Titan Maximum (2009) s01e04 Episode Script

Went to Party, Got Crabs

Oh, boy! My first party ever and it's the best party in the world! [Scoffs] This jackfest? But this is the "peace feast," celebrating the end of hostilities between Titan and Mars! It's the most important social event of step aside, talking brochure.
Just looking for a cocktail waitress.
And by cock I mean mine, and by "tail" I mean hers.
Would you like a mojito? Great.
Whoa whoa, whoa whoa! I didn't say leave.
That Gibbs fellow gives me the hives.
What is he planning? Yes, well at least he has a plan, which is more than I can say for Titan Force Five.
Don't worry! Let's just say a little bird told me that Titan Force Five has everything under control! Wink.
Winking.
Wink.
And for you.
Oh, look, that little boy from the make-a-wish foundation thinks he's one of us! How cute! So I told the duchess, "forget the soup spoon.
You could use a good forking.
" [Laughter] Your boy's quite a celebrity, Hammerschmiddtt.
He flies combat fighters like Chuck Yeager with bees on his balls and having the Hammerschmiddtt good looks doesn't hurt him any.
Good looks must skip a generation.
You should meet him, now that he's not blowing up your warships for a living.
Troy! Meet Admiral Bitchface.
Sir.
The heir to Hammerschmiddtt motors! I'm honored.
Oh, no.
My son is a crack pilot, but he has the business acumen of a squirrel.
That's why my daughter Tiffany will be taking over.
Enjoy sitting at a desk the rest of your life, sis! I'll be too busy french kissing adventure itself! Good thing you've gotten plenty of practice french kissing your dad's butthole.
Sasha Caylo.
Troy Hamburgerschmiddtt.
Still flying around in that tap dancing rust bucket? Still using dandruff shampoo on your scrote? If you'll excuse me.
This is my song.
[tango] [gasp!] Oh, yeah it's my song too! Ooh! Ooh! This is the way you work a room, Sasha! Go Sasha! Your eyes are on my ass! Your eyes are on my face! Ooh ooh! WOMAN: I don't approve of that.
Oh my God! Is Titan Force Five really here? Well, a little bird told make your bird say where Palmer is! Haha, ladies.
You know, this doesn't come naturally.
It takes thousands of butterfly presses for pec control like this! Who's next? [Squealing] Move!! Enjoy the spotlight while you can, Hummersplirt.
When I catch Gibbs, you'll be yesterday's fishwrap.
Catch him? He's kicking your ass so bad, the only way you'll catch him is if he literally gets his foot caught in your rectum.
Is that your nose hair or have you been snorting pubes? Oh! And let me tell you, VD spreads fast on a submarine cocktail wiener? Um, no thanks Oh! Perhaps you'd like a whore d'oeuvre? Uh, what the hell did you just say to my daughter? Your daughter? Well, I think its safe to say Sasha belongs to the people.
At least the fun parts.
Uh, we've got a faulty service robot up here Ow! [Crowd gasps] Gibbs! What the hell do you want? I'm here to salute you, Admiral! A-bam!! You can't beat four aces.
Dammit, Gibbs! Lookin' good, Jojo! You got any fries to go with that shake? What shake? This one.
[Rumbling, crowd screams] Aw, certain doom sure does suck, doesn't it? It does! It does suck! You have one chance to avoid agonizing death and dismemberment, but you'll have to listen to every word looks like it's Gibbs zero, Titan Force Five.
Congratulations, dip shit.
He's killed us all.
We've been torn away from the docking structure! There's no escape! So let me get this straight, you all choose death? Weird.
Just tell us what you want.
Okay.
You remember as a kid, Christmas morning, how you'd get some super-awesome toy? You'd be dying to play with it but Santa forgot to give you double-A batteries? Oh, I hated that! Well, that is how I feel right now! Because I've got a new toy, and it is the coolest! I've just stolen a cubic ton of hyper-atomic martian fuel! That's a Hammerschmiddtt product, Gibbs.
The fuel's inactive without a molecular trigger-code.
In other words, my double-A batteries.
So here's my proposal and there's my counterproposal.
Zing! My proposal is denied.
My propos foot got your tongue? It's a play on words.
Dammit, Palmer! Give me the codes or die! Jeez! Here's a toast to your face! Mars doesn't negotiate with terrorists! Oh, okay.
Well, I guess I lose, then.
Oh, wait! You've all got about, oh, five minutes before you're sucking down a lava slurpee.
Oh, my goodness! Codes or death, people.
My God, man, where do you store your nukes, in a pagoda guarded by stuffed animals? Oh, are we sharing a blame pizza? There's enough slices for everyone, considering Gibbs is your rogue agent! Gentlemen, gentlemen fine, fine, just relax, I've got the codes right here.
Prime Minister, no! We're Martians, sir! We'll die before we bend over for some terrorist rump-pumping! Troy and his boyfriend make a good point, but you're forgetting one thing Titan Force Five kicks ass! [Cheering] Oh no.
This one's personal, team! I am the sworn enemy of all crabs! Here, here! You two are ridiculous.
Wait! I can't get a lock! This thing has no crotch! Repeat! This thing has no crotch!!! Abort mission! Abort mission! Hope your balls like the taste of lava.
Say, are you sure we don't deal with terrorists? It's in our constitution.
In some obscure subsection, or? In the first paragraph.
Well, fuck.
Why don't they just form Titan Maximum? Because, kids, they're led by an egomaniacal troglodyte who will let you all die in a fiery hell before he shares even one iota of glory.
Titan Force Five is a team, Gibbs.
And they'll beat you as a team.
Make way for the awesome train! Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga- awesooommmme! Palmer! WILLIE: His armor is too strong! [Straining] Palmer! Dammit, people! Start acting like a team! As a team, I think that we should form my idea first! Ooh! They're forming Titan Maximum! It's breathtaking! I guess we'll all just take your word for it, then.
[Over loudspeaker] Attention crab! Put down the convention center! Oh, you son of a bitch! You're about to get punched the fuck out! I l'm blind! My God, it took my eyes! It overloaded our visual systems! I'm recalibrating the main "Eh-beh-beh-beh!" God, I wish the crab had taken my ears.
Oh, my goodness! We're doomed! Woulda been nice to see.
Okay, let's re-evaluate here.
You're out of heroes, out of time, and generally boned.
So, who votes for giving me the codes? Sorry, old boy.
Not happening.
Some things are worth dying for.
I'll take that gallon of molten magma up my anus! Now! Please.
You have your answer, Gibbs.
And I hope you heard it loud and clear.
Gibbs? Prime Minister! Five ten and then a slash.
It might be a backslash.
If one doesn't work, try the other.
Prime Minister, no! What? We voted! Show of hands.
It was this or the volcano, you fool! Eew, yeah.
About that.
It's actually gonna be this and the volcano, I'm afraid.
So double-cross! Enjoy! WILLIE: Systems back online! It was a one-in-a-million chance, but I managed to can we just wrap this up? We're talking buttcrack sweat at rainforest magnitude, people! Push! Push as if saving the day and rubbing it in Troy Hammerschmiddtt's ugly-ass face and lording it over him for the rest of his worthless life depended on it! Titan Maximum just might PALMER: Push! Puush!! Brilliant, Troy! Hey, it's what Hammerschmiddtts do.
Push! Uhh nothing's pushing back.
Did we do that? Noooooooooooooooooo!!! [Chanting] Troy! Troy! Troy! Me! Me! Me! Me! Alright, team effort, right? Let Mars get in on the act, y'know, spirit of the peace feast and all.
Dumb bastard.
After you belly-flopped into the volcano like a drunk frat boy, the Prime Minister gave up the codes.
Thank God the Hammerschmiddtt kid stepped up.
Time for a career change, Caylo! Fighting evil not so much your thing! But we won! Not him! Us! Me! Virtue is its own reward, Sasha.
Ow! Ooh, ooh, excuse me.
A little bird tol' me that you are Titan Maximum.
Oh, did he? Well that little bird told me you're so hot and sexy.
Ooh, and you're a good kisser.
[Thud!] This is the greatest night of my life! Timmy! Good God, what have they done to my sweet, transsexual Timmy?