHT HAVE
INFLUENCED THEIR MUSIC.
AND IF YOU THINK THE KIDS ARE
THE ONLY FANS OF THE
PAYNUS BROTHERS, CHECK OUT THIS
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH MY
FRIEND'S MOM AND DAD.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE
PAYNUS BROTHERS?
THE PAYNUS BROTHERS HAVE BEEN
GREAT 'CAUSE THEY MAKE SPANKING
FUN.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
WHICH MAKES IT EASIER FOR US.
AND HERE'S AN EXCLUSIVE WORLD
PREMIERE FIRST LOOK AT THEIR NEW
SINGLE, "SPANK ME IN HEAVEN."
Tim: HEY, WHEN MY HOMIES
CRY OUT FROM THE STREET
ALL I CAN SAY TO YOU IS
Eric: THEY'LL BE SPANKING
YOUR BUTT IN HEAVEN
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
THEY'RE GONNA SPANK YOUR
BUTT
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CROWS SQUAWKING ]
Tim: I DON'T WANT TO DIE!
I DON'T WANT ANY MORE CROWS!
BACK FOR MORE, ARE YOU?
Tim: [ GASPING ]
Shh! Shh!
[ CROW SCREECHING ]
[ BOTH SCREAMING ]
Eric: WHAT'S HAPPENING?
Tim: WHO ARE YOU?
I AM THE DARK MAN!
YOU'RE BEING PUNISHED FOR YOUR
DEEDS.
Tim: WHAT DEEDS?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU HAVE BEEN UNKIND TO THE
BIRDS OF THE WORLD!
Tim: NO, WE LOVE BIRDS.
Eric: WE LOVE BIRDS! NO!
NO! WATCH THIS!
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ BIRD SQUAWKS ]
NOW YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!
Tim: NO, PLEASE!
Eric: WE'RE SORRY!
Tim: COME ON, DARK MAN, GIVE
US ANOTHER SHOT.
I HAVE NO CHOICE!
[ SCREAMS ]
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
Tim: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT.
WE CAN TALK THIS THROUGH.
WE CAN TALK THIS --
[ LAUGHING ]
WAY TO GO, DARK MAN!
SHUT UP!
[ GROANS ]
[ LAUGHS ]
[ CAWING ]
[ GLASS SHATTERING ]
SHOULD HAVE HAD THEM BRONZED.
[ "TOM GOES TO THE MAYOR" THEME
PLAYS ]
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
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