Toast of London (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

Bonus Ball

It's tremendous news.
They want to see me for James Bond? Yes.
What a break, after how many years in the industry? Ha! I knew Craig'd choke it.
Too many stunts.
And he's always looked like the villain.
Do you think they'll expect me to talk? You won't do that, will you? I'm here for Bond.
Steven Toast.
Who? Steven Toast.
Take a seat.
Morning, Toast.
Steven Toast.
The name's Bond.
James Bond.
Hey! What the hell do you think you're playing at?! Shit.
Jane? 'Fucking idiot.
' You heard, yeah? It wasn't great.
' No, I misjudged it.
I think I frightened some of them.
Still, they'll realise I'm the right man for the job when they see the other no-hopers.
Oh, yeah.
All right, see you! Ooh! Hi, it's Toast.
Toast? I'm in a phone box.
What? I lost my mobile in an audition, but luckily, one of your prostitute cards is in here.
Look, I can't make it tonight.
I'm playing poker with Elaine Paige and Lloyd Webber.
But I'll see you tomorrow at 3pm.
So This is it, chaps.
All eyes on me.
Three kings.
I believe it's your turn, Elaine Paige.
Time to put your winkle out, as my gran used to say.
Excuse that.
I've got nothing.
Bad luck, EP.
Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal.
So, Andrew Lloyd Webber, looks like it's you and me.
If I was you, I'd make this swift.
No-one wants to look like a top arsehole in front of their floozy.
Excuse that.
He can't do that, can he? You knew that was all the money I had.
I could puke.
Lots of lovely money.
Ooh, lovely.
Mm-mm-mm! Forgotten something, Toast? I don't have any money for a taxi.
I deign it for you to have a pound.
You still owe Lloyd Webber £20,000, Toast.
Yeah, well, you can tell Mr Lloyd Webber that he can shove that up his Starlight Express.
Oh, I'm growing a tail.
No, where is it? Ah.
There he is.
Toast! What the hell are you doing here this early? I have alarming news, Jane.
To go with the alarming smell? Suddenly reeks of a working men's club in here.
Working men in this room? That'll be a first.
You look dreadful, Toast.
Please take your feet off my desk.
Where are your shoes? Lloyd Webber took them.
Bloody poker.
How much did you lose? I owe him £20,000.
Well, I expect you'll be receiving a visit from Michael Ball soon, then.
Michael Ball? Yes.
Ball is Lloyd Webber's enforcer.
Has been for years.
Anyone owes LW money, Ball picks it up.
Obviously, he doesn't have to do it, but it gives him something to do in the day between shows and winning awards.
What now, Toast? I slept with Michael Ball's girlfriend not long after they split up.
How long after? About ten minutes.
Fucking idiot.
Unusually attractive girl.
Great sense of humour, much like myself.
We laughed a lot.
Well, he probably won't remember you.
Why would you say that? Well, in general, I've noticed people tend not to remember you.
That's a hell of a pearl necklace, Jane.
Shut up, Toast.
Jane "Pluff".
He's here now, actually.
Let me ask him.
Urgent dubbing request just in.
Dubbing? Fuck that.
Just bear with me.
Shall I get some more details? No.
He's on the line.
I'm not interested.
May as well.
Don't waste your time, Jane.
I'll ask him.
More details? Yes.
It's a new film.
Young maverick Danish director.
Highbrow stuff.
German-Spanish co-production.
I didn't understand any of that, Jane.
It was just single words.
Sorry, Toast.
It needs to be dubbed into English for eventual DVD release.
They're offering £5,000.
I'll do it.
He'll do it.
He'll be there in two and a half minutes.
Where is it? Scramble Studios.
What, those arseholes? They wouldn't know highbrow from holy water.
Could you please get out now? Top arsehole.
What all those people doing there? Oh, you know, they just work here.
Well, let's get on.
I've got an appointment later.
All right, no problems, Steven.
So, dubbing some gay arthouse erotica.
Some what? Don't have a problem with playing gay, do you? Gay? No.
I mean, I won't play a bald man, not even on Radio 4, but I'm not gay-sceptic.
Let's go.
OK, good.
OK, so, the guy you're working with What guy? The guy playing the other part.
Who? Name's Ray Purchase.
You know him? Incredibly homophobic.
He hates gays and the whole gay scene.
Ray fucking Purchase.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
You two know each other? That's great! No, it isn't.
You hypocrite, Purchase.
You're the most homophobic actor in London.
What this? Gay for pay? I don't like to see grown-up men kissing, Toast.
I fail to see what the fuck it's got to do with you.
OK, gents.
That's a good idea.
What is? Not wearing shoes.
It's a bit relaxed, a bit comfortable.
OK, so I believe you are voicing the character of Miguel.
Coming at you.
We're going to start with Ray.
My name is Helmut from Munich.
You must be Miguel.
Yes, I am.
Hola! You are keen, my friend.
But I asked the agency for a blond man.
I am sorry to disappoint you.
It was not what I was expecting.
Really? Would you like me to put my underpants back on? Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
This is going great, Steven, really terrific.
One note from the director.
He really wants you to pronounce it "unterpantzi".
Really give it everything.
Here we go.
Put my unterpantzi! Sorry, I'll do that again.
Put my unterpaaantzi .
back on.
It's great.
It's really good.
Do you want to take a break before the next bit? No, let's just keep going.
Calm down, Toast.
Mmm! Mwah.
Mmm! Huh! Whoa! Ha! Uh! Huh! Whoargh! Oh! Huh! Huh! Ah! Huh! Meh! Huh! Wah! Huh! All right, all right.
We're nearly there.
Just some solo kissing from you, Ray, all right? No need to look at the screen.
Aaahhh OK.
And from you, Steven.
OK, OK, OK, just hold it there, Steven.
Ray, you are finished, sir.
Thank you, man, it's great.
Great work, Ray.
Thanks a lot.
Your taxi's outside.
OK, thanks, Danny.
Cheers, Clem! Oh, and, Toast Cunt.
Thanks, Danny.
Really great.
Sorry he's such a prick.
Well All the best.
OK, Steven, the feeling is that you can play it just a little less gay.
A little less gay? Yeah, just bring it down a bit.
It's just a bit It's a bit over the top.
It's a bit John Inman.
Just a bit camp! OK, I'm off.
What? Yeah.
You think I can't see you laughing in there? Yeah, you.
You malnourished pimp, with your World War I facial hair in your sister's clothes.
Steven You shut the fuck up, Clem Fandango.
And your made-up name.
All right, Steven, Steven, we're not laughing at you, it's just It's something on YouTube.
Give me your shoes.
My shoes? Yeah, and my taxi fare.
Take it off my fee.
You fucking laugh at me, you motherfucker.
Luckily, I just bought another pair.
Nah-nah-nah-another pair.
Taxi fare.
Fucking clown.
Come on, you dirty bastard! Shit a brick, Mrs Purchase! I think I'm losing my eyesight! Oh! Jesus Christ, Toast.
I actually have gone blind.
Have you? No, it's come back.
God, I needed that and no mistaking.
The last man who made love to me like that had just got out of prison.
And if I wasn't stressed enough already, then your husband turned up to the voiceover session.
But he's away all afternoon.
He's on some protest against gay marriage.
He's notoriously homophobic.
Toast Since when have you started wearing boys' trainers? Since Lloyd Webber took my shoes.
Where is the other one? I don't know.
That's the least of my problems.
You all right, Toast? No.
Michael Ball is after me.
No Yes.
One unusual fact about Michael Ball - he has a vast amount of blood in his body.
Really? I read somewhere he has double the amount than your average person.
Apparently, it helps him belt out those power ballads.
Well, he'll be after your ballads if you don't pay up.
He's probably waiting for me at the theatre.
I'll be ready.
Has your soppy husband got any clean shirts? Yeah.
On that chair over there.
'You upstairs, darling?' Oh, shit, it's Ray.
Not enough anti-gays turned up at the protest.
Ha! Good news for society.
Bad news for Steven Toast.
Quick, under the bed, Toast.
Absolutely not.
What? I'm not hiding from Ray Purchase.
It's about time we came clean.
Plimsolls? What's all this about? So where is the young buck who Toast! Purchase.
I thought I could smell cheap aftershave and bullshit! Ray Careful of your blood pressure.
Remember what Dr Wo-Joe said.
Toast I may appear completely calm.
However, inwardly I am in fact working out exactly how I am going to kill you and this time I will kill you, I shit thee nay! Oh, give it a rest, Ray.
What have you done with the young stud who was wearing these? Where is he? Thought you'd have a three-piece, did you? A what? A threesome, you prat.
Those trainers belong to Toast.
He's borrowed them.
Who from? A 15-year-old? So where are your proper shoes? Andrew Lloyd Webber has them.
What?! Wait a second.
Are you wearing my shirt? All right, Purchase.
Now, if someone slept with my wife, I'd be equally irritated.
But she is one feisty, independently minded, modern gal.
She can sleep with whoever she pleases.
Another woman if it took her fancy.
Hey, yeah, I'm cool with that.
Ray, what about Never! Well, if you wouldn't mind getting out of my Oh, you're going nowhere, Toast.
Oh, grow up, Ray.
I'm serious, Toast.
I'm going to kill you.
What?! I just always wondered why you walked in such a strange manner.
What the hell are you talking about? Did you know you had one leg shorter than the other? No, I don't.
Do I? 'Afternoon, Horace.
' Me? No, I haven't been out.
I'm a lazy bitch.
Must kill Toast.
Yeah, let's meet for coffee in the morning.
You can tell me all about your stepson's half-brother.
Talking of your cafe, whatever happened to that young artist with the gorgeous arse who used to come in on a Friday? Well, with an arse like that, I'm sure he can do what he likes.
Andrew simply wants his money.
And I'm going to get it for him.
It's not rocket science.
'Two-minute call for Steven Toast.
' Get out of my way! Get out of my way! Get out of my way! I have a concealed weapon! That will be our king.
His timing is perfect as usual.
Everything is in place.
We are all gathered in anticipation.
Please enter Your Grace.
All praise him, for he is divine.
All praise him, for he is divine.
All praise him, for he is divine.
All praise him for he is divine.
This is shit! .
for he is divine.
All praise him, for he is divine.
All praise him, for he is divine.
Excuse me.
What? Do you happen to know where the toilets are? Um, yes.
They are just down there on the left.
Thank you so much.
All praise him, for he is divine.
All praise him, for he is divine.
Stupid cow.
For fuck's sake.
The ceremony can now begin.
Let our high priest step forward.
You can't escape Lloyd Webber, Toast.
This play stops until Andrew gets his money.
It's not rocket science.
You've got a fucking nerve, Leaping onto the stage during another actor's play.
You of all people should know better than that, Ball.
You don't seem to understand You owe Lloyd Webber 20 grand You must place it In my hand! All right, Toast.
Looks like your luck has finally shit out.
What's with the This is serious, Toast.
You've never taken me seriously! Who the fuck is this? His name's Ray Purchase.
He's a massive idiot.
I'm off.
Stand back, everyone.
There'll be a lot of blood.
I have double the amount of blood in my body.
I know.
Oh, dear.
Look out.
Urgh! By the way, Toast, I know about you and Phoebe.
Who? My ex-girlfriend, Phoebe.
Fee-bee? Is that how you pronounce it? I thought it was Phobe.
It's pronounced Fee-bee.
You were out of the picture, Ball.
She was fair game.
She told me she'd hocked up with some second-rate actor begging for scraps at the chip shop who I now discover finds himself appearing in what is generally regarded as the worst play ever produced Too fuckin' right! .
ten minutes after I left.
Too soon, Toast.
Too soon.
It's not rocket science.
Well, if it's any consolation, Fee - Phoebe.
- Phoebe! She dumped me pretty sharpish.
By the way, Toast What? Could you possibly call me an ambulance? I think it's too late, Ball.
I mean, there's a hell of a lot of blood.
Well, then Could you see that my body is placed in an airtight capsule and launched into outer space? It's what my fans would want.
Hang on a minute.
That is rocket science.
Yes, Toast.
I rather think it is.
You're right.
Can you believe it? What a turnaround.
"Experimental theatre at its finest," according to the Standard.
It's a pity Michael Ball isn't in it every night.
Yes, I hate to admit it, but he still delivers the goods.
He died earlier today.
Did he? That's a shame.
Did they arrest Ray Purchase? There'll be enough witnesses to hang that bastard.
More importantly, I have good news on the Bond front.
Are you sitting down? Well, I'm clearly sitting down, Jane.
You've got the role.
Really?! But I made a slight error.
They don't actually want you for the role of James Bond.
They want you for "Double-take Man".
Is he a regular? No, he fucking isn't! He's just a man who looks incredulous.
He's no more than an extra.
How the fuck could you get that so wrong? Can you stop swearing? The finer details must have been on the attachments, and I don't normally read attachments.
Lydia, where the hell is Toast's parcel? 'Um, it's just' I know.
I can see it now! Ooh.
It's from Lloyd Webber.
Tremendous news.
He's taken over production of your play.
What does it say? "Don't worry about the £20,000.
"Sorry I took your shoes.
"I hope these fit nicely.
" Oh, sweet!