Titan Maximum (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

To Eris, Human!

[Clanging] What the hell is that? I hear it too! Sasha, can you hear that? [Grunting] I can't believe we got shown up by Troy fucking Hammerschmiddtt, that big walking penis! Arrrgh! You should be kissing that Hammerschmiddtt kid's pasty ass! C'mon, baby, we had that covered.
And I deserve a purple heart for getting between the prime minister's wife and that tray of crab cakes JODl: Uh, Palmer, if anyone gets a purple heart, it's me! [Clicks off radio, sighs] Wait a minute! Huh?! Yeah.
What in the blue hell? Gibbs just stole a detonator module from Oberon.
Oh no.
With that atomic fuel he just took from Mars- yeah, and the codes from that puss-ass prime minister- Gibbs now has a bomb capable of turning a small city into a large, smouldering butthole in the ground.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pay a small Asian woman to beat me for an hour.
But if he just wanted a bomb, why did he steal that coil? Who gives a rat's ass? He's got a giant freakin' bomb now! So, Jodi, how's it feel to have lost your virginity to the modern equivalent of Hitler? Hey! Actually, Gibbs is worse than Hitler.
It's like a dozen Hitlers running a train on you simultaneously well, you'd know about running on a train because you know about some other trains.
Durrr!! Good one Jodi! Hey! I'm your Superior Officer, lieutenant junior grade! Superior this.
Heyo! Bad slut! Bad! Bad! Bad! Uh! Ow! All right, bitch! You wanna do this? Ow! You dumb ho! Hey! [Growls] You fight like such a girl! Damn it! That is it.
Is that how it's gonna go? You are gonna get it! gonna shove her head up her own ass, make her pee in her mouth Babycakes been beggin' for a sweet knee to the skunk basket [muffled] Been asking for it, I'm gonna give it to her.
Whoa! Oof! Whoa, We have a breakfast nook? Agh! Bitch, bitch, bitch! Ladies, ladies! Come on.
You're both right! Jodi, the only man capable of humping the starch out of your shorts was a murdering sociopath.
Sasha you're a huge raging bitch.
Hmph! Am I the only professional on this entire freakin' robot? Oh, come on! Are we really out of cream cheese? [Grunts] [Groans] Stupid [sighs] Great.
I'll eat it dry! Fucking thing! Hey did Jodi just leave? She better be on a cream cheese run is I'm gonna say.
Um, 'kay.
But listen! I might know how Gibbs is manipulating those monsters! Every single monster emits the same frequency! And when I re-broadcast that frequency, I get what's called a "ping" Oh, God.
Less words, Willie! Eris.
The exact same signal is coming from Eris! Dear God.
Didn't you guys have a mission on Eris once? Found it! Behind the baking soda.
That effing baking soda! Does that even work? Those baking soda people, they're the real criminal masterminds.
JODl: see if I spend my whole whole freakin' career trapped in a tin can with a douche slut monkey nerd.
This, uh, sucks.
Yeah, property's dirt cheap 'cause the air scrubbers can't overpower the methane.
So the whole planet smells like a cow's asshole and girls won't move here.
Ooh! Lookey lookey! Looky looky! Big flyin' man! Mades out of metal! That's Titan Maximum, professor Cornswaggle.
I'm beginnin' to believe that professor title was self-appointed, quite frankly.
Want to know what I wished? That you didn't hit that duck? No l! Oh go- You ass! Ow! So violent.
And so hot.
You deserve it, you're kind of a jerk.
But only kind of.
Like half-jerk, half-cute.
Maybe sixty-forty.
Want to know what I wished for? Like I can't guess.
You egomaniac.
[Gasp!] Oh, let's not get all trigger-happy.
I've only got the one eye left.
Are you here to kill me? Aw, c'mon.
I'd never hurt my little Jojo.
Hurting people seems like your new career, you dickhead! I hurt 'em, you save 'em.
That's called synergy.
You killed people! You betrayed us! And now you have a bomb! All that, plus I gave up chocolate, so it's been a very full year.
How can you joke? Look, I'm here to set the record straight.
But since the entire solar system wants my nuts in a vise, I'd really rather chat on the ol' Gibbsmobile.
Okie-dokey! Have it your way, sister.
Answers to all your questions, exiting, stage left.
Try it, Gibbs.
Try to leave.
I'll blow you out of the sky.
Ha ha.
Not without your keys.
Son of a bitch! Ugh, it smells like crap pizza.
Whatever's pinging us is right over Whoa! W-w-wait-wait, we really shouldn't tamper with a oops, doing it anyway.
We are not alone.
[banjo playing] What was that? The worst sound your anus ever heard.
Jodi, back on lo, I put you in danger and I know that's not sexy.
What are you after? Money? Power? Some sick thrill? Huh, that sounds like my Christmas list.
But, c'mon, you know that's not really me.
You know what kind of an awesome dude I am, Jodi.
What I believe in.
What I stand for.
A woman like you a woman like me, what? A woman like you wouldn't give me a second thought otherwise.
Or the time of day.
Or that fine, fine booty.
[Scoffs] Please.
I know I look like the king of all nutsacks right now.
But when the dust settles, you'll see I did what I did for the greater good.
But what the hell I knew my life was gonna get straight-up monkeyballs.
I had to put serious distance between us.
To protect me.
You'll see.
Please, just trust me.
I I No.
The things you've done.
I'm stopping you.
Right now.
[Chuckling] PALMER: Uh, greetings, space-hicks.
We carry no government cheese.
We ain't lookin' fer trouble, just give us the girl and y'all can be on yer way.
Ha! Not in your wildest in-bred hick fantasy, you skunk-humper! Not you, fuggo.
The pretty one.
Aw, they think I'm pretty.
Ha! She's all yours! Zipper! Ah, whoa whoa whoa.
Sorry, folks.
Rule number one: "Nobody takes your little bro's ass virginity.
" It's still intact? Cha-ching! You have something in your teeth, there.
My fist! Your new name is Banjo Balls! Yah, how's that feel, ya dumb hick! Oh! Hey, I was just joking around.
Gah! Ohh! Aaaaaaaaahhhh! Sexy! Wait! What are you doing? Yeah, Hick! [Goofy laughter] Oh no! The evidence! Ow! [Laughing] Oh.
Um uh, hi! Sorry about your ship! And your face.
And you being dead.
Uh, now what do I save? What do l Aaahh!! Ow! That's hot! Ack! All right Aaaahh! Aha! There.
I hope it's cool if I Aahhh! Leon! C'mon, baby I'm sorry! You went too far! I can't do this without your help! I said I need you, Jojo.
No! [Panting] Please.
SASHA: Aw, man! Those hicks got my radio! My new album was in there! Guess I'll have a ton of new fans.
Goodbye, alien ship.
So much we could have learned.
We escaped without any redneck seed on us or in us, Willie.
That's victory enough.
Where the hell was Jodi while we were punching the sheep semen out of those dirtballs? Flying around with one arm makes us look like a bunch of frickin' yutzes! Even with one arm, we can save the universe first, scratch our balls second.
Who else are they gonna turn to? Sir? It's Titan.
Admiral! Always a pleasure.
Are we still on schedule? My good sir, you're talking to a Hammerschmiddtt.
We're whipping the schedule like an uppity rent boy.
Dad! You have got to stop using that metaphor.
How about you, Junior? Ready? If dad can build it, I can fly it.
To think, Gibbs' true legacy could be accomplishing what no "peace feast" ever could uniting Mars and Titan to whip him like an uppity rent boy.
Dad! So Does this mean you trust me? [Giggles] Oh, no.
Everybody on the dance floor Take my hand, cause the plan Is to make you my man We'll have fun When your big gun gets all shooty Take your aim, have no shame My heart is stain-resistant You're fully cocked The target's locked On this rock hard booty Booty Booty Booty Booty Booty Booty Booty This album sucks.