Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (2007) s05e06 Episode Script

Lucky

1
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
Tim: MY DAD LETS ME EAT MY
BOOGS
'CAUSE WE DON'T HAVE FOOD
BECAUSE HE LOST HIS JOB
Eric: WHY DON'T YOU ASK
FOR HELP
OR APPLY FOR FOOD STAMPS?
GET SOME AID FROM YOUR LOCAL
COMMUNITY
BEG YOUR DAD TO GO OU
AND GET SOME HELP
UGH!
Tim: MY BOOGIES DON'T TASTE
GOOD
THEY COME FROM MY NOSE
IT'S A SALTY SNACK
AND HIGH IN PROTEIN
OHH, OH-OH-OH
Eric: YOU'RE MAKING ME
SICK
MAKING ME SICK, SICK
YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK, SICK,
SICK, SICK, SICK, SICK, SICK
Tim: MMM. MY ONLY MEAL OF THE
DAY.
[ CRUNCHING ]
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
Tim: IF YOU, LIKE
IF YOU STAND LIKE THAT, I
COULD
WELL, "MELCOME" TO
"TIM AND ERIC: AWESOME SHOW"
Eric: HI --
Tim: "GREAT JOB!"
Eric: HEY, TV CELEBRITY
ERIC WAREHEIM HERE.
HOW ARE YOU?
Tim: WELCOME TO OUR SHOW.
UH
Eric: [ SNIFFS ] OH, MAN.
[ SNIFFING ]
SMELL UP HERE -- IT'S LIKE A
MUSK, LIKE A SEWAGE SMELL UP
HERE.
Tim: WELL, IT MIGHT JUST BE
MY MUSKY TUSK NECKLACE THAT I'M
WEARING.
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
Eric: WHAT?
THE CINCO MUSKY TUSK IS
GUARANTEED TO GIVE YOU GOOD
LUCK.
USE THE MUSKY TUSK FOR
JUST SMEAR THE REMAINS OF A DEAD
ANIMAL ON AND AROUND THE TUSKS
TO ACTIVATE YOUR LUCKY FORTUNE.
THE SMELL MEANS IT'S WORKING.
Eric: I MEAN, IT'S STRONG.
IT'S LIKE -- IT'S NOT BAD.
IT'S JUST LIKE A ROTTEN -- LIKE
A DEATH SMELL.
Tim: WELL, IT GIVES ME
TERRIFIC LUCK, AND IT'S REALLY
FORTUNATE THAT I HAVE SO MUCH
LUCK AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
LUCK.
Eric: I SURE COULD USE SOME
LUCK.
I WISH I HAD A COOL NECKLACE
LIKE THAT, TOO.
[ SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
MAN, WHAT A BAD DAY.
DAMN, I'M BUSHED.
BETTER PUT ON SOME OF THIS
DREAM CREAM.
KEEP AWAY THE NIGHTMARES.
DAMN, THIS [BLEEP] COLD.
THAT'S NICE.
FEELS GOOD.
JUST IN CASE, I'M GONNA PUT SOME
ON MY LIPS.
HOPE IT'S NOT POISONOUS.
[ CHUCKLES ]
GOOD NIGHT, HOAGIE MAN.
[ WHIMPERS ]
GOOD NIGHT, PIERRE.
HI, BEAUTIFUL BOY.
WELCOME TO MY DREAM.
YOU DON'T SMELL LIKE DIAPERS.
IT'S JUST A DREAM
A WONDERFUL DREAM
I'M MEETING A BOY
FINEST BOY I'VE EVER SEEN
ALONG COMES HIS DAD
I MEET THAT DAD
WE GET ALONG RIGHT AWAY
THEY ASK ME TO STAY
FOR A BARBECUE DINNER.
[ LAUGHING ]
WE'RE CHECKING OUT SITES,
AND IT'S SO MUCH FUN
HE'S FEEDING ME MEA
THIS CAN'T BE BEA
[ BURPS ]
THERE'S SOME SITES FOR DADS, AND
THERE'S SOME SITES FOR CHILDREN.
WE'RE LOOKING AT THE SITES FOR
DADS NOW.
MEGABYTES PER SECOND MUST BE IN
THE BILLIONS.
I'M GONNA GET SOME EXTREME
DOWNLOADS TONIGHT.
OH, PLEASE, LORD, DON'T LET THIS
WONDERFUL CREAM BE POISONOUS.
[ SITCOM-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS ]
Tim: UGH.
ONE LARGE O.J.
Tim: UH, I ACTUALLY ORDERED A
SMALL ORANGE JUICE.
OH. WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
MY MISTAKE.
JUST KEEP IT.
Tim: AHH.
HE'S MR. LUCKY DUCK
THAT'S ONE LUCKY DUCK!
Eric: [ GRUNTING ]
WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS.
Tim: WELL, I NOTICED YOU GO
A NEW NECKLACE.
Eric: YEP, A LUCKY
RABBIT'S FOOT NECKLACE.
THE WAY IT WORKS IS YOU KISS ONE
FOR LUCK, ANOTHER FOR LUCK,
ANOTHER FOR LUCK.
IT'S PERFECT.
Tim: [ LAUGHS ]
SORRY, BUDDY.
I THINK YOU GOT TAKEN ADVANTAGE
OF THERE A LITTLE BIT.
THOSE THINGS ARE A RIP-OFF.
THEY'RE FULL OF DISEASE.
THEY BRING YOU NO LUCK.
I JUST HOPE YOU KEPT THE
RECEIPT.
Eric: Damn it.
[ SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ Thinking ] I'M ALONE MOS
OF THE TIME.
BUT TONIGHT, A DOUBLE DATE.
WE'LL MAKE IT FUN.
I WILL ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH
A NEW WOMAN AND MY FRIEND RUDY.
OH, LOOK.
RUDY'S HERE.
HE'S EVEN EARLY.
I WILL MAKE LOVE TONIGHT.
I'm a joke.
HEY, KENT, YOU READY FOR OUR
DOUBLE DATE?
YES, VERY EXCITED, BUDDY.
AA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-H!
[ VOMITING ]
AA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-H!
[ VOMITING ]
KENT, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOUR SHIRT.
[ RETCHES ]
IT'S SO PLAIN.
IT'S MAKING ME SICK.
[ VOMITING ]
AND YOU'RE NOT WEARING A
BRO-OCHE.
A BROOCH?
BUT AREN'T THEY FOR WOMEN?
NO, A BRO-OCHE FROM
CINCO MEN.
JAZZ UP ANY PLAIN SHIRT WITH
THE MAN BRO-OCHE FROM CINCO MEN.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.
FIRST, YOUR SKIN IS LUBED WITH A
RELAXING COOLING GEL.
THIS ALSO SLIGHTLY NUMBS YOUR
SHOULDER WHERE THE BRO-OCHE WILL
BE ADHERED.
THEN YOUR TEETH ARE REMOVED.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BITE YOUR
TONGUE OFF FROM THE PAIN.
NEXT, A 4-FOOT REAMING HOLE IS
DRILLED INTO THE SKIN AND BONE.
AND NOW YOU'RE READY TO SCREW ON
THAT BEAUTIFUL MALE BRO-OCHE.
YOU CAN CHOOSE FROM HUNDREDS OF
COOL BRO-OCHES, LIKE THE
PEACE SIGNAL
A MEASURING ROD
AND MY FAVORITE, THE DECORATIVE
MASCULINE FLOWER.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU GOT A NICE SET OF PEARLS
THERE IN THAT MOUTH.
[ CLANKING ]
SEE? IT DIDN'T HURT A BIT WHEN
THEY PULLED THEM OUT.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE'S YOUR BRO-OCHE?
KENT, YOU JUST TOLD ME ABOU
THIS.
I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO GE
THE PROCEDURE YET.
MIMI, I'M A HANDSOME MAN AND
A BRO-OCHE MAN.
ME-ME WANTS A BRO-OCHE.
YOU SHOULD GET THE BRO-OCHE
SYSTEM.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE PLAN FOR
ME.
[ SITCOM-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS ]
Tim: 9.
OKAY, MR. CLOVIS
GOT YOU RIGHT HERE.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE DON'T HAVE ANY
ECONOMY ROOMS.
Tim: PFFT!
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH.
I'LL JUST UPGRADE YOU TO A
STANDARD ROOM, WHICH INCLUDES A
COMPLEMENTARY BREAKFAST AND A
SMALL ORANGE JUICE.
Tim: AHH.
HE'S MR. LUCKY DUCK
THAT'S ONE LUCKY DUCK!
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
WE'RE GRILLING UP DOGS
THE COALS ARE GETTING HO
HOO! HIS MUSTACHE IS THICK
I THINK I LIKE THIS DAD A
LOT
I WOULDN'T MIND PUTTING MY
FINGER THROUGH THAT MUSTACHE.
THIS IS THE BEST DREAM I EVER
HAD ABOUT A BOY.
THESE MEATS ARE SPOILED.
THIS IS ROTTEN MEAT!
THERE'S MAGGOTS IN HERE!
AAH!
HEY, WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH
THIS INTERNET?
IT'S SLOW!
WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS THIS?
DIAL-UP?
WHERE'D THAT MUSTACHE GO?!
WHERE'D HIS MUSTACHE GO?
AAH!
THIS IS A [BLEEP] NIGHTMARE!
WAKE ME UP, HOAGIE MAN!
AAH!
HOAGIE MAN, HELP ME!
[ GROANING ]
HELP ME, HOAGIE MAN!
HOAGIE MAN CAN'T HELP YOU
NOW.
THE DRIVE THIS MORNING WAS
PRETTY GOOD.
IT ONLY TOOK AN HOUR TO GE
HERE.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEY ADDED A
COUPLE LANES, BUT THEY DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING TO THEM.
BUT THEN WHEN I HIT THE 101, I
JUST BACKED UP LIKE THERE WAS NO
TOMORROW.
AND THEN IT TOOK ME ABOU
10 MINUTES TO GET OUT OF THA
MESS.
AND THEN, FINALLY, I WAS ABLE TO
FIND WHERE I HAD TO GO AND THEN
PASSED UP THE STREET ONLY TWICE.
THANKS TO THE GPS, IT GOT ME
BACK AROUND WHERE I NEEDED TO
GO.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
Tim: IT'S A MUSKY TUSK
Eric: MUSKY TUSK
[ SNIFFS ]
Tim: IT'S A MUSKY TUSK
Eric: MUSKY TUSK
[ BOTH SNIFF RHYTHMICALLY ]
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
Tim: THAT'S THE ONE.
Eric: YOU KNOW WHAT, TIM?
FORGET THIS NECKLACE.
YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE
MUSKY TUSK.
IT'S LIKE 10 TIMES MORE LUCKY
THAN ANY OTHER NECKLACE, AND I
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IT'S GREAT.
Tim: LISTEN, I ACCEPT YOUR
APOLOGY, AND YOU ARE A GOOD
FRIEND.
WANT TO ADD THERE IS ONE LITTLE
DRAWBACK TO IT.
I HAVE BECOME A LITTLE ADDICTED
TO RUBBING DEAD ANIMALS ON MY
BODY, THOUGH.
AHH!
[ MOANING ]
YEAH.
Eric: MUSKY TUSK
Tim: OHH!
Eric: MUSKY TUSK
MUSKY TUSK
[ SNIFFS ]
IT'S A MUSKY TUSK
MUSKY TUSK
IT'S A MUSKY TUSK
MUSKY TUSK
Tim: OH, GEEZ.
IT'S A BLOODY MUSKY TUSK.
[ END THEME MUSIC STARTS,
STOPS ]
Eric: NO, NO. NOT YET.
[ BREATHES HEAVILY ]
OKAY, NOW.
IT'S JUST A DREAM
A MOTHER [BLEEP] DREAM
JUST A DREAM OF YOUR
LIFETIME
IT'S JUST A DREAM
A MOTHER [BLEEP] DREAM
JUST THE DREAM OF A LIFETIME
Tim: OH!
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