Titan Maximum (2009) s01e09 Episode Script

One Billion Dead Grandparents

REPORTER: That's the live shot from Mercury, and that's enough to make your sphincter lock up in sheer terror.
Just moments ago, Titan Megamum, piloted by notorious douchebag Gibbs, entered that generator with an atomic bomb.
A D-bag with an A-bomb.
Chip, what does that mean? It means Mercury's in deep S-word, Coop.
Those generators power the solar shield, which keep the sun's heat from exploding everyone's skulls like a microwaved toad.
If just one of those beams fails, Mercury burns like my record collection after my ex-wife caught me with the Nanny.
So many souls would perish that God himself would scream in agony.
Looks accurate, Chip.
Robotics expert Bud Freewell joins us now.
Why is Titan Maximum just standing there with its thumb up its butt? That energy beam is just too powerful for a dinosaur like Titan Maximum, as we've already seen.
So in your professional opinion Titan Maximum has no choice but to pack it in and go home.
I'd stake my entire career on it.
[Chanting] Wil-lie! Wil-lie! Wil-lie! Wil-lie! Don't fuck this up, Willie! Hey, don't forget Leon! Mon-key! Mon-key! Here we go! Wil-lie sucks! Wil-lie sucks! Guys It's working! We have forward shields at 500% for only 15 seconds! You hear that, Gibbs? 15 seconds until- more like 12 now.
Twelve seconds until we kick 500% of your ass! Well, it was a good, long career.
It took years to build and seconds to destroy.
Hey, hey, you're not really- [gunshot] [Screaming] The heat It's-it's incredible! Are you stripping? Oh, it's on, bitch! Put your top back on! We're missing it!!! What? [Crash!] [Coughs] I wouldn't, Jojo.
[Gunshots] Firing an energy weapon? Down here? I thought you went to college.
Maybe that was a different ex- girlfriend I broadcast myself having sex with.
So wait, I have to beat you to death with my bare hands? Bonus.
Now now now, don't be mad, Pooky.
Can't you give me points for creativity? I knew you'd spot my ship modifications and think I was on Mercury.
I knew a little sex scandal would get you kicked off this puritanical planet.
And I knew they'd replace Titan Maximum with Titan Megamum The exact tool I needed to plant my bomb! Come on! Give it up for ol' Gibbsy! Ruining my life was worth it? Oh, no.
Ruining your life was icing! And you knew, you just knew you'd seduce me, huh? No, I was only 99% sure.
That's why I had a little backup, hiding on my ship.
Me!!! I watched you the whole time! Oh my God.
She looks eight, but she's really 21, so, it's cool.
It's still not cool!!! Ooh, pretty.
[Coughs] My spine feels ouchy.
So that's why he needed the insulated coil! Oh no! Leon, we've got to shut off the bomb, or we're all dead! And Mamo and Bampo, and a billion grandparents! And any chance I have at touching Sasha's left or preferably right boob! Come on! [Grunting] Dammit! Pow! You're dumb! I like cute things, and you're not cute.
I hate cute!!! Well, I think I proved my point.
Time for a graceful exit.
Ooh! Guess I just gave your balls the finger.
A nutshot and a quip.
What a perfect way to summarize your entire career, Palmer.
Yep, you could say that's me in a nutshell! It's impossible to hate you more.
Oowwww!!! Oh Leon, how're we gonna diffuse the bomb if we can't even touch it? [Both grunting] I can't believe we used to be buds! We were never "buds," you egomaniacal dolt! But you were a true friend! We're caught in a tractor beam! It's locked onto me! Countermeasures aren't working! We'll have to reverse course and attack the ship.
There's no time.
If we wait even a moment longer I'm going to be late for a smoking hot date.
Oh, you mother It took me two months to get home! I had to make a mock pistol out of instant potatoes and shoe polish, take hostages, and simultaneously ward off the advances of the Captain's sizeable daughter and hitchhike the entire 800 million miles home on a garbage scow! That infernal woman still writes me letters filled with misspelled erotica! And I finally got back to base on my birthday which you'd completely forgotten! Whoa, I said we were buddies, I never said we were married.
[Groans loudly] Hee hee! Your gun broke But my sword still works! Maybe you'd be cuter if you were shorter! Mnh-mnh.
Sowwy.
Yah!!! [Screams] Aw, crackers.
Aw crackers! Here's what I think of your face! Awh, fuck you, you, imprint! [Both grunting] Now you're gonna get even less cute! If that's even possible! What the Owwww!!! Um, thanks everyone for pulling me out of the burning wreckage! Leggo my haaaaaiirrr!!! Oh, Clareykins, why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?!? I'm nooooottt!!! Wow.
Holy crap.
[Stammering] [Grunting] [Stammering] Gotcha! Why are you hitting yourself? [Stammering] Wait a minute! Leon, we've got to get that sword! You like to be hit, huh? You'll kill us both, you asshead! Or you could just die enough for the two of us! [Screaming] [Distorted screaming, blows landing] Get out of the way! Damn it, Leon! Go play with the monkey! Leon is the monkey.
Even I know that! M-m-made it.
Aw, man! Ow! We've got to work together! Wrong, stupid! We need to cheat! Just listen for once! Two against one, but I'm still the bestest! Zoink! That's cheating! You're not supposed to- Owww! Sasha! That's it! We need to cheat And work together! Hey! You're not supposed to fight dirty! I'm too cute! Tell them in hell.
[Screaming] Wow! This sword is made of aggregated diamond nanorods! Hyperdiamonds! The hardest substance there is! Ha ha! Problem solved! Ooowwww!!! [Grunting] It's like I know every combo in the game and he just keeps hitting the "A" button! Facepunch! Facepunch! Facepunch! Come on, Jodi.
You know you want to.
Not you, Jojo, you were raised better than this.
That's what makes it fun.
Aaaagh! I think one of them went up into my pelvis [straining] Mamo Bampo I love you! [Grunts] Huh? Double-oh six? Awww, that was almost a lot cooler.
Oh my gosh! I did it! Everyone! I did it!!! We're saved! Barn door, Willie.
Aw, crap.
We beat you, Gibbs.
No duh.
And the most important thing is, we did it together.
And even more importantly than that, we did it together with me telling everyone what to do.
The team is always stronger than the individual.
That was your fatal flaw.
We replaced you with a friggin' monkey and still beat your sorry ass.
We replaced Spud with the monkey.
We replaced Gibbs with the nerd.
Yeah! That's how lame you are, you got replaced by me! Hey, where did Gibbs go? So long, buttholes! Enjoy your teammate friendship asslicking kumbaya bullshit while I just go ahead and win! In retrospect, we dropped the ball on that one.
Willie! Is there anything you can do? [Stammers] Okay.
Time to improvise.
Cool! Just like "speed racer"! Flight capabilities are shot.
Something's jabbing me in the butt! Get your boobs out of my face, Grody! Computer, snap a photo of that action.
Are you fucking crazy?!? Hang on! Um, what's happening? C-computer? Snap a photo of this action SASHA: That ain't good.
Forecast seems a little off today.
[People screaming] Look what you did, Jodi.