Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (2007) s05e10 Episode Script
Man Milk
1
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS STAY
AWAY FROM DISEASE, STAY AWAY
FROM THOSE "HORSE," AND I MADE
UP A SONG ABOUT IT TO KEEP YOU
FROM V.D.
BEGIN!
GREASE, GREASE THE TROLLEY
POLE
STICK IT IN A DOUGHNUT HOLE
THAT WAY YOU WON'T GET HOLE
DISEASE
YOU'LL BE ON TV JUST LIKE ME
NO, SIR!
NO, SIR!
NO, SIR.
NO, SIR.
YOU ARE DISGUSTING,
DAVID LIEBE HART.
HONORABLE DISCHARGE!
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO PLEASURE
MYSELF WITH MY HAND BY STAYING
AT THE -- OUT OF THE SEX
COMMAND.
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
TIM AND ERIC AWESOME SHOW
GREAT JOB!
Tim: AND FROM EVERYBODY
HERE, WE'D LIKE TO WISH YOU A
HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
Eric: HI, HAPPY HOLIDAY
SEASON FROM AWESOME TOWNAND
FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS WITH THE
PRESENTS WITH THE PAP-PAP,
ANDYOU GET YOURSISTER'S
Eric: WAKE UP. COME ON.
Tim: I-I'M TIM. I'M SORRY.
MY NIPPLES ARE JUST SO SWOLLEN
TODAY.
Eric: WELL, I DON'T SEE WHA
THAT HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING.
I MEAN --
Eric: IT'S DISTRACTING ME.
I CAN BARELY READ THE CUE CARDS.
Tim: [ SIGHS ]
LET ME TAKE A LOOK.
Eric: AAH, CAREFUL.
Tim: YEAH, THAT IS VERY
SWOLLEN.
Eric: TRY SLEEPING WITH THESE
THINGS.
Tim: GEEZ. ALL RIGHT.
LET ME JUST TRY TO JUST TAKE
SOME OF THE PRESSURE OFF THESE
GUYS, SO --
Eric: OW!
Tim: ACTUALLY, THERE'S A
LITTLE SCAB ON THE TIP OF THIS.
OH, GEEZ.
THERE'S MILK COMING OUT OF
THERE.
Eric: IT'S JUST MY MAN MILK.
Tim: OKAY.
Eric: [ GASPS ]
Tim: [ SLURPING ]
Eric: [ GROANS ]
Tim: YEP. THIS IS GOOD STUFF.
Eric: IT'S MY MAN MILK!
Tim: WARM.
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ GASPING ]
[ SLURPS ]
Eric: I CAN'T STOP IT!
TIM -- STOP IT!
[ SCREAMS ]
Tim: CUT.
LET ME GET TWO PIECES OF
CHOCOLATE CAKE, ASAP, AND A
GLASS -- COLD GLASS.
[ SQUIRT! ]
[ MILK TRICKLING ]
[ FOOTSTEPS CLANKING ]
[ BEEPING ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ KNUCKLES CRACK ]
[ BEEP ]
GOOD MORNING, PAUL.
WHAT WILL YOUR FIRST SEQUENCE OF
THE DAY BE?
COMPUTER, LOAD UP
"CELERY MAN," PLEASE.
[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
COULD YOU KICK UP THE 4-D, 3-D,
3-D SPEED?
[ MUSIC INTENSIFIES ]
[ SCREECHING ]
GIVE ME A PRINT-OUT OF OYSTER
SMILING.
OKAY.
COMPUTER?
YES?
DO WE HAVE ANY NEW SEQUENCES?
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
HEY, PAUL.
I'M TAYNE, YOUR LATEST DANCER.
I CAN'T WAIT TO ENTERTAIN YOU.
NOW, TAYNE I CAN GET INTO.
[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
COULD I SEE A HAT-WOBBLE?
YES.
AND A FLARHGUNNSTOW?
YES.
IS THERE ANY WAY TO GENERATE
A NUDE TAYNE?
NOT COMPUTING. PLEASE REPEAT.
NUDE TAYNE.
THIS IS NOT SUITABLE FOR
WORK.
ARE YOU SURE?
MM-HMM.
OKAY.
OH [BLEEP]
I'M OKAY.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
EXCUSE ME, PAUL.
YOUR WIFE IS ON THE PHONE.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
I'LL GET IT LATER.
WE HAVE IMPORTANT WORK TO DO.
[ MUSIC INTENSIFIES ]
[ MUSIC SKIPPING ]
Eric: WE GOT AN ITALIAN
MASSAGE.
Tim: OOH, HE'S GONNA BE NICE
AND RELAXED, I THINK SO.
YOU LIKE CHEESE?
Eric: IT'S MOZZARELLA!
Tim: ALMOST LIKE A PIZZA PIE!
Eric: OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU GET A MASSAGE.
Tim: YOU DON'T NEED A CHINESE
MASSAGE.
YOU NEED AN ITALIAN MASSAGE.
AAH!
AAH!
IT'S GONNA MAKE HIM POOP A VERY
A NICE HOT POOP.
IT'S GONNA GET EVERYTHING OUT.
IT'S GONNA BE REALLY NICE AND
STINKY, BUT IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.
Both: SOFTY, SOFTY, SOFTY.
ROPPA! ROPPA! ROPPA! ROPPA!
PLEASE COME TO SAL AND AL.
[ MUMBLING ]
MAKE THE MASSAGE.
I AM NOT WORK HERE.
I AM A CUSTOMER.
[ TABLE CREAKING ]
[ MAN FARTS ]
Both: COME ON DOWN TO
SAL AND AL'S ITALIAN MASSAGE-A.
[ SQUISHING, PANTING ]
Eric: [ LAUGHS ]
Tim: [ LAUGHS ]
HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA
GET OUR FRIENDS FOR THE HOLIDAYS
THIS YEAR?
IT'S ONLY A COUPLE DAYS AWAY.
Eric: I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THAT.
I GOT IT.
A "TIM AND ERIC" HOLIDAY HUG,
FREE OF CHARGE.
Tim: THAT'S THE WORST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD.
Eric: I'M SORRY.
Tim: IT'S NOT A JOKE.
IT'S NOT A GAME. WISE UP.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
WE COULD TAKE THE MILK THA
YOU'RE GETTING FROM YOUR TIT,
THERE, AND WE COULD BOTTLE I
AND GIVE THAT AS A GIFT FOR
FREE.
Eric: I LIKE THAT. GOOD.
UH, ONE ISSUE, THOUGH, IS I
THINK MY TITS CAN ONLY PRODUCE
ABOUT TWO BOTTLES OF MILK, AND
WE HAVE MAYBE 10 FRIENDS.
Tim: I GOT SOME BREAKING NEWS
FOR YOU, FRIEND.
I JUST STARTED LACTATING.
Eric: YOU DID NOT.
Tim: MM-HMM.
COME AND CHECK IT OUT.
Eric: LET ME TAKE A LOOK A
THESE TITS, HERE.
THEY'RE NICE AND SWOLLEN.
Tim: YEAH.
OOH. OW, OW. SENSITIVE.
Eric: LET ME PICK THIS SCAB
OFF, HERE.
Both: OH!
Tim: THERE IT IS.
Eric: YEAH.
[ SLURPING ]
[ SIGHS ]
YOU KNOW, IF WE'RE GONNA BOTTLE
AND DELIVER ALL THIS MILK, WE'RE
GONNA NEED SOME HELP.
Eric: YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY SON KOI IS IN TOWN.
HE CAN HELP.
Tim: KOI'S BACK FROM SCHOOL?
Eric: HE'S RIGHT OVER HERE.
KOI, COME OUT!
Tim: KOI!
Eric: HEY, KOI, COME OUT, AND
KISS UNCLE TIM.
Tim: KOI, COME ON OUT.
Eric: COME ON OUT HERE, KOI.
COME SAY HI TO UNCLE TIM.
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
Tim: KOI, I HOPE YOU DIDN'
GET INTO MY LASAGNA.
WHAT ARE YOU EATING, THERE?
Eric: WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR
MOUTH, KOI?
IF THAT'S YOUR LASAGNA, I'M
REALLY SORRY.
Tim: KOI, DON'T YOU WANT TO
HELP US BOTTLE AND DELIVER SOME
MILK?
Eric: KOI, GET OUT FROM THE
TREE!
HE'S A CUTE BOY.
Tim: YEAH, HE'S A BOY.
OH.
Eric: OH, YEAH.
IT'S A GEYSER.
Tim: OOH, THERE SHE BLOWS.
Eric: [ SLURPING ]
Tim: OOH, OLD FAITHFUL.
Eric: IT'S SO GOOD.
GOOD MAN MILK.
Tim: ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET THIS BOTTLED.
BEN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR
COMING IN ON A SUNDAY.
BIG FANS OF YOURS.
AND, I'M -- YOU KNOW, I'M A
HUGE
Eric: THANKS.
Tim: I DO WANT TO GET YOUR
AUTOGRAPH AFTER WE'RE DONE HERE,
BUT THAT'D BE COOL.
SO, YOU'VE KIND OF REACHED A
PLATEAU AS A SOLO ARTIST.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Eric: WELL, IT MEANS YOU HAVE
CHEECH AND CHONG AND YOU HAVE A
TIM AND ERIC AND THEN YOU HA
BEN STILLERS AROUND HERE, AND
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
A COLLABORATION TO WORK WITH TO
KIND OF PUT YOU UP TO WHERE
SOME OF THE DUOS ARE.
Tim: WE'RE LOOKING TO EXPAND
YOUR BRAND, YOUR NAME, AND
INTRODUCE YOU TO A GUY THAT WE
WORK WITH.
BEN, SAY HELLO.
Eric: BEN HUR.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
Eric: WE'VE COME UP WITH A
LITTLE VIDEO AND A LITTLE JINGLE
THAT WE THINK YOU'LL LIKE
THAT'LL EXPLAIN THIS IDEA FOR
YOU.
Both: BEN HUR
BEN STILLER
BEN HUR
BEN STILLHUR
Tim: TOGETHER FOREVER
OKAY. OKAY. WHAT IS THAT?
Tim: ALL RIGHT.
CAN WE QUIT THE BULL[BLEEP]?
YES OR NO?
Eric: WE'RE LOOKING FOR A
COMMITMENT, FINANCIALLY, AND
ALSO A LEGAL NAME CHANGE FROM
YOU.
SIGN THE DEAL TODAY, AND --
OKAY, WHAT IS THE DEAL?
WHAT IS THE ACTUAL DEAL?
A DEAL TO DO WHAT?
Tim: YOU KNOW, I'LL BE HONES
WITH YOU -- I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
Tim: THANKS FOR COMING IN.
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
Eric: WHERE'S MY CHIPPY?
HOP-HOP. POP, POP, POP.
OH, I MISS YOU.
COME OUT, PLEASE, POPEYE.
[ CHIPMUNK SQUEAKS ]
NO, NO.
[ ROARS, CRIES ]
Eric: THERE'S MY CHIPPY.
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GAME-SHOW MUSIC PLAYS ]
OH!
I'M QUALL.
UM
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET A DAY
PASS, YOU'LL HAVE TO USE YOUR
TAP CARD.
YOU KNOW, IF ONE'S BEEN AROUND
59 YEARS, THERE'S BOUND TO BE A
LEAST A HINT OF MIDDLE-AGE
SPREAD.
I MIGHT BE ABOUT A COUPLE
HUNDRED POUNDS OR SO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH, PAPER TOWELS ALWAYS COME
IN HANDY FOR JUST ANY OLD THING.
I'M QUALL.
HEY, HEY! BEN! BEN!
HEY, MAN.
[ SIGHS ]
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED
BACK THERE.
THOSE GUYS ARE RIDICULOUS.
I AM TOTALLY CONFUSED.
NO, NO. LISTEN TO ME.
I DON'T KNOW YOU FROM ANYWHERE.
BUT, LIKE, I'M SITTING THERE
LOOKING AT YOU, AND YOU WERE
GIVING ME THE
YEAH, YEAH.
I GOT MORE CREATIVELY JUICED
FROM THAT THAN ANYTHING I'VE
DONE IN, LIKE, THE LAST 20
[BLEEP] YEARS, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT ASKING YOU IF
YOU THINK MY CAREER'S PLATEAUED,
BUT I FEEL LIKE I KIND OF HAVE
EMOTIONALLY PLATEAUED
OKAY.
IN MY LIFE.
POSSIBLE.
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD
JUST, YOU KNOW, BE THERE FOR
EACH OTHER AND DO THINGS
TOGETHER THAT SEPARATELY WE
COULDN'T DO BUT TOGETHER
AS A GROUP.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT IT.
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
HI, I'M DR. STEVE BRULE WITH
"WOULDN'T THAT BE COOL?"
IN 1971, BILL GATES INVENTED
MICROSOFT.
WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF I COULD
REMEMBER MY DINGUS PASSWORD FOR
MY E-MAIL?
THAT WOULD BE COOL.
[ WHIRRING ]
[ SLURPING ]
[ HOLIDAY-THEMED MUSIC PLAYS ]
Both: WE PUMP OUR BREASTS
FOR A SEASON OF GIVING
DELICIOUS MILK FOR EVERYONE TO
SHARE
WE ARE KIND AND THANKFUL AND
VERY, VERY THOUGHTFUL
DON'T BE AFRAID OF A LITTLE
BREAST HAIR
OH, BOOBIES, BE FILLED WITH
THE MILK WE ARE GIVING
OH, BOOBIES, BE FILLED WITH
THE GIFT OF THE YEAR
[ SQUEAK! SQUISH! ]
[ GIGGLES ]
LET'S GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE.
ALL RIGHT.
LET ME MAKE A CALL REAL QUICK.
OKAY.
[ CELLPHONE DIALS ]
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
HELLO?
HEY, BRO.
I MET THE HOTTEST BABE TONIGHT.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY BACK TO THE
DORM.
DUDE, I'M HERE TONIGHT.
I TOLD YOU IT'S MY NIGHT TO HANG
IN THE DORM ROOM.
DUDE, IT'S NOT YOUR NIGHT.
IT'S MY NIGHT.
I HAVE A HOT BABE.
IT'S MY NIGHT.
COME ON, DUDE.
I'M CHILLING HERE TONIGHT.
COME ON, DUDE.
SHE'S RED HOT, DRIPPING WET.
COME ON, DUDE.
COME ON, DUDE.
DUDE, THIS BABE IS READY TO
BONE NOW.
COME ON, DUDE.
DUDE, I'M COMING OVER.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
FROM ONE FRESHMAN TO THE OTHER,
I'LL DO YOU A SOLID, BRO.
YOU GUYS CAN COME OVER AND BANG.
I'LL WEAR THE CINCO PRIVACY
HELMET.
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
COME ON, MAN.
CINCO PRESENTS A NEW ROOMMATE
PRIVACY DEVICE, THE CINCO
PRIVACY HELMET.
[ RINGING, BEEPING ]
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ SPRAY HISSES ]
[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]
IT'S RICHARD DUNN'S BALD FACE
PREDICTIONS, WHERE RICHARD DUNN
PREDICTS YOUR SON'S BALD SPOTS.
IF I EXAMINE YOUR BOY HEAD,
I'M GONNA FIGURE OUT WHERE YOUR
BALD SPOTS ARE GONNA BE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE REAL BALD, SON.
[ GROANS ]
MM-HMM.
AH, YES, YES, YES!
I'M NOT JUST A PREDICTOR OF
BALDNESS, I'M ALSO AN ARTIST.
[ RAZOR WHIRRING ]
THIS IS THE BALD SPOT THAT I
PREDICTED FOR YOU.
AM I DONE?
OH, NO, BOY.
WE'RE NOT DONE YET.
I PREDICTED MORE BALD SPOTS.
THIS TIME, IN THE FRONT OF YOUR
HEAD.
[ RAZOR WHIRRING ]
YOU'RE GONNA BE A WEIRD-LOOKING
OLD MAN.
YOU GO HOME TODAY AND TALK TO
YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS, YOUR
MOM, AND SHOW THEM THAT THIS IS
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE AS A
MAN, AND IT AIN'T PRETTY.
YOU CAN COME AND SEE ME EVERY
WEEK, AND WE'LL BALD YOU OUT.
HAIRY LIPS.
EXCUSE ME, PAUL.
YOU HAVE AN INCOMING E-CARD FROM
PIERRE.
[ LAUGHING ]
LOOKING GOOD.
[ LAUGHS ]
MM.
Eric: MY NAME IS
DR. BILL PHLEMN, AND MY BES
FRIEND IS DR. SAM HYNGUS.
Tim: OH, I MET BILL PHLEMN IN
COLLEGE.
WE WERE DORM-MATES.
Eric: WE BOTH SUFFER FROM
POOLS OF BLOOD IN OUR STOMACH.
Tim: THERE'S A SIMPLE WAY TO
TREAT POOLS OF BLOOD IN THE
STOMACH.
YOU JUST SIMPLY BE PROVOCATIVE
AND YOU BE ORGANIZED.
Eric: "BE PROVOCATIVE."
OKAY, I GET THAT.
"BE ORGANIZED." WHAT?
Tim: A SIMPLE WAY TO
DETERMINE IF YOU DO HAVE POOLS
OF BLOOD IN YOUR STOMACH IS TO
TAKE A THIN ROPE, PUT IT DOWN
YOUR THROAT, INTO YOUR STOMACH,
IF YOU COME BACK UP AND THERE IS
BLOOD ON THE TIP
Eric: PROBLEM -- I GOT BLOOD
IN MY STOMACH.
SOLUTION -- BE PROVOCATIVE, BE
ORGANIZED.
Tim: [ LAUGHS ]
Eric: ANY IDIOT CAN DO THIS.
Tim: I HAVE A HARDER TIME
BEING PROVOCATIVE THAN BEING
ORGANIZED, BUT THEY'RE BOTH
IMPORTANT.
Eric: BE PROVOCATIVE -- OH!
BE ORGANIZED. TIGHT.
Tim: FOLLOW MY TWO-STEP PLAN.
IT'S WORKED FOR BILL PHLEMN.
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ MUNCH! MUNCH! ]
[ CRUNCH! ]
[ GULPS ]
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
INTERESTING.
[ SLURP! ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS JAMES QUALL.
I WONDER IF IT IS REALLY A
COINCIDENCE THAT WHENEVER I HANG
UP THE MISTLETOE, EVERYONE
DECIDES TO PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
DID YOU KNOW JESUS WAS PAR
ALIEN AND HUMAN.
HE TAUGHT US PEACE ON EARTH AND
GOOD WILL TOWARD MEN.
CHRISTMAS IS A TIME FOR
GIVING.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YES, IT IS.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
WOW. THANK YOU.
DRINK THAT MILK!
WELL, I GUESS I WILL FOR YOU,
SON.
Eric: [ GRUNTING ]
Tim: OH. UGH.
[ COUGHS ]
ERIC, COME HERE FOR A SEC.
Eric: WHAT'S WRONG?
Tim: THIS MILK IS SPOILED.
I HOPE YOU AND KOI PASTEURIZED
IT BEFORE YOU SENT IT OUT TO OUR
FRIENDS.
Eric: NO, YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA PASTEURIZE IT.
Tim: NO, KOI SAID THAT YOU
AND HIM WERE GONNA GET TOGETHER
AND DO A FATHER-AND-SON ACTIVITY
AND PASTEURIZE THE MILK.
Eric: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Tim: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Eric: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
Tim: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Eric: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Tim: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Eric: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Tim: YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
THANK YOU.
[ SLURP! ]
ICKY. THAT'S NO GOOD.
Both: I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
ROPPA! ROPPA! ROPPA! ROPPA!
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD KID THIS
YEAR?
MM-HMM.
WELL, THEN HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO
YOU.
HAVE A GOOD ONE.
AND WHO'S THIS LITTLE BOY?
COME ON UP.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
WELL, THANK YOU, AND HAPPY
HOLIDAYS TO YOU, TOO.
LOOKS LIKE MILK.
[ GAGS ]
ROTTEN MILK.
HOLD THIS FOR ME, SWEETHEART.
[ SCREAMS ]
[ HOLIDAY-THEMED MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ COUGHING ]
[ COUGHS ]
[ SNIFFS ]
Both: HAPPY HOLIDAYS,
EVERYBODY!
Tim: [ SNEEZES ]
Eric: [ LAUGHS ]
Tim: HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Eric: HAPPY HOLIDAYS,
EVERYBODY.
Tim: WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.
Eric: WE LOVE YOU.
Tim: 1, 2, 3.
Both: HAPPY HOLIDAYS,
EVERYBODY!
WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS STAY
AWAY FROM DISEASE, STAY AWAY
FROM THOSE "HORSE," AND I MADE
UP A SONG ABOUT IT TO KEEP YOU
FROM V.D.
BEGIN!
GREASE, GREASE THE TROLLEY
POLE
STICK IT IN A DOUGHNUT HOLE
THAT WAY YOU WON'T GET HOLE
DISEASE
YOU'LL BE ON TV JUST LIKE ME
NO, SIR!
NO, SIR!
NO, SIR.
NO, SIR.
YOU ARE DISGUSTING,
DAVID LIEBE HART.
HONORABLE DISCHARGE!
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO PLEASURE
MYSELF WITH MY HAND BY STAYING
AT THE -- OUT OF THE SEX
COMMAND.
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
TIM AND ERIC
AWESOME SHOW
TIM AND ERIC AWESOME SHOW
GREAT JOB!
Tim: AND FROM EVERYBODY
HERE, WE'D LIKE TO WISH YOU A
HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
Eric: HI, HAPPY HOLIDAY
SEASON FROM AWESOME TOWNAND
FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS WITH THE
PRESENTS WITH THE PAP-PAP,
ANDYOU GET YOURSISTER'S
Eric: WAKE UP. COME ON.
Tim: I-I'M TIM. I'M SORRY.
MY NIPPLES ARE JUST SO SWOLLEN
TODAY.
Eric: WELL, I DON'T SEE WHA
THAT HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING.
I MEAN --
Eric: IT'S DISTRACTING ME.
I CAN BARELY READ THE CUE CARDS.
Tim: [ SIGHS ]
LET ME TAKE A LOOK.
Eric: AAH, CAREFUL.
Tim: YEAH, THAT IS VERY
SWOLLEN.
Eric: TRY SLEEPING WITH THESE
THINGS.
Tim: GEEZ. ALL RIGHT.
LET ME JUST TRY TO JUST TAKE
SOME OF THE PRESSURE OFF THESE
GUYS, SO --
Eric: OW!
Tim: ACTUALLY, THERE'S A
LITTLE SCAB ON THE TIP OF THIS.
OH, GEEZ.
THERE'S MILK COMING OUT OF
THERE.
Eric: IT'S JUST MY MAN MILK.
Tim: OKAY.
Eric: [ GASPS ]
Tim: [ SLURPING ]
Eric: [ GROANS ]
Tim: YEP. THIS IS GOOD STUFF.
Eric: IT'S MY MAN MILK!
Tim: WARM.
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ GASPING ]
[ SLURPS ]
Eric: I CAN'T STOP IT!
TIM -- STOP IT!
[ SCREAMS ]
Tim: CUT.
LET ME GET TWO PIECES OF
CHOCOLATE CAKE, ASAP, AND A
GLASS -- COLD GLASS.
[ SQUIRT! ]
[ MILK TRICKLING ]
[ FOOTSTEPS CLANKING ]
[ BEEPING ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ KNUCKLES CRACK ]
[ BEEP ]
GOOD MORNING, PAUL.
WHAT WILL YOUR FIRST SEQUENCE OF
THE DAY BE?
COMPUTER, LOAD UP
"CELERY MAN," PLEASE.
[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
COULD YOU KICK UP THE 4-D, 3-D,
3-D SPEED?
[ MUSIC INTENSIFIES ]
[ SCREECHING ]
GIVE ME A PRINT-OUT OF OYSTER
SMILING.
OKAY.
COMPUTER?
YES?
DO WE HAVE ANY NEW SEQUENCES?
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
HEY, PAUL.
I'M TAYNE, YOUR LATEST DANCER.
I CAN'T WAIT TO ENTERTAIN YOU.
NOW, TAYNE I CAN GET INTO.
[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
COULD I SEE A HAT-WOBBLE?
YES.
AND A FLARHGUNNSTOW?
YES.
IS THERE ANY WAY TO GENERATE
A NUDE TAYNE?
NOT COMPUTING. PLEASE REPEAT.
NUDE TAYNE.
THIS IS NOT SUITABLE FOR
WORK.
ARE YOU SURE?
MM-HMM.
OKAY.
OH [BLEEP]
I'M OKAY.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
EXCUSE ME, PAUL.
YOUR WIFE IS ON THE PHONE.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
I'LL GET IT LATER.
WE HAVE IMPORTANT WORK TO DO.
[ MUSIC INTENSIFIES ]
[ MUSIC SKIPPING ]
Eric: WE GOT AN ITALIAN
MASSAGE.
Tim: OOH, HE'S GONNA BE NICE
AND RELAXED, I THINK SO.
YOU LIKE CHEESE?
Eric: IT'S MOZZARELLA!
Tim: ALMOST LIKE A PIZZA PIE!
Eric: OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU GET A MASSAGE.
Tim: YOU DON'T NEED A CHINESE
MASSAGE.
YOU NEED AN ITALIAN MASSAGE.
AAH!
AAH!
IT'S GONNA MAKE HIM POOP A VERY
A NICE HOT POOP.
IT'S GONNA GET EVERYTHING OUT.
IT'S GONNA BE REALLY NICE AND
STINKY, BUT IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.
Both: SOFTY, SOFTY, SOFTY.
ROPPA! ROPPA! ROPPA! ROPPA!
PLEASE COME TO SAL AND AL.
[ MUMBLING ]
MAKE THE MASSAGE.
I AM NOT WORK HERE.
I AM A CUSTOMER.
[ TABLE CREAKING ]
[ MAN FARTS ]
Both: COME ON DOWN TO
SAL AND AL'S ITALIAN MASSAGE-A.
[ SQUISHING, PANTING ]
Eric: [ LAUGHS ]
Tim: [ LAUGHS ]
HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA
GET OUR FRIENDS FOR THE HOLIDAYS
THIS YEAR?
IT'S ONLY A COUPLE DAYS AWAY.
Eric: I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THAT.
I GOT IT.
A "TIM AND ERIC" HOLIDAY HUG,
FREE OF CHARGE.
Tim: THAT'S THE WORST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD.
Eric: I'M SORRY.
Tim: IT'S NOT A JOKE.
IT'S NOT A GAME. WISE UP.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
WE COULD TAKE THE MILK THA
YOU'RE GETTING FROM YOUR TIT,
THERE, AND WE COULD BOTTLE I
AND GIVE THAT AS A GIFT FOR
FREE.
Eric: I LIKE THAT. GOOD.
UH, ONE ISSUE, THOUGH, IS I
THINK MY TITS CAN ONLY PRODUCE
ABOUT TWO BOTTLES OF MILK, AND
WE HAVE MAYBE 10 FRIENDS.
Tim: I GOT SOME BREAKING NEWS
FOR YOU, FRIEND.
I JUST STARTED LACTATING.
Eric: YOU DID NOT.
Tim: MM-HMM.
COME AND CHECK IT OUT.
Eric: LET ME TAKE A LOOK A
THESE TITS, HERE.
THEY'RE NICE AND SWOLLEN.
Tim: YEAH.
OOH. OW, OW. SENSITIVE.
Eric: LET ME PICK THIS SCAB
OFF, HERE.
Both: OH!
Tim: THERE IT IS.
Eric: YEAH.
[ SLURPING ]
[ SIGHS ]
YOU KNOW, IF WE'RE GONNA BOTTLE
AND DELIVER ALL THIS MILK, WE'RE
GONNA NEED SOME HELP.
Eric: YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY SON KOI IS IN TOWN.
HE CAN HELP.
Tim: KOI'S BACK FROM SCHOOL?
Eric: HE'S RIGHT OVER HERE.
KOI, COME OUT!
Tim: KOI!
Eric: HEY, KOI, COME OUT, AND
KISS UNCLE TIM.
Tim: KOI, COME ON OUT.
Eric: COME ON OUT HERE, KOI.
COME SAY HI TO UNCLE TIM.
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
Tim: KOI, I HOPE YOU DIDN'
GET INTO MY LASAGNA.
WHAT ARE YOU EATING, THERE?
Eric: WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR
MOUTH, KOI?
IF THAT'S YOUR LASAGNA, I'M
REALLY SORRY.
Tim: KOI, DON'T YOU WANT TO
HELP US BOTTLE AND DELIVER SOME
MILK?
Eric: KOI, GET OUT FROM THE
TREE!
HE'S A CUTE BOY.
Tim: YEAH, HE'S A BOY.
OH.
Eric: OH, YEAH.
IT'S A GEYSER.
Tim: OOH, THERE SHE BLOWS.
Eric: [ SLURPING ]
Tim: OOH, OLD FAITHFUL.
Eric: IT'S SO GOOD.
GOOD MAN MILK.
Tim: ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET THIS BOTTLED.
BEN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR
COMING IN ON A SUNDAY.
BIG FANS OF YOURS.
AND, I'M -- YOU KNOW, I'M A
HUGE
Eric: THANKS.
Tim: I DO WANT TO GET YOUR
AUTOGRAPH AFTER WE'RE DONE HERE,
BUT THAT'D BE COOL.
SO, YOU'VE KIND OF REACHED A
PLATEAU AS A SOLO ARTIST.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Eric: WELL, IT MEANS YOU HAVE
CHEECH AND CHONG AND YOU HAVE A
TIM AND ERIC AND THEN YOU HA
BEN STILLERS AROUND HERE, AND
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
A COLLABORATION TO WORK WITH TO
KIND OF PUT YOU UP TO WHERE
SOME OF THE DUOS ARE.
Tim: WE'RE LOOKING TO EXPAND
YOUR BRAND, YOUR NAME, AND
INTRODUCE YOU TO A GUY THAT WE
WORK WITH.
BEN, SAY HELLO.
Eric: BEN HUR.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
Eric: WE'VE COME UP WITH A
LITTLE VIDEO AND A LITTLE JINGLE
THAT WE THINK YOU'LL LIKE
THAT'LL EXPLAIN THIS IDEA FOR
YOU.
Both: BEN HUR
BEN STILLER
BEN HUR
BEN STILLHUR
Tim: TOGETHER FOREVER
OKAY. OKAY. WHAT IS THAT?
Tim: ALL RIGHT.
CAN WE QUIT THE BULL[BLEEP]?
YES OR NO?
Eric: WE'RE LOOKING FOR A
COMMITMENT, FINANCIALLY, AND
ALSO A LEGAL NAME CHANGE FROM
YOU.
SIGN THE DEAL TODAY, AND --
OKAY, WHAT IS THE DEAL?
WHAT IS THE ACTUAL DEAL?
A DEAL TO DO WHAT?
Tim: YOU KNOW, I'LL BE HONES
WITH YOU -- I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
Tim: THANKS FOR COMING IN.
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
Eric: WHERE'S MY CHIPPY?
HOP-HOP. POP, POP, POP.
OH, I MISS YOU.
COME OUT, PLEASE, POPEYE.
[ CHIPMUNK SQUEAKS ]
NO, NO.
[ ROARS, CRIES ]
Eric: THERE'S MY CHIPPY.
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ GAME-SHOW MUSIC PLAYS ]
OH!
I'M QUALL.
UM
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET A DAY
PASS, YOU'LL HAVE TO USE YOUR
TAP CARD.
YOU KNOW, IF ONE'S BEEN AROUND
59 YEARS, THERE'S BOUND TO BE A
LEAST A HINT OF MIDDLE-AGE
SPREAD.
I MIGHT BE ABOUT A COUPLE
HUNDRED POUNDS OR SO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH, PAPER TOWELS ALWAYS COME
IN HANDY FOR JUST ANY OLD THING.
I'M QUALL.
HEY, HEY! BEN! BEN!
HEY, MAN.
[ SIGHS ]
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED
BACK THERE.
THOSE GUYS ARE RIDICULOUS.
I AM TOTALLY CONFUSED.
NO, NO. LISTEN TO ME.
I DON'T KNOW YOU FROM ANYWHERE.
BUT, LIKE, I'M SITTING THERE
LOOKING AT YOU, AND YOU WERE
GIVING ME THE
YEAH, YEAH.
I GOT MORE CREATIVELY JUICED
FROM THAT THAN ANYTHING I'VE
DONE IN, LIKE, THE LAST 20
[BLEEP] YEARS, YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT ASKING YOU IF
YOU THINK MY CAREER'S PLATEAUED,
BUT I FEEL LIKE I KIND OF HAVE
EMOTIONALLY PLATEAUED
OKAY.
IN MY LIFE.
POSSIBLE.
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD
JUST, YOU KNOW, BE THERE FOR
EACH OTHER AND DO THINGS
TOGETHER THAT SEPARATELY WE
COULDN'T DO BUT TOGETHER
AS A GROUP.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU GOT IT.
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
HI, I'M DR. STEVE BRULE WITH
"WOULDN'T THAT BE COOL?"
IN 1971, BILL GATES INVENTED
MICROSOFT.
WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF I COULD
REMEMBER MY DINGUS PASSWORD FOR
MY E-MAIL?
THAT WOULD BE COOL.
[ WHIRRING ]
[ SLURPING ]
[ HOLIDAY-THEMED MUSIC PLAYS ]
Both: WE PUMP OUR BREASTS
FOR A SEASON OF GIVING
DELICIOUS MILK FOR EVERYONE TO
SHARE
WE ARE KIND AND THANKFUL AND
VERY, VERY THOUGHTFUL
DON'T BE AFRAID OF A LITTLE
BREAST HAIR
OH, BOOBIES, BE FILLED WITH
THE MILK WE ARE GIVING
OH, BOOBIES, BE FILLED WITH
THE GIFT OF THE YEAR
[ SQUEAK! SQUISH! ]
[ GIGGLES ]
LET'S GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE.
ALL RIGHT.
LET ME MAKE A CALL REAL QUICK.
OKAY.
[ CELLPHONE DIALS ]
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
HELLO?
HEY, BRO.
I MET THE HOTTEST BABE TONIGHT.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY BACK TO THE
DORM.
DUDE, I'M HERE TONIGHT.
I TOLD YOU IT'S MY NIGHT TO HANG
IN THE DORM ROOM.
DUDE, IT'S NOT YOUR NIGHT.
IT'S MY NIGHT.
I HAVE A HOT BABE.
IT'S MY NIGHT.
COME ON, DUDE.
I'M CHILLING HERE TONIGHT.
COME ON, DUDE.
SHE'S RED HOT, DRIPPING WET.
COME ON, DUDE.
COME ON, DUDE.
DUDE, THIS BABE IS READY TO
BONE NOW.
COME ON, DUDE.
DUDE, I'M COMING OVER.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
FROM ONE FRESHMAN TO THE OTHER,
I'LL DO YOU A SOLID, BRO.
YOU GUYS CAN COME OVER AND BANG.
I'LL WEAR THE CINCO PRIVACY
HELMET.
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
COME ON, MAN.
CINCO PRESENTS A NEW ROOMMATE
PRIVACY DEVICE, THE CINCO
PRIVACY HELMET.
[ RINGING, BEEPING ]
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ SPRAY HISSES ]
[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]
IT'S RICHARD DUNN'S BALD FACE
PREDICTIONS, WHERE RICHARD DUNN
PREDICTS YOUR SON'S BALD SPOTS.
IF I EXAMINE YOUR BOY HEAD,
I'M GONNA FIGURE OUT WHERE YOUR
BALD SPOTS ARE GONNA BE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE REAL BALD, SON.
[ GROANS ]
MM-HMM.
AH, YES, YES, YES!
I'M NOT JUST A PREDICTOR OF
BALDNESS, I'M ALSO AN ARTIST.
[ RAZOR WHIRRING ]
THIS IS THE BALD SPOT THAT I
PREDICTED FOR YOU.
AM I DONE?
OH, NO, BOY.
WE'RE NOT DONE YET.
I PREDICTED MORE BALD SPOTS.
THIS TIME, IN THE FRONT OF YOUR
HEAD.
[ RAZOR WHIRRING ]
YOU'RE GONNA BE A WEIRD-LOOKING
OLD MAN.
YOU GO HOME TODAY AND TALK TO
YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS, YOUR
MOM, AND SHOW THEM THAT THIS IS
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE AS A
MAN, AND IT AIN'T PRETTY.
YOU CAN COME AND SEE ME EVERY
WEEK, AND WE'LL BALD YOU OUT.
HAIRY LIPS.
EXCUSE ME, PAUL.
YOU HAVE AN INCOMING E-CARD FROM
PIERRE.
[ LAUGHING ]
LOOKING GOOD.
[ LAUGHS ]
MM.
Eric: MY NAME IS
DR. BILL PHLEMN, AND MY BES
FRIEND IS DR. SAM HYNGUS.
Tim: OH, I MET BILL PHLEMN IN
COLLEGE.
WE WERE DORM-MATES.
Eric: WE BOTH SUFFER FROM
POOLS OF BLOOD IN OUR STOMACH.
Tim: THERE'S A SIMPLE WAY TO
TREAT POOLS OF BLOOD IN THE
STOMACH.
YOU JUST SIMPLY BE PROVOCATIVE
AND YOU BE ORGANIZED.
Eric: "BE PROVOCATIVE."
OKAY, I GET THAT.
"BE ORGANIZED." WHAT?
Tim: A SIMPLE WAY TO
DETERMINE IF YOU DO HAVE POOLS
OF BLOOD IN YOUR STOMACH IS TO
TAKE A THIN ROPE, PUT IT DOWN
YOUR THROAT, INTO YOUR STOMACH,
IF YOU COME BACK UP AND THERE IS
BLOOD ON THE TIP
Eric: PROBLEM -- I GOT BLOOD
IN MY STOMACH.
SOLUTION -- BE PROVOCATIVE, BE
ORGANIZED.
Tim: [ LAUGHS ]
Eric: ANY IDIOT CAN DO THIS.
Tim: I HAVE A HARDER TIME
BEING PROVOCATIVE THAN BEING
ORGANIZED, BUT THEY'RE BOTH
IMPORTANT.
Eric: BE PROVOCATIVE -- OH!
BE ORGANIZED. TIGHT.
Tim: FOLLOW MY TWO-STEP PLAN.
IT'S WORKED FOR BILL PHLEMN.
[ SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH! ]
[ MUNCH! MUNCH! ]
[ CRUNCH! ]
[ GULPS ]
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
INTERESTING.
[ SLURP! ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS JAMES QUALL.
I WONDER IF IT IS REALLY A
COINCIDENCE THAT WHENEVER I HANG
UP THE MISTLETOE, EVERYONE
DECIDES TO PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
DID YOU KNOW JESUS WAS PAR
ALIEN AND HUMAN.
HE TAUGHT US PEACE ON EARTH AND
GOOD WILL TOWARD MEN.
CHRISTMAS IS A TIME FOR
GIVING.
IS THAT RIGHT?
YES, IT IS.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
WOW. THANK YOU.
DRINK THAT MILK!
WELL, I GUESS I WILL FOR YOU,
SON.
Eric: [ GRUNTING ]
Tim: OH. UGH.
[ COUGHS ]
ERIC, COME HERE FOR A SEC.
Eric: WHAT'S WRONG?
Tim: THIS MILK IS SPOILED.
I HOPE YOU AND KOI PASTEURIZED
IT BEFORE YOU SENT IT OUT TO OUR
FRIENDS.
Eric: NO, YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA PASTEURIZE IT.
Tim: NO, KOI SAID THAT YOU
AND HIM WERE GONNA GET TOGETHER
AND DO A FATHER-AND-SON ACTIVITY
AND PASTEURIZE THE MILK.
Eric: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Tim: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Eric: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
Tim: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Eric: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Tim: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Eric: YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
Tim: YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
THANK YOU.
[ SLURP! ]
ICKY. THAT'S NO GOOD.
Both: I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
PASTEURIZE IT.
ROPPA! ROPPA! ROPPA! ROPPA!
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD KID THIS
YEAR?
MM-HMM.
WELL, THEN HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO
YOU.
HAVE A GOOD ONE.
AND WHO'S THIS LITTLE BOY?
COME ON UP.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM TIM AND
ERIC.
WELL, THANK YOU, AND HAPPY
HOLIDAYS TO YOU, TOO.
LOOKS LIKE MILK.
[ GAGS ]
ROTTEN MILK.
HOLD THIS FOR ME, SWEETHEART.
[ SCREAMS ]
[ HOLIDAY-THEMED MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ COUGHING ]
[ COUGHS ]
[ SNIFFS ]
Both: HAPPY HOLIDAYS,
EVERYBODY!
Tim: [ SNEEZES ]
Eric: [ LAUGHS ]
Tim: HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Eric: HAPPY HOLIDAYS,
EVERYBODY.
Tim: WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.
Eric: WE LOVE YOU.
Tim: 1, 2, 3.
Both: HAPPY HOLIDAYS,
EVERYBODY!
WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!