Toast of London (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

High Winds Actor

TOAST: But you promised me, Jane.
You said I would definitely get the role.
You said I was an absolute shoo-in! I know, Toast, that's what they said to me too.
And then Bruce Willis expresses an interest and it's a whole new ball game.
Well, this is very embarrassing for me.
Having to go around looking like a tit! I mean, can't you sue them or something? Unfortunately not, because there was nothing in writing, but I'm gonna make one very angry phone call! I mean, I won't be able to go out for six months! No, that is defeatism, Toast.
You can still do voice-overs.
(SIGHS) In fact, I have you down for one this afternoon.
Oh, those fuckers are gonna love this.
- Ah, nice outwear, dude.
- You what? Cool jacket, Steven.
I haven't seen one like that in a long while.
- What is that, vintage? - No, it isn't bloody vintage.
- I got it from Cliftons in St James's.
- Fancy.
It is fancy.
You won't find one of these in Oxfam or wherever it is you pick up those clown outfits from.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
All right, let's get on.
What are we doing? Medical doc, operation blow by blow.
It's pretty squeamish stuff.
- Squeamish? Poppycock! - They've just sent through the footage - (MACHINES WHIRRING) - (SQUISHING SOUNDS) - Oh, Jesus! That's not nice! - Ugh! It's nothing I won't have seen before.
Let's just get on.
Uh, Steven? This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me? Come on, then, Plato, enlighten me.
The footage is quite full on.
If you'd rather record it wild, - without picture, it's totally doable.
- Yeah.
- No! I'll do it to picture.
Run the tape.
- Okay, comin' at ya, big guy.
(NARRATING VOICE) "Head injuries are possibly the most critical and serious injury "a qualified surgeon will ever have to attend to.
" - (CRASHING) - (SIRENS WAILING) "A specially designed tool, not unlike a workman's masonry drill, "is lowered onto the mark, ready to cut through the skull.
" Oh (DRILL WHIRRING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) "The brain is now visible" (VOMITS) Is everything all right, Steven? Hope you haven't got sick all over your nice new coat.
(CLEM LAUGHING) (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) The wind machine was going at full tilt.
Everyone else had been blown off the bloody deck, but I held my ground, Toast, and I delivered my speech in one take.
I have to hand it to you, Axel, I don't think there's a finer actor in the country, when it comes to performing in high winds.
Well, when playing ships' captains and mad kings, performing in gales and storms comes very much with the territory.
Wind machines, rain machines, thunder and lightning machines, sleet machines, hail Tell me something, when you're performing in high winds, are you tethered to a mast in some way? No, no, no.
The public would notice that immediately.
It's all to do with technique.
I look full on, but I usually stand at a very, very slight angle.
Well, even Olivier used a safety harness.
Yes, nice fellow.
Used to be in the same lodge.
I must invite you to a meeting.
- I'm guessing you're, uh, on the square? - What square? I wouldn't work with an actor who wasn't in the Masons.
Oh, the Masons! Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
Uh, so what's this production that you're working on? TV adaptation of that Master and Commander film.
Oh, nice! They're promising me an absolute howling gale.
- (EXAGGERATED LAUGHING) - You know, Toast, I've heard it said that you, after me, - are the best high winds actor in Britain.
- (CHUCKLES) I mean, I'm good, but I don't think I'm in your league.
True, but if anything should happen to me, you might find yourself getting a few more job offers.
(CHUCKLES) No, I think your position will be quite secure for some years to come.
I was just talking to Axel Jacklin in The Colonial Club.
- Apparently, he's a Mason.
- I see.
- You're not, uh, on the square, are you? - Well, yes.
Most actors are.
Well, I'm not.
I always found it quite ridiculous, with the silly handshakes and pulling up your trouser leg to the judge.
Don't knock it, Toast.
Many men have escaped from a perilous situation by performing just such a ritual.
I remember once I played a Bond girl, when I was in Octopussy.
- You played a Bond girl? - Yes, at tennis.
During a break at Pinewood.
Maud Adams.
She wanted to play the full three sets.
Cubby Broccoli came over and said, "No, you only have to play one".
He knew I was a Mason, you see.
We performed the ritual and I had the rest of the afternoon off.
- What the hell are you talking about? - Mind if I watch the midday news? Axel Jacklin was well known for his many roles in costume dramas.
- No - His agent Jane Plough said - (GASPS) it was a terrible tragedy.
It's a terrible tragedy, but it's common knowledge that after Axel, you are the best high winds actor in Britain.
So, I've been onto the Master and Commander chaps and I've persuaded them that you are the best actor to take over the role.
Well, you've certainly moved fast, Jane.
Axel's only been dead 46 minutes.
There's no room for sentiment in this game, Toast.
And another thing, I presume you're in the Masons? Well, you'd better join up if you're not, because the producer, Parker Pipe, is very keen on using only masonic actors.
- What's up, Toast? Sad about Axel? - Mmm, yeah.
Mmm, yes.
People die all the time, though, don't they? Actors, prime ministers, kings, queens, everybody's just passing through.
The list of people who've died is as long as my arms, and I have unnaturally long arms.
(SNAPPING FINGERS) Lmagine if all the actors who were dead, were alive? There'd be no jobs for the younger actors at all.
(DISTORTED) Are you all right? Jane? (CLAPPING) No, we have to strike while the iron is hot.
Stay where you are, Toast.
(STUTTERING) Are you all right, Jane? You're behaving very, very queerly.
(WHISPERING) Just stay where you are.
The bats are back.
Let me get my special swat.
What special swat? (YELLING BATTLE CRY) - Argh! Bloody bats! I hate you! - Whoa! I'll get help Bloody bats! I hate bats! Argh! (BREATHING HEAVILY) Uh! Uh! (BUZZING) Hello, this is Esther Rantzen, may I order a takeaway? - Toast.
- Davison.
- Have you been to see Jane? - What the hell is going on up there? - Should I get a doctor? - Was it the bats? - She did mention bats.
- I thought so.
I'd better get go up - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It is a bit alarming.
- The truth is, Toast, she's back on the acid.
Well, that would explain it.
She was definitely having some kind of bad bat trip.
How long's she been back on the acid? A week.
Her timing is appalling.
You know there's a surprise party for her at The Colonial tomorrow? Celebrating 40 years as an agent.
Jane really needs her friends now.
- We all have to rally round.
- Sorry, Davison, I need to ask you something.
What? Are you a Mason? - (LAUGHING) Of course, yes.
- Yes (GLASS BREAKING) (DISTORTED) Jane? (BAT NOISES SQUEAKING) - Jane! Jane! Jane! - Argh! Bats! Steven.
I'm Parker Pipe, the producer.
Nice to meet you.
- This is Chloe Hammerslag, my assistant.
- Hello.
- You knew Axel? - Very well indeed.
Old friends.
It's such a tragedy.
His very first day on set.
- Yeah.
He was just blown away, I believe? - Yes, yes.
His luck finally ran out.
He lost his footing and just blown away.
Hit the back wall of the set 70 miles an hour.
(GASPING WITH EMOTION) He told me he never wore a harness.
(BLUBBERING) He never did.
Put authenticity above everything.
But the show must go on, as they say.
And Jane thoroughly recommended you.
How is Jane? - She's back on the acid.
- Oh, dear.
- Anyway, I've got a script here - By the way, Toast.
I presume you are Oh, uh, oh, yes.
Fully paid up and committed member.
Thanks, Camilla.
(SIGHS) Parker.
Ray bloody Purchase.
What are you doing here? Do you two know each other? - (GROWLING) Yes - Yes We thought you could play the scene together, if that's okay? Oh, God.
I didn't know you were up for this.
I didn't know you were up for this either, Toast.
You're not a Mason.
- Yes, I am.
- Oh, yes, he is - What? - Uh, there's one thing we'd just like to try out.
Uh, Chloe, could you, uh Steven, Ray, would you mind standing in front of the machine? - Of course.
- All right, if I must.
That would be great.
Uh, I don't need a script, Parker, I've learnt it.
(SCOFFS) We're going to start on a three setting and then gradually bring it up to, oh, 10.
(WIND MACHINE STARTING UP) In your own time! (SHOUTING) "Three days out of port, Captain.
"When do you think the Frenchies will show themselves?" "Soon enough, Chief Surgeon, but fear not.
The wind may blow and storms may rage, "England will never fail.
" "Aye, aye, Captain.
Though it is a stiff south westerly.
" "Our destiny is to see us through the battle.
Sweet victory shall be" (WIND INCREASING) "Shall be" Ahhh! Okay, okay, turn off the wind, Chloe.
Steven, you stood on your feet! That's fantastic! I'm so impressed, I think I'm gonna promote you to the lead role of the captain now - Argh! and demote Ray to Chief Surgeon.
- Well, that'd be great! - Ray Purchase is a top-class high winds actor, but you are even better.
The wind machine was up to nine! I mean, to manage nine at your first read, well, it's just super.
Well, I was stood at a slight angle.
It's a tip from Axel Jacklin.
Yes, poor, poor Axel.
(BLUBBERING) (SOBBING) Ed, I need to become a Mason, immediately.
Can you pull some strings? - Who are you trying to impress? - Parker Pipe.
- The producer? - The very same.
Oh, he's very high up.
Partakes in some of the more exotic masonic rituals.
I couldn't give rat shit.
Could you get me in? I think I know someone who may be able to help you.
- Really? Who? - The thing is, he's an East Ender.
(INHALES) You'll have to travel into the East End to meet him.
Who is the cockney cheapjack? Fellow by the name of Basil Jet.
I've got his number and address.
- He may be able to fast track you.
- Fabulous.
- It'll cost you.
- How much? - £27.
- Well, that's not too bad.
And for goodness sake, Toast, keep my name out of it.
All right, Ed.
The East End, you say.
I wonder what it's like these days? TOAST: Many thanks, cabbie.
Keep the change.
CABBIE: Thanking you, sir.
(UNDER BREATH) Ya tight fuck, ya.
Bugger off.
Psst! Follow me, love.
I can suck the Thames dry.
- Is that you, Mrs Purchase? - Toast, what are you doing here? - You, in the East End? - I'm looking for a chap called Basil Jet.
That's his shop two doors down.
I must say, you're full of surprises, Mrs Purchase.
- Shh, stop saying my name.
- Oh, yes, of course.
(RINGER BUZZING) BASIL: Who is it? What do you want? My name's Toast.
I want to be a Mason, today.
- You can't become a Mason just like that.
- Ed Howzer-Black said I could join.
- Oh, right, yeah.
You got the money? - Yes.
Yeah, well, I'm a little bit busy today to do the paperwork.
So you'll have to use the app.
An app? What, there's an app you can use to join the Masons? Wow.
What's an app? You ask Ed, he'll tell ya.
You download the app and I'll text ya the password.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
When do I get initiated? I'll let you know all about that.
We'll have a ceremony.
Bit of a booze up, finger food.
And you, sir, you get a goodie bag.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
(DOOR SLAMS) - (RINGER BUZZING) - I say, what's a goodie bag? Where is she? (CHANTING VOICE) Ray - Oh, God.
Not you again? - Yes, it's me, Toast.
Ray fucking Purchase, again.
What the hell were you talking about at that audition? You're not a Mason.
- Yes I am.
- (MUMBLING GROWL) Jane should be here by now.
I'll try and track her down.
- Yeah.
Who else is here? - Fotheringham's here.
Last time I saw him, he was being carted off to the BBC jail.
Yeah, they let him out today.
A lot of his types have been released from the BBC jail in return for a reduction in the licence fee.
Fotheringham? (LOW-PITCHED GROWLING) - Didn't realise it was fancy dress.
- It isn't.
- Ah.
- (GROWLS) - (MOBILE RINGS) - Toast.
Don't tell anyone, but we're having a surprise party for Jane at The Colonial Club.
- No, you are Jane.
- What? - We're here at The Colonial Club waiting.
- Right? Yeah, well, get here as fast as you can! (EXASPERATED SIGH) - Everything all right, Toast? - Oh, fuck off! (WHOOSHING) And I said to her, "What the hell is wrong? Have I forgotten our wedding anniversary?" And she said, "No, we're not actually married.
" (FORCED LAUGHING) What are you doing here, Blair? How do you know each other? Oh, we know each other (CHANTING VOICE) Mason - Oh - What? ALL: Surprise! (DISTORTED VOICES) (HORSES WHINNYING) - (BATS SQUEAKING) - (DOGS GROWLING) (CROWD SIGHS) I'll just go and help her.
Get everyone's attention, Toast.
- She'll say a few words.
- Yeah.
- What's going on here? - Just say a few words to welcome everybody.
Forty years in the business and it doesn't seem a day too long.
When Ray Purchase told me there was gonna be a surprise party for me, I was, of course, very, very thrilled.
(FOTHERINGHAM GROWLS) So everybody just have a wonderful, wonderful time.
- Here, here! Cheers! - To Jane! (CHOKING) (SIGHS) Oh, how lovely.
From Torvill and Dean.
Sorry if I've been a bit out of it recently, Toast.
Thank you for visiting me.
I do hope you can stay for a while, I'm a bit lonely here.
- (MOBILE RINGS) - Toast? Ah, very well.
It's Parker Pipe.
I've gotta go.
Oh, don't leave me.
You've just arrived! I get so lonely here at the Mayfair House of Addiction.
(MOANING) - Parker? - Toast! So, you've officially got the job.
- Welcome aboard, Captain.
- This Freemason's lark is the bee's knees.
I thought we'd celebrate with an impromptu orgy.
I'll have a slice of this! (MOBILE RINGS) Oh, you fuck.
Basil Jet? Is it now? Argh, all right! I've gotta go, Pipe.
Oh, well, what a shame.
Never mind.
I'll see you on set.
(CHUCKLES) You betcha.
Masons? It is my duty to now begin tonight's initiation ceremony.
- Is everything prepared for Junior Deacon? - Aye, Grand Master.
Will the head of ceremony please place the under brother onto the line? (CHANTING VOICE) Mason Remove his hood and step aside, sword bearers.
- (GASPS) - (CHUCKLES) (WHISPERING) You've got to be fucking kidding! - Toast! What the hell are you doing here? - Are you under brother Steven Toast? - I am.
- Is this your doing, Ed? Well, he seemed very keen.
And he did pay his £27.
- I'm sure he did, but come on, old chap.
- GRAND MASTER: Silence.
What the Right, you have one minute starting from now.
There's a magnet.
Um, an onion? Framed photograph of Dan and Peter Snow? Very well.
The secret initiation ceremony shall now commence.
(NARRATOR READING) (ANIMAL SQUEALING) (SLICING) I would slit my own throat, for in the eyes of God, I am nothing but a fool and a beggar.
(GROWLING) I would slit my own throat, for in the eyes of God, I am nothing but a fool and a beggar.
(IMITATES GROWLING) The time has now come.
Remove the brother's blindfold, that he may see the light.
(GIGGLING) I'm in! Yes.
I am in! (FUNKY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Keep it on the square it's a clandestine affair Be silent or beware, beware! Keep it on the square it's a clandestine affair Be silent or beware, beware! (SYNTH SOLO PLAYING) ALL: Beware! Thunder and lightning! Cannon fire! (CANNONS FIRING) Wind machine! Snow machine! And Action! What a battle it was.
What a storm we endured.
And victory came at a great price.
(SHOUTING) Hold everything! - What the fuck do you want, Ray Purchase? - What are you doing here, Ray? Cut! - Kill the wind, Chloe! - You may be interested to know, brother, that your big star up there only became a Mason to get this gig.
- He joined up last night.
- What? Is this true, Toast? - What does it matter? - Of course it matters! You have ridden roughshod over ancient masonic codes of practise! (MUTTERING) Roughshod.
We'll recast immediately with Ray as the captain.
- Terrific! - Come on down, Toast! - I've just got up here! - Are you coming down or not? No! I still have my Chief Surgeon's amputation saw, Parker, if you want.
(MENACING CHUCKLING) Get to work, brother.
(SAWING) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! It's a long way up.
Don't be stupid, Purchase! (MENACING LAUGHING) Purchase! Purchase! (CRASHING) - Many thanks, cabbie.
Keep the change.
- Thanking you, sir.
Ya tight fuck, ya.
(DOGS BARKING) - Mrs Purchase? - Ooh, Toast.
Here again? Yes, indeed.
I was just in the area.
Getting a refund for the £27.
50 I paid to the Freemasons.
I'm a little early.
You're not - (DRAWING OUT STUTTER) - Come.
(BOTH GRUNTING) (WHISTLE BLOWING) - Kerb crawler ahead! - Shit, you're for it now, Toast! Don't you worry, Mrs P.
Nothing to see here, Officer.
- Sorry, brother, my mistake.
- Yes.
So take my hand We'll disappear to above the sun To far from here No, I don't know you and you don't know me I just had to talk to you, you see So say you'll come, please come, girl You could be the one for all I know