Titan Maximum (2009) s01e07 Episode Script

Megamum Overdrive

Woman: Oh, all right! Hold your horses, for crap's sake! Whadda you want? What is it?! Ma'am, we have reason to believe your grandson, Gibbs, is on Mercury.
I told you ten times already, that boy'd sooner cut off his own arm than call his grandmother! Well, isn't that always the way? You know, my own grandchildren haven't visited in, I'd say about Yep, cold and alone, that's me.
Third time this week! What, do I have an asshole tree in the front yard I don't know about? Oh my! JODI ON TV: This isn't right! GIBBS: What about this way? JODl: Oh, that is right What is this filth?! Hey! I was watching that! Children shouldn't watch garbage.
Go wash your hands for dinner.
But we're missing it! Don't worry, we're the only ones in the universe not watching Jodi betray her friends with her clitoris.
They're just wrestling, Willie How come we never wrestle like that anymore, dear? Uh If that's wrestling, Gibbs is really, really trying to tap out.
With his balls.
[Moaning, grunting on tv] Sir, a new sex tape has been released! Gary, I don't need to be updated every time Sasha makes a terrible life choice No, sir! Not your daughter! Jodi? Bring me a presidential sock.
Oh! My God.
When did you? Huh.
Wa what? Ha.
That was years ago! Look at me, I'm a newspaper face! Does this turn you on? Um, I guess? "Gibbs attacks IO"? That was yesterday!!! Ohhhhhm, ho ho ho! You've been a bad girl, Jodi Yanarella! Slut! Whore! Harlot! Bad girl! I don't approve.
Suddenly every hair on my body is standing on end.
Yep every hair.
I don't think we're welcome on this planet anymore.
Listen up, ladies! There's a giant robot on our lawn! Who's allowed on our lawn? Nobody! What'll we tell 'em? Get the hell off of our lawn! Damn right! And we're gonna Bingo?!? You're on latrine duty, mister! Me and Buzzard are the best chance you've got against Titan Maximum.
You should have thought of that before you and your copilot tag-teamed my daughter! She's 58, General.
You know what they say "If there's snow on the field, plow it from both ends!" Ha ha ha! When this is all over, you've got a date with a court martial! But but you're the best damn pilot we've got.
Now get to your ship! MAN ON TV: Last night Doris and I had the steamiest night of our lives! Doris died a week ago.
My point still stands.
Ugh, can we watch anything besides soap operas by old people, for old people? Cartoons are bad for you.
I didn't say "cartoons!" I'm not eight years old anymore! Maybe I'd change it for a grandchild who sent a card once in a while.
My salisbury steak is still frozen in the middle.
And the edges.
Owwww! Children should be seen and not heard.
Okay.
Dinner's been fun, grandma.
We're gonna use your garage now.
As long as you don't touch my collection of ceramic clowns.
Like I would! [Humming] Are you skipping? It's like I can't help it! I'm just so happy! I'm picking up a massive whore approaching, Willie.
Set our whore shields to full power.
Palmer I was talking about you, Jodi! You're the whore! This isn't even on.
It's not what it looks like! Oh yeah? What was he really doing, Jodi, giving you a strep test? Maybe she had to wrestle Gibbs to find out where he was going! She had to give him the I feel dumb even saying that you should.
What are those decrepit old corpses up to? Everyone to their ships! We'll deal with you later.
And by "deal with you" I mean replace you with someone who knows the difference between "arresting" someone and "blowing" them.
Titan Force Five! You are ordered to leave the planet immediately! Are you dumb fossils hard of thinking? If we leave, Gibbs has the planet to himself! We can handle anything that comes our- come on, when was your last right turn? Ten miles ago? Turn your blinker off! Aw, dammit.
Palmer! Stand down and retreat! Ha ha ha, that's hilarious.
Leave the comedy to me, Admiral! Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Boom! That's comedy.
Now tell these bonebags to step aside so we can capture Gibbs! Gibbs has already compromised your team with his wang! Return to Titan for immediate reassignment! I'm not coming home without Gibbs' taint in my glove box! Palmer out! Enough foreplay, team! It's time to form Titan Maximum! Well, that transformation sequence always takes about 30 seconds.
Get me Bingo! Sky ops to rogue wolf, you are "go" to engage target.
Copy that.
You feelin' it, Bingo? Yep, I'm feelin' the need BOTH: The need to pee! Ahhhhhhhh Dammit! Where's Rogue Wolf? All right, it's hero time! Just let me flush the waste reservoir! Remember, they swapped the flush lever with the eject Aah! Buzzard! Sweet, beautiful Buzzard.
You shot down our best pilot! Blow them away! My God We're at war with Mercury! Wait five seconds, Captain.
Eight hundred tons of cease-fire is gonna land right abouuuuut WILLIE: Palmer! I've picked up an unknown bogey, and it's coming in fast! Is it Gibbs? Let's find out.
Jodi, are your nipples hard? Shut up.
No.
Now.
What the hell is that? My sensors are picking up quadplex military systems.
It's Martian! My sensors are picking up five dumb assholes in a sardine can.
It's Titan Maximum! I know that voice like a scrotum howling on a cold winter's night It's Troy Hammerschmiddtt! Titan Maximum, say hello to Titan Megamum! The most advanced robot ever built The perfect match for the most handsome pilot ever born! Titan "Megamum"? "Megamum" isn't even a word.
Neither is "vaginacillin," but that didn't stop you from using it as the title for your third album Or your fragrance line.
Wait! Wait, wait! Hammerschmiddtt Motors was barred from building war machines after the Mars-Titan peace treaty! A-ha! You're breaking interplanetary law, buttplug! So are you! Dad didn't build Titan Megamum for Mars.
He built it for Titan.
What?!? That's right! A Mars-Titan co-production, created to crush Gibbs and replace you.
The way Sasha replaced her soul with a vacuous need for fame and penises.
Replaced, huh? Willie, call HQ and tell them we accidentally jammed their new robot's legs into its fucking eyes sockets! Please, there isn't a move you can make I haven't predicted.
Oh, really? Did you predict this? N no! Welcome to your worst nightmare, Sasha Caylo.
A crotch you can't touch.
There's no such thing! I could do this all day, but my foot has a date with Gibbs' ass.
WILLIE: We're getting digitally violated! Uh.
I'm completely locked out! Arrrrrrgh! Bitchface gave him our command codes! Start squealing, piggies, 'cause I'm sending your asses all the way home! T-r-o-y! Why? Because I rock! WILLIE: Oh.
We're headed for Titan.
I can't override it.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! No! Everyone I really messed aaaand that's all we have time for.
I've got a bearing on a large deposit of atomic fuel.
You hear that, General? All right, your new robot can stay.
But anything you people break, you're gonna pay for! We're on a fixed income, dammit! My insides are full of rainbows! Bad enough you build another robot behind our backs, but Gibbs is on Mercury and we're getting reassigned? Reassigned where, your mom's house? Oh, did I say reassigned? I meant decommissioned.
Disassemble these ships piece by piece, then melt down the pieces and turn them into a giant statue of my balls in Palmer's mouth.
What? Now that we have Titan Megamum, Titan Maximum is done.
What's all the racket in here?! Is that for the science fair? Sure, fine.
It's for a science fair.
Oww! Be a dear, don't chop off my grandmother's head.
I thought it was maybe Titan Force Five.
Ha! Don't be so jumpy, my little frog.
Jodi has days of explaining to do before they'll even get near their ships.
We're home free.
GRANDMA: I feel a draft! Close that damn window! All that hard work, Leon.
Gone.
Palmer was this close to seeing me as an equal Iook what you did! You made my little sister cry! Okay, how's her punishment going to work? Like birthday spankings, only harder? Jodi aided and abetted a fugitive, and consorted with the enemy.
It's textbook treason.
She'll never take another free breath as long as she lives.
Fine fine.
Good.
Sounds-sounds about right.
I went ahead and set all the radio stations for you.
Hope you like music that kicks ass.
And I hope you like one solar system, under Gibbs, indivisible, with liberty and justice for fucking nobody.
Eh.
I can take it or leave it.
[Evil laughter] GRANDMA: You better not be high-fiving in there!