Titan Maximum (2009) s01e08 Episode Script

Mercury Falling

I went ahead and set all the radio stations for you.
Hope you like music that kicks ass.
And I hope you like one solar system, under Gibbs, indivisible, with liberty and justice for fucking nobody.
Eh, I could take it or leave it.
[Laughing] Slow your roll, Gibbsy.
I get Hammerschmiddtt Motors, you get the robot.
That's the deal.
Oh, Troy.
So sentimental.
I risk my ass flying daddy's inventions my whole damn life and he gives the keys to the corner office to my stupid sister? Ain't.
Do I get a pwesent too? Aww, you can have any dolly you like.
I'm gonna need a black eye or something.
Gotta pretend I put up a valiant struggle.
I thought I'd leave that to the solar system's greatest assassin.
That's me! [Blows landing, grunting] Jodi! You can't just arrest her! We can't? Did you hear that, Barry? The rule of law is null and void! Chaos rules supreme! I'm gonna spray-paint my name on the Pope! I'm gonna fill my convertible with raw hamburger and drive to the mall naked! Jodi, I'm sorry- I'll be alright, Willie.
Thanks for being my friend.
I'm gonna dig up Marilyn Monroe, turn her ribcage into a xylophone and play show tunes! Oklahoma! I'm gonna pee in a bottle and mail it to a bear! Palmer, we've got to do something! Did you hear that, Sasha? Free Will is null and void! But Jodi's our teammate! Not if we don't have a team.
Here's to the end of Titan Maximum! I hear 2010 was a very good year.
Admiral! You need to see this! It was Gibbs he had the access codes.
I didn't stand a chance! Ha! Troy's such a putz! Hammerschmiddtt was quickly awarded the medals of honor, freedom, valor, unity What?!? Fuck that shit! See? That's what you get for kicking us to the curb, Admiral jerkass! Okay, minimum-wage monkey wrench guy, change of plans.
We're off to save the solar system while you guys go over there, out of my way, do whatever you want to do.
I don't know, tighten each other's nuts.
Sorry, sir, we have our orders.
Seriously? Okay, you really better get outta the damn way.
Or what, sir? Oh, I hate to be rude, but there's something in your teeth.
What? My fist! The Megamum robot is cutting down the military with ease! Incredible destruction! Please take me back to the hangar! We have to get back to Mercury, it's the only hope they have! Yeah, we could do that, but yeah, we're not gonna do that.
Maybe if you wished real hard, it would happen.
BOTH: Wish! Wish! Wish! Wish! [Jodi grunts] How about a fist-head screwdriver? Ha ha! Get it? What do we do? Should we help? Bounce, motherfucker, bounce! Uumm, let's fix the ships instead.
Okay, guys, you're doing this wrong! I can only punch one of you at a time! Pfft.
You missed his crotch.
MAN: My toolbox! I'm re-encrypting our command codes so Titan Megamum won't be able to override our controls again! You might be wondering how I accomplished this.
Sweet crackers, nothing puts me to sleep like the sound of your voice.
I take that back.
Hand jobs.
Guys, I'm so sorry for what I did.
I betrayed your trust, and even if I apologized a thousand times aw, pish-posh applesauce, Jodi.
Apologize for what? Leaving us to drown in unwashed rednecks on Eris while you got kissy-kissy with the Duke of Dickbags? Or was it backstabbing the team while a homicidal maniac stabbed you from the back with his love-sword? I certainly don't need an apology, do you, Sasha? Hey, you know what, Palmer? You and your stupid brother need to back the hell off! Wait, what? But I didn't I've slept with plenty of people I shouldn't have, and yeah, statistically a few of them must have been homicidal maniacs.
I mean, do the math.
So if you're gonna keep holding this over Jodi's head, you might as well kick me off the team, too! Wow thanks, Sasha [mocking] Oh, wow, "Thanks, Sasha! Duuurrr!" I'd rather bathe in a tub of my own hot vomit than get all chum-buddy with you, Grody, but if there's anything in this life that I stand behind one hundred freakin' percent it's the right to sling your vagina around any damn way you see fit! Okay, okay! Report, General! Where's he going? He's headed for the caloris solar shield generator, Mr.
Homeowners' Association President.
Robots! Shoulda banned 'em years ago! Tin in the shape of people! Bad idea! Making 'em walk and fly? Worse idea! Say why isn't that son of a bitch flying? Because as long as he stays on the ground with that bomb we can't even dream of shooting at him.
"Clever"? You gonna stop him or blow him? Mobilize the generator's defense personnel! That'd be Phil.
PHIL: [Snoring] [Farts] Huh? What's that? One man?!? The shield generators can withstand anything! We don't even need Phil.
If the solar shield loses integrity, it'll be like kissing your sister if your sister was the fucking sun! He'd have to enter the generator to do any real damage, and the only way inside is through the energy beam! There's no way he or the bomb could survive those temperatures! Yes, no way at all.
Unless, of course, he had a robot specifically designed to withstand those temperatures, and a bomb outfitted with an insulated coil Oh wait! He does! You may now commence the utter and total crapping of your drawers.
He wasn't kidding about those drawers.
To mark such a historic day, we should give these news jackals a photo op worthy of the front page! That's right, fools! Remember this moment forever! Clang! You idiotic spunk buckets! I was holding a freaking nuke! Well, now you're holding a one-way pass to my-foot-in-your-ballsville! Gah! I always knew you had your head up your ass, Palmer Now let's see your robot do the same thing! Willie! I thought you fixed this! Hang on! I'm adding processor power to my counter-code! Please tell me our robot's head is not about to go up its own butt.
WILLIE: It's working! High five! Oh.
Yeah! Well well Puppy learned a new trick! Dude, you suck and your plan is dumb.
Um, whatever it is.
It's simple.
I'm charbroiling a billion grandparents.
Genocide, Gibbs? You can't mean that.
Genocide? Pfft.
Please, the median age on Mercury is 85! It's more like euthanasia! But- I want control of the whole damn solar system all of it! If anyone ever doubts that i'm serious as hell, they can remember the french-fried remains of all these grannies and grampies.
Deny me what I want, there will be consequences.
Willie, activate all our awesome crap! Uh, okay.
Hold on.
[Stammering] Yeah! Yep.
Plan B Run like a bitch! [Lasers firing] Palmer! Fall back immediately! Reinforcements are on the way! Don't screw this up! Too bad, Admiral, that's exactly what we're gonna do! We're the Cavalry now! [Footsteps approach] Not on my watch, ya big metal galoot! [Fading] This still beats alzheimer's! Air my naked ass on TV, I'll take your head and put the crack on your face to beat your ugly skull [gibberish] Damn.
Your grandparents are about to turn into human briquettes, and I really, really want you to live long enough to see it.
But you idiots make it so damn tempting to kill you! Hoooo! A lot of my dates end this way.
[Crash!] I think my shin touched my ear! So long, you ridiculous assho! Well, I think we proved our point.
We can't give up! We've got to go after him! I'd rather die on my way to kick somebody's ass than die waiting around with my thumb up my butt like Jodi on prom night! Yeah! Bitch! Willie, what are the odds Maximum could make it through that beam without all our genitals fusing into glass? Um zero percent.
Zero zero, or "I'm a wah-wah sissy baby and I want my blanky and my baba" zero? Which one? I'm just curious.
Well, if we take into account the thermal conductivity number! .
Titan Maximum! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaggh!!! PALMER: Well, Mamo and Bampo had a good life.
Who wants to go get a corndog?