Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (2007) s05e08 Episode Script
Handsome
1
[ MEWS ]
[ MEWS ]
[ GROWLS ]
[ GROWLS ]
[ PANTING ]
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
Eric: "DEAR ERIC -- YOU ARE
TOTALLY HANDSOME.
LIKE WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY MORE
THAN TIM HEIDECKER.
PLEASE COME OVER AND LOOK AT MY
BAZAANS.
LOVE, KELLY."
Tim: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THERE?
WHAT'S THIS?
Eric: OH, I'M JUST CHECKING
OUT SOME OF MY FAN MAIL.
IT KIND OF CONFIRMS THAT I'M THE
MOST HANDSOME OUT OF THE WHOLE
"TIM AND ERIC" THING.
Tim: UH, WELL, ACCORDING TO
WHAT I KNOW ABOUT OUR FANS,
I'D -- I'D GATHER TO SAY I'M THE
MORE HANDSOME ONE IN THE TERMS
OF WHO'S HANDSOME.
Eric: I'M THE MOST HANDSOME!
Tim: BELIEVE ME -- I WANT THE
BEST THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU,
BUT I'M THE MOST HANDSOME MAN.
Eric: "DEAR ERIC, COME LOOK
AT MY VAG-JOH.
YOU'RE HANDSOME."
ALL THIS -- ALL THIS SAYS THA
I'M A HANDSOME.
Tim: I HAVE 10 TIMES THOSE
AMOUNT OF LETTERS SAYING THA
I'M HANDSOME, BUT WHAT I DO IS I
SCAN THEM IN AND I THROW THE
LETTERS AWAY AND DIGITIZE
EVERYTHING -- KEEP A CLEAN
RECORD OF MY ACCOUNTS.
Eric: TIM, THERE'S A WHOLE
BAG OF THIS TO PROVE IT.
Tim: WELL, LOOK ON MY LAPTOP!
Eric: ALL THIS HANDSOME.
Tim: THAT'S A WASTE.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?
WHY DON'T WE JUST GET A
THREE-PERSON PANEL AND HAVE A
CONTEST AND SEE WHO'S THE MOS
HANDSOME?
MAY THE LUCK OF THE IRISH SMILE
ON YOU.
Eric: GOOD LUCK, TIM.
Announcer: COMING SOON,
"WHO'S NUMBER ONE HANDSOME MAN?"
WITH GUEST JUDGE RICHARD DUNN.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]
I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
AND I KISS MY WIFE
I GO OUT TO MY SHED, AND I
SHARPEN MY KNIFE
CHANGE THE BATTERIES IN ALL MY
REMOTE CONTROLS
CHECK OUT ALL THE LEVELS IN
THE TOILET BOWLS
THIS IS THE SOUND OF
THE PERFECT DAY
IT'S A PERFECT DAY
Both: IT'S A PERFECT DAD
DAY
Tim: YOU GOT A BUNCH OF
[BLEEP] IN YOUR TEETH.
Eric: WHERE?
Tim: ALL OVER. IN EVERY ONE.
YOU GOT BROCCOLI IN THERE.
[ SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! ]
[ CREAK! POP! ]
[ SNIFFS ]
[ SQUISH! ]
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
TODAY WE'RE GONNA DETERMINE WHO
IS THE MOST HANDSOME BOY.
AND TODAY WE HAVE
DIM HEIDECKER AND ERIC WOREHAM.
WHICH ONE OF YOU BOYS IS GONNA
GO FIRST?
Tim: GOOD AFTERNOON.
Eric: THANKS SO MUCH, RICH.
Tim: I'M FIRST.
WE AGREED I'M FIRST.
Both: THANK YOU.
Tim: I'LL START.
MY NAME IS TIM HEI--
Eric: I'M ERIC WARE--
Tim: AH, OKAY.
Eric: HI.
MY NAME IS ERIC WAREHEIM.
I'M THE MOST HANDSOMEST MAN.
UH, MY PARENTS SAID I'M THE MOS
HANDSOME, AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR
MY VIDEO TO PROVE I'M
NUMBER-ONE HANDSY-BOY.
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ Deep voice ] OHHH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
[ Deep Voice ] OH, YEAH!
Eric: OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
Eric: OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
[ Normal voice ] WELL, THERE YOU
HAVE IT.
THAT'S MY ENTRY FOR
"NUMBER ONE HANDSOME BOY."
THANKS FOR RUNNING IN THE RACE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
Announcer: "NUMBER ONE
HANDSOME MAN" WILL BE RIGH
BACK!
HONEY?
HMM?
COME ON, HONEY. WAKE UP.
NO. I'M SO TIRED.
IT'S OUR ENGAGEMENT PARTY.
ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ARE GONNA BE
HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO
ANYBODY.
I WANT TO SLEEP.
[ SIGHS ] FINE.
PUT ON YOUR CINCO FACE TIME
PARTY SNOOZER, THEN.
CINCO FACE TIME PARTY
SNOOZER.
Announcer: IT'S THE CINCO
FACE TIME PARTY SNOOZER!
SLEEP RIGHT THROUGH PARTIES AND
SOCIAL GATHERINGS WITHOUT ANYONE
NOTICING.
MY ACCOUNTANT TELLS ME THAT I
MIGHT BE ELIGIBLE FOR A
436 REBATE NOW
SURE, WHY NOT.
AND AS A SMALL-BUSINESS
OWNER, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU
WANT TO HEAR
I UNDERSTAND.
REBATES
OKAY. THANKS FOR COMING.
Announcer: THE CINCO FACE
TIME PARTY SNOOZER FEATURES FIVE
DISTINCT AUDIO RESPONSES USING
MY PROFESSIONAL VOICE!
AND THE CINCO FACE TIME PARTY
SNOOZER COMES WITH THIS AMAZING
BODY BRACE AND EARPHONES THA
PIPE IN SOOTHING MUSIC SO YOU
WON'T NEED TO HEAR A SINGLE WORD
ANYONE IS SAYING.
[ Softly ] I WAKE UP A
7:30
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ]
Announcer: TAKE PART IN
INTERESTING CONVERSATIONS WHILE
YOU GET MUCH-NEEDED REST.
WE'D BE ON THIS RIVER
OKAY.
WIND AROUND LIKE THIS.
SURE, WHY NOT?
WE HAD OUR
I UNDERSTAND.
PULL IN THE FISH.
I UNDERSTAND.
FLAPPING AROUND
SOUNDS GOOD. OKAY. OKAY.
BUT
THANKS FOR COMING.
WE CAUGHT, MAYBE, I DON'
KNOW, A DOZEN OR SO.
I UNDERSTAND.
BLUE RIVER
OKAY.
REALLY GORGEOUS.
SURE, WHY NOT?
Announcer: IT'S THE CINCO
FACE TIME PARTY SNOOZER!
I UNDERSTAND.
Tim: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MY NAME IS TIM HEIDECKER, AND I
AM MOST HANDSOME.
AND TO PROVE MY POINT, I HAVE
PRODUCED A VIDEO.
AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.
PRESS "PLAY."
YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME
Tim: I'M TIM HEIDECKER.
UM, I'M AN AQUARIUS.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, YEAH
YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME
Tim: I LOVE MY EYES AND MY
LEGS PROBABLY THE MOST.
WHEN I SHOWER, I ALWAYS CATCH
MYSELF LOOKING AT MY BODY IN THE
MIRROR.
AND IT TURNS ME ON.
[ Laughing ] I DON'T KNOW WHA
YOU WANT ME TO SAY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I WANT TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT-OU
TO MIKE ZANETTI FOR CAMERAWORK
ON THIS.
THANKS, MIKE.
Eric: IT'S NOT BAD.
LET IT FLOW
GONNA MOVE YOUR BODY
LET YOURSELF GO
Tim: MY IDEAL DATE WOULD
BE -- UM, UH, IT WOULD BE MY
BIRTHDAY AND MY DATE'S BIRTHDAY,
AND WE WOULD BOTH HAVE A FINE
DINING EXPERIENCE, AND, UH, WE
WOULD END THE NIGHT BY MAKING
LOVE.
LET IT FLOW
Tim: [ SNIFFS ]
WE CAN DO THIS ALL NIGH
FEEL IT NAKED
Tim: THE BLOOD THAT RUNS
THROUGH MY BODY IS -- IS HOT AND
WET AND RED, AND IT WOULD SPILL
ALL OVER YOU.
Eric: SO, YOU CAN STOP.
YOU CAN STOP.
THEY'RE NOT -- THEY DON'T --
NOT INTERESTED.
SO GOOD TO ME
[ APPLAUSE ]
Eric: I JUST WANTED TO SE
THE RECORD STRAIGHT.
I HAD NO HELP FROM MIKE ZANETTI.
I JUST HAD A LITTLE BIT OF
CREATIVE CONSULTING HELP FROM
BILB ONO.
[ WHISPERING LOUDLY ]
BOH BOH, WHO DO YOU FIND THE
MOST HANDSOME?
I FIND ERIC MOST HANDSOME.
Eric: THANK YOU.
AND, BOHDAR, WHO DO YOU FIND
THE MOST HANDSOME?
I FIND TIM THE MOST HANDSOME.
Tim: YEAH! THAT'S MY GIRL.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
Announcer: WHO WILL WIN
"NUMBER ONE HANDSOME MAN?"
COMING UP NEXT.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]
I CLEAN OUT THE GUTTERS
WITH A BIG LONG BROOM
WHILE I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TV
ROOM
WHERE THE KIDS AND THE WIFE
CAN'T BOTHER ME
I CAN WATCH ADULT FILMS WITH
SOME PRIVACY
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
Announcer: GREAT JOB.
AND NOW THE FINAL ROUND OF THE
"NUMBER ONE HANDSOME MAN"
CONTEST.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'M THE
TIEBREAKER.
AND WHAT I COULD DO, I WANT TO
FRENCH KISS EACH ONE OF YOU.
BY FRENCH KISSING EACH ONE OF
YOU, I WOULD KNOW WHO IS THE
MOST HANDSOME.
Announcer: OOH!
TIEBREAKER FRENCH KISS!
Tim: I'M SORRY.
YOU WANT US TO KISS YOU?
ON THE MOUTH? FRENCH S-STYLE?
OH, YES.
JUST BOTH KISS WITH YOUR TONGUE.
Eric: YOU WANT MY SPIT THAT'S
BEEN IN THERE F-FROM LUNCH --
THE "SHAWARMA" AND EVERYTHING?
YES!
Tim: YOU WANT MY PINK TONGUE
TOUCHING YOUR -- THAT YELLOW
MOUTH?
COME AND FRENCH ME, BOYS.
[ Echoing ] COME AND FRENCH ME,
BOYS.
COME AND FRENCH ME, BOYS.
COME AND FRENCH ME, BOYS.
[ LIQUID DRIPPING ]
[ SCREAMS ]
[ MEWS ]
[ MEWS ]
[ GROWLS ]
[ GROWLS ]
[ PANTING ]
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
Eric: "DEAR ERIC -- YOU ARE
TOTALLY HANDSOME.
LIKE WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY MORE
THAN TIM HEIDECKER.
PLEASE COME OVER AND LOOK AT MY
BAZAANS.
LOVE, KELLY."
Tim: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THERE?
WHAT'S THIS?
Eric: OH, I'M JUST CHECKING
OUT SOME OF MY FAN MAIL.
IT KIND OF CONFIRMS THAT I'M THE
MOST HANDSOME OUT OF THE WHOLE
"TIM AND ERIC" THING.
Tim: UH, WELL, ACCORDING TO
WHAT I KNOW ABOUT OUR FANS,
I'D -- I'D GATHER TO SAY I'M THE
MORE HANDSOME ONE IN THE TERMS
OF WHO'S HANDSOME.
Eric: I'M THE MOST HANDSOME!
Tim: BELIEVE ME -- I WANT THE
BEST THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU,
BUT I'M THE MOST HANDSOME MAN.
Eric: "DEAR ERIC, COME LOOK
AT MY VAG-JOH.
YOU'RE HANDSOME."
ALL THIS -- ALL THIS SAYS THA
I'M A HANDSOME.
Tim: I HAVE 10 TIMES THOSE
AMOUNT OF LETTERS SAYING THA
I'M HANDSOME, BUT WHAT I DO IS I
SCAN THEM IN AND I THROW THE
LETTERS AWAY AND DIGITIZE
EVERYTHING -- KEEP A CLEAN
RECORD OF MY ACCOUNTS.
Eric: TIM, THERE'S A WHOLE
BAG OF THIS TO PROVE IT.
Tim: WELL, LOOK ON MY LAPTOP!
Eric: ALL THIS HANDSOME.
Tim: THAT'S A WASTE.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?
WHY DON'T WE JUST GET A
THREE-PERSON PANEL AND HAVE A
CONTEST AND SEE WHO'S THE MOS
HANDSOME?
MAY THE LUCK OF THE IRISH SMILE
ON YOU.
Eric: GOOD LUCK, TIM.
Announcer: COMING SOON,
"WHO'S NUMBER ONE HANDSOME MAN?"
WITH GUEST JUDGE RICHARD DUNN.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]
I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
AND I KISS MY WIFE
I GO OUT TO MY SHED, AND I
SHARPEN MY KNIFE
CHANGE THE BATTERIES IN ALL MY
REMOTE CONTROLS
CHECK OUT ALL THE LEVELS IN
THE TOILET BOWLS
THIS IS THE SOUND OF
THE PERFECT DAY
IT'S A PERFECT DAY
Both: IT'S A PERFECT DAD
DAY
Tim: YOU GOT A BUNCH OF
[BLEEP] IN YOUR TEETH.
Eric: WHERE?
Tim: ALL OVER. IN EVERY ONE.
YOU GOT BROCCOLI IN THERE.
[ SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! ]
[ CREAK! POP! ]
[ SNIFFS ]
[ SQUISH! ]
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
TODAY WE'RE GONNA DETERMINE WHO
IS THE MOST HANDSOME BOY.
AND TODAY WE HAVE
DIM HEIDECKER AND ERIC WOREHAM.
WHICH ONE OF YOU BOYS IS GONNA
GO FIRST?
Tim: GOOD AFTERNOON.
Eric: THANKS SO MUCH, RICH.
Tim: I'M FIRST.
WE AGREED I'M FIRST.
Both: THANK YOU.
Tim: I'LL START.
MY NAME IS TIM HEI--
Eric: I'M ERIC WARE--
Tim: AH, OKAY.
Eric: HI.
MY NAME IS ERIC WAREHEIM.
I'M THE MOST HANDSOMEST MAN.
UH, MY PARENTS SAID I'M THE MOS
HANDSOME, AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR
MY VIDEO TO PROVE I'M
NUMBER-ONE HANDSY-BOY.
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ Deep voice ] OHHH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
[ Deep Voice ] OH, YEAH!
Eric: OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
Eric: OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
[ Normal voice ] WELL, THERE YOU
HAVE IT.
THAT'S MY ENTRY FOR
"NUMBER ONE HANDSOME BOY."
THANKS FOR RUNNING IN THE RACE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
Announcer: "NUMBER ONE
HANDSOME MAN" WILL BE RIGH
BACK!
HONEY?
HMM?
COME ON, HONEY. WAKE UP.
NO. I'M SO TIRED.
IT'S OUR ENGAGEMENT PARTY.
ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ARE GONNA BE
HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO
ANYBODY.
I WANT TO SLEEP.
[ SIGHS ] FINE.
PUT ON YOUR CINCO FACE TIME
PARTY SNOOZER, THEN.
CINCO FACE TIME PARTY
SNOOZER.
Announcer: IT'S THE CINCO
FACE TIME PARTY SNOOZER!
SLEEP RIGHT THROUGH PARTIES AND
SOCIAL GATHERINGS WITHOUT ANYONE
NOTICING.
MY ACCOUNTANT TELLS ME THAT I
MIGHT BE ELIGIBLE FOR A
436 REBATE NOW
SURE, WHY NOT.
AND AS A SMALL-BUSINESS
OWNER, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU
WANT TO HEAR
I UNDERSTAND.
REBATES
OKAY. THANKS FOR COMING.
Announcer: THE CINCO FACE
TIME PARTY SNOOZER FEATURES FIVE
DISTINCT AUDIO RESPONSES USING
MY PROFESSIONAL VOICE!
AND THE CINCO FACE TIME PARTY
SNOOZER COMES WITH THIS AMAZING
BODY BRACE AND EARPHONES THA
PIPE IN SOOTHING MUSIC SO YOU
WON'T NEED TO HEAR A SINGLE WORD
ANYONE IS SAYING.
[ Softly ] I WAKE UP A
7:30
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ]
Announcer: TAKE PART IN
INTERESTING CONVERSATIONS WHILE
YOU GET MUCH-NEEDED REST.
WE'D BE ON THIS RIVER
OKAY.
WIND AROUND LIKE THIS.
SURE, WHY NOT?
WE HAD OUR
I UNDERSTAND.
PULL IN THE FISH.
I UNDERSTAND.
FLAPPING AROUND
SOUNDS GOOD. OKAY. OKAY.
BUT
THANKS FOR COMING.
WE CAUGHT, MAYBE, I DON'
KNOW, A DOZEN OR SO.
I UNDERSTAND.
BLUE RIVER
OKAY.
REALLY GORGEOUS.
SURE, WHY NOT?
Announcer: IT'S THE CINCO
FACE TIME PARTY SNOOZER!
I UNDERSTAND.
Tim: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MY NAME IS TIM HEIDECKER, AND I
AM MOST HANDSOME.
AND TO PROVE MY POINT, I HAVE
PRODUCED A VIDEO.
AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.
PRESS "PLAY."
YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME
Tim: I'M TIM HEIDECKER.
UM, I'M AN AQUARIUS.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, YEAH
YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME
Tim: I LOVE MY EYES AND MY
LEGS PROBABLY THE MOST.
WHEN I SHOWER, I ALWAYS CATCH
MYSELF LOOKING AT MY BODY IN THE
MIRROR.
AND IT TURNS ME ON.
[ Laughing ] I DON'T KNOW WHA
YOU WANT ME TO SAY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I WANT TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT-OU
TO MIKE ZANETTI FOR CAMERAWORK
ON THIS.
THANKS, MIKE.
Eric: IT'S NOT BAD.
LET IT FLOW
GONNA MOVE YOUR BODY
LET YOURSELF GO
Tim: MY IDEAL DATE WOULD
BE -- UM, UH, IT WOULD BE MY
BIRTHDAY AND MY DATE'S BIRTHDAY,
AND WE WOULD BOTH HAVE A FINE
DINING EXPERIENCE, AND, UH, WE
WOULD END THE NIGHT BY MAKING
LOVE.
LET IT FLOW
Tim: [ SNIFFS ]
WE CAN DO THIS ALL NIGH
FEEL IT NAKED
Tim: THE BLOOD THAT RUNS
THROUGH MY BODY IS -- IS HOT AND
WET AND RED, AND IT WOULD SPILL
ALL OVER YOU.
Eric: SO, YOU CAN STOP.
YOU CAN STOP.
THEY'RE NOT -- THEY DON'T --
NOT INTERESTED.
SO GOOD TO ME
[ APPLAUSE ]
Eric: I JUST WANTED TO SE
THE RECORD STRAIGHT.
I HAD NO HELP FROM MIKE ZANETTI.
I JUST HAD A LITTLE BIT OF
CREATIVE CONSULTING HELP FROM
BILB ONO.
[ WHISPERING LOUDLY ]
BOH BOH, WHO DO YOU FIND THE
MOST HANDSOME?
I FIND ERIC MOST HANDSOME.
Eric: THANK YOU.
AND, BOHDAR, WHO DO YOU FIND
THE MOST HANDSOME?
I FIND TIM THE MOST HANDSOME.
Tim: YEAH! THAT'S MY GIRL.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
Announcer: WHO WILL WIN
"NUMBER ONE HANDSOME MAN?"
COMING UP NEXT.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]
I CLEAN OUT THE GUTTERS
WITH A BIG LONG BROOM
WHILE I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TV
ROOM
WHERE THE KIDS AND THE WIFE
CAN'T BOTHER ME
I CAN WATCH ADULT FILMS WITH
SOME PRIVACY
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
Announcer: GREAT JOB.
AND NOW THE FINAL ROUND OF THE
"NUMBER ONE HANDSOME MAN"
CONTEST.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'M THE
TIEBREAKER.
AND WHAT I COULD DO, I WANT TO
FRENCH KISS EACH ONE OF YOU.
BY FRENCH KISSING EACH ONE OF
YOU, I WOULD KNOW WHO IS THE
MOST HANDSOME.
Announcer: OOH!
TIEBREAKER FRENCH KISS!
Tim: I'M SORRY.
YOU WANT US TO KISS YOU?
ON THE MOUTH? FRENCH S-STYLE?
OH, YES.
JUST BOTH KISS WITH YOUR TONGUE.
Eric: YOU WANT MY SPIT THAT'S
BEEN IN THERE F-FROM LUNCH --
THE "SHAWARMA" AND EVERYTHING?
YES!
Tim: YOU WANT MY PINK TONGUE
TOUCHING YOUR -- THAT YELLOW
MOUTH?
COME AND FRENCH ME, BOYS.
[ Echoing ] COME AND FRENCH ME,
BOYS.
COME AND FRENCH ME, BOYS.
COME AND FRENCH ME, BOYS.
[ LIQUID DRIPPING ]
[ SCREAMS ]