Toast of London (2013) s02e01 Episode Script

Match Fit

Mind the gap.
Mind the gap.
MAN: Hello uh, Steven? Er, could you do a quicker one? Mind the gap.
MAN: Er, hello again.
How about doing a funky one? (SCOFFS) What's that even mean? Who the fuck are you anyway? Sorry, Steven, let me introduce Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.
Of course.
Right, Steven, um, may we try a couple of the traditional readings again where you emphasise the word "mind" and the word "gap".
Yeah, all right.
Are we rolling? Hi, Steven.
This is Clem Fandango, can you hear me? - Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
- So like the traditional delivery, Steven, where you hit the word "mind" and the word "gap".
- Yeah, thanks for clearing that up, Clem.
- All part of the service, Steven.
- Ah, God! - BORIS: Hello.
Uh, I've just had a thought.
Could you leave quite a long gap between the words "the" and "gap"? TOAST: (UNDER HIS BREATH) Clown Mind The Gap.
Ha ha.
Let's have some fun.
Try an even longer gap between those words.
Mind The (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR SHUTS) (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) - What's your porn name, Ed? - Posh Dong Minge Muncher.
- That's your porn name, is it? - Yes.
So "Posh Dong" was the name of your first pet and "Minge Muncher" - was your mother's maiden name? - Sorry? Well, that's how you come up with your porn name.
You combine the name of your first pet with your mother's maiden name.
I haven't a clue what you're talking about, Toast.
(SIGHS) Football.
What's this, Ed? Ah, that's the application form for the Prostitutes and Celebrities - Blow Football Tournament.
- Ah, blow football? That's where people blow those tiny footballs around - with straws in their mouths? - Yes.
The tournament's organised by my show business charity The River Rats.
Raises money for good causes and this year I think it's for homeless ponies.
Ah, so who takes part? Actors and prostitutes? Well, technically celebrities and prostitutes.
We get the odd footballer, but ironically they're not actually very good at blow football.
Do they team you up with the prostitute or do you have to bring your own? I always bring my own.
Well, why don't you take part, Toast? It's tremendous fun.
You must know some prostitutes? How about that Purchase woman you're having an affair with? - She's one, isn't she? - Well, she is, but she's also a very strong feminist.
I think she'd find the whole thing quite un-PC.
Oh, no one took a blind bit of notice when Arthur Askey and Tommy Cooper started it back in the '60s, but nowadays would get up the noses of those women's libbers and killjoys at the BBC.
Blow football with prostitutes? This sounds right up my rue.
- Can I fill this in? - Excellent.
Could be good publicity for you, too.
Why don't you ask Mrs P? Is she still with her husband? What's his name? Um, Roy? - Ray.
Ray bloody Purchase.
- What's he doing these days? The man's penis is then inserted into the other man's anus.
This is most unnatural.
A man's penis is meant to go into a lady's vagina.
- Not another man's anus.
- Hear, hear! Very good.
That is the end of today's lecture.
Have to say, Swivney, that was a great talk.
The gays have had it all their own way for far too long in this country.
It really is super that you have the bottle to come here and tell it like it is.
Yes.
Thank you, Ray Purchase.
I know we both abhor this rampant bum banditry I see everywhere in your country.
Now, I'm meeting some anti-gay friends of mine in a local pub.
- Would you like to come along? - Oh, yes.
That sounds exactly like my idea of a great night out.
Don't touch me! RAY: I'm home, my darling! (EXHALES LOUDLY) Had a few drinks with Swivney and the anti-gays.
They want me to help them inform people about the dangers of homo sex.
- But in an entertaining way.
- Really? Actually, I'd rather not know about it.
It reeks of homophobia.
Nonsense.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh God, I've had a skinful.
Then I look forward to you snoring really loudly.
Snoring? I've never snored in my entire (SNORING LOUDLY) (SNORING CONTINUES) Toast! Don't you even bother to knock any more? - Where's your soppy husband? - He's here actually.
- In the bed.
- He looks dead.
He's probably just hungover.
He went to an anti-gay lecture - given by Nick Swivney.
- Oh, that idiot.
Mmm.
Everybody got pissed in the pub afterwards.
Let's not talk.
Let's just do it.
(PANTING) (BLUBBERS) (GRUNTING) (BLUBBERING) Oooh, yes! Ed was talking to me about some celebrity and prostitute blow football tournament.
Yes.
Ray's asked me to partner him this year.
- It's happening soon, isn't it? - So you know about it? - Mmm-hmm.
- Well, I was hoping you'd partner me.
Hmm.
Well it's just Well, Ray and I, our marriage hasn't been great recently.
I think this could bring us together more.
I mean, I know a celebrity and prostitutes blow football tournament is frightfully un-PC, but I think my marriage should come first.
I can get you the names of a few prostitutes, if you like.
Okay.
I have to say, I would quite like to win this tournament.
As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.
(SNORTS) (SNORES) This is a bit weird, Mrs P.
I'd like to go.
(SNORING) Maybe we should get a more up-to-date photo of you, Toast.
Now that you're playing more mature roles.
No, leave it, Jane.
It's fine.
I mean, it may be 30 years old, but as you can see, I haven't changed one bit.
- Hmm.
Um - You know, I'd really like to win this prostitute and celebrity blow football tournament.
As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.
I'm just worried it might be a little un-PC.
- Not like you to think like that, Toast.
- It isn't, is it? It's almost like I turned into your friend Ben Elton.
(CHUCKLES) Or Gary Barlow.
(CHUCKLES) Who? - Do you like Charles Dickens? - Dickens? Yes, of course.
An offer's come in.
- To play Dickens? - Yes, would you like to play Dickens? - Does Frank Bough like to party? - What? Yeah, I'd love to play Dickens.
No one's done him properly.
Callow tried in his one-man show, but he was too camp.
Not like Dickens at all.
He was more like Larry Grayson or - Russell Brand.
(LAUGHS) - Mmm-mmm.
I'll find out some more details.
(PHONE RINGING) Toast! Ah, Mrs Purchase.
Where are you? All right, I'll be right there.
That was Mrs Purchase.
She's got some suggestions for prostitutes to partner me in the tournament.
It's in a place called Springleys on the Fulham Road.
Springleys? I don't know it.
- Is it a gentleman's club? - Ah! - Ah! There you are.
- Sorry I'm late.
Took me ages to find this place.
I thought it was a club or wine bar.
Hop in.
Now, I've been looking at these.
Now, that's Lola, she is a really nice prostitute.
Paige I mean, she's a great prostitute.
Ruby, one of the best - prostitutes around.
- Yes.
Are any of these prostitutes good at blow football? Well, Ed says you're not allowed to have sex with the prostitutes during the tournament, so I may as well go with the one that's best at blow football.
- Oh, you want Wendy Nook.
- Who? Wendy Nook.
Yeah, she's a great prostitute.
Probably the best one at blow football.
- Fantastic.
- Shall I give her a call? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I must say, you're looking very nice today, Mrs P.
Yes.
Very nice.
(GRUNTING) (PANTING) Hang on, my balls are about to fizz! - Are you sure, Jane? - Yes, yes.
You look exactly like Dickens.
But are you sure I have to dress like him for the audition? I think it shows great attention to detail on their part.
They're even sending a driver to pick you up.
- Ah! - Not from here, unfortunately, - but it shows they're keen.
- Mmm.
Hmm.
You still want to play Dickens, don't you? - Of course.
- Well, good.
What the hell is this? Something's wrong here, Jane.
Something's very, very wrong.
Yes, sorry, Toast.
There possibly has been a misunderstanding here.
The finer details may have been on the attachment and I I rarely read attachments.
They think I'm a tour guide.
I presumed you were being picked up and taken to the audition.
- No, no, they think I'm a tour guide.
- So You don't want to be a tour guide? Course I don't want to be a bloody tour guide, Jane.
I'm an actor! Is there a pension scheme with tour guides? Anyone there you could talk to about that? Is Is there a what? Pension? Acting's a shaky profession, Toast, and there'll come a time, fairly soon, when you won't be able to act any more.
This could be an opportunity for you.
I'm not a tour guide, Jane, I'm an actor.
We all have to take our last bow at some point, Toast.
We've had our fun over the years, but this could be a dignified way out.
I'm just I'm looking at the long-term option.
- What? And end up as a tour guide? - Um Yes.
Jane, that's probably the worst idea you've ever had, and if I wasn't such a nice guy I'd tell you to stick it up your khyber.
How dare you talk to me like that? And don't make that face.
If I were you, sunshine, I'd learn the tour guide ropes, because I have a feeling you'll be back, cap in hand.
- So you just drive around all day, do you? - Yeah.
Your job satisfaction must be nil.
I'd probably throw myself in the Thames.
(FOOTSTEPS MOUNTING) Whoa, you can't get on here, it's a tourist bus.
That's what I want.
I want a tour of the London.
Well, then you need to go to Piccadilly Circus.
No, I have a tourist ticket which allows me on tour.
Look, best let her on.
I can't be doing with the arse ache.
He says go up.
- Better go up there, keep an eye on her.
- Why? - A lot of them piss on the bus.
- Really? Yeah.
Unless you keep an eye on them, they piss on the bus.
You know what people are like.
Leave your sight for one second, they're gonna start acting up.
Better go upstairs and keep an eye on her.
Look, I'm not a tour guide, I'm a bloody actor.
Are you now? Look, do us a favour, mate, anything happens, it's me what's gonna wear it, innit? Oh, God.
What's that? I don't know.
I'm an actor, I'm not a tour guide.
If you don't tell me about the sights, I will tell your boss that you touched me.
- You'll do what? - Yes, I will scream, "Help! He's touched me!" And then you go on sex offenders list.
(SCOFFS) - Help! He's touching me! - All right, all right! God! - There's a council house.
- Use megaphone, please.
There's a council house.
There's a lamp post.
Er, that looks like an abattoir.
Tell me historic facts, please.
God knows.
Er London was built in the 13th century.
Mostly made of straw.
Then a great fire came and knackered the lot.
MAN: And Dick Whittington was considered to be a very popular Lord Mayor.
I dread to think what he'd make of modern London, what with gay marriages and all.
Ray bloody Purchase! - Toast! - What the hell are you doing on that bus? Is that Nick Swivney? It's the Beefeater Anti-Gay Tour of London.
Can't you read? - How pathetic! - Who are you meant to be? - Gandhi.
- (SHOUTING) What? - No, I'm Charles Dickens, you berk.
- Never mind that.
What the hell were you doing asking my wife to partner you in the celebrity and prostitutes blow football tournament? - Well, your wife's a prostitute.
- You shut your mouth, Toast! My wife's not a prostitute.
Well, not in the conventional sense.
Oh, come on, Purchase.
Everyone in London knows your wife's a prostitute.
You take that back, Toast, that's a slur.
A bloody slur! No, it isn't.
Only difference is, she doesn't do it for money unless it's with you.
- She's not a prostitute.
- Yeah? Well, then, what the shit is that? TOAST: (LAUGHS) Bye-bye, Purchase.
- Excuse me? - Yeah? Are you Wendy Nook? It's 60 for a hand job, 80 for a blow job and 95 for the full kahuna.
No, I understand you play blow football.
It's another tenner for blow football.
How did you get that? I fell out of a tree.
I'm Steven Toast.
Mrs Purchase gave me your name.
Said you were the best in the business.
I mean, where blow football's concerned.
Do you wanna play afterwards or before, boy? No, no.
You misunderstand.
I'm not interested in the other.
I wanna win the River Rats Celebrity and Prostitute Blow Football Tournament, and I want you to be my partner.
- What's in it for me? - It's for a good cause.
- Yeah? What? - Homeless ponies.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
You're telling me that there are homeless ponies? - Yes.
- God almighty.
That's dreadful.
A very touching plight and it's really quite sad.
- I'm in! - Ha ha! Yes! (GROANS) Oh, yes.
- Ah, Toast! - Ed, this is - Posh Dong! - You two know each other? - Er, not that I recall.
- Hi, Posh.
- Hi, Posh.
- Yeah.
- Er, Toast, this is Fifi.
- Hi, there.
Who the hell are these celebrities? I don't recognise anyone.
No, me neither.
I'm told they're mostly stand-up comedians and X- Factor runners-up.
- (GROANS) - Still, it's all for a good cause.
- Toast.
- Ray Purchase.
Hi, everyone.
We're gonna win.
You know that, don't you, Toast? I wouldn't be so certain, Purchase.
Oh, I've never lost a game of blow football in my life.
And I'm certainly not going to lose to you.
In fact, you know what? I am so confident we're gonna win that if we don't, I'll - Do whatever I ask you.
- What? If you lose, you'll do whatever I ask of you.
Well, come on! If you're so bloody sure of yourself.
Oh, I'm so bloody sure of myself, Toast.
Okay, so if you lose you'll do whatever I ask you to? However disgusting or degrading? Whatever I ask you to? - Yes.
- Ha! - You heard him, everyone.
- ALL: Yes! We are definitely, definitely not gonna lose.
- Ray, are you sure this is wise? - It's all right, darling.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
It's without any risk whatsoever, because we will win this tournament.
(LAUGHS) So what happens next, Ed? Well, Toast, you're team A and you're drawn against team D, who are Ralph Fiennes and his partner Thumper, who are over there.
- Ralph.
- All right, the first team to get to 10 goals wins and qualifies for the next round on a simple knockout basis.
Excellent.
Are you ready, Wendy? Brilliant.
(BLOWING) Yeah! Boom! (APPLAUDING) Yeah! And so we have a very exciting final in prospect between team A, Toast and Wendy Nook (CHEERING) And team E, Mr and Mrs Ray Purchase.
(CHEERING) Let's see who are this year's prostitutes and celebrities blow football champions.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (CHEERING) Right! Nine-all, next goal wins! (BLOWS WHISTLE) (BLOWING) No, no, no, no, no! Yeah! (LAUGHING) Yes! I told you, Toast.
We are the champions.
Suck on that, Sydney! Ah, just a moment.
Ralph Fiennes wants a word.
What's this about? What does he want? - Erm, Ralph Fiennes has told me something.
- What did he say, Ed? He tells me that Mrs Purchase isn't really a prostitute.
Yes, she is! That's not what you said on that bus, Purchase.
- My wife's not a prostitute! - That's what you said! - The whole of London heard you.
- Oh, Ray.
It's sweet.
I'm really touched.
I I said not in the conventional sense.
She doesn't get paid for it but she's eligible for this, surely? Let's not forget that we're all here to raise money for homeless ponies.
That's the main thing.
No, I'm sorry, Purchase.
She doesn't get paid for her services, so she is not - strictly a prostitute.
- Hang on, Ed.
How does Ralph Fiennes know that? (CROWD GASPS) - (CLEARS THROAT) - Okay, um - (MUMBLES) I paid her a few times.
- What did you say? I said, I've paid her a few times.
(CROWD GASPS) How sordid.
Paying your own wife to have sex with you.
Ray! That was our little secret.
Paying your own wife to have sex with you is not proper prostitution.
Therefore, I'm afraid Ray and Mrs Purchase are disqualified.
- (TOAST LAUGHING) - (CROWD GASPING) Which means that Toast and Wendy Nook are deemed to be this year's champions.
(CHEERING) (BLOWING WHISTLE) Well, well, well.
You know what this means, don't you, Purchase? That you now have to do exactly what I want.
- I don't remember agreeing to that.
- I'm afraid you did, old chap.
No, I didn't.
ALL: Yeah, you did.
MAN: Damn right, straight.
Now, let's see what I can come up with.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh! You really were a bit silly, Ray.
Making that rash bet.
So you've got no one to - blame but yourself.
- What's gonna happen now, Purchase, is we're gonna get down to business.
Like this Hey! MRS PURCHASE: Oh, oh grow up, Ray.
You're acting like a spoilt child.
Oh! TOAST: And I'm going to pleasure your wife orally, much like this.
- MRS PURCHASE: Oh God, that's good! - (SCREAMING) (MOANING) Now we proceed to conventional doggie-style intercourse.
Much like this! (MOANING) I'm sure you've noticed, Ray Purchase, that I'm not wearing a sheath.
So there's a fair chance she'll become pregnant with my child.
- Oh! - Ah! MRS PURCHASE: Oh Ray, stop being so childish.
This is good, Ray Purchase.
Very natural.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING) (BLUBBERING) (MUFFLED SCREAMING) So take my hand We'll disappear to above the sun To far from here No, I don't know you and you don't know me I just had to talk to you, you see So say you'll come, please come, girl You could be the one for all I know And I don't know you Gap!